₦airaland Forum

GloriousGbola:
I no wan talk am

It is important to say it.
Because I do not understand why anyone would emphatically say the burden of old-age caregiving should be on the daughters. Are men incapable of taking care of their own parents? What of people with only boys? They shift the job to their wives or leave the parents to die alone?

TemporaryHansel:
Cap. Men say it.

All I'm seeing from the responses is a clash of egos.

The sister just sowed the seeds of distrust and destruction in an otherwise flourishing marriage.
Sensible women should pray against sister inlaws like this.

Also, the man might have been feeling inferior and his ego wants him to prove something that isn't necessary.
This is one of the reasons why some ladies find it difficult to marry or date people below their level, socially and financially.

Your immediate family remains the most important.

At what point did he make his immediate family less important in this story?

Even after he left, he still does everything for her and the son. What does that tell you?

Emaprince:
There was no way the sister will stay for just 3months. From some time it will enter 12months...and the wife will become extremely uncomfortable with it. In the end, it will end in shouting matches and the sister will leave unceremoniously

Most people saying they would accommodate relatives have only seen the good side , not the bad side others have experienced . Some people take those stand because of the bitter experience of people close to them .

I’ve seen a wife who accommodated the husband’s sister who was sick and also had marital issues in her own family .

The wife literally nursed the sister-in-law back to good health for a period of one and half years . When the sister-in-law was fully recovered she kept having issues with the same wife . She would always find fault in the wife’s actions and inactions . She was even instigated her other siblings against the wife several times . The husband was always torn between siding with his sister or his wife anytime such issues happen .

The wife regretted convincing her husband to bring his sister to his house for treatment and helping her recover .

Do you think any female relative of that wife would ever tow that lane in their own matrimonial home having seen the experience of the wife ?

BlueRayDick:
Most people saying they would accommodate relatives have only seen the good side , not the bad side others have experienced . Some people take those stand because of the bitter experience of people close to them .

I’ve seen a wife who accommodated the husband’s sister who was sick and also had marital issues in her own family .

The wife literally nursed the sister-in-law back to good health for a period of one and half years . When the sister-in-law was fully recovered she kept having issues with the same wife . She would always find fault in the wife’s actions and inactions . She was even instigated her other siblings against the wife several times . The husband was always torn between siding with his sister or his wife anytime such issues happen .

The wife regretted convincing her husband to bring his sister to his house for treatment and helping her recover .

Do you think any female relative of that wife would ever tow that lane in their own matrimonial home having seen the experience of the wife ?

All the examples I have read here is always

Wives vs Sister in laws

We hardly hear examples of Husbands and SILs or even Wives and BILs.

It's always wives accommodating their husband sisters and it turned into something else.

Maybe it's just women having a lesser threshold of tolerance.

This is a family of three persons living in a 4 bedroom apartment...most likely they occupy no more than 2 rooms actively and would have one room designated as a guest room.

Isn't it odd that this guest room can be occupied by everybody but the man's immediate sibling who's in a fix and needs a place to put up?

It's crazy having a partner that doesn't mind putting their spouse in an awkward position. Imagine explaining to the sister that she can't come around when she's well aware that there's space in the apartment for her to stay put.

I don't really see what else the man could have done in this situation without looking like a pussy.

Theflint1:
This is a family of three persons living in a 4 bedroom apartment...most likely they occupy no more than 2 rooms actively and would have one room designated as a guest room.

Isn't it odd that this guest room can be occupied by everybody but the man's immediate sibling who's in a fix and needs a place to put up?

It's crazy having a partner that doesn't mind putting their spouse in an awkward position. Imagine explaining to the sister that she can't come around when she's well aware that there's space in the apartment for her to stay put.

I don't really see what else the man could have done in this situation without looking like a pussy.

It goes beyond staying in a room in the house. There are places in the house that you will have to share
Kitchen, cooker, washing machine, TV, fridge, freezer, pots, pans.

That is where the friction will start from, esp if one person is not that orderly or clean.

Theflint1:
This is a family of three persons living in a 4 bedroom apartment...most likely they occupy no more than 2 rooms actively and would have one room designated as a guest room.

Isn't it odd that this guest room can be occupied by everybody but the man's immediate sibling who's in a fix and needs a place to put up?

It's crazy having a partner that doesn't mind putting their spouse in an awkward position. Imagine explaining to the sister that she can't come around when she's well aware that there's space in the apartment for her to stay put.

I don't really see what else the man could have done in this situation without looking like a pussy.

I tire.

The moment she said the man refused and reluctantly agreed to move into her house, I knew wahala dey.

No man will see a 9 million per year rent break and refuse to take it, except he knows it won't end well.

If it was her sister going through a tough patch, I am sure the room will accommodate and enter her

GloriousGbola:
It goes beyond staying in a room in the house. There are places in the house that you will have to share
Kitchen, cooker, washing machine, TV, fridge, freezer, pots, pans.

