₦airaland Forum

babyosisi:
Imagine what it will be like when the 3rd and 4th wives arrive
Oh yes they will
Do you think the first wife was eagerly expecting you on her own wedding day?
I am sorry for the loss of your pregnancy but The you haven't yet had a baby is a mixed blessing,get out now rather than as a single mother
You are just 23
You won't stay 23 a long time
This is your prime,don't blow it

Her real problem is that she is indisicive and cant stand for the consequences of her decision if taken. She will likely go back if the man plays on her naivety (which he seems good at) or if people talk. As she grows older, she has seen that there's more to life than just comfort but she is still naive as displayed by her subsequent posts. Imagine the man saying friends can't visit cos she is as good as unclad but not to the extent of their irk marrying her or him not having his personal things at hers meaning she knows next to nothing about him or the other obvious issues when looked from the surface beneath. Na so she go dey from 23 to fovever? Op,they say you signed for it but i cut you some slack cos of your age though you are not all BLAMELESS. You deserve another chance. Muslims are indoctrinated to accept this but you were not, thus your christainity should count.

mutter:
Gosh this forum is not Real life okay.
You have absolutely no idea of my religion. Besides you are just condemning the man because he is a moslem. While true christianity means extending to everyone the same love and regard. I think that is what Jesus tried to tell us in the parable of the good samaritan.

Really?

And you have a need to quote me and comment on an advise I gave someone else
Why don't you take your own suggestion

Floodgater:
Her real problem is that she is indisicive and cant stand for the consequences of her decision if taken. She will likely go back if the man plays on her naivety (which he seems good at) or if people talk. As she grows older, she has seen that there's more to life than just comfort but she is still naive as displayed by her subsequent posts. Imagine the man saying friends can't visit cos she is as good as unclad but not to the extent of their irk marrying her or him not having his personal things at hers meaning she knows next to nothing about him or the other obvious issues when looked from the surface beneath. Na so she go dey from 23 to fovever? Op,they say you signed for it but i cut you some slack cos of your age though you are not all BLAMELESS. You deserve another chance. Muslims are indoctrinated to accept this but you were not, thus your christainity should count.

I have a lot of empathy for her
From her story the primary thing she found in this man was financial comfort to finish her education and emotional support
He took advantage of her in that way
She even told us she married him as a sort of pay back for his kindness
That is not a reason to marry someone.

She said this

I was broke, confused and frustrated with no money. I called my in law to apologize he wouldn't pick up, send sms in fact I did everything I could to make him forgive me but it seems its heart was made up then, I was left with no choice but to move on then I just finished the semester for 300 level going to 400 level with no savings in my account and my heart was full of anger and hatred.

Above is the reason why I couldn't care less, then i was totally broke with no love from anyone expect this guy, in fact to me he was God sent then because really he saved me from a lot of sufferings.

He helped me move on with no stress, again I was comfortable and I don't need my sister's money for anything but he told me that he wanted to get married to me which I accepted because I cant afford to loose him.

In that situation even abubakir shekau will be sexy if he had what she wanted
We all did stupid things at 21,I did
This was hers and at 23 she is realizing it was a terrible mistake
She can get out now

babyosisi:
I have a lot of empathy for her
From her story the primary thing she found in this man was financial comfort to finish her education and emotional support
He took advantage of her in that way
She even told us she married him as a sort of pay back for his kindness
That is not a reason to marry someone.
She said this
In that situation even abubakir shekau will be sexy if he had what she wanted
We all did stupid things at 21,I did
This was hers and at 23 she is realizing it was a terrible mistake
She can get out now

I am so with you on this, but i want her to be sure of this herself so that she can face the future without fear or regret else she will be like one of those abused wives that always find a reason to go back to their abuser until a huge damage is done. I say this because of her subsequent posts, at some point she was confusing the man's insecurities (which stermed from the fact that she is naive and easily manipulated therefore can be manipulated with the truth as he did with lies) for some sort of his inability to loose her/love and or that she is hot. I hope she gathers the will to speak with you though.

babyosisi:
I have a lot of empathy for her
From her story the primary thing she found in this man was financial comfort to finish her education and emotional support
He took advantage of her in that way
She even told us she married him as a sort of pay back for his kindness
That is not a reason to marry someone.

