₦airaland Forum

Some of Us Were Not Raised, We Were Silenced…

Growing up in a Nigerian home, I was taught that children should be seen, not heard. My parents called it discipline. They called it respect. They called it preparing me for the real world. But nobody told me that one day, I would grow up struggling to express myself, afraid of making mistakes, and constantly questioning whether my opinions mattered.

As a child, I thought that was what parenting was supposed to look like. If you talked back, you were rude. If you tried to explain yourself, you were stubborn. If you cried, you were weak. And if you dared to question an adult's decision, you were asking for trouble.

So, I learned to keep quiet.

I learned to swallow my feelings because expressing them only made things worse. I learned to say "yes" even when I disagreed. I learned to apologise even when I wasn't wrong, simply because I wanted the shouting to stop. Sometimes, I didn't even understand what I had done wrong, but I knew that defending myself would only earn me more punishment.

The painful part is that my parents probably believed they were doing the right thing. They wanted a respectful child, someone who wouldn't challenge authority or bring shame to the family. They wanted to prepare me for a world that wouldn't always be kind to me.

But somewhere along the way, discipline became fear, and respect became silence.

Nobody tells you how difficult it is to unlearn the fear you grew up with.

As I grew older, I began to notice things about myself that I couldn't explain. I struggled to speak confidently around people. I overthought simple conversations. I was afraid of asking questions because I didn't want to sound foolish. Even when I knew the answer to something, I sometimes preferred to remain silent rather than risk being embarrassed.

When someone spoke harshly to me, I found it difficult to defend myself. I would replay the conversation in my head hours later, thinking about all the things I should have said. Sometimes, I would blame myself for not speaking up, forgetting that I had spent years being taught that speaking up was a form of disrespect.

And the saddest part? People sometimes mistook my silence for good character.

I remember how Nigerian schools sometimes reward the quietest children with titles like "Most Behaved Student." A child who barely speaks in class is praised for being well-behaved, even when nobody knows why the child is so quiet.

Perhaps that child is naturally reserved. But perhaps he is battling low self-esteem. Perhaps he is terrified of giving the wrong answer because his classmates might laugh at him. Perhaps he has been insulted so many times at home that he no longer believes his voice deserves to be heard.

Maybe he has learned that the safest thing to do is to disappear into the background.

Yet, instead of asking questions, we give him an award.

A teacher might notice that a student never contributes during lessons and conclude that he is exceptionally disciplined. Nobody wonders why he shakes when asked to speak in front of the class. Nobody asks why he would rather fail silently than risk giving a wrong answer.

Another child might be constantly apologising, even when there is nothing to apologise for. Rather than wondering where that fear comes from, adults praise him for being humble and respectful.

We celebrate children for behaviours that may actually be signs of distress, without taking the time to understand them.

Of course, not every quiet child is traumatised, and being reserved does not automatically mean someone has low self-esteem. But we need to understand that silence is not always a sign of good upbringing. Sometimes, it is a survival mechanism.

And Nigerian schools are not always helping matters. Some teachers insult children publicly, compare them to their classmates, mock their mistakes, or use physical punishment to enforce obedience. A child who already struggles with confidence can leave the classroom feeling even smaller than when he entered it.

Imagine being afraid of speaking at home, only to discover that school is another place where your voice can get you humiliated.

Where exactly is such a child supposed to feel safe?

I understand that children can be stubborn. They can be disrespectful, disobedient, and difficult to handle sometimes. Parenting is not easy, and children need boundaries. They need correction, guidance, and consequences when they do something wrong.

But there is a difference between correcting a child and crushing his spirit.

You can teach a child respect without making him afraid of you. You can correct bad behaviour without insulting his intelligence. You can disagree with a child without making him feel worthless. You can establish authority without making your home a place where everyone walks on eggshells.

A child should not have to experience emotional pain to learn a lesson.

Unfortunately, many of us grew up believing that our parents were always right simply because they were older. We were rarely allowed to explain our side of a story. Even when we were innocent, we had to accept punishment because questioning it would be considered disrespectful.

Now, some of us are adults who struggle to set boundaries. We find it difficult to say no. We fear disappointing people. We tolerate bad treatment because confrontation makes us uncomfortable. We constantly seek approval because we were made to feel that love and acceptance depended on our behaviour.

Some of us cannot even express anger in a healthy way. We bottle everything up until we eventually break down, withdraw from people, or take our frustration out on ourselves.

And when we try to explain these struggles, someone will say, "But your parents raised you well. Look at how respectful you are."

Yes, I am respectful. But must respect come at the expense of my confidence?

Must I be afraid of making mistakes because I was never allowed to make them as a child? Must I struggle to express my feelings because the people who were supposed to listen to me always demanded silence?