That is where the friction will start from, esp if one person is not that orderly or clean.

You know these things !

Two people married sef dey get friction ,talk more of a 3rd party joining them in the same house . The man and woman of the house are still managing their differences based on the different backgrounds they grew up in, then a 3rd party comes to join them .

God help them the 3rd party has a totally different orientation from them and don’t see things the way they see it .

Something as simple as eating on the dining table or eating on the couch can cause serious friction

GloriousGbola:
It goes beyond staying in a room in the house. There are places in the house that you will have to share
Kitchen, cooker, washing machine, TV, fridge, freezer, pots, pans.

That is where the friction will start from, esp if one person is not that orderly or clean.

I understand, but this would apply to any other guest, well unless they're a zero third party type of family.

izzou:
I tire.

The moment she said the man refused and reluctantly agreed to move into her house, I knew wahala dey.

No man will see a 9 million per year rent break and refuse to take it, except he knows it won't end well.

If it was her sister going through a tough patch, I am sure the room will accommodate and enter her

Normal level

Na why e no dey quick hard dem talk say na woman get house

pocohantas:
Why should the burden be on the daughters? When you are sharing inheritance, do you put that burden on the daughter too? The burden should be on everyone.

Interesting question.

I just hope some of us don't get labelled tribalistic by Ronald later on when we share our opinions on this matter.

Theflint1:
Normal level

Na why e no dey quick hard dem talk say na woman get house

Izzou na bad guy. As I see the statement, I say see this man.

izzou:
All the examples I have read here is always

Wives vs Sister in laws

We hardly hear examples of Husbands and SILs or even Wives and BILs.

It's always wives accommodating their husband sisters and it turned into something else.

Maybe it's just women having a lesser threshold of tolerance.

Well, it’s because the woman is generally in charge of organizing and doing administrative management of the home . As much as the man is the head and CEO of the family , the wife is the manager who keeps the home running (in a Traditional African home o)

It’s not the husband that will be making sure the relatives are well fed , the house is clean and conducive to stay in , etc The husband will mostly drop funds and the wife will have to keep the home running .

There’s less chance of the husband having friction with a relative staying whether it’s his own sibling or the wife’s sibling . If the relative doesn’t steal or have any major vice , the husband may not have reasons to have any friction at all with such relative staying in the house .

izzou:
The man already knows his wife; The type that likes to own theirs and enjoy yours.

A woman who wants to right the wrong would have packed her property into his home, and rent hers

Rather, she still dey "Her house", and is expecting him to go back there.

Akuko Mike...

The embolden solves the problem for any woman who really wants her marriage to work. Living in her family house isn't comfortable for the man and his original instincts about it were right. If there isn't more to it, she should pack her children back to wherever her husband is and continue with the marriage. The husband needs to also be clear about this expectation. He is enabling and accommodating a bad behavior by allowing her remain in her family home. She needs to pick a side.

BlueRayDick:
You know these things !

Two people married sef dey get friction ,talk more of a 3rd party joining them in the same house . The man and woman of the house are still managing their differences based on the different backgrounds they grew up in, then a 3rd party comes to join them .

God help them the 3rd party has a totally different orientation from them and don’t see things the way they see it .

Something as simple as eating on the dining table or eating on the couch can cause serious friction

Some can even throw stuff on the ground instead of the waste bin, and when you complain they label you too stiff/unaccommodating.

Little things you expect every sane person to behave by.

BlueRayDick:
The woman is emotionally attached to the house. I feel wants the husband to see them staying in the house she inherited as her own little way of contributing financially to the marriage.

The wise thing for her to do is to put up the house for rent [/b]and move in with her husband in the newly rented space he got. [b]It appears the man still loves her and he's only waiting for her to take that step to save the marriage.

The first embolden is my thought as well. She needs to put the house up for rent and use the proceeds to support the family financially, if financial support and not control is her angle.

On the 2nd embolden, there are times in a union/ relationship where choices made by one partner is sabotaging the relationship/ marriage but they can't see it or they see it but can't get out of it. If he continues to wait for her, she may cause irreparable damage to the relationship. 6 months in and she is still saying she has apologized but he has refused to return, instead extended the rent, that doesn't sound like a woman who knows her actions are sabotaging the marriage.

TemporaryHansel:
Some can even throw stuff on the ground instead of the waste bin, and when you complain they label you too stiff/unaccommodating.

Little things you expect every sane person to behave by.

Exactly .

You will see a family where the husband doesn’t mind eating white rice with stew that has just crayfish and pieces of dried fish in it . (Without meat , fish or boiled egg on top of the rice )

The sister-in-law will be served same food and she will complain her brother’s wife served her “food without meat or fish “ .

izzou:
I am being sincere.

