₦airaland Forum

Biko who watches FATAL ATTRACTION on DSTV?

Na so one woman dey jolly jolly with a violent spouse. He would beat her up, push her down the stairs e.t.c . . . even in the presence of her friends and family.

Talk her down, make fun of her post-partum body, tell her how nobody wants her even her children's father bla bla bla . . .

Still the ewu woman kept him in her life. . .

Untill the foolish man lost it one day and put several bullets through her head . . . and the that of her 10 month old daughter.

Autopsy report revealed his sperm in her . . meaning they had 3ex shortly before he violently killed her and her innocent baby.

So for people who think spousal abuse is normal, una well-done. I will help you plan your burial in advance!!!

edwife:
Thank you sweetheart,no need to talk much.
I don't know why they always have this impression of stay at home mums as slaves .Gosh a woman can not decide to stay at home without someone thinking she has lost her mind.

Being a housewife is a full time job and no one has the right to look down on women who choose to do so.

I have always said it i was a super,cute and fulfill stay at home mum and if i have to do it again,i will.

How can a housewife be independent?

Referring to one of your posts

EfemenaXY:
It's annoying, I tell you.

I understand that it helps if the woman's working and earning (who in their right minds wouldn't want to be an earner?) but there comes a time when one needs to get their priorities right. It's easy for those based in Naija to look down on stay-at-home mums because child care (a.k.a child labour from underaged and underpaid househelps) comes two-a-penny.

They wouldn't be singing the same same song if they've got to fork out £200 a week per child. How much would these same women be earning if over here? When it doesn't make financial sense to work (i.e paying out more for childcare than what you earn), the best thing to do is to stay back and look after your kids till they're old enough to go to the free state nursery.

Finally, it's common knowledge that kids who've got at least one of their parents looking after them during the very early (and most important) years of their lives tend to be more adjusted, more content, more settled, more amiable, and much happier than those shipped off to nursery / childminders from 7:30 am - 6:30 a.m five days a week, 52 weeks a year.

Did you stay at home when your kids were younger?

damiso:
There is something called the Stockholm syndrome whereby the abused even when the opportunity arises to leave their abuser does not take it as that is the life they are used to.At this stage the abused's self esteem is so shattered that they actually believe they can't live without this person who is so horrible to them.

While I agree that every woman(to me sef every human adult) should not be TOTALLy financially dependent on another human being all this' stay at home mums'(Efemenaxy like you i hate that term houswife so working wives are outside wives abi )are more likely to be abused' I see on NL is just a rather simplistic one sided way to encourage women to have an income. An abusive partner is an abusive partner regardless of whether or not you earn money.Like Efe highlighted some women decide to stay home for a wide variety of reasons (like I did) and its annoying the way people talk down on SAHMs on NL. There are women who earn an income or are even the breadwinners and are in abusive relationships. Titi Arowolo(who everyone likes to refrence on NL) was even the breadwinner before her crazy husband stabbed her to death .

The sociopathic tendecies one should look out for(which have been highlighted on this thread) in a future partner seems more like a right step in the right direction in warning people to not even getting entangled in such relationships in the first place.

Lagos state now has a domestic violence legislation which I think needs to be adopted at a federal level . More NGOs and charities should offer more education and help to those in already volatile situations (which I know they are actually doing).Like I said the Nigeria I grew up in did not see a man beating his wife as a good thing, it might not have been seen as a crime like it is the west but it certainly was not something to be proud of.

Then again its such a complex issue because even in western climes where there is support (I even know someone who was relocated to an outside borough because she feared for her life)no ostracism for single mums, some sort of govt welfare which means she and her children won't starve etc ; you still find women (and men) staying in abusive relationships.I cant fathom it because I believe self preservation is an innate human reaction but again like I said it's very easy to judge or feel differently looking in from the outside.Even my mother had to exert energy to smack me as a child Not to talk of one man now turning me into punching bag as an adult.Haa that one me I can't stand, I have a very low pain threshold.

Another sad scary dimension for me these days is even young girls not even married being abused and even se.xually exploited by gangs and se.x trafficking rings and recruited by 'boyfriends' they feel they 'love'.

It tells me we have ALOT of work to do in raising the next generation have a healthy dose of self esteem and know what constitutes a healthy relationship.

Efemenaxy how are you and family? Hope you have made up your mind now on lil princess?

