₦airaland Forum

When it comes to bullshit, big-time, major
league bullshit, you have to stand in awe
of the all-time champion of false promises
and exaggerated claims, religion. No
contest. No contest. Religion. Religion
easily has the greatest bullshit story ever
told. Think about it. Religion has actually
convinced people that there's an invisible
man living in the sky who watches
everything you do, every minute of every
day. And the invisible man has a special
list of ten things he does not want you to
do. And if you do any of these ten things,
he has a special place, full of fire and
smoke and burning and torture and
anguish, where he will send you to live
and suffer and burn and choke and
scream and cry forever and ever 'til the
end of time!

But He loves you. He loves you, and He
needs money! He always needs money!
He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-
knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can't
handle money! Religion takes in billions
of dollars, they pay no taxes, and they
always need a little more. Now, you talk
about a good bullshit story. Holy Shit!
But I want you to know something, this is
sincere, I want you to know, when it
comes to believing in God, I really tried. I
really, really tried. I tried to believe that
there is a God, who created each of us in
His own image and likeness, loves us very
much, and keeps a close eye on things. I
really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell
you, the longer you live, the more you
look around, the more you realize,
something is bleeped up.

Something is wrong here. War, disease,
death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty,
torture, crime, corruption, and the Ice
Capades. Something is definitely wrong.
This is not good work. If this is the best
God can do, I am not impressed. Results
like these do not belong on the résumé of
a Supreme Being. This is the kind of shit
you'd expect from an office temp with a
bad attitude. And just between you and
me, in any decently-run universe, this guy
would've been out on his all-powerful ass
a long time ago. And by the way, I say
"this guy", because I firmly believe,
looking at these results, that if there is a
God, it has to be a man.

No woman could or would ever Bleep
things up like this. So, if there is a God, I
think most reasonable people might agree
that he's at least incompetent, and maybe,
just maybe, doesn't give a shit. Doesn't
give a shit, which I admire in a person,
and which would explain a lot of these
bad results.

So rather than be just another mindless
religious robot, mindlessly and aimlessly
and blindly believing that all of this is in
the hands of some spooky incompetent
father figure who doesn't give a shit, I
decided to look around for something else
to worship. Something I could really
count on.

And immediately, I thought of the sun.
Happened like that. Overnight I became a
sun-worshipper. Well, not overnight, you
can't see the sun at night. But first thing
the next morning, I became a sun-
worshipper. Several reasons. First of all, I
can see the sun, okay? Unlike some other
gods I could mention, I can actually see
the sun. I'm big on that. If I can see
something, I don't know, it kind of helps
the credibility along, you know? So
everyday I can see the sun, as it gives me
everything I need; heat, light, food,
flowers in the park, reflections on the
lake, an occasional skin cancer, but hey.
At least there are no crucifixions, and
we're not setting people on fire simply
because they don't agree with us.
Sun worship is fairly simple. There's no
mystery, no miracles, no pageantry, no
one asks for money, there are no songs to
learn, and we don't have a special
building where we all gather once a week
to compare clothing. And the best thing
about the sun, it never tells me I'm
unworthy. Doesn't tell me I'm a bad
person who needs to be saved. Hasn't
said an unkind word. Treats me fine. So, I
worship the sun. But, I don't pray to the
sun. Know why? I wouldn't presume on
our friendship. It's not polite.

I've often thought people treat God rather
rudely, don't you? Asking trillions and
trillions of prayers every day. Asking and
pleading and begging for favors. Do this,
gimme that, I need a new car, I want a
better job. And most of this praying takes
place on Sunday His day off. It's not nice.
And it's no way to treat a friend.

But people do pray, and they pray for a lot
of different things, you know, your sister
needs an operation on her crotch, your
brother was arrested for defecating in a
mall. But most of all, you'd really like to
Bleep that hot little redhead down at the
convenience store. You know, the one
with the eyepatch and the clubfoot? Can
you pray for that? I think you'd have to.
And I say, fine. Pray for anything you
want. Pray for anything, but what about
the Divine Plan?