She said this


In that situation even abubakir shekau will be sexy if he had what she wanted
We all did stupid things at 21,I did
This was hers and at 23 she is realizing it was a terrible mistake
She can get out now

...bless you . Moreso, no kid's involved yet, she can start afresh.

babyosisi:
I have a lot of empathy for her
From her story the primary thing she found in this man was financial comfort to finish her education and emotional support
He took advantage of her in that way
She even told us she married him as a sort of pay back for his kindness
That is not a reason to marry someone.

She said this


In that situation even abubakir shekau will be sexy if he had what she wanted
We all did stupid things at 21,I did
This was hers and at 23 she is realizing it was a terrible mistake
She can get out now

.

babymama, you are so on point,l hope she is able to sieve from all the counsels suggested here, meanwhile the bolded got me laughing so hard.....

onegig:
The world would be a better place and people would lead more prosperous and peaceful lives if they would learn to shield and block their ears from what people say or how people percieve them.

All I see here is someone who wants a change of state not because of hardship but because of what people think of her.

Sherina... Go on and leave the marriage.

And after that I hope you would not get into another marriage with maybe a murderer or armed robber just because "you don't like the way people look at you when you say you are single and divorced".

When would you do one single thing for your own personal happiness instead of what the inconsequential people on the outside you give control over your life think?

Wow you earned my respect for this and indeed all your posts here.
All what you said is so true!!!

babyosisi:
I have a lot of empathy for her
From her story the primary thing she found in this man was financial comfort to finish her education and emotional support
He took advantage of her in that way
She even told us she married him as a sort of pay back for his kindness
That is not a reason to marry someone.

She said this


In that situation even abubakir shekau will be sexy if he had what she wanted
We all did stupid things at 21,I did
This was hers and at 23 she is realizing it was a terrible mistake
She can get out now

Spot on!

babyosisi:
Really?

And you have a need to quote me and comment on an advise I gave someone else
Why don't you take your own suggestion

Hehehe. What i dnt get is why she even quoted you. is she trying to influence peoples' opinion here or what? so you dnt have a right to your own opinion?

sherina10:
I can't deal with the emotion and the stigma. That awful look they give me when they discover i'm a second wife at my age breaks my heart.

. my dear I understand u perfectly and I knw hw it feels to be' No2' and not d no1 u desire.

modebabe:
. my dear I understand u perfectly and I knw hw it feels to be' No2' and not d no1 u desire.

Are you also a second wife?
I always wanted to get into the mind of these second and third wives to see what motivates a woman to bring herself into an existing marriage

babyosisi:
Are you also a second wife?
I always wanted to get into the mind of these second and third wives to see what motivates a woman to bring herself into an existing marriage

well my elder sis use to be.......befor she left there wit her daughter.

Ha this thread has resurrected

Babyosisi I saw ur advice it was one of a kind but I couldn't mail u because d worst had already happened then.

I was pregnant n I didn't even realise maybe God wanted to punish me for being selfish though I will soon put to birth as I'm almost due, I still had ur mail in my diary n what I wanted to mail u then, my husband also saw the thread n became very unhappy.

I really appreciate your advice and your understanding, thank you very much.

By the grace of God what I'm planning to do after I put to birth is get another marketable degree which will take maybe 5 years or so outside the country and hubby has agreed to sponsor me, after that I might get a job n become independent then maybe have my life back but I don't want to be dependent of any man ever again. @ babyosisi what do you think?

sherina10:
Ha this thread has resurrected

Babyosisi I saw ur advice it was one of a kind but I couldn't mail u because d worst had already happened then.

I was pregnant n I didn't even realise maybe God wanted to punish me for being selfish though I will soon put to birth as I'm almost due, I still had ur mail in my diary n what I wanted to mail u then, my husband also saw the thread n became very unhappy.

I really appreciate your advice and your understanding, thank you very much.

By the grace of God what I'm planning to do after I put to birth is get another marketable degree which will take maybe 5 years or so outside the country and hubby has agreed to sponsor me, after that I might get a job n become independent then maybe have my life back but I don't want to be dependent of any man ever again. @ babyosisi what do you think?

So you have settled and become well adjusted into the polygamy sumtin?

babyosisi:
So you have settled and become well adjusted into the polygamy sumtin?

1. she got herself into it
2. she's pregnant now
3 husband is ready to give her her freedom and independence
4. she's got a husband, kid and job(In future)
5. no complaints... obviously she has no troubles with husby and first wife
.she should move on with her polygamy something while building her future and also try to make peace. she should try to persuade husby to get her an apartment outside the compound she lives with first wife and maintain her 2nd wife status.

life continues

sherina10:
Hello
I'm 23 years old, a graduate and currently serving.

