Dedicated to the next bond film SPECTRE PLEASE DON'T SUCK

narrator
daniel craig bursts into a hotel? Safe house? Office? Residential apartment? don't ask cause it is that kind of movie
He finds some dead friends? Or foes? Littered around the room and a bald dude who has been shot? Stabbed? Hapooned? well I guess no one answers questions anymore anyway he is bleeding on the couch

judi dench
Daniel come in daniel hi guys we are totally receiving commentary in london from istanbul turkey
daniel craig
We are in comm? Are you in turkey?
judi dench
No we are in london
daniel craig
haha very funny.............really? We are actually communicating so clearly? when we are thousands of miles apart
judi dench
Perhaps we have a secret bunker relaying our signals or something
daniel craig
And turkish security agents are fine with this or are we just going to act like they don't exist? How did I even get here? I'm I just coming from london?
judi dench
Have you seen it?
daniel craig
Seen what?
judi dench
*rolling eyes* just search the room and tell me what you see
daniel craig
Well there is a computer here with no hard drive in it don't get it why didn't they just steal the whole laptop instead?
judi dench
Sh*t its gone
daniel craig
There's a man mortally wounded man here rather than sweep the place and clear away all MI6 effects, I shall fruitlessly try to stabilize him
judi dench
What? F*ck that man, go hop into an SUV waiting outside for you with a hot nameless chick in it
daniel craig
did you say hot chick? sorry bleeding dude at least I tried
narrator
daniel craig hops into an SUV with a ridiculously hot non-spy material naomi harris whose character name is with held for reasons
naomi harris
Are you okay
daniel craig
Suit..........too tight...........can't breath.........cut off circulation...........turning purple
naomi harris
why are you wearing a suit when its a hundred degrees outside aren't we supposed to be spies? You are supposed to be like f*cking "waldo" not an elephant in the room *rolling eyes*
sam mendes
well I intend to objectify the f*ck out of daniel craig for our gay fans in the audience you think this is bad, I got like 6 random scenes of daniel craig n*de for no reason
naomie harris
O_o Anyway ,the man who attacked the bleeding dude from earlier is in a getaway car ten steps away from us
daniel craig
what?! And you didn't go after him or shoot him?
naomi harris
Wanted to engage him in a car chase but now that you think of it, that's pretty st*pid
narrator
they engage in a tasteless car chase
judi dench
Hey guys we are sending turkish paramedics to the scene to discover our MI6 agent and f*ck up our operation
daniel craig
don't bother he's probably dead by now
which raises the question of why I didn't just finish off quickly rather than leaving him to die a painful slow death?
naomi harris
Is he that bad?
daniel craig
yea he was totally f*cked I'm upset that my colleague is dead(2seconds later) ok I'm fine time to make one of the most offensive and misogynist jokes ever INSULT A WOMANS DRIVING because apparently the misogynist bond is back f*ck my character development in the previous movies.
naomi harris
Hey daniel our cars are side by side you have a clear shot at his head take it
daniel craig
don't tell me what to do
narrator
instead daniel in his infinite wisdom, grabs the wheel from naomi(another misogynist gesture by the way) and swings his SUV against the assailants vechicle and watches as the car crashes and stops, just enough time for the ola rapaace to get out a bizarre looking gun to engage daniel in a tasteless gun battle
naomi harris
Daniel draw his fire so I can have room to take him out
daniel craig
I got a better idea, I hop out of the SUV and shoot 7 bullets at all the fruits in the market place so that we can give way for a tasteless roof top chase scene
naomi harris
Your service pistol has just seven bullets per cartridge?
daniel craig
Well I guess bullets are according to the assemblers discretion cause the next cartridge has 8 bullets and during some court house shootout we shall have later in the movie I shall fire 19 bullets straight without changing cartridges
naomi harris
That's the laziest continuity error I've ever heard of
narrator
they insult our intelligence by showing us a roof top chase with Goddamn motorcycles like a f*cking george clooney batman movie
Meanwhile naomi wrecks the whole of istanbul but no one gives a sh*t not the police not the passers by and certainly not the car owners whose cars she wrecked
naomi harris
So the police can flag us down for over speeding but they don't show up when we are terrorizing their populace? For christs sake I just shot bullets over the heads of people who happened to not be scared by the way
narrator
ola rapaace hops off his bike and untop a train no literarily he is totally untop of the train because that's how coincidences work in hollywood
naomi harris
Oh come on doesn't this guy stay still? Why is he on a train?
daniel craig
(Riding a bike deliberately into a bridge railing when he could easily just jump off the Bridge like ola rapace did)
To give way for a tasteless train fight scene
judi dench
Daniel what's going on?naomi what's going on? Our satellite cannot move any further and we are off comm with daniel(thanks to poor story telling we don't know if its a technical difficulty or if he is deliberately ignoring me) however we can communicate with you just fine
naomi harris
Why?
judi dench
So we can engage shock value, "tasteless" shock value
narrator
both super assassins keep firing at air and tractors and many items except either of them
daniel craig
Damn it I'm out of ammo, hmmmn(tosses his gun away so turkish security forces shall find evidence that MI6 agents were present during what clearly looks like a terrorist attack) what to do?
What to do?
judi dench
What's going on agent ?
naomi harris
This is agent reporting from the totally convenient side track beside the CGI train, Er....daniel is turing a digger around and oh surprise surprise he just got shot in the shoulder
daniel craig
Actually I should have been shot to f*ck right now but because its a hollywood movie, a convenient shoulder wound is just fine
ola rapace
oh that's right I should just detach the train
audience
wouldn't that stop the train as well as alert the driver of the train to what's going on?
ola rapace
Not in this movie
naomi harris
Ok now daniel craig is crushing some VW beetles and he has ploughed the f*ck out of the train ripping its back off and it looks like he is balancing himself for a jump
ola rapace
This could have been a good time to shoot you in the face but luckily I'm out of ammo(walks away)
narrator
then daniel hops off a digger and into the train like
daniel craig
I don't really know what jumps out in this stunt, is it the lame hopping off a moving digger into a moving train or the fact that my adjust cufflinks reaction was childish as well as fake or that the passengers are just staring at me like I took a huge sh*t in public rather than flipping the f*ck out?
naomi harris
Now daniel has hopped into the train and climbed out to the top of the train and he is now trading punches with the other dude in on a speeding train rather than just shoving him off the train, fancy that
judi dench
Gimme details I need details
naomi harris
Well they've thrown like a hundred punches and kicks and they keep falling back and forward but no one is actually falling over the train cause the top of the train is that wide o crap my convenient road has ended, time to take out a long range rifle that I should have given a shot at the bridge when ola rapace was by himself and I shall now take a risky shot when he is not alone
judi dench
Oh my God should I trust an experienced agent who is the closest to the hostile and who has a higher chance of recovering our whatever the f*ck file? Or should I depend on a 50/50 shot from an inexperienced agent who couldn't even shoot a guy at close range? Oh God the dilemma
audience
This is a no brainer you can call turkish police to intercept an armless criminal at the train station , you can scramble helicopters to track the train seeing as its a long distance train or you could just trust daniel to finish the job
judi dench
can't you see I'm trying to be in a dilemma here? Alright naomi take the shot
audience
Isn't daniel going to at least get out of the way? I mean he can hear them just fine right?
judi dench
Take the bloody shot
naomi harris
I've taken the shot oops! Seems I hit daniel no just daniel the other guy is fine and right now rather than taking a shot at him I'm staring at him and hoping he will die of guilt or something
narrator
[b]with a bullet in his shoulder and a bullet in his rib daniel falls about 500 feet to his death......... just kidding he is totally rescued by mermaids and fed a bunch of sea weeds and sand till recovery, bond shall return after the fat lady sings ( no pun intended)
To be continued.......

Ciroc on the rocks.

severee:
Dedicated to the next bond film SPECTRE PLEASE DON'T SUCK

AMEN TO THAT WE TAKE GOD BEG UNA

RaeMystix:
Ciroc on the rocks.

With a hint of oak

Drink responsibly +18

33117:


With a hint of oak

Drink responsibly +18

You cease the get the joke.