Remember that? The Divine Plan. Long
time ago, God made a Divine Plan. Gave it
a lot of thought, decided it was a good
plan, put it into practice. And for billions
and billions of years, the Divine Plan has
been doing just fine. Now, you come
along, and pray for something. Well
suppose the thing you want isn't in God's
Divine Plan? What do you want Him to
do? Change His plan? Just for you?
Doesn't it seem a little arrogant? It's a
Divine Plan. What's the use of being God
if every run-down shmuck with a two-
dollar prayerbook can come along and
Bleep up Your Plan?


And here's something else, another
problem you might have: Suppose your
prayers aren't answered. What do you
say? "Well, it's God's will." "Thy Will Be
Done." Fine, but if it's God's will, and
He's going to do what He wants to
anyway, why the Bleep bother praying in
the first place? Seems like a big waste of
time to me! Couldn't you just skip the
praying part and go right to His Will? It's
all very confusing.

So to get around a lot of this, I decided to
worship the sun. But, as I said, I don't
pray to the sun. You know who I pray to?
Joe Pesci. Two reasons: First of all, I think
he's a good actor, okay? To me, that
counts. Second, he looks like a guy who
can get things done. Joe Pesci doesn't Bleep
around. In fact, Joe Pesci came through on
a couple of things that God was having
trouble with.

For years I asked God to do something
about my noisy neighbor with the barking
dog, Joe Pesci straightened that
RoosterDrinker out with one visit. It's amazing
what you can accomplish with a simple
baseball bat.


So I've been praying to Joe for about a
year now. And I noticed something. I
noticed that all the prayers I used to offer
to God, and all the prayers I now offer to
Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the
same 50% rate. Half the time I get what I
want, half the time I don't. Same as God,
50-50. Same as the four-leaf clover and
the horseshoe, the wishing well and the
rabbit's foot, same as the Mojo Man, same
as the Voodoo Lady who tells you your
fortune by squeezing the goat's testicles,
it's all the same: 50-50. So just pick your
superstition, sit back, make a wish, and
enjoy yourself.


And for those of you who look to The
Bible for moral lessons and literary
qualities, I might suggest a couple of other
stories for you. You might want to look at
the Three Little Pigs, that's a good one.
Has a nice happy ending, I'm sure you'll
like that. Then there's Little Red Riding
Hood, although it does have that X-rated
part where the Big Bad Wolf actually eats
the grandmother. Which I didn't care for,
by the way. And finally, I've always
drawn a great deal of moral comfort from
Humpty Dumpty. The part I like the best?
"All the king's horses and all the king's
men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back
together again." That's because there is no
Humpty Dumpty, and there is no God.
None, not one, no God, never was.
In fact, I'm gonna put it this way. If there
is a God, may he strike this audience
dead! See? Nothing happened. Nothing
happened? Everybody's okay? All right,
tell you what, I'll raise the stakes a little
bit. If there is a God, may he strike me
dead. See? Nothing happened, oh, wait,
I've got a little cramp in my leg. And my
balls hurt. Plus, I'm blind. I'm blind, oh,
now I'm okay again, must have been Joe
Pesci, huh? God Bless Joe Pesci. Thank
you all very much. Joe Bless You!
(Copyright 1999 by George Carlin. Printed
without permission.)
http://www.objectivethought.com/
atheism/carlin.html

Talking about Christianity. Does not concern me.

McSterling:
... God Bless Joe Pesci.
Thank you all very much. Joe Bless You!
(Copyright 1999 by George Carlin. Printed without permission.)
http://www.objectivethought.com/atheism/carlin.html

After Joe's time is up, sort of when God decides to "take him out"

♪, ♫ ♪, ♫If there's something strange. In your neighborhood. ♫
Who you gonna call (Joe Pesci buster) (Ghostbusters!) ♫ ♪ ♫
If there's something weird. And it don't look good
Who you gonna call (Joe Pesci buster) (Ghostbusters!)
- Ghostbusters by Ray Parker Jr.

Abuamam:
Talking about Christianity. Does not concern me.

What concerns you, Islam?