I met a guy sometimes in 2012 and we got into into a relationship along the line he told me he was married but had issue with his wife and they are separated but he didn't tell me what d issue was.

I couldn't care less then because I had issue with my elders sister's husband whom I was staying with and he sent me packing. They were the one sponsoring my education. I was broke, confused and frustrated with no money. I called my in law to apologize he wouldn't pick up, send sms in fact I did everything I could to make him forgive me but it seems its heart was made up then, I was left with no choice but to move on then I just finished the semester for 300 level going to 400 level with no savings in my account and my heart was full of anger and hatred.

Above is the reason why I couldn't care less, then i was totally broke with no love from anyone expect this guy, in fact to me he was God sent then because really he saved me from a lot of sufferings.

He helped me move on with no stress, again I was comfortable and I don't need my sister's money for anything but he told me that he wanted to get married to me which I accepted because I cant afford to loose him.

Along the line he reconciled with his wife and he told me that he had reconciled with his wife and he told her about me and his intention to marry me and she accepted.
Note: they are muslim n i'm a Christian
When he told me about this I wasn't comfortable with it because I wasn't interested in polygamy in fact at the beginning I lost interest in everything when he told me he was married but I couldn't let go because of the comfort. He is not very rich but he is comfortable.

We kept on seeing each other, he is very okay in person, very religious, very caring, he had it all and I love him very much.
All he wanted was marriage, I got to know his wife who happen to be very nice too and sometimes I wonder why a woman will become that nice to her husband's
Everything was going fine and I got deep into promise of I will marry him too to the point of no return again I was left with no choice than to get married to him.

FAST FORWARD..........
We are currently married(polygamy)
Separate apartment (the two houses are close by) no transport needed.
24hours with each wife
No fighting
Provide's everything equally
JEALOUS? Deal with it whatever way you can but you have no right to confront your mate over anything because she isn't married to you.

The marriage is going on fine if you can deal with the above.

My GRIEVIANCE
1. I just find out that he married me (if not me then another) for child bearing
His wife had health issues and he wants a particular number of children.
How did I know this? He told me himself. When I stressed on it he told me that if he married me for child rearing how come we are still together because i lost a pregnancy
not long after we got married.

2. He doesn't keep any of his personal belongings in the apartment the both of us is sharing. But he brings some office document and somethings when he needs them and take it back when he is done

3. He doesn't receive visitors in our apartment. Reasons: I don't cover my head and his friends isn't comfortable looking at me because it's as if i'm naked to them.

4. Sometimes I feel ashamed of being a second wife, I cant tell my friends, sometimes when we discuss marital issue they always complain about money but I don't while they are I like I wish i'm comfortable like u, In my mind I will be like I wish I can get a husband to myself like u . Pathetic? Yes.

All in all the marriage has not been bad but my senses just can't accept it that i'm a 2nd fiddle, maybe because of the way I was raised or because it is a taboo to my Christian faith.

I want a divorce because he has bridged his marriage contract, he told me initially that wife is wife in islam, there is no difference between 1st, 2nd to infinto wives but I cant cope with the above because I feel he lied to me.
I can't be in a marriage because of children.

CRITICISM is allowed but please advise while you do so or after you have done that.

It is worthy to NOTE that we never committed fornication/adultery before the marriage because he said its against its religion.
If you want any kpekus (whether extra, supplementary or whatever) then get married first, lol.

Hmmm I understand where you are coming from because he lied initially. But I would choose to be a second wife with a good,loving,caring,religious husband like yours than an only wife with irresponsible husband.
You admitted everything is going on perfectly the reservations you are have are merely the devil reminding you how things would be if you are an only wife which is not perfect either. Even your friend's wish they were you.

Please try and be happy and not be ashamed. Polygamy has been around for many years and would still continue to be.you should be happy not be worried about what people will say.

He is keeping friends away because they are not meant to see you in that state because even the 1st wife will cover up to receive visitors.

Please just pray for your family and continue to live in peace and i pray God lead you to the right path as well.

sherina10:
Ha this thread has resurrected

Babyosisi I saw ur advice it was one of a kind but I couldn't mail u because d worst had already happened then.

I was pregnant n I didn't even realise maybe God wanted to punish me for being selfish though I will soon put to birth as I'm almost due, I still had ur mail in my diary n what I wanted to mail u then, my husband also saw the thread n became very unhappy.

I really appreciate your advice and your understanding, thank you very much.