RaeMystix:

You cease the get the joke.

what joke?
Or did you edit your post?

33117:


what joke?
Or did you edit your post?

Nope! My comment was intended to poke fun at op, by implying that he was drunk when he created that thread.

sam mendes
This tasteless pre-title sequence was brought to you courtesy of heinekein beer cartons shoved at the camera during the bike chase, audi sedan ola rapace official get away vehicle,land rover daniel craig and naomi harris official chase vehicle,cat digger and VW beetles well arranged for daniels forced train stunt and daniel craig's watch which was zoomed at for no reason
adele
*singing* I set fire to the rain
sam mendes
I wish! no we aren't doing fire to the rain we are doing some gay empty content song about NOTHING
adele
So what should the lyrics be?
sam mendes
Just say anything from the top of your head
adele
Well ahem skyfall,crumble,stand tall and face it all
sam mendes
Wow that sounds like lyrics someone wrote to get money for weed! I like it sing it like 50 times more I bet the audience will totally dig it
narrator
next judi dench on the losing team is summoned into the board room where somebody will get fired
ralph fiennes
Hey judi have a sit so what happened why did one hitman f*ck up the whole of MI6? Escaping with our tired old NOC file plot 3 months ago
judi dench
Don't really know what jumps out of what you just said is it the donald trump apprentice reference this scene has or that an NOC file was on a dude's computer or that it took place 3 months ago and you are just hounding me about it now
ralph fiennes
Choose two people to come into the board room with you
judi dench
I choose john logan and naomi harris
Because the beginning of this movie was terribly written and knowing john logan I say this is another star wars disaster waiting to happen, then naomi harris because she is boring and obnoxious
ralph fiennes
Well I'm not firing john logan because he abides by hollywood's lazy traditions and I won't fire naomi harris because she is in this movie but as for you, you nagged them all the way in istanbul and rather than having naomi describe the assailant you suspended her judi dench you are fired!
judi dench
Well tough t*tty I don't have a deputy or an understudy of any sort so I shall keep being M till I'm tired
ralph fiennes
Fair enough
narrator
judi dench gets into her car and starts pouting like a 2 year old
rory kinear
Er........ma'am someones hacking your office workstation computer
judi dench
;DHaha very funny..........you are kidding right? Hacking MI6 workstations computers? Is that possible?
rory kinear
Whoever is doing so is trying to gain access to the codes that unlock the NOC file 3months after the file was stolen
judi dench
Really? So that code isn't destroyed or something? Anyway rather than rerouting the signals and tracking our hacker let's shut down my work station computer
narrator
they shut down their computers and the MI6 building blows up
judi dench
okay that's not good
rory kinear
you think?
narrator
next we see daniel having sex in a cabana rather than I don't know.............say a hospital with every bone in his body broken
daniel craig
Hey guys I totally survived that ordeal don't even bother asking how I survived or whether I visited a hospital or rehab centre as a matter of fact I simply just got up, dusted myself and went to the nearest pub. Anyway once again I'm a tormented soul like I was in quantum of solace only this time I'm tormented for no reason and rather than showing signs of depression like weight loss and insomnia like in quantum of solace, I shall walk around frowning
Like I just sucked a d*ck.......n*ked the whole time of course I bet the gay dudes in the audience will enjoy this, time to take my pain killers that I got from the billion literate doctors on this totally remote island then head unto the bar to get hammered with a scorpion on my hand- Pouting scene brought to you courtesy of heineken
narrator
he totally does so which makes no sense and goes to show just how poorly sam mendes understands comedy , next we see him pouting again at a bar, he is about to get sh*t faced again when a CNN news bulletin appears on TV
daniel craig
O_o okay am i supposed to believe that this totally remote island has cable?
CNN dude
MI6 office was attacked today and 6 people got killed in the cyber attack don't ask me how we know that a gas explosion was caused by a computer because in this movie, plot details are on holiday
judi dench
Er......actually its 8 people c'mon man I know the movie sucks but can't everyone just try to give a f*ck?- this convenient scene was brought to you courtesy of CNN
narrator
next in london we see a very confusing conversation take place between a judi dench who was initially typing daniel craig's obituary and daniel craig who was supposed to be stuck on an island without money or travel papers, How did he even magically show up in her apartment?
daniel craig
Hello, judi
judi dench
Oh hello daniel
daniel craig
You seem awfully calm considering that a trained killer and an disgruntled former employee has come back from the dead and broken into your house
judi dench
*rolling eyes* alright fine how are you daniel? How did you survive the istanbul ordeal?
daniel craig
How do you survive in this totally unsecured house with no bodyguards?
judi dench
No seriously how did you survive getting shot twice falling from such heights and drowning? Come on are you seriously not going to explain that? C'mon a lot of stories are going unexplained in this movie, Expose department can you help?
sam mendes
Oh we totally fired those guys so we would just have to take actions without any explaning
daniel craig
I want back into the secret service game
judi dench
With a drinking problem and an impending arrest for breaking and entering? Screw that
daniel craig

judi dench
Ok show up at the office and take some meaningless tests that would prove you are fit for field work now go take a shower
daniel craig
Ok I'll go home and change
judi dench
*in sexy voice* did I say go home and change? we totally sold your flat and donated your clothes to salvation army, its office policy, we sell your sh*t after three months even though we never found your body to prove your death
daniel craig
Fine I'll find a hotel and change
judi dench
Well you're bloody not sleeping here or are you? Going to run a shower incase you are interested
daniel craig
(Holds back barf) meaningless scene brought to you courtesy of jack daniels or whatever the f*ck I was drinking when M walked in
narrator
next we see bond being driven to the office and along the way we are treated to some magic tricks sam mendes and his moronic cinematographer perform as the car behind the SUV turns from an alfa romero, to a jaguar and finally a mercedes like f*ck! This movie is just a 2:25minute tv commercial
daniel craig
Er why are we going underground?
rory kinear
Gas explosion at our office
daniel craig
I bet it was clara she is always forgetting to turn off the stove when she is cooking
rory kinear
No actually someone hacked into MI6 network and caused a gas leak
daniel craig
He did that with a computer? You mean our gas cooker is hooked up to the internet?
rory kinear
Yea we know its st*pid just go with it
narrator
next daniel craig sucks at shooting, sucks at pull ups , sucks at cardio exercises and totally has the mind of a murderous, psychotic, pervert with mommy issues
daniel craig
damn! I've been doing spy work for at least 6 years and all it takes is 3 months for me to suck so much?
sam mendes
we are going to be doing a tasteless comeback that no one will notice later in the movie
daniel craig
Hey analyst dude I just totally dug this bullet out of my shoulder analyze it hopefully only three people use it and ola rapaace will be one of them
analyst dude
Ew! You did that yourself? What about calling a hospital?Do you have something against hospitals? Why did you dig it out yourself what if you severed a nerve or a ligament or a tissue?
daniel craig
A doctor r*ped me when I was a kid and it scarred me for life that's why I don't do doctors besides the gay fans in the audience were waiting for another shirtless scene
rory kinear
This is a uranium plated bullets which brings up the question of why you aren't dead from blood poisoning yet? Anyway we traced it and you are right this bullet is so rear its used by only three people in th whole word I don't get it if the bullet doesn't sell and are so expensive to make why do they keep making it ? Are you ripping off the tagged bill tracking scene in quantum of solace?
daniel craig
That's him over there(points at ola rapaace on the screen)
rory kinear
Oops ola rapaace is a ghost he only comes out when he wants to, you don't find him he finds you...............(2seconds later) ok here is the latest from his agenda flight to hongkong to kill a dude we have the flight seat number his shoe size his hair colour the sounds of his fart we have everything lousy ghost
Daniel craig
How did we know about this?
rory kinear
We have a few friends in the CIA who want him dead or alive for the murder of their ambassador to yemen
daniel craig
Er isn't this the time where I meet with felix leiter or dwayne or even jinx I mean we don't want th CIA to look like people who f*ck their agency over important information
rory kinear
Nope no contacts, a computer is just right thank you daniel we couldn't have done this without you
daniel craig
Seriously That guy fired like a billion bullets in istanbul couldn't you at least pick one and analyze it? *smh*
naomi harris
hello daniel, hey guys just breezed in to say I still exist
daniel craig
What are you doing here?
naomi harris
I'm going to be mallory's secretary during the transition *GIANT WINK*
daniel craig
How does that even relate? You were stationed in istanbul how did you come to be a secretary shouldn't they have to hire a real secretary if ralph fiennes needs one?
naomi harris
I got suspended because I shot you
daniel craig
Oh so friendly fires are now an offence? *rolling eyes* oh sam why didn't you even read a spy manual before shooting this? Almost looks like you are making this up as you go
naomi harris
Well its temporary though cause I shall be returning to the field soon
daniel craig
Really? But you are an african woman your place is either in a mans kitchen or behind a computer in front of a white man's office. Not in the field
naomi harris
Wow daniel just broke the misogynist record but luckily that's part of my totally lame character development so I'll let it slide
judi dench
Ok daniel I'm sending you to hong kong go there and await further instructions
ralph fiennes
Are you kidding? You are sending daniel? Not only did he fail all his tests , has a severe alchohol and substance addiction he is also the last guy ola rapaace saw in istanbul and will totally recognize him a mile away, this man needs rehab not reinstatement
judi dench
Well unfortunately 009 and 006 are on holiday besides this is the first film where we have to force james bond to be relevant its daniels time to shine
ralph fiennes
Ok will we be sending a tact team to assist him in extracting ola rapaace?
judi dench
F*ck that its daniels time to shine
daniel craig
Leave my mom alo.........ahem! I mean hire me or fire me its your choice
judi dench
Aw kuchi ku does baby want me to tickle his stomach? Baby wants ugly bull dog statue on my table? Don't worry I shall put it in my will
ralp fiennes
(Face palms)
To be continued.............