Because we are married doesn't mean I cannot sacrifice for my family.

So if my Sister (God forbid) loses all and falls to ground zero, I should not help her because I have rules?

Very funny.

This is why everybody, beyond the Love for our partners, you need to know their partners well well oh! Here is what I mean...

Knowing and understanding your partner's position and role in the family is one half of the battle. Don't marry a 1st son who is very active and important to his family including extended family and then think you can cage him or stop him from playing his role after marriage, a role he has been actively playing before meeting you.

Or marry an active Adanne and get mad she is involved in the lives of her siblings or coordinating the affairs of her original family because it comes with the territory. That isn't the time to remind her "you are now married and should focus on your home". Alaye, you met her as an active and involved Adanne, it is not going to change just like that.

My rule is, as long as he or she continues to be a responsible partner, prioritizes and manages the affairs of his/her family well, then there should be no issue.

Now, if your spouse is indifferent and doesn't shoulder any of those responsibilities then thank your stars. Its like getting married to someone and suddenly telling him or her to stop supporting their parents even when it doesn't affect the family. Na why some people no dey marry 1st sons or daughters or a child that is very active in his family and I respect that choice because it is not easy.

izzou:
All the examples I have read here is always

Wives vs Sister in laws

We hardly hear examples of Husbands and SILs or even Wives and BILs.
It's always wives accommodating their husband sisters and it turned into something else. Maybe it's just women having a lesser threshold of tolerance.

Yes, also the burden of tending to visitors is on the wife. Not the husband. It is not the husband managing the home, working out food timetables and orderliness. It is only normal the person with this mental labour has more friction with people. Except you are lucky with very proactive visitors (read as inlaws), which is rare.

Roland17:
This is why everybody, beyond the Love for our partners, you need to know their partners well well oh! Here is what I mean...

Knowing and understanding your partner's position and role in the family is one half of the battle. Don't marry a 1st son who is very active and important to his family including extended family and then think you can cage him or stop him from playing his role after marriage, a role he has been actively playing before meeting you.

Or marry an active Adanne and get mad she is involved in the lives of her siblings or coordinating the affairs of her original family because it comes with the territory. That isn't the time to remind her "you are now married and should focus on your home". Alaye, you met her as an active and involved Adanne, it is not going to change just like that.

My rule is, as long as he or she continues to be a responsible partner, prioritizes and manages the affairs of his/her family well, then there should be no issue.

Now, if your spouse is indifferent and doesn't shoulder any of those responsibilities then thank your stars. Its like getting married to someone and suddenly telling him or her to stop supporting their parents even when it doesn't affect the family. Na why some people no dey marry 1st sons or daughters or a child that is very active in his family and I respect that choice because it is not easy.

Rules and regulations akaria nu biko 🤣🤣

All these ones na wetin person go consider finish? So if the person doing all these things now dies and the "burden" now falls on your spouse, what then happens?

CrystalTiger:
Rules and regulations akaria nu biko 🤣🤣

All these ones na wetin person go consider finish? So if the person doing all these things now dies and the "burden" now falls on your spouse, what then happens?

Hahaha.. Yes oh! You never meet pesin wen go tell you say they can't marry a 1st son or daughter? It get why oh! You neva hear woman wen go tell you say she can't marry a man wen him mama dey alive?

If the pesin die, e die with the pesin. That is why I said, know who you dey marry.

TemporaryHansel:


Interesting question.

I just hope some of us don't get labelled tribalistic by Ronald later on when we share our opinions on this matter.

Lol. Depending on how you highlight the problem😂. Make them sha dey share property reach daughters.

raumdeuter:
Is it not shameful that your hero prefers the advise of a madman than listen to you

The way this country is going, it takes madness to reset it.

So if you call me mad, I'll understand.

If you're not mad with this country and it's trajectory, then you're a devil

Roland17:
Hahaha.. Yes oh! You never meet pesin wen go tell you say they can't marry a 1st son or daughter? It get why oh! You neva hear woman wen go tell you say she can't marry a man wen him mama dey alive?

If the pesin die, e die with the pesin. That is why I said, know who you dey marry.

Just marry person wey dey kind and considerate

Instead of all these I dont want first son, first daughter, person wey get mama etc. Abi shey make his/her own future daughter inlaw dey pray say make she die before when his/her son marry

Abi she sef wey marry and dey born, no be person go marry his first son/daughter

The person that thinks they have covered all their bases, no marry 1st son, 1st daughter, MIL dead, what if life situations happen to them?

It doesnt even have to be bad, Life progress, A chairman and madam in Kogi when their kid dey find job for Lagos or New York or London, he cant transfer his father mansion from Kogi to Lagos/London/New York, Na person sef go first help am settle down

Spy360:
The way this country is going, it takes madness to reset it.

