I don show! Its me the award winning writer of Barrack Boy https://www.nairaland.com/1174408/barrack-boy, Ibo boy wey like Yoruba https://www.nairaland.com/1178134/ibo-boy-wey-like-yoruba, Man wey dey reason https://www.nairaland.com/1217099/man-wey-dey-reason, Flow and Snow https://www.nairaland.com/2094868/flow-snow, now here is another very funny, expository, tragic, Compelling, Ghetto-like, Mind blowing, one stop, rib cracking, all in one story.

Read and enjoy.

Signed and sealed
flow1759


STILL I FLOW

sail on broh,

“Where are you going to?”

“I will be back, I want to urinate!”

Since brother Wale’s assumption of duty as the chief fryer of bean cake in Maami’s bean cake hangout after her ailment struck, his harshness increased to almost climax. I remember him almost frying my left hand along with bean cakes just because I was dozing off while molding the cakes.

“Always urinating! Please I need you to axe this firewood!” That was my second hobby.
I was not only brother Wale’s special assistant; I was also his wood pecker.

Every evening while I axed the firewood in preparation for business, I just couldn’t help but to weep deep down, wishing Maami was hale and hearty, wishing her kidney had not failed.

Brother Wale and I toiled everyday in the farm, and at night we sold bean cakes to gather enough money to give to the doctor for the transplant.
I just wished she wasn’t ill. Like goose pimples, nostalgia surrounds my body whenever I remember how Maami made delicious bean cakes that made customers came back for more. She could bake cakes to feed the whole community and there would still be twelve baskets full of leftovers, yet her bean cakes were second to none in taste. What do we have? Those baked by brother Wale were nothing but culinary failures. At some point, I thought of advising him that we should add a sweetener to our bean cakes to keep customers patronizing us stuck like bee to nectar, if I had advised him, I know stubborn brother Wale wouldn’t had listened.

So I decided to go to the extreme and brought sugar to work one evening.

The chance to carry out my “plan” came when Brother Wale went home to fetch more firewood and told me to watch the bean cakes on fire. I hurriedly sprinkled some of the sugar on the cakes and I noticed Yemi my friend saw me from the corner of his eyes yet he pretended he didn't see me.

What resulted about twenty minutes later was Okon one of our customers complaining his stomach ached; that it seemed there was a snake moving in his stomach. “Yes there are indeed snakes moving around your stomach; sugar snakes!” I said to myself.


When Brother Wale returned with the firewood, he yelled and yelled asking if I added something to the cake that made almost all the customers complained.

“me? I did not add anything oh” I answered.

“And did you fry it well?” Brother Wale asked.

“I see am dey pour something for inside the Akara!” Yemi my talkative friend said.

“Mumu! na groundnut oil I dey pour that time!” I attacked him.

“yeeeeeh! Seyi you can lie ooh!” Yemi the never-say-die-dragon said.

“drag-drag boy! You be dragon!” I attacked.

“I be dragon abi! Oya make we check your pocket! The thing wey you pour for the frying pan dey your pocket” When Yemi said that I knew I was in soup; Ogbonno soup precisely.

“Okay come here let me search your pocket!” Brother Wale commanded.

As I took the slowest five steps of my life towards where Brother Wale stood I said the Lord’s prayer hurriedly three times; wishing the sugar in my pocket would disappear.

All of a sudden Brother Wale’s phone beeped. The message he read made his face gloomy instantly. “I need to go see the doctor now!” He said.

“Hope there is no problem?” I asked.

“Problem? I think there is!”

PrimeMinisterr:
sail on broh,

Lets sail together

I'm present on scene,sail on mr flow.

Deluxewize:
I'm present on scene,sail on mr flow.

You are highly welcome.

Following.

Dear anti spam bot, pls don't ban me for my updates, and if you do by mistake, "unban" me quickly because it isn't intentional. You as a machine and i as flow1759 know that i write pidgin words that can lead to my ban for the words. cc ishilove

And to my beautiful fans, if i don't update for too long know anti spam bot is at it again and pls solicit for my "unban". Thank you.

Update coming soon.

Still I Flow

Time to mark attendance

Front seat things. Ope ooooo. Flow don begin a new story wey get the prospect of ending next year. Oh Lord, Bami gbagbara fun flow. Eyam temi. Ko durosoke. It mustn't come down laye. Laye oo, Flow ko jo o.
STILL I FOLLOW!