judi dench
Anyway you are to meet with the quarter master at an art gallery.
daniel craig
An art gallery? Why don't I just meet him within the building? Or even at my apartment that's way safer and more discreet than a public art gallery you know
judi dench
Hey london 2012 is not so far away and we have to force a lot of london scenery into the movie so play nice and you'll jump off a helicopter strapped to the queen during the opening ceremony
daniel craig
Ew! Why would you put that sh*t in my head? Now I can't get that disgusting image outta my head
narrator
next we see daniel craig at an art gallery being mad at a painting when this scary looking dude shows up
ben whishaw
hello handsome, you come here often?
daniel craig
F*ck off you fairy(gets up to leave)
ben whishaw
I'm the new Q
daniel craig
wow! Really? so the iconic role of Q graced by legendary talents such as alex mcowen,john cleese and desmond llewelyn is now played by a skinny gay dude that looks like he is on chemo
ben whishaw
But seriously I'm the new Q that's why I shall bark out your code name in a public place rather than your cover name so that any counter agent spy can know what's up
daniel craig
Wow! Why didn't they get benedict cumberbatch or rupert graves or even sam worthington to play Q?you know, someone interesting
ben whishaw
But I'm interesting I can do more damage than you in bed wait that didn't come out right
daniel craig
By damage in bed you mean taking a nap while a hacker blows the sh*t out of our office?
ben whishaw
*sigh* anyway I brought your equipment
daniel craig
Oh really? Where my spy pen at?
ben whishaw
Oh we don't go for exploding pens anymore instead we go for this giant radio (courtesy of radio shack) and this totally 1980s palm print scanner gun that has no use
daniel craig
er..........you are giving me a radio transmitter and a palm print scanner gun to hunt down a guy who blew up MI6 office with a computer?
ben whishaw
Well you'll get to make a kick-a*ss speech with your radio and you'll get to humiliate an asian dude with your totally lame and useless palm print scanner gun, just be sure to bring the equipment back in one piece
daniel craig
Ok if you say so........... wait what's with the bolded statement? that sounds so familiar
ben whishaw
that's right guys am not just another random Q I'm actually major boothroyd from the 60s
daniel craig
*face palm*
sam mendes
Alright time to suck china's d*ck so we can get chinese people to watch so for the next few minutes we shall show a string of useless scenes like they did with the tosca scene in quantum of solace
audience
Actually the tosca scene from quantum solace was a pretty important scene to both quantum of solace and casino royale cause it brought vesper lynds extortionists to light, it showed daniel craig's transition into darkness because of vespers suicide and it provided depth to bond and M's relationship
sam mendes
well did I mention that the useless scenes in the chinese sequence features 3 shirtless daniel craig scenes
gay audience
yay!
narrator
next we see daniel craig stalking ola rapaace from the airport to an office building because picking him up for interrogation is lame when compared to stalking a dude to an unknown destination at the risk of getting caught by chinese paranoid security agents.
Ola rapaace strolls into the building, pops a guard and keeps moving forward without looking back because that's how they do it in france
daniel craig
Ola rapaace has caught an elevator I know I will follow him by performing this totally dangerous stunt of hanging under his elevator when I can simply take another elevator or shoot him in the shoulder.............oh I can do pull ups again just incase anyone gives a f*ck
narrator
ola rapaace gets out of the elevator and gets lost in the building
daniel craig
Oh sh*t where is ola rapaace oh there he is good thing all the walls here are made of glass, hey where did he get that long range snipers rifle from? Did he actually make it through airport authorities with that?
ola rapaace
Wait a minute I can hear footsteps and doors sqeaking but upon looking behind me, thank goodness it's just a door with legs
narrator
daniel craig is a few inches away from ola rapaace yet all he does is stand and watch the dude cut the glass in front of him and assemble his gun to shoot a random dude that has nothing do do with the movie
daniel craig
Okay why am I just watching this guy assemble his gun this is beginning to look like voyeurism and who hires ola rapaace to assassinate someone with a gun when he totally didn't hit sh*t in istanbul, 10bucks says he tanks this shot
narrator
ola rapaace shoots the random dude
daniel craig
okay how did that happen? oh! the lights that have been flashing the building has decided to show my reflection and ola rapaace has decided to spot me oh well guess I have to engage him in another tasteless fight scene
sam mendes
Okay here's the thing about this scene I just played shadow fight on my i-phone and I think it will be fun to include that into the movie, so the fight scene is totally going to be done in silhouette format and so the audience can tell them apart, ola rapaace will keep holding his rifle no matter how st*pid it looks
narrator
the audience try not to notice that ola's gun has suddenly shifted into automatic when it was manual a few seconds ago, then daniel flips ola rapaace out of the window and does the whole hanging by the hands routine
daniel craig
Who are you working for?
ola rapaace
The last time you asked a guy that question you totally dropped him down to his death........... em when did you get your gloves back on? Didn't you need to take it off to operate you gun? Oh sh*t I'm gonna die ain't I?(Falls off)
daniel craig
Oh jeez! I just killed a guy and there's a hot chick across the building who seems pretty cool about the murder, perhaps she is a culprit in the crime hmmmn perhaps I should intercept her downstairs and interrogate her or I should totally get my a*ss outta here incase the police come but instead I shall carefully check ola's personal effects perhaps I may find a clue there, oh hey a casino chip jinkies! if that's not a clue I don't know what that is
To be continued..........