By the grace of God what I'm planning to do after I put to birth is get another marketable degree which will take maybe 5 years or so outside the country and hubby has agreed to sponsor me, after that I might get a job n become independent then maybe have my life back but I don't want to be dependent of any man ever again. @ babyosisi what do you think?

So you don't have your life now?

sherina10:
Ha this thread has resurrected

Babyosisi I saw ur advice it was one of a kind but I couldn't mail u because d worst had already happened then.

I was pregnant n I didn't even realise maybe God wanted to punish me for being selfish though I will soon put to birth as I'm almost due, I still had ur mail in my diary n what I wanted to mail u then, my husband also saw the thread n became very unhappy.

I really appreciate your advice and your understanding, thank you very much.

By the grace of God what I'm planning to do after I put to birth is get another marketable degree which will take maybe 5 years or so outside the country and hubby has agreed to sponsor me, after that I might get a job n become independent then maybe have my life back but I don't want to be dependent of any man ever again. @ babyosisi what do you think?

so u plan to leave him after u might av become independent after all he's done for u?.....

eitsei:
so u plan to leave him after u might av become independent after all he's done for u?.....

Yes he has done so much for me but what he wanted is children thank God I'm having one very soon so I won't be all selfish though he said he loves me n wish he met me earlier, as far as am concerned he has done no wrong to me but I just think I'm not suppose to be his wife, we don't belong to the same world so I'm going for a second degree n make myself independent. If I become independent i can at least have a voice.

thorpido:
So you don't have your life now?

I have my life but I feel I don't belong to the same world with my husband n im not suppose to be his wife.

quivah:
1. she got herself into it
2. she's pregnant now
3 husband is ready to give her her freedom and independence
4. she's got a husband, kid and job(In future)
5. no complaints... obviously she has no troubles with husby and first wife
.she should move on with her polygamy something while building her future and also try to make peace. she should try to persuade husby to get her an apartment outside the compound she lives with first wife and maintain her 2nd wife status.

life continues

We don't stay in the same compound but same neighbourhood, d last time I saw his wife was last year Sallah day n hubby rarely discuss anything about her with me.

sherina10:
I have my life but I feel I don't belong to the same world with my husband n im not suppose to be his wife.

You've been advised severally on the need to quit and get a new life but for reasons that you can't even rationalise,you have stayed put.
You have laid your bed and you have to lie on it.Many years to come,you will wish it had been different.You will probably be one of 3 or 4 wives.

sherina10:
Yes he has done so much for me but what he wanted is children thank God I'm having one very soon so I won't be all selfish though he said he loves me n wish he met me earlier, as far as am concerned he has done no wrong to me but I just think I'm not suppose to be his wife, we don't belong to the same world so I'm going for a second degree n make myself independent. If I become independent i can at least have a voice.

i hope u won't regret taking dat decision later

babyosisi:
So you have settled and become well adjusted into the polygamy sumtin?

I'm leaving my life just as before but with less complain afterall I got myself into it.
l got to understand life better but the deed has been done with baby on the way.

Hubby try to support me the best way he can even though I spell it out rightly to him that he is my mistake, he doesn't make a scene out of it apart from saying sorry about it.

well I'm in a polygamous marriage fact but still very shy to talk about it among my peers n about adjusting I have no chioce than to move on.

sherina10:
I'm leaving my life just as before but with less complain afterall I got myself into it.
l got to understand life better but the deed has been done with baby on the way.

Hubby try to support me the best way he can even though I spell it out rightly to him that he is my mistake, he doesn't make a scene out of it apart from saying sorry about it.

well I'm in a polygamous marriage fact but still very shy to talk about it among my peers n about adjusting I have no chioce than to move on.

Your answer doesn't sound right.
You don't stay in a situation just because you got yourself into it
The situation should feel right to you,it doesn't sound like you really know what you want
You have a long way ahead of you and too young to resolve to manage a situation just because you got into it
If you feel your decision was wrong,you can get out if it if you choose to
You have a choice
Totally your choice

bashbabe2:
Hmmm I understand where you are coming from because he lied initially. But I would choose to be a second wife with a good,loving,caring,religious husband like yours than an only wife with irresponsible husband.
You admitted everything is going on perfectly the reservations you are have are merely the devil reminding you how things would be if you are an only wife which is not perfect either. Even your friend's wish they were you.

Please try and be happy and not be ashamed. Polygamy has been around for many years and would still continue to be.you should be happy not be worried about what people will say.

He is keeping friends away because they are not meant to see you in that state because even the 1st wife will cover up to receive visitors.

