To the citizens of the Royal Niger Protectorate otherwise known as Nigeria from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your rescent failure to nominate a competent candidates for President of the Federal Govt of Nigeria and thus inevitible inability to govern yourselves properly by electing a sectional bigoted gerriatic semi illiterate, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

(You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Osun and Kogi, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron , will appoint a Governor for Nigeria without the need for further elections.

National and State Assemblies will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed since these institutions were absolutely useless.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. That uninspiring mono-toned flag of yours will be banned and a new flag designed signifying your servitude to the British Crown.

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ”Ahh" and ‘Yeahs" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as "am coming" when you are actually leaving!

3. October 1st and May 29th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. All muslim holidays are banned as well. As far as Her Majesty is concerned, you have too much holidays and NO Valentine's day was never a Public holiday!


4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using voodoo, Police, or fake pastors.

5. The use of Motor bikes as taxis commonly referred as Okadas in your slang is henceforth banned.

6. You will start driving on the left side with immediate effect and as such only used British cars will be allowed as imports.

7. The former Nigeria will adopt UK prices on petrol of roughly $10/US gallon. Her Majesty's govt will not subsidize your "tokunbo" clanky junks. Get used to it.

8. Cocoa and Groundnut plantations will resume in both the Southwest and northern Nigeria. The respective regions aforementioned will ensure that Her Majesty's annual remmittance as determined by the British Trades Board is met.

9.You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

10. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1960).

11. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs and loafs of aggege bread!

God Save the Queen!

Who is Queen?