narrator
next we see judi dench in her apartment surfing the web when she sees a hacked screen of course sam mendes being the lousy director he is could not at least ascertain if it was her email,blog,video chat or Facebook account that got hacked
judi dench
Oh look a click here to redeem your prize button when I didn't play any game, I guess the best thing to do is click it(click)
Oh darn it, the prize was a youtube video showing the true identities of undercover NATO agents embedded in the middle east what do I do? What do I do?
audience
Perhaps you could use your power as a military agency to order youtube to take down the video on grounds of national security it will only take a second
judi dench
I have a better idea,(picks phone) hey rory kinnear get those NATO agents out their identities have been exposed
rory kinnear
Are you kidding me? That list got snatched about three months ago and you are just asking me to pull them out now?
judi dench
Yep! Snail speed my good man
rory kinnear
(Whispering) no wonder you got fired
judi dench
I heard that
narrator
next we see daniel craig in a chinese hotel when he suddenly gets a knock on the door
daniel craig
The f*ck could that be (picks up his gun)
naomi harris
You need room service? *wink*
daniel craig
Phew! Here I was getting all paranoid and taking out my piece when its just you at the door I feel safe already its not like you could be a mole or a double agent like the MI6 moles in the last 3 movies
naomi harris
I travelled all the way from england to tell you that the code protecting the NOC file has been cracked and now the NATO undercover agents are collectively getting their a*sses snitched 5names per week
daniel craig
That's so sad............let's f*ck in their honor
naomi harris
What? No
daniel craig
C'mon I've a bathing towel round my waist with nothing underneath,you are doing your pretentious sexy voice and there are candles everywhere (for some reason?) Nothing can kill this mood
naomi harris
Blue waffles
daniel craig
F*ck God dammit my mood has been totally destroyed now f*ck off I have a depression beard to shave
naomi harris
Well I could help with that
daniel craig
Hmmmmm I could actually trim down my beard with a clipper but for no reason, I shall trust a clumsy b*tch like you to help shave me with a cut through razor
naomi harris
A cut through razor? Why?
daniel craig
Because black people make the best barbers.......I mean cause the old ways are the best
naomi harris
So about the list what are we doing next?you know, since you killed our only lead and all
daniel craig
I found a casino chip in his gun case so I'm guessing that I shall take a stroll to macau's casino hopefully I shall meet with his employer who coincidentally is the same dude that hired ola to get the hard drive from turkey
naomi harris
A casino chip?sure don't analyze his gun and find out who sold such a military grade weapon to a civilian and probably link him to his employer go ahead and investigate a lousy chip while you are at it why don't you examine his right shoe and track down his cobbler? Perhaps Paul smith hired ola rapaace to mess with MI6
sam mendes
what can I say we had to put the tuxedo scene somewhere
daniel craig
who was that annoying dude in judi's office I hate him
naomi harris
Who? Ralph fiennes he is a nice guy why do you hate him?
daniel craig
because its expose time what is his back story
naomi harris
the one time an exposition is not needed and we do it anyway, well ralph fiennes is a cannibal with daddy issues
sam mendes
Psst! Wrong script
naomi harris
Oops! My bad, ralph fiennes used to be a field agent and he was an MI6 sleeper agent in the IRA and he is also one of the winks that sam mendes wants to spring on us
daniel craig
Yawn! What a long and boring story
naomi harris
Okay all done! Now you look the part OLD manDOG NEW TRICKS
daniel craig
That's right man I've got several new tricks I can drink circles around you and I frown and mope like I just watched a marvel kinghts movie
naomi harris
this forced scene was brought to you courtesy of blue waffles, guaranteed to kill any b*ner
narrator
next daniel walks into a casino in macau which has a komodo dragon pit because a fight scene is totally not going to take place there in a few minutes, he cashes in the casino chip for €4million
daniel craig
Wait a minute they actually paid a guy €4million to burst a cap in a man that was in a room filled with assassins that took out his wife/assistant/secretary seconds after he was killed?*shakes head* anyway oh look its the chick from hongkong time to perform my bond magic(approaches)hey babe do you........ holy f*ck what's on your face?
berenice marlohe
Its called make up welcome to the 21st century grandpa
daniel craig
And may I ask why you are fig getting?
Are you some sort of meth addict?
berenice marlohe
No this is just my over the top way of saying how scary my boss is
He is so scary we call him fear cause he is fear but the kind of fear you fear to know about because..............FEAR
daniel craig
Yea like 3 different chicks have told bond how scary their bosses are but he always ends up murdering their a*sses without rumpling his shirt
berenice marlohe
Really? you are here to kill him? Where's your back up
daniel craig
Well I have this gigantic transmitter which will be the first thing they will sight during a frisk and I just dumped my ear piece into a glass of champagne for no reason so there's no way my associate here would know if I'm in trouble
berenice marlohe
Can you kill him?
daniel craig
Well I'm an out of shape MI6 agent who almost fell out of a window during my last fist fight
berenice marlohe
Perfect! Alright those asian dudes over there are here to kill you so discard them and join me on my yacht ciao!
narrator
as daniel craig is leaving the casino a gang of unarmed asian dudes confront him at the door hoping to stare him to death
daniel craig
Hmmmm perhaps I should just shoot these guys and walk out or I should fire shots in the air cause a stampede and escape through the raucus but instead I will fend them off with a suit case like a jackie chan movie
narrator
daniel tries to fend them off but he is tackled into ......yep you guessed it the komodo dragon pit
daniel craig
Oh c'mon look I know you wanna sample gold finger into this movie but isn't this a bit much there's the oddjob knock off, and james bond fighting in a pit surrounded by danger wait a minute is that a komodo dragon? Why do you have a komodo dragon in a casino? No one comes into the casino to watch the komodo dragon and the dragons hide in dens so why are they here in the first place.....oh never mind
oddjob knock-off
you dare compare me with that overweight asian man servant who never said sh*t throughout the movie
daniel craig
O_o
oddjob knock-off
I'll kill you(slams daniel like there were in a WWE match)
oddjob knock-off
Oh jolly you have a gun I was wondering how to kill you what's this? Gun doesn't fire? Oh I get it tasteless james bond asian joke wasn't funny in licensed to kill and it isn't funny now(gets grabbed by a komodo dragon) oh sh*t I forgot we had those aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!
narrator
another komodo dragon hops out of the dark and runs past daniel craig because komodo dragons are now racist, daniel craig then spring boards on the komodo's back because..............live and let die
komodo dragon
Hey not cool man you are lucky that sam mendes doesn't know that real komodo dragons can catch their prey even by hopping
narrator
daniel craig sticks out his head from th pit when one of the asian dudes shoves a gun in his face
asian dude
I've been lying on the floor waiting for you to stick your head out
naomi harris
And I've been waiting for you to bring out your gun so I can take you out with this suit case
daniel craig
Phew! Thanks time to head out
naomi harris
Shouldn't you be at a hospital right now? You know since your back was smashed against hard stony floor
daniel craig
Er........if you knew me you would know I hate hospitals now hold this money and hope you don't get mugged in this totally dangerous casino
naomi harris
Any report for home
daniel craig
Yes tell them agro na bastard I repeat agro na bastard
narrator
in the yacht daniel craig infiltrates off screen because sam was smart to know he can never justify infiltrating a boat filled with a gang of dudes
daniel craig
Ha! Now I've infiltrated the yacht I should probably radio the calvary or take out all the guards on the yacht but first things first (hops into shower with berenice)
berenice marlohe
Hey ocupado
daniel craig
hmmm you aren't wearing make up groovy!
berenice marlohe
Wait a minute for real we are gonna have sex? C'mon about 5 minutes ago I didn't even look interested in you
daniel craig
More f*cking less talking *lets get it on*
berenice marlohe
And the fact that I used to be a prostitute and have f*cked a ton of men doesn't offend you?
daniel craig
Not even in the slightest way
berenice marlohe
Isn't this how people get herpes?
daniel craig
That's none of my business
narrator
and the audience watch in horror as a former child prostitute and an alcohol+drug addict consumate in pg format just to show how poorly sam mendes understands romance
To be continued......

severee:

narrator
and the audience watch in horror as a former child prostitute and an alcohol+drug addict consumate in pg format just to show how poorly sam mendes understands romance
To be continued......