@bold:

If a woman is an housewife, she is totally dependent on her husband not so?

It somehow contradicts every adult should earn an income

True @ the Stockholm syndrome

And the ladies who endure abuse from boyfriends are only practicing what they saw with their parents especially when they are not separated.

Shollypopzz:
At times, I wonder if these people realize how much of a low-life they appear.

Let's assume these made-up stories are true, what does that have to do with domestic violence?

What irritates me the most are women that laugh and joke with these butt-hurt nonentities.

I mean the "slut-shaming" is just pitiful. How can a thread about marital advice get people so worked up and jealous?? Is her supposed past suppose to make anyone dislike her or make her arguments void?

@bold:

I have heard so many reference to that thread in other threads

She must be doing a lot of good work in the thread.

Luckily, people are getting solution to their issues... that's all that matters.

bukatyne:
@bold:

If a woman is an housewife, she is totally dependent on her husband not so?

It somehow contradicts every adult should earn an income

True @ the Stockholm syndrome

And the ladies who endure abuse from boyfriends are only practicing what they saw with their parents especially when they are not separated.

Some women have shops in front of their houses or close to it, this business generates income for them, so they don't totally depend on their husbands.

Unless the term house wife refers to women who sit inside the house all day(i don't know how anyone can pull this off for years)

I grew up to my mum coming to pick us from school and then take us to her shop, where we often stayed till it was time for us to go home, she was called a housewife then.

bukatyne:
Did you stay at home when your kids were younger?

I know you asked efe
Actually I did a few years.it is very very tough
I don't know how people do it
You are home for hours taking care if children and having no adult conversation whatsoever exhausted to the max
The man returns home,you want to chit chat and that is the last thing on his mind
That is one huge disadvantage
The other IMHO is that he who pays the piper dictates the tune
When a man has to hand the wife money for the home,he basically decides how much to give and when
Imagine after an argument ,who will have the face to go and ask for money?
The man Nwa may even do small Inyanga before giving it
It is a self esteem killer IMHO
I don't like to beg

bukatyne:
@bold:

I have heard so many reference to that thread in other threads

She must be doing a lot of good work in the thread.

Luckily, people are getting solution to their issues... that's all that matters.

There is no better testament to a job well done than to see the people in pain over it

bukatyne:
@bold:

If a woman is an housewife, she is totally dependent on her husband not so?

It somehow contradicts every adult should earn an income

True @ the Stockholm syndrome

And the ladies who endure abuse from boyfriends are only practicing what they saw with their parents especially when they are not separated.

Bukatyne lets not turn the thread into housewife debate thread Some people actually plan far ahead before they had kids that they will not work when their kids are very little(not common in Nigeria I will admit).
Does it make sense for a person to earn £2,000 a month and pay £2,400 on childcare if they have 3 kids under 5?


Being a Stay at home mum in the sense that I am not talking about sef is not really a Nigerian thing per se.Not earning money= no value in Nigerian context so Let's just leave it at that.

I stayed home for 2 years when I had my son and yes my hubby took care of most the big ticket bills but I was NEVER totally dependent on him financially.

damiso:
Bukatyne lets not turn the thread into housewife debate thread Some people actually plan far ahead before they had kids that they will not work when their kids are very little(not common in Nigeria I will admit).
Does it make sense for a person to earn £2,000 a month and pay £2,400 on childcare if they have 3 kids under 5?


Being a Stay at home mum in the sense that I am not talking about sef is not really a Nigerian thing per se.Not earning money= no value in Nigerian context so Let's just leave it at that.

I stayed home for 2 years when I had my son and yes my hubby took care of most the big ticket bills but I was NEVER totally dependent on him financially.

Being a total housewife is not too far from the subject
We are talking about spousal abuse and the reason why many women even those who would like to ,don't leave and not having an earning power is one of the top tool abusers use well.
It's all interwoven
Having financial control is a big weapon in the hands of an abuser because he knows that he can cripple the woman by shutting off the finances from her and even taking the keys to the car he provided her and the phone he nought her till she begs and bows to his demands.


I don't know if you've been in any of those threads with battered women wanting the leave
Their number one handicap is not having a job

freecocoa:
Some women have shops in front of their houses or close to it, this business generates income for them, so they don't totally depend on their husbands.

Unless the term house wife refers to women who sit inside the house all day(i don't know how anyone can pull this off for years)

I grew up to my mum coming to pick us from school and then take us to her shop, where we often stayed till it was time for us to go home, she was called a housewife then.