When I was told Maami couldn’t make it through surgery I was crippled for two days. I wished so many things.

I wished she was alive to see me celebrate my 15th birthday, yes I wished it was she who prepared the bean cakes I and my friends eat at the birthday “bash” by the fire stand.

I wished she was alive to see me become 17th position in class leaving my usual 20th position.

I wish with tears in my eyes.

I wish with tears in my eyes that Maami was still alive to see Brother Wale beat her handsome Seyi bobo for no just cause; like when he beat me for asking him why he didn’t donate one of his kidneys to save Maami. Hmmmmmmm! Wicked Brother Wale. If a fifteen year old kidney was matured enough to be transplanted into a sick fifty year old, why not? I would have donated?


With tears in my eyes I woke up two days after we returned from the village after Maami’s burial with a question in mind.

“Brother Wale why have we been eating only beans since the burial?” That was the question.

A knock in my head was the response.

“eaaaaah! Wetin I do na?” I yelled as I heard the knock on my head echoed fourteen times and stars shone afterwards.

“Is that your greeting this morning?”

“Sorry brother, good afternoon!” I thought I saw the sun set.

“oooooh! It is afternoon abi?”

“yes………………… I mean No, good morning” I stammered, “I make mistake, I no know!”

“And how many times will I tell you that when speaking to me, you shouldn’t speak pidgin?”

“pegan! But brother I didn’t speak pegan na!”

“will you shut up! Did I say pegan? I said peeegiiin”

“peeegiiiin!” I tongue twisted, “brother what is peeegiin? Is it the language the pigeons in Yemi’s bird nest speak?”

And yet another knock landed on my head.

“aaaaah! Brother I have head ache oh!” I cried.

“oya sorry!” He served me sorry like fresh bitter leaf.

“sorry na, Seyi bobo! Okay pidgin means what you people call Broken” he explained.

“Oooooh! So na broken nahim be pidgin?” I had learned one.

Four the next few weeks we stopped eating beans so the two bags of beans Maami bought before she died wouldn’t finish; we started eating bitter leaf soup and “Iyan” for dinner and Akara and bread for breakfast. As for lunch, our food was tilling the ground to rid the bitter leaf farm off weeds. That was food meant to go through the mouth. For the Nose, the only food readily available between the hours of 1am to 3am is fart.

It wasn’t for my nose alone, but for my kidneys too. I remember a particular “battalion” of Brother Wale's fart rendering my kidney useless and my stomach, it was running 100 metres. That night it rained and our leaking roof chase away my sleep. The first fart Brother Wale let out struck me like thunder and I faced the other way and covered by nose with my hands.

Then came another fart; what I would term the vibrating fart. At first I thought it was his phone vibrating, but when I put on the torchlight, I saw the truth.

The truth was that I would die if i don't run for my dear life, and so I fled to the sitting room. As I was sleeping in the cushion in the sitting room, I felt my kidney moving around my solar plexus and so I assured myself I would never sleep in the same room with farting Brother Wale ever again, but again I was scared of sleeping alone in a room save the cockroach experience repeated itself.


The cockroach experience is an experience I will live to remember for the rest of my life and even in my after life. I was to travel with Brother Jimmy to the village the following day for Papa’s burial, Brother Wale and Maami was already in the village a day before.
That night, something happened that made me cursed Brother Jimmy for not coming to pass the night with me before we hit the road the following morning.


I had thought of going to pass the night with Yemi in his house but I feared I might not survive the next morning as his brothers might suffocate me with their pot bellies.

I pleaded with Yemi to come pass the night with me, but he refused saying he was scared of passing a night in the house where my Dad died save his ghost shows up at night.

“I no believe say ghost dey exist oh!” I assured him.

“I don tell you my own, I no dey sleep for una house! Go and sleep alone!” When a friend desert you.


I was still awake that dark night when something crawled across my legs, then another crawled seconds later, and then another. I was sure cockroaches had called parade so I stood up, tried putting on the torch light but it failed me.

“wetin do this torch na? I think say I charge am?”

I was still talking of the failed torchlight when from nowhere, something caressed my neck.