Haha why the constant hate on sam mendes now?
You should hail for the doing the impossible which is making a bond movie boring, the man is a legend

Ha
Ha
Ha
Ok we af laughed so will you please stop these your dry write ups tere are so many of them and its just chopping space and wasting megabytes and BTW
Skyfall by far the best james bond movie on earth if you hae bad taste in movies that's your own sha

narrator
back in london judi dench and ralph fiennes are watching a news bulletin from BBC news
BBC news
One of the exposed agents on youtube today got his a*ss capped on a viral video which MI6 once again failed to control here's the video
judi dench
Hehe like they don't think we have dossiers about them submitted by the undercover agents now time to go airborne and burn their sh*t to the ground
ralph fiennes
Hmmmn that is one thing but judi that's one of NATO's agent that got capped and for some reason the whole world now knows that its because you lost the lousy NOC file which by the way no one knew you had
judi dench
Oh gee! I wonder where this is going
ralph fiennes
The foreign minister has called for a hearing and you are to appear
judi dench
She called for a hearing over a security breach? Don't they only call hearings when there's a corruption scandal or you know, stuff that actually affect the public?
sam mendes
Hey what can I say I just saw season 7 of 24 when some senator was grilling jack bauer over being a jerk to terrorists and I thought o boy I got to get that sh*t in here you know what I'm saying?
ralph fiennes
Well I think its safe pull daniel back in
judi dench
What? No! We still have to get back the list
ralph fiennes
Yea the list of agents that is been displayed on youtube? Look our cover is blown we've been breached the british intelligence is in dis-array call in your agent before he makes a fool of himself
Why are you scowling at me like that? Don't gimme that bull sh*t excuse that its...............
judi dench
Daniel's time to shine
narrator
meanwhile on the high seas after a nap and a shower, daniel hops out of the cabin and heads towards berenice on deck
daniel craig
The f*ck just how far is this base? The moon? Oh great! You've started doing the crack addict routine again
berenice marlohe
Fear itself knows fear because fear is afraid of spelling fear in capital letters because FEAR
daniel craig
O_o okkkkay! Which reminds me I'm supposed to radio my platoon(clicks his radio and puts it in his pocket because SUBTLETY)
narrator
next a gang of dudes jump out of the tiny little cabin
daniel craig
Where the f*ck did you guys come from? Why didn't you catch me since? Were listening to us have sex? That's so weird
narrator
they port at some blown to sh*t island
berenice marlohe
Time for another EXPOSE ,my boss got this island that probably contained millions of people by lying to them that there was a leak at the chemical plant
daniel craig
What da? He lied to a Bunch of people who were literate enough to own a chemical plant and they totally bought that? How did he do that?
berenice marlohe
Its amazing the things you can do with a computer
daniel craig
No really how did he convince them and scare everyone into evacuation and why has no one at least returned to check if the threat is over? Oh I forgot sam and lazy logan are on the job
narrator
they snatch daniel into a beaten to sh*t hotel while they drag berenice to the back to of the hotel to lupita nyongo her a*ss for no reason, daniel is tied to a chair in this really hot and dusty room with computer thingies everywhere and we know they are computer thingies because we can totally see wires everywhere according to sam, wires mean super computers
daniel craig
Oh boy! Tied to a chair O God wonder what they are going to do to me whip my nuts with a carpet duster?beat me with a crowbar and swing an axe at me like in quantum of solace?
(Javier bardem hops out of an elevator)
daniel craig
Javier bardem seriously? Why not get dominic west or ray stevenson? Even dennis hopper can top this sh*t not javier bardem is this because of no country for old men? The guy totally sucked the one time he faced a guy in a gun duel he ended up getting blasted in the nuts and couldn't even afford drugs he had to f*cking rob a drug store jeez! And what's with the horse teeth and blonde hair please don't tell me you fell in a bucket of acid like joker from batman
javier bardem
You think this is bad, I heard chris waltz the dude with the fake german accent from django unchained will be playing villain in SPECTRE be careful not to step on him. Okay there were rats on an island and we trapped them into a drum and watched them eat each other cause I'm a sick motherf*cker
daniel craig
And you are telling me that story because..........
javier bardem
No reason just felt like doing that scene in quantum of solace where mathew almaric told that disturbing ant/ piano student story
daniel craig
O_o Rrrrrrrrright! So are you a member of the basque separatists movement? Are you sending a political message through cyber-terrorism?
javier bardem
Er no I'm just a disgruntled former MI6 agent out for revenge and I know that sounds very charlies angel-ish but Hey I'm a good bond villain infact I'm the best bond villain ever
daniel craig
Yea right! More like the silliest and most lazily written
javier bardem
What are you talking about? I've an island
daniel craig
O yea at a point I thought the franchise was done with that bullsh*t villain base but I guess the era of bullsh*t villain bases is back
javier bardem
I'm also an established cyber terrorist
daniel craig
Cyber terrorism? C'mon that's so 1990 besides if you were so good why did you need to send a dude to retrieve a file you could have easily swiped with your supernatural hacking abilities?
javier bardem
I bet you won't be talking so much sh*t when i shove my d*ck in your mouth(starts to unbutton daniels shirt and caress his wound) hey how did this wound turn into a scarb so quickly? Didn't you cut through the wound a few days ago?
daniel craig
My question is why they keep focusing on that wound that wasn't the shot that took me out for christs sake this is just a random wound turned plot that I received from your hitman and by the way if you plan on r*ping me you better see it through
javier bardem
No thanks I'm good, what if I go all lucifer on you and tell you that judi betrayed you by sending you to capture me when you and your gadgets suck a*ss
daniel craig
What?
javier bardem
Oh lemme just hack into MI6 database and pull out your file because I'm that good
daniel craig
(Muttering) why won't that happen when a girl is playing Q now
javier bardem
Here it is daniel shoots like an old lady,he has that cardio features of an obessed and diabetic 12 year old,he is a junky and has a great case of mommy issues, er why would judi send someone like that after me?
daniel craig
Em maybe because she trusts me and knows I can do the job?
javier bardem
Damn it! That's a good answer alright follow me outback wanna show you your girlfriend beaten to sh*t
daniel craig
Ok
javier bardem
Now let's shoot this tiny glass of whisky off her head
daniel craig
Hmmmmmn that sounds humanly possible(shoots and totally yakubus the shot)
audience
Wow! Daniel craig is such an *diot in this movie
daniel craig
No its my character flaw I'm only human and I'm tormented by God knows what and I.........(Javier shoots berenice in the head) what da f*ck how could you do that how could you waste such beauty
javier bardem
frankly I don't know why I killed berenice either
daniel craig
I'm not talking about berenice I mean the whisky filled glass on her head but anyway shouldn't you have killed your incompetent bodyguards that totally didn't see me sneak into the yacht?
javier bardem
Wow you have a point there
(Daniel murders everyone) er is there a reason why you didn't do this about 10seconds ago?
daniel craig
Ha! I pretended to be captured so I can capture you and look just in time some CGI KIA helicopters just pulled up
KIA soldiers
Yea we are here to pick you up and luckily the chinese were nice enough to not order our helicopter to turn around or escort our a*sses with a warship and we shall transport you all the way to our now concealed head quarters instead of a safe house like every normal spy agency would do now let's go
javier bardem
Wow a british helicopter transmitted by an MI6 agents radio transmitter? How did a brilliant man like me not figure that out?
berenice marlohe
I've been killed barely 20seconds ago and they've already forgotten my a*ss? Did I like have a use in this movie?
daniel craig
Yea you were just to fulfill the bond ritual which is drink booze,wear a tuxedo,give my real name to spies/terrorists and r*pe pretty women I got a feeling this will be a good mission
narrator
back at london judi visits javier in a cell totally made of glass and controlled by computers
javier bardem
Woah! Is this a hannibal lecter movie? Why am I in his holding cell oh hey mommy
judi dench
Okay now that was really creepy
javier bardem
You were vewy bad mommy you wet the mean chinese man towture my a*ss for 5 months aw so you could welease 6 other awgents that were dumb enough to get caught how bad are you at maths when they offer you 6 agents for 1 agent doesn't that mean that 1agent is valuable to them? You've forgotten aw about me you even have a new son
judi dench
Nonsense you were missed for 5 minutes and I totally put your name on our memorial wall under thousands of other intelligent agents you see you were supposed to take the cyanide capsule in your tooth
javier bardem
Yea I did and it mewted my teeth and chick bone but left my lungs and internal owgans intact
judi dench
O_o since when did cyanide work like acid and not kill people?
javier bardem
Since top spy bases get blown to sh*t by the internet and drunk agents can simply waltz into the home of one of the most powerful women in the world
judi dench
Whatever you will be going to prison and the NOC file plot will be totally abandoned here excuse me now I have a butt-chopping hearing to attend
javier bardem
Say my name say my name not when no one is around you tell me that I love you why the sudden change
judi dench
O_o
daniel craig
Er judi you wanna explain what that was about?
chinese government
Yea explain why we are bad guys here when this had nothing to do with us
judi dench
Oh er javier hacked on the chinese so they arrested him end of story
daniel craig
Wow! So this movie is based on a 10 second story? Well time to find that file that is totally on his laptop because it can only be on his laptop for sure
ben whishaw
Hi daniel
daniel craig
Er why are you going all chloe brian aren't you a quarter master?
ben whishaw
Well this way I get more face time let's hook up this computer
daniel craig
Uh I'm not a computer genius and stuff but don't you think you should scan for viruses first?
ben whishaw
Nope(doors open) oh sh*t a virus is in the system
daniel craig
Yea a virus that opens all the doors takes out armed guards and helps javier teleport into the subway in mere seconds? what virus is that?
To be continued........