I do not want to hate my parents. I understand that many of them were raised the same way. They may have experienced harsher treatment and genuinely believe that strictness is the best way to raise responsible children. Some sacrificed a great deal to give their children better lives.

But understanding their intentions does not mean we should ignore the consequences.

We can appreciate our parents' sacrifices without pretending that everything they did was right.

Perhaps the greatest mistake we can make is repeating the same pattern with our own children simply because we survived it. Survival does not mean the experience was harmless. And just because something was normal in our childhood does not mean it should remain normal for the next generation.

Children need discipline, but they also need emotional safety. They need to know that they can make mistakes without losing their parents' love. They need to understand that disagreeing respectfully is not rebellion and that asking questions is not an insult.

Most importantly, they need to know that their voices matter.

Sometimes, I think about the child I used to be. The child who wanted to explain himself but was never given the chance. The child who wanted to ask questions but was afraid of being called stubborn. The child who learned to hide his feelings because being honest about them only brought more trouble.

I wish someone had told him that he wasn't a bad child simply because he had an opinion. I wish someone had taught him that making mistakes didn't make him useless. I wish someone had listened instead of always demanding obedience.

Maybe he would have grown up with more confidence. Maybe he wouldn't spend so much time questioning his worth. Maybe he would have learned earlier that he deserved to be heard.

I cannot go back and give that child a different childhood. But I can speak about what happened, because there are many others who grew up the same way and still struggle to explain what they feel.

We were told that our parents were strict because they loved us. Perhaps they did love us. But love should not make a child feel permanently afraid of being himself.

The goal of parenting should not be to raise children who are too afraid to misbehave. It should be to raise people who understand right from wrong, can think for themselves, express their feelings, and make good decisions even when nobody is watching.

Because one day, those children will leave home. And the world will expect them to speak confidently, defend their boundaries, make decisions, build relationships, and stand up for themselves.

How do we expect them to do all that when we spent their childhood teaching them to remain silent?

Maybe it is time we stopped asking only whether our children respect us and started asking whether they feel safe enough to be themselves around us.

Because sometimes, the child we proudly call "well-behaved" is not necessarily the child who has learned the most about respect.

Sometimes, he is simply the child who has learned that silence hurts less than speaking. Read more

I feel u

The thing is that I have changed/evolved, I am not the same person I was as a kid anymore...

TFY. Who cares! If you like hurt pass hot

All those talk about children being quiet or afraid to speak at school is hogwash. Perhaps you're referring to kids that attend public schools.

Private school kids no send anybody papa o. Dem dey speak their mind without fear or fervour. Na teachers dey dear dem self.

Also, the methods of raising kids that you described in your post is only observed in poor homes or uneducated families. The rich folks (or even average folks) don't raise their kids that way. In these homes, children are indulged.

In conclusion, people no longer have 6 or 7 children to the point of raising them carelessly. It's children's world now o, dem dey enjoy seriously.

Benwallt:
TFY. Who cares! If you like hurt pass hot

See devhu
I pray the day the op explodes it is you who get st. abbed or sprayed in school or in the street

Sorry, your parents are just ev. people

Jaguda like us we know wetin God do for us.
Yes it's good to train and discipline kids,but as for my kids,I ve also taught them to speak up with anything they're not comfortable with.


My kids are expressive and outspoken not rude,you cannot intimidate them,I know I won't always be around them,but I ve thought them that,it's okay to fight and defend yourself if ever the need arises.


The outside world isn't friendly....and everybody must mount their guard.
If you like raise jellies as kids,na your business be that.

FayaBall:
See devhu
I pray the day the op explodes it is you who get st. abbed or sprayed in school or in the street

Hiss! God don answer your prayer?

Benwallt:
Hiss! God don answer your prayer?

You will see

FayaBall:
You will see

SOAW. You that God has abandoned dey curse person. Nonsense

The goal of parenting should not be to raise children who are too afraid to misbehave.


This is not correct

Are you parent? So you want to raise children who will misbehave with their full chest?

Bros do you understand what you are saying. Of what use is knowing wrong and still plunging into it?

Wow ! A very good post OP

The tragedy of the Nigerian State today, began from the home front in some ways.
The family unit though with it's flaws (from your story) offers the best prospect for nation building.
Your experience, nevertheless still instilled some values that enabled you to play a positive role in the society.
Contrast that with what the family has become today, decimated and almost endangered, by the present socio-economic situation today.
If I had to choose, I'd rather have a similar experience as you did to become what I am today than take a chance in life without family roots.
Your future remains bright, Sir!

You are right about what you typed but sometimes it doesn’t always end like that, some kids won’t shut up no matter how you push them.
I know how my elder ones treated me, I melted for them because I needed their support to finish school. Right now, they avoid me with any humiliating words, because they know I won’t take it with a pinch of salt.

Benwallt:
SOAW. You that God has abandoned dey curse person. Nonsense

You will see devhu