₦airaland Forum

How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?

These are from a book called Disorder in the
Courts and are things people actually said in
court, word for word, taken down and published
by court reporters that had the torment of staying
calm while the exchanges were taking place.

Source: https://m.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10201496899371105&id=1434916702&set=a.1143161265946.2022765.1434916702&refid=28&_ft_=qid.6164708922292941374%3Amf_story_key.2484203969783752218%3AeligibleForSeeFirstBumping.&__tn__=%2As

Cc: Lalasticlala, dominique
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ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your
husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment
of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

WITNESS: July 18th.

ATTORNEY: What year?

WITNESS: Every year

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living
with you?


WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't
remember which.


ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?


WITNESS: Forty-five years.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect
your memory at all?


WITNESS: Yes.


ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your
memory?


WITNESS: I forget..


ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an
example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a
person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it
until the next morning?


WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

This is hilariiiiiouus! I want some more. Pleeease...

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old,
how old is he?


WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture
was taken?


WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

OCcool:
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a
person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it
until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

Haha!

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the
baby) was August 8th?


WITNESS: Yes.


ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that
time?


WITNESS: Getting laid

OCcool:
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

LMAO! my belle o!

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?


WITNESS: Yes.


ATTORNEY: How many were boys?


WITNESS: None.


ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?


WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different
attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage
terminated?


WITNESS: By death..


ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it
terminated?


WITNESS: Take a guess.

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?


WITNESS: He was about medium height and had
a beard


ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?


WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm
going with male.

OCcool:
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid

Buhahahaha! Front page pls. Obinoscopy ishilove lalastica

OCcool:
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different
attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage
terminated?

WITNESS: By death..

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it
terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

I can't Deal... olodo attorney!

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning
pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to
your attorney?


WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to
work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies
have you performed on dead people?


WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too
much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral,
OK? What school did you go to?


WITNESS: Oral...

OCcool:
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect
your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your
memory?

WITNESS: I forget..

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an
example of something you forgot?

smh

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you
examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the
time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine
sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the
autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient
was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my
desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still
been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have
been alive and practicing law.

ATMC:
This is hilariiiiiouus! I want some more. Pleeease...

I'm glad you like them

Lwkm4h

Very funny, u have just made my day.Wish we could get the Naija ones, laff go wan kill you.

OCcool:
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you
examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the
time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine
sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the
autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient
was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my
desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still
been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have
been alive and practicing law.

Wicked response!!!

nice one OP



nice one

lol

Lwkmd... Nice one

I had a good laugh with this.

Idd' made my dea... Naija own go be like...
Judge: So u wantu break up after 13 years of marriage. How many years have you been married?
Man: This judge no get brain o

Funny.

Both the attorney and the witness must have been high on something before appearing at the court room.

icekream:
Idd' made my dea... Naija own go be like...
Judge: So u wantu break up after 13 years of marriage. How many years have you been married?
Man: This judge no get brain o

Bwahahahaha

Verrrrry hilarious

Pls Nigeria version