33117:


With a hint of oak

Drink responsibly +18

Did you get that med school you were searching for..are u in med school now? Lol ur awsome..so if u don't want to say hear say on my next thread "people writing about med schools" lol official evite

They should change the entire bond story now. I think its time. The last 3 sucked.


Brosnan ruled!!!

armadeo:
They should change the entire bond story now. I think its time. The last 3 sucked.


Brosnan ruled!!!

Actually they did change the bond story arc that's why they took it all the way back to the start of his career, the villains were more realistic the characters like M, felix and tanner were more involved and the bond girls were no longer just sex objects anymore casino royale and quantum of solace were really good but skyfall just ruined everything and played safe by going back to the normal way of doing things
Brosy was good but e don old and daniel looks more like the original james bond

narrator
daniel goes down a tunnel and chases after javier
ben whishaw
Take the tunnel to the left
daniel craig
Yay! Ben you are back I thought the virus took out all the computers?
ben whishaw
Of course not apparently it's the open door virus EXE everything else is okay. so there's a map on his computer and I'm using it to track him down plus I've alerted the police and they are all over the subway wow that's one of the laziest continuity devices I have ever seen he left a map on his computer on how to get him? Smh
Narrator
javier bardem is walking through the subway in a grey jumpsuit and instead of getting jumped by the police, they hand him a police uniform in a box with a radio bomb because that's how the brits do things meanwhile daniel is almost getting his a*ss run over by a train(TRAIN SCENE 2)
daniel craig
Oh sh*t ben how do I open this hatch?
ben whishaw
Push it
daniel craig
I'm pushing
ben whishaw
Just push it push it push it real good
daniel craig
oh f*ck were you just radio-sexing me does this look like cloud atlas you f*cking fairy?
ben whishaw
who are you calling fairy you giant turd?
daniel craig
I'm not a turd you are the turd
ben whishaw
No you are the turd
daniel craig
no you are
audience
Ahem! Incase you haven't noticed, your little "rocky and bullwinkle" banter is terribly bemusing could you please get on with the snorefest?
daniel craig
oh in that case(shoots the key hole and pops the hatch open) see that? close call weren't you guys thrilled? damn! I can't even sell that
narrator
meanwhile at judi's butt-chopping hearing
butt-chopping lady
So you lost the NOC file and totally got your office blown to sh*t, what do you have to say to that?
judi dench
We have arrested the hacker/cyber terrorist and the NOC file plot has been successfully abandoned
butt-chopping lady
Wow really? I could have stayed at home for this, well this hearing can't be over in 20 seconds so let's talk about top secret information and active secret service units on live tv so we can endanger the lives of even more agents
judi dench
Sure!
narrator
back at the subway TRAIN SCENE 3 is on its way
daniel craig
Hey ben there are lots of people here, could you like use the cctv camera to see if javier bardem is on the train snails pace please
ben whishaw
you got it
daniel craig
Should I get on the train?
ben whishaw
Just a second
daniel craig
Should I get on the train?
ben whishaw
Just a second
daniel craig
SHOULD-I-GET-ON-THE-TRAIN?
ben whishaw
Hold on(train starts to move) okay now you can get on
narrator
daniel totally pulls a daring stunt courtesy of lagos bus conductors(eko o ni baje o) and instead of the train conductor to shoot him in the face, she totally opens the door I'm guessing this is how the london train bomber got in
daniel craig
Hey I can run again (looks at the map on the train)hey ben javier is heading towards the court house don't contact the police to watch out for him,don't contact the ministers to leave the room just send rory kinnear a tiny screen message to get judi out of there okay?
ben whishaw
I shall send the smallest message screen I can find, so do you have eyes on javier?
daniel craig
Yep!
ben whishaw
So why aren't you taking him out?
daniel craig
There are civilians around
ben whishaw
Oh but you didn't mind blowing up an embassy filled with civilians in casino royale and didn't mind opening fire in a restaurant in quantum of solace but all of a sudden you give a sh*t about civilians? I think this is just another lazy excuse to extend the plot
narrator
javier hops out of the train then he and daniel totally rip-off grand central climax scene from "carlitos way" complete with the sliding down the escalator stunt of course the real escalators have patterned discs on them that will totally tear javier and daniels nuts apart them think say we no go notice
rory kinnear
Hey judi javier just jumped bail and he is heading towards the courthouse we have to leave
judi dench
What?of course not I've a kick a*ss speech I'm going to give as well as a meaningless poem nobody is going anywhere
rory kinnear
Alright fine I shall totally sit my a*ss down even though my life is in danger
narrator
back at the train station daniel runs past several police men who he could simply stop and inform that hey javier is no longer wearing a jump suit he is now in uniform contact ben for more details but NO that's not how daniel rolls
daniel craig
Oh a slightly opened door that javier didn't have 2 seconds to close properly I bet he went that way (jumps in)
narrators
daniel spots javier and starts shooting aimlessly at him
javier bardem
Jesus! Four shots and one of them couldn't even take out my hat hehe you are like robocop when his targeting system is f*cked up
daniel craig
Whatever man you are coming with me
javier bardem
And you said I was a lame villain I deliberately got myself captured and escaped for no reason
daniel craig
After which you totally left a map on how to chase you down by the way this plan of yours so you knew I would return to service three months after getting my a*ss capped, I would then analyze your assassin's special bullet so I could intercept him in hongkong,take his casino chip and head to your casino in macau where I would meet berenice who will take me to your island after I've escaped your henchmen and CGI lizards then I would capture you bring you to our underground tunnel you just happened to know we would move into if we got attacked then you will escape captivity just in time to get a police uniform from rogue cops who just happen to be in the midst of other officers then you'll head to the court house to murder judi dench?
javier bardem
well now you say it out loud that was really lousy writing mr logan
daniel craig
Just accept it you suck
javier bardem
Well if I did suck would I be able to create this giant plothole and send a train through it?
daniel craig
Train? plothole?
narrator
javier blows up the ceiling with an explosive he magically fixed and out of nowhere, a train appears and rips the room to sh*t
daniel craig
Oh my God a train crash with hundreds of passengers........... wait a minute didn't ben whishaw say this was rush hour? Why is there an empty train during rush hour?
sam mendes
London 2012 is close and a train filled with people would be bad for business
daniel craig
What I don't get is why he didn't just shoot me if he wanted me dead so badly
audience
Or why there are 4 different train scenes in this movie
sam mendes
Oh c'mon don't be mad at me I'm a fan of subway surfers
narrator
back at the butt-chopping hearing
butt chopping lady
oh there's been a train crash a few miles from here but no one was killed so the show must go on, now gimme one reason why we should not just change the way we do bond movies like the last 2 movies did?
judi dench
That's because we don't spy on countries anymore we spy on people
butt chopping lady
Yea perhaps that's why we monitor emails tap people's phone calls and use drone airplanes
judi dench
But what if the enemy has no access to these?
butt chopping lady
That's why we hire private military consults to do our dirty work for us you know Indigenous people who look alike and blend in not some english tuxedo wearing alchoholic r*pist that drives a vintage aston martin car.
judi dench
Whatever now if you don't mind I shall make matters worse by reciting a pointless when a lunatic is on his way to kill us
javier bardem
Now I shall infiltrate the court house by shooting everyone on sight then I shall burst into the courtroom shoot judi and head out good plan javier you are a genius
daniel craig
And I shall run to the court house past a dozen police cars that I can commandeer and I shall not ask Q to radio backup to trap javier in the building instead I shall rely on my poor marksmanship skills and poor sense of execution
narrator
javier bursts into the room shoots a bunch of mudane characters, stares at judi as she sh*ts her pants then shoots ralph fiennes in the shoulder because the story must continue
ralph fiennes
Isn't that guy supposed to be in prison? How the hell is he here in police uniform whacking everyone
judi dench
because daniel craig was watching him his a*ss is so fired
ralph fiennes
Tell me about it
narrator
daniel bursts into the court room
daniel craig
Oh golly no one is dead except the dozen police officers in the court room but who cares for them anyway........
naomi harris