Please just pray for your family and continue to live in peace and i pray God lead you to the right path as well.

Only a girl reared in a polygamous setting will say these things
A girl who grew up in a monogamous home will say " I will rather be single than be one of many wives,the man's level of religiosity not withstanding"

sherina10:
Ha this thread has resurrected

Babyosisi I saw ur advice it was one of a kind but I couldn't mail u because d worst had already happened then.

I was pregnant n I didn't even realise maybe God wanted to punish me for being selfish though I will soon put to birth as I'm almost due, I still had ur mail in my diary n what I wanted to mail u then, my husband also saw the thread n became very unhappy.

I really appreciate your advice and your understanding, thank you very much.

By the grace of God what I'm planning to do after I put to birth is get another marketable degree which will take maybe 5 years or so outside the country and hubby has agreed to sponsor me, after that I might get a job n become independent then maybe have my life back but I don't want to be dependent of any man ever again. @ babyosisi what do you think?

I know i was harsh to you the other time. Don't be angry ok?
Your husband is a good man and gives you all the support within his reach. The thing is, you can still be happy in Nigeria as a second wife if you choose to. Not all those people you see with single husbands are happy, most of it is cosmetic marriage. Some are passing through the worst form or physical, emotional, mental and spiritual abuse you cant think of in this world. I'm so glad your baby is on the way, alt least it would be a neutral ground for all the parties involved. Do not feel inferior because of your marital status. The grass they say is always greener on the other side until you cross over. Besides, life my sister is what you make out of it. What ever decision you take in future just make sure you put your baby first. Do have a good life ahead of you.
PEACE.

babyosisi:
Only a girl reared in a polygamous setting will say these things
A girl who grew up in a monogamous home will say " I will rather be single than be one of many wives,the man's level of religiosity not withstanding"

What are you saying. I was not brought up in a polygamous home. But my religion allows it in as much it's done within the rules and he can be just. If he fear he cannot be just then should only marry one to avoid falling into error.

It's better to have a polygamous home than adulterous husband. This is a grevious sin in which most men are involved in today.
Your beliefs might not make you see sense in polygamy but what you should not do is discourage or condemn people in it. Live your life and let her live hers.

thorpido:
You've been advised severally on the need to quit and get a new life but for reasons that you can't even rationalise,you have stayed put.
You have laid your bed and you have to lie on it.Many years to come,you will wish it had been different.You will probably be one of 3 or 4 wives.

When I opened the thread I was pregnant without my knowledge, when I discovered I was already pregnant I couldn't bring myself to leave with the unborn baby. Really I can't fend for myself n d unborn baby alone.

sherina10:
When I opened the thread I was pregnant without my knowledge, when I discovered I was already pregnant I couldn't bring myself to leave with the unborn baby. Really I can't fend for myself n d unborn baby alone.

Okay.Make the best of your situation.

veave:
I know i was harsh to you the other time. Don't be angry ok?
Your husband is a good man and gives you all the support within his reach. The thing is, you can still be happy in Nigeria as a second wife if you choose to. Not all those people you see with single husbands are happy, most of it is cosmetic marriage. Some are passing through the worst form or physical, emotional, mental and spiritual abuse you cant think of in this world. I'm so glad your baby is on the way, alt least it would be a neutral ground for all the parties involved. Do not feel inferior because of your marital status. The grass they say is always greener on the other side until you cross over. Besides, life my sister is what you make out of it. What ever decision you take in future just make sure you put your baby first. Do have a good life ahead of you.
PEACE.

Dear thanks for your understanding, this baby is really a source of joy to me n I'm so glad I'm going to be a mum it's really a nice feeling, I do pray to God for forgiveness everyday because I tried to abort the pregnancy when I discovered initially because I really wanted to leave then without baggage but my bundle of joy was already 17 weeks so I couldn't bring myself to do it not with my husband pleas that I should give birth to the baby n he will take full responsibility if I'm not ready to be a mum.

All the same I know I'm responsible for my decision and at the time me agreeing to marry hubby was me being selfish, my decision to leave was me being selfish again but all the samet it hasn't been that bad. Hubby is very surportive most especially when he tries to come down to my level.

PEACE TO YOU TOO.
THANKS.

[quote author=sherina10 post=33566826][/quote]After all these time you still dont feel right yet you are forcing yourself to. Anyways, dont be naive to the point of not utilizing the opportunity of furthering your study abroad immediately after birth. You will know what you really want for yourself after it.