I know some people in error call everyone who is not knotting a tie to work housewife

As per shop, it depends on the type of shop; some generate N5,000 monthly; some generate N100,000 monthly.

damiso: Being a Stay at home mum in the sense that I am not talking about sef is not really a Nigerian thing per se.Not earning money= no value in Nigerian context so Let's just leave it at that.

I stayed home for 2 years when I had my son and yes my hubby took care of most the big ticket bills but I was NEVER totally dependent on him financially.

i can guarantee you that is the best marital decision any mother can make. the whole argument that stay at home moms are prone to abuse is a retardēd & redundant argument.

no woman is immune to abuse - whether she's earning minimum wage or a member of aristocracy is irrelevant. the key is making the right choice of a marital partner from the outset.

women who earn more than their partners are even the ones more prone to domestic abuse according to some various studies. high income or education works as protection against acts of violence only as far as the income and education does not highly exceed that of the partner

damiso:
Bukatyne lets not turn the thread into housewife debate thread Some people actually plan far ahead before they had kids that they will not work when their kids are very little(not common in Nigeria I will admit).
Does it make sense for a person to earn £2,000 a month and pay £2,400 on childcare if they have 3 kids under 5?


Being a Stay at home mum in the sense that I am not talking about sef is not really a Nigerian thing per se.Not earning money= no value in Nigerian context so Let's just leave it at that.

I stayed home for 2 years when I had my son and yes my hubby took care of most the big ticket bills but I was NEVER totally dependent on him financially.

Not turning the thread into a debate.... Being off for some days and just catching up

The plan stuff is alien here true.... It is just work, marriage, kids some is school, marriage, work. Actually, it sounds real nice (could adopt it, need to go back for my Masters later ([size=4pt]want to be a lecturer[/size] ) and it should be full time)

Just raising this stuff when I see SAHM's can be independent; it sounds contradictory. You were probably doing something on the side so how can you be a SAHM?

And no, as far as the woman is doing something, she is not SAHM (Linda Ikeji before the Google saga used to blog on her bed and I am sure nobody would call her stay at home lady (as she never marwi).

bukatyne:
I know some people in error call everyone who is not knotting a tie to work housewife

As per shop, it depends on the type of shop; some generate N5,000 monthly; some generate N100,000 monthly.

Yea, I guess those women with shops can't be called housewives then, still, I'd like to think that no matter how little the shop brings, she can't be said to be totally dependent on her husband.

J

babyosisi:
Being a total housewife is not too far from the subject
We are talking about spousal abuse and the reason why many women even those who would like to ,don't leave and not having an earning power is one of the top tool abusers use well.
It's all interwoven
Having financial control is a big weapon in the hands of an abuser because he knows that he can cripple the woman by shutting off the finances from her and even taking the keys to the car he provided her and the phone he nought her till she begs and bows to his demands.


I don't know if you've been in any of those threads with battered women wanting the leave
Their number one handicap is not having a job

In Nigeria or most less developed countries finance is an issue in a lot of things and of course will come to bear in Domestic violence cases. And yes you are right that finance will be a weapon of control BUT my point is this crazy abusive person that uses finance a means of control will use everything as a weapon of control. The problem is the person and so that is why I had earlier said emphasis should be placed on looking out for those control freak tendencies at the courting stage.

I don't however think the fear of domestic violence warrants the disdain or contempt poured on stay at home mums on NL.

Before you have one topic on DV, the next thing is to start the scaremongering on why women should not stay home to look after their kids.Women choose to stay home for a variety of reasons and like I said earlier sometimes some women choose and want to do it and sometimes have planned for it far in advance(again not really a Nigerian scenario)

Just today I have a colleague who just resumed after a 2 and a half year career break.She wanted to stay home till her son was able to talk and luckily she works in a sector or rather organisation that is very family friendly.Again I know this is not something readily available to all women especially not in the Nigerian labour market.

freecocoa:
Yea, I guess those women with shops can't be called housewives then, still, I'd like to think that no matter how little the shop brings, she can't be said to be totally dependent on her husband.

With N5,000k monthly?

You are kidding

I had wanted to say this too.
U r right coogar.
From what I have read so far, those at more risks of spousal abuse are working class mothers.
Why it's so,i don't know.