daniel craig
(Kicks a gun to her) holy sh*t why the f*ck did I just do that?(Watches her totally shoot air) oh right she totally doesn't hit a target when she uses a handgun
javier bardem
So daniel what do u think?
daniel craig
In casino royale the bad guy wanted to destroy the largest plane in the world so he could short stocks and enrich the Lords Resistance Army the bad guy in quantum of solace wanted to control the whole south america through monopolizing bolivia's water supply and you just want to kill judi in this elaborate suicide mission?
javier bardem
No you don't get it not only do I want to kill her I also want to disgrace her that's why I stole the list that's why I blew up her office that's why I deliberately got myself captured and that's why I'm........
daniel craig
On a suicide mission? dude if you wanted to disgrace her why stealing the NOC file was a lazy plot but it was okay so next you watch her get disgraced out of the service then kidnap her do some viral video sh*t where she confesses to crimes in front of a camera then chop her head off that's shameful enough and you don't need all these complicated stuff you know?
javier bardem
still calling it a suicide mission huh? I bet you won't be talking such smack if the reverse was the case
daniel craig
O yea?! Well now its on let's do this scene again only this time there would be three of us and more of you, you in?
javier bardem
O yea
daniel craig
Okay I'll give you an out by shooting these fire extinguishers to create a smoke screen okay?
javier bardem
What? I thought you had a problem with your aim
daniel craig
Well not in this scene perhaps in the next one
javier bardem
Okay let it rip
narrator
daniel creates a smoke screen to distract javier because it looked cool when jack bauer did it in 24, so javier gets frustrated, shoots his accomplice for no reason and strolls into his getaway car with no cops at sight
naomi harris
Alright everyone out javier is gone he is definitely not crouching outside the door and waiting for us to come out to clip us each I'm positive even though I've not checked
narrator
judi is escourted to her car(which surprisingly was not rigged to explode in the first place) with no bodyguards of course just her bald man servant rory kinnear and daniel zooms off with her because humor
judi dench
Hey daniel I thought bond always go AWOL with the girl after the bad guy dies?
daniel craig
Aren't all the girls always pretty? Yuk! I'm not whisking you away b*tch I'm taking you to my haunted cottage in scotland tohave you killed protect you from javier hey ben can you make us disappear in an implausible way that the bristish secret service can't find us but only javier can
ben whishaw
And risk losing my job and going to prison
daniel craig
You'll get to experience prison r*pe
ben whishaw
o yea I'm in one implausible plot coming up
To be continued.....

narrator
then daniel and judi stop at some abandoned garage
judi dench
I hope we are not hiding in that crate?
daniel craig
Of course not your car has a tracker on it that can make people find us which is what ben is actually using to set javier's trap............... U know what? Let's just skip to showing my aston martin db5
judi dench
Wait a minute! In casino royale the car was left handed why is it right handed in this movie?
daniel craig
Well that's because this is actually the aston martin from gold finger and thunderball complete with ejector seats and machine guns u knw? The whole package I bet all the bond nerds will eat this sh*t up
judi dench
So this car has been seating here for about 3 months without being oiled or worked on and its still in good condition anyway?
sam mendes
Why don't we play the bond theme perhaps that would stop the nerds from asking questions
narrator
back at MI6 ben is aiding a kidnapper with office computers and hoping no one catches on and oh rory is totally in on it too
rory kinnear
I should be totally sh*tting in my pants right now that my boss who was almost assassinated this afternoon has been kidnapped and I'm aiding that kidnapper
but no I'm just fine I'm even drinking a heinekein
ralph fiennes
What are you doing?
ben whishaw
Check it out rather using cctv cameras to track down javier, we are actually leading him to where daniel and judi went
ralph fiennes
and whose st*pid idea was that?
ben whishaw
Daniel
ralph fiennes
The same dude that caused my slinging arm you are letting him take judi somewhere totally unsafe without backup so........
rory kinnear
She can get killed and you would succeed her
ralph fiennes
Oh I see carry on
narrator
then daniel takes judi to an ancestral home which he has in this movie even though he never came from money in casino royale them think say we don forget
daniel craig
Hey guys look skyfall is the name of my ancestral home just incase anyone gives a flying f*ck
judi dench
They named this movie after a house? How does that work? And since when is james bond scottish?
sam mendes
Well I'm going to the franchise's root the novel
daniel craig
Oh really? So why am I not a racist and a chain smoker like I'm in the novel? And where the f*ck is my scottish accent?
albert finney
(Hops out of the shadows with a shotgun) where's my scottish accent?
daniel craig
And why is the obnoxious dude from harry potter in my house?
sam mendes
He's your games keeper, we wanted to get sean connery but he asked us to gaggle walrus balls so albert finney was the next best thing
daniel craig
So we haven't seen for more than ten years plus you never knew I survived and yet we are just saying hi like we just left each other five minutes ago what are you even doing in this dump? Are you amish or something?
albert finney
Of course not I'm actually selling your sh*t I'm almost done selling all your dad's guns I was about to start auctioning your mom's panties
daniel craig
Damn it just when we chose to need a gun looks like we will have to improvise and set kevin mcalister traps round the house so we can play straw dogs with these suckers
albert finney
I hardly know why you are fighting or who you are fighting or what you even do for a living but count me in
shotgun! Literary
daniel craig
(Shoots two beer cans) hi guys I can shoot again just in case anyone still gives a sh*t
narrator
next daniel and judi wait for hours?days?weeks?months? For javier's attack who knows?