So if you call me mad, I'll understand.

If you're not mad with this country and it's trajectory, then you're a devil

The ranking now shows that Obi values a madman over you

pocohantas:
Yes, also the burden of tending to visitors is on the wife. Not the husband. It is not the husband managing the home, working out food timetables and orderliness. It is only normal the person with this mental labour has more friction with people. Except you are lucky with very proactive visitors (read as inlaws), which is rare.

But the wives will never have such issues if it involves their own siblings.

I am sure she would have accomodated her own sister, if she was going through a divorce and needed a place to stay for a certain period.

Make women dey take am easy abeg

CrystalTiger:
Rules and regulations akaria nu biko 🤣🤣

All these ones na wetin person go consider finish? So if the person doing all these things now dies and the "burden" now falls on your spouse, what then happens?

Exactly, Well said. Life happens to the best laid out plans

Unrelated, I was watching Sydney 2000 olympics in one persons house and she was like her daughter 16yrs at that time who just got admission should be done with Uni by 20yrs marry latest by 22/24 finish having kids by 28yrs

The daughter last I heard of her was unmarried 5yrs ago at 37yrs, though has 1 baby

TemporaryHansel:


Interesting question.

I just hope some of us don't get labelled tribalistic by Ronald later on when we share our opinions on this matter.

Rest! I have never called you or anyone tribalistic, even though there is nothing wrong with health tribalism.

I am more worried about ethnocentrism than tribalism.

raumdeuter:
Just marry person wey dey kind and considerate

Instead of all these I dont want first son, first daughter, person wey get mama etc. Abi shey make his/her own future daughter inlaw dey pray say make she die before when his/her son marry

Abi she sef wey marry and dey born, no be person go marry his first son/daughter

The person that thinks they have covered all their bases, no marry 1st son, 1st daughter, MIL dead, what if life situations happen to them?

It doesnt even have to be bad, Life progress, A chairman and madam in Kogi when their kid dey find job for Lagos or New York or London, he cant transfer his father mansion from Kogi to Lagos/London/New York, Na person sef go first help am settle down

I agree with you but are you telling me you have never met people with the mindset I am talking about?

izzou:
But the wives will never have such issues if it involves their own siblings.

I am sure she would have accomodated her own sister, if she was going through a divorce and needed a place to stay for a certain period.

Make women dey take am easy abeg

When I go to visit my brother, I call his wife first. I was there recently and I cooked. Cooked stew, chicken sauce and soup. I even introduced her to new recipes for her toddler. I am older than her, but I respect her as my brother's wife. Not everyone would have this sense of humility as an inlaw because most assume it is their brother/son's house. I have seen many comments on social media insisting they do not owe the wife any notice of their coming. Which is weird, given she would be the one they expect to cook and serve them.

Why is it easier when it is her family

Because they will serve her. My mum gave me breakfast in bed when she visited. My dad ironed my clothes. My sister was running errands. My cousin went to buy fuel and mopped for me. I was literally sleeping and waking up without being seen as lazy or squandering their brother's money.

Tell me which inlaw I would send this kind message without being summoned to family meeting? Men would never understand the full perspective to this as the mental labour of running the home is hardly on them, neither are they the default parent or host.

Allowing someone to stay with you boils down to the specific individual

I have allowed my wife's friend to stay with us for 5 months when she was made redundant, and also allowed her cousin to stay with us two days a week when he was working in Manchester. I have also moved out of my student accomodation for two weeks to allow a cousin freedom to revise when he was doing his medical exams. He failed that time but reworked his way to UK via Trinidad where he met Afrodoc.

I have also asked my father to kick out an uncle who was staying with us when I was a teenager cos he was crowding our space. There was also an aunty who called from airport that she is on the way to our house. She was allowed to stay but was told not to expect hospitality at short notice, that UK problem and Naija problem doesn't mix.

Generally, it boils down to whether the persons stay is finite. I won't allow somebody with little prospect of getting back on their feet anytime soon to stay indeterminably at my house.

pocohantas:
Why should the burden be on the daughters? When you are sharing inheritance, do you put that burden on the daughter too? The burden should be on everyone.

Wait. Na inheritance dey vex you? Well, as a member of the Umuada, you are now in a better position to push a bill that will change the age long tradition.

And the aging mom burden. Yes the men can accept it. But we all know that the wives of these men will, in one way or another join in the caregiving..and a lot wives wouldn't want to entertain such burden. They(the wives) will even ask what happened to transferring it to the sisters instead of her home.

I wish I can find a link to where I have seen this scenerio and both the wife and online females were all angry that the husband accepted it..instead of pushing it to his sisters

Women are much more comfortable with having their own blood around than inlaws.

A lot of men won't have any issue having the mother inlaw stay and be taking care of. Reverse the role and only a handful of women will accept it.