Presently, im a stay at home mom. After nursing my baby last two yrs,i started work last year and put him in creche.
He almost died. Was allergic to whatever there and I was torn btw taking him to hospital every now and then and working.

I had to sacrifice my job to look after him
Also,as preggy makes mess of me,i concluded to stay and endure all for the meantime.
Wasn't easy for somebody like me who started making money right from school days.
But one has to adjust

Presently,i have a biz I control(dont hv to be there) so I will hv time for the homefront.

Also hubby has been as supportive as ever.

I still make my money. He still performs his duty 100%.
Have never has cause to beg him for money
The key ingredient is marrying one who rhymes with u.

damiso:
J

In Nigeria or most less developed countries finance is an issue in a lot of things and of course will come to bear in Domestic violence cases. And yes you are right that finance will be a weapon of control BUT my point is this crazy abusive person that uses finance a means of control will use everything as a weapon of control. The problem is the person and so that is why I had earlier said emphasis should be placed on looking out for those control freak tendencies at the courting stage.

I don't however think the fear of domestic violence warrants the disdain or contempt poured on stay at home mums on NL.

Before you have one topic on DV, the next thing is to start the scaremongering on why women should not stay home to look after their kids.Women choose to stay home for a variety of reasons and like I said earlier sometimes some women choose and want to do it and sometimes have planned for it far in advance(again not really a Nigerian scenario)

Just today I have a colleague who just resumed after a 2 and a half year career break.She wanted to stay home till her son was able to talk and luckily she works in a sector or rather organisation that is very family friendly.Again I know this is not something readily available to all women especially not in the Nigerian labour market.

Secondedm

moca:
I had wanted to say this too.
U r right coogar.
From what I have read so far, those at more risks of spousal abuse are working class mothers.
Why it's so,i don't know.


Presently, im a stay at home mom. After nursing my baby last two yrs,i started work last year and put him in creche.
He almost died. Was allergic to whatever there and I was torn btw taking him to hospital every now and then and working.

I had to sacrifice my job to look after him
Also,as preggy makes mess of me,i concluded to stay and endure all for the meantime.
Wasn't easy for somebody like me who started making money right from school days.
But one has to adjust

Presently,i have a biz I control(dont hv to be there) so I will hv time for the homefront.

Also hubby has been as supportive as ever.

I still make my money. He still performs his duty 100%.
Have never has cause to beg him for money
The key ingredient is marrying one who rhymes with u.

We are all still going back to the same point

None of the SAHM's so far have said they depend solely on their husbands; they are working from home while having more time for their family

Point is that they are still working or doing something; whether in or out of the home.

And please, not everyone who doesn't do a 9 - 5 job is a stay at home mother/father (Abi we have a lot of men who work from home)

@bold:

Should we say women should not work anymore

(Remember this includes anything that earns an income)

bukatyne:
Not turning the thread into a debate.... Being off for some days and just catching up

The plan stuff is alien here true.... It is just work, marriage, kids some is school, marriage, work. Actually, it sounds real nice (could adopt it, need to go back for my Masters later ([size=4pt]want to be a lecturer[/size] ) and it should be full time)

Just raising this stuff when I see SAHM's can be independent; it sounds contradictory. You were probably doing something on the side so how can you be a SAHM?

And no, as far as the woman is doing something, she is not SAHM (Linda Ikeji before the Google saga used to blog on her bed and I am sure nobody would call her stay at home lady (as she never marwi).

Yeah I was studying and doing buying and selling on the side.Aside from that I had savings as well. Thats me though I can be very restless .

Some women do not do anything on the side and totally depend on the mans income and that's because they both must have decided that the income is the FAMILY income and just because she is not actually earning money does not mean she is not contributing to the family.This kind does not need to be asking for money for pad, money for soup because she actually has all the cards and credit cards.

Cant work for all people or all relationships(maybe not even me sef cos I like buy buy and I would feel bad if I buy another designer bag ) it however does not mean she is more open to abuse.

moca: I had wanted to say this too.
U r right coogar.
From what I have read so far, those at more risks of spousal abuse are working class mothers.
Why it's so,i don't know.

it's not hard to see....
if she makes a higher income, every reaction of hers can easily be misconstrued as arrogance or rudeness.

damiso:
Yeah I was studying and doing buying and selling on the side.Aside from that I had savings as well. Thats me though I can be very restless .