daniel craig
I guess I should give you a gritty talk on how to kill like I did in quantum of solace but instead I'll go into benny hills territory and goof about my obituary(dog barks) alright this is it let's fight like we've never fought before
judi dench
f*ck! That's your plan? You know? I'm beginning to think hiding in that crate with your car in it would have been a good plan
daniel craig
That gives me an idea
bad guys
Yea we are the bad guys and we are totally raiding daniels home that's why we are walking through the front gate so that everyone including the dogs can see us thereby making our raid idea lose its element of surprise, but its cool anyway because apparently the era dumb henchmen is back
narrator
then daniel craig totally sneaks and hides in his car without them noticing even though they were totally facing the house the whole time then daniel opens fire on them
bad guy
holy sh*t that guys car just came to life like that horror movie maximum overdrive but instead of running we shall totally shoot at a car that is obviously bullet proof
narrator
daniel craig hops out of the car with a shot gun and starts killing dudes armed with assault rifles sam I bow for your law of physics
bad guys
Oh its okay there was a guy in the car the whole time Why didn't we even look in the car to be sure no one was in it?(Chops bullet)
albert finney
(Shoots two guys) welcome to scotland land of violent men who are always ready to kill without asking questions, racist joke, get it? (waddles away)
judi dench
(Murders some dude with a killer light bulb) yes! (Tries to shoot the other guy but gets shot by accident) damn it!
albert finney
(Shoots at two guys but misses) oh sh*t have to reload (bullets fall off his shaky hands)oh God I think I just sh*t myself
narrator
before albert gets shot to sh*t daniel charges in and murders the bad guys
daniel craig
Knock knock? whose there? its S-M-Gee I just sh*t my pants get it? Bond humour
judi dench
Jesus you kept me in the most unsafe room and gave me the smallest weapon and now you are sharing jokes with alfred? Are you deliberately trying to kill me?
daniel craig
(Guns down baddie) are you alright?
judi dench
Ship shape(nose grows long like pinnochio)
daniel craig
Okay javier isn't among the 20 dead men I killed all by myself using nothing but my antic car and my dad's 60 year old shot gun which hasn't fallen apart for reasons
May be he has been arrested maybe he was secretly injured and is bleeding out may be he is......... what the good f*ck? where the hell did javier get a military grade helicopter from?c'mon london is the most monitored city in the world how did he escape and how did he even track us didn't we confiscate his computers in macau?
sam mendes
Hey daniel,More dumb sh*t less talking
daniel craig
dumb sh*t like engaging a gunship in a shoot out? You got it(does exactly that)
narrator
javier in his helicopter blasting the beatles(official bond song since live and let die) returns fire and levels part of daniel's home then hops out of the chopper and starts to play 3 little pigs with daniel craig
javier bardem
Daniel open the door and let me in
daniel craig
Or what?
javier bardem
Or I'll huff and puff and throw several incendiary grenades into the house and hope it doesn't hit judi
narrator
then we are treated to 5 minutes of judi and albert waddling around the estate while javier and his minions stroll around the house like its an "open house inspection" and daniel craig playing rambo in the house with fire and smoke, I guess they noticed how bored the fans were so javier blows up daniels car for no reason
daniel craig
Did you just blow up my car? You just brought piss to a sh*t fight you lil
(Causes what looks like a nuclear explosion with two tanks of cooking gas and a stick of dynamite)I'm totally destroying the last memory I have of my parents but its okay because "I've always hated this place" and the reason why I left the priest hole door open is so I can make some dramatic "walk away from explosion kind of scene"
sensible bad guys
That guy just totally hiroshima-ed his house with cooking gas I'm so out of here (disappear)
dumb bad guys
What do we do boss?
javier bardem
Make sure daniel is dead while I follow the trail caused by the flash light that I know is from judi and not some secret tactics team luring me with light
dumb bad guys
Yes sir
javier bardem
Wow that worked! Just how much do I pay these guys?!
narrator
meanwhile daniel who is in the house isn't dead or even injured from the explosion even though it chased him through the tunnel
daniel craig
Phew! Its a good thing the raging fire decided to not give a f*ck about me when I crept into that tiny passage
(Hops out of the house and starts running like maniac then kills a guy by breaking his neck with a weird kick)oh looks like there are still bad guys out here I guess I should pick up this guys gun but nah!(steps on a frozen lake) seriously?! A few minutes ago there was a lake close to the house that was totally unfrozen anyway(begins jogging on open ground like that's a good idea, then he is stopped by javier)
javier bardem
okay this is getting exhausting
daniel craig
You mean all the fighting and shooting?
javier bardem
No I'm talking about how they are trying too hard to make me a super-villain so far they've used max zorin,heath ledgers joker and vector from despicable me on my character and yet all it does is just raise questions
daniel craig
Hmmm wow! the one time you have me in the open and no one is shooting
javier bardem
Yep hollywood rules shoot at the bullet proof robot/car but don't shoot the unarmed enemy when he is upclose
daniel craig
(Scrolls through hollywood cliche book) okay so I got the perfect cliche I shall grab your guys gun which will shoot round the ice floor causing us to crash into the lake just like in cliff hanger(does so)
javier bardem
if only I had an incendiary grenade to dump into the lake, well its cold and dark down there plus my man has a gun, daniel is as good as dead I guess
narrator
but luck is against javier as his man drops his gun for no reason,daniel doesn't mind the cold and there's lots of light under the water thanks to roger deakins crappy cinematography any way daniel knees the other dude in the head, snaps his neck using his thigh and totally grab the baddies flare gun which he just so happened to have, next javier bardem bursts into the chapel where judi and albert are hiding
javier bardem
hi mommy!
judi dench
Oh f*ck albert I told you not to use a flash light
albert finney
Sorry what was that
javier bardem
(Shoots a wall beside him) shut up alfred why don't you be a good boy and go wash batman's suit or go whip him up some hot cocoa? Get it? I'm the joker,albert is alfred,judi is the commisioner,daniel is batman, naomi harris is robin and the movie is called skyfall which is just another way to steal the title dark knight and act fancy about it
sam mendes
*rolling eyes* fine I'll thank chris nolan during the premier of this movie so I don't get my a*ss sued for copyright infringement
javier bardem
oh my God you've been shot oh my God oh my God(points gun at her face)
judi dench
Okay why are you looking like you want to take a huge fart on my face?
javier bardem
Because I can't hurt you, you are like a mother to me
judi dench
wow what a loon I can't believe I got shot over a p*ssy like you
javier bardem
Alright time for a fake climax shoot us both I've aligned our heads your finger is on the trigger now do it just pull it
audience
this is supposed to be a climax , I swear this movie has more fake climax than a p*rno movie judi why don't you take your head out of the way and pull the trigger? Or albert this will be the best time to set javiers clothes on fire or stab him with a stick, or judi can even sacrifice herself like she did other agents during her career
judi dench
Ahem! Hello?! Trying to create dilemna here
narrator
daniel shows up and tosses a hunting knife into javiers back
javier bardem
thank God I'm so happy I'm done with this sh*tty movie.......oh I mean ooooooooooooouch! I just took a knife to my back I don't really get why I'm dying since the knife wasn't long enough to reach my heart and if it hit my spinal cord then I won't be standing, anyway erk(dies)
daniel craig
Last rat standing............ you know we should totally get micheal mann to do our dialogue for the next movie. I totally sound like a character from the muppet show in this movie
judi dench
Oh everyone is dead time for a super cliched and convenient death
daniel craig
oh gosh! Judi you are hurt you need a doctor which I have a thing against
judi dench
*rolling eyes* great the one time I'm injured and I'm with a guy who hates hospitals
daniel craig
Who ever thought my senseless plan would end like this? Oh *sob* *sob* this might look gay but hey chicks dig this
judi dench
At least I got one thing right
albert finney
You mean by:
-losing the NOC list
-wrecking the whole of istanbul and leaving your dead agents littered about as evidence of their presence
-not withdrawing the affected agents on time
-reinstating a drunk agent and assigning him on one of the most critical missions
Or was it when.............
daniel craig[\b]
*scowls*
[b]judi dench
I was talking about not renewing my contract to extend after this sh*tty movie(dies)
albert finney
Yea my contract is only to this movie see ya later kid
daniel craig[\b]
Dammit!
[b]narrator
next we see daniel overseeing his city from the rooftop as the wind blows his jacket because it lookes cool when batman and dare devil and spiderman and superman did it
naomi harris
Hey you judi's will was read today (hands him a box
daniel craig
Its been one day and her will is already read?(Opens the box) did she just leave me the ugly dog statue from her office? No wonder her bodyguard wanted to assassinate her in the last movie imagine she bought him an ash tray cheap bastard
naomi harris
I guess its her way of giving you a giant f*ck you for ruining her life and ultimately getting her killed
narrator
they heard into the office
daniel craig
So with all of your qualifications you are a Goddamn secretary?! Wow! I guess abraham lincoln wasted his time
abraham lincoln
tell me about it
naomi harris
No I'm actually a character from the past
daniel craig
And why do you keep winking are you dislexic or something?
naomi harris
I'm moneypenny dammit I guess the era of misinforming people and encouraging sexual harrassment in offices is back
daniel craig[\b]
Since when is moneypenny a black lady? Oh God since you said you were assisting ralph. With the transition that makes him
[b]ralph fiennes
The new bernard lee baby
daniel craig
Oh God I've a feeling I'm going to hate the remaining movies I've left
ralph fiennes
So are you ready to get back to work(tosses him a list) pick up my dry cleaning,get my kid from school,go inspect my wife's lady figures and grab some chinese on your way back
daniel craig
is this some kind of joke?
ralph fiennes
What? You think I'm going to put you back on the field? The last time that happened we got breached, I got shot and judi got killed now that's a good joke
End

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