Some women do not do anything on the side and totally depend on the mans income and that's because they both must have decided that the income is the FAMILY income and just because she is not actually earning money does not mean she is not contributing to the family.This kind does not need to be asking for money for pad, money for soup because she actually has all the cards and credit cards.

Cant work for all people or all relationships(maybe not even me sef cos I like buy buy and I would feel bad if I buy another designer bag ) it however does not mean she is more open to abuse.

Sorry I am dragging this thing for long

How can you work and school at the same time? (I am thinking it is full time schooling here). Even if you are doing part time, there is no way you would have a successful business while working.

Then students are stay at home kids, full time pastors are stay at home fathers/mothers etc. I think there is a clear line between who is a SAHP and who is not. I get the campaign against demonizing them but please let us distinguish before Seun Osewa starts telling us he is a stay at home person

@ bold: True however, it must be a joint decision

bukatyne:
With N5,000k monthly?

You are kidding

I'm serious na.

Atleast she can buy sanitary towels and undies without waiting for oga to drop money, if she wants to have a coca-cola and buns, she can buy it for herself.

freecocoa:
I'm serious na.

Atleast she can buy sanitary towels and undies without waiting for oga to drop money, if she wants to have a coca-cola and buns, she can buy it for herself.

Lols

coogar:
it's not hard to see....
if she makes a higher income, every reaction of hers can easily be misconstrued as arrogance or rudeness.

Thank u.
I'm very familiar with cases like this in SHELL bp.

A family whatever sub dept has to be created specifically for settling cases.
Most times,the ladies for the sake of peace are told to stop work or look for another job elsewhere.

And yep, being financially independent brings out our true nature.

bukatyne:
How can a housewife be independent?

Referring to one of your posts

Believe u me,there are stay at home mum's that are very comfortable.
It all depends on ur spouse,u, tthe family financial capability etc.
Some control their hubby's atm card yet they are not doing anything except taking care of the home front.

Whatever works for anyone,i can't judge.

moca:
Believe u me,there are stay at home mum's that are very comfortable.
It all depends on ur spouse,u, tthe family financial capability etc.
Some control their hubby's atm card yet they are not doing anything except taking care of the home front.

Whatever works for anyone,i can't judge.

Very True at comfort and control of atm.

coogar:
i can guarantee you that is the best marital decision any mother can make. the whole argument that stay at home moms are prone to abuse is a retardēd & redundant argument.

no woman is immune to abuse - whether she's earning minimum wage or a member of aristocracy is irrelevant. the key is making the right choice of a marital partner from the outset.

women who earn more than their partners are even the ones more prone to domestic abuse according to some various studies. high income or education works as protection against acts of violence only as far as the income and education does not highly exceed that of the partner

Guy you get time and patience - "R&R" argument is exactly right. Regardless of the "asides" on here, the real point is to have and enjoy cogent discourse. Saying being a SAHM gives rise to DV is an exact parallel of saying skimpy dressing leads to rhape.

Tribalsim, religious hypocrisy, demagogic behaviour historical revisionism, posturing and even attention whoring, can all be overlooked to a degree - it's the obvious lack of smarts and ability to put together a coherent position that really bugs me - and they do it so forcefully too .


TV

damiso:
J

In Nigeria or most less developed countries finance is an issue in a lot of things and of course will come to bear in Domestic violence cases. And yes you are right that finance will be a weapon of control BUT my point is this crazy abusive person that uses finance a means of control will use everything as a weapon of control. The problem is the person and so that is why I had earlier said emphasis should be placed on looking out for those control freak tendencies at the courting stage.

I don't however think the fear of domestic violence warrants the disdain or contempt poured on stay at home mums on NL.

Before you have one topic on DV, the next thing is to start the scaremongering on why women should not stay home to look after their kids.Women choose to stay home for a variety of reasons and like I said earlier sometimes some women choose and want to do it and sometimes have planned for it far in advance(again not really a Nigerian scenario)

Just today I have a colleague who just resumed after a 2 and a half year career break.She wanted to stay home till her son was able to talk and luckily she works in a sector or rather organisation that is very family friendly.Again I know this is not something readily available to all women especially not in the Nigerian labour market.

That is the key
Couldn't say it louder
Getting to know the man before marrying him can save the women a lot of headaches
Sadly many don't even pay attention or erroneously think they can change the person
A man that shows controlling tendencies at courtship will be twice as bad in marriage or more