“who be that?” I turned and saw it was the curtain.

Then I heard a click sound in the sitting room.

“who is that? Brother Wale is that you?”

“guy you better go outside! Run go outside!” My mind told me.

I had gathered momentum to run out when I felt something moving in my “department”.

The something crawled more like ant than cockroach.

“guy take am easy, remember say He that wants to kill an ant in his p’rivate part should be careful not to destroy his p’rivate part in the process” I assured myself with the quote of Emeka Brother Wale’s friend.

But as I felt the crawling insect ploughed through the “bush” I had managed to grow, I assured myself it was a cockroach not an ant.

Lets go there

Ramwab94:
Front seat things. Ope ooooo. Flow don begin a new story wey get the prospect of ending next year. Oh Lord, Bami gbagbara fun flow. Eyam temi. Ko durosoke. It mustn't come down laye. Laye oo, Flow ko jo o.
STILL I FOLLOW!

But guy i go need your help for one thing oh. I need you to help me with your vote for this competition.

i gats win the competition, Enter this link https://fidelitybank.ng/mytoughjobstory/index.php/ugochukwu/ and vote by click with a button at the bottom. Thats all. Thank you!

Abeg help me spread the word to your friends. The person wey dey first dey pass me well well, i need plenty votes. Thanks

https://fidelitybank.ng/mytoughjobstory/index.php/ugochukwu/

My friends that is the link to vote for my story in this competition i participated. As simple as just clicking the vote at the bottom of the page. Thats all!

flow1759:


But guy i go need your help for one thing oh. I need you to help me with your vote for this competition.

i gats win the competition, Enter this link https://fidelitybank.ng/mytoughjobstory/index.php/ugochukwu/ and vote by click with a button at the bottom. Thats all. Thank you!

Abeg help me spread the word to your friends. The person wey dey first dey pass me well well, i need plenty votes. Thanks

Flow, I've done that since 2-3days ago. But I'll try help you mobilize people to tender their votes too.

Ramwab94:
Flow, I've done that since 2-3days ago. But I'll try help you mobilize people to tender their votes too.

You be correct! Thank you!

All this people wey dey read my story so, make una click that link and vote abeg

Following

As I ran to towards the sitting room, something in me told me to halt, I obeyed. That same thing told me to walk and not run. Meanwhile one of my hands was inside my bush harvesting the “unwanted” weed. I caught it, crushed it and thanked my stars I did in time.

The click sound was louder and the entire house became darker as I walked towards the living room. My gracious God! I saw my spirit left me.

“now you can run” My mind commanded.

“run to where?”

“just run! Run!”

I took to my heels for seconds and stopped abruptly as I saw something that made me fell on my knees and cried.

It was a statue of someone wearing a crown and smiling.

“I dey sorry angel! I dey sorry!” I was on my knees.

“I no go ever thief meat for pot again” I confessed my sins. Stealing meat from the pot was trendy that period in my life; I thought I had mastered the art not until one night. That night I stole meat from the pot without torchlight in hand, this was what transpired the next morning:

“Seyi go and warm that soup in the pot! I think we will have to share that one piece of meat that is remaining in the pot” Brother Wale’s stingy self said.

It instantly dawned on me that I needed to see a butcher instantly.

“Wetin I go do now?” I asked myself.

As I warmed the soup, I cried deep down wishing Brother Wale would forget about the meat. Something within me told me to play this trick,that it might work; worse case scenario I will be flogged and that’s all.

The trick was that I should add a small stone to the soup – I mean a stone shaped like the piece of meat I stole.

“food is ready sir!” I announced.

“Seyi bobo! This one you are calling me sir? Is everything alright?” Brother Wale asked.

“Nothing ooh! I am just happy my birthday is around the corner” I replied.

“really! But you just celebrated your birthday last month na!”

“Ok! Its true oh!..... I am happy because of the success of my birthday, i am thanking God for it”


As we ate together, I swiftly picked the piece of meat, piece of stone rather along with my Eba and put it in my mouth.

“Where is the meat?” A knock landed on my head.

Brother Wale’s knuckles had overtime created a valley in between the two mountains my head is made up of and with time I got used to his hard knocks – they made my head thick.

“the meat?” I was mouthful.

“no the bone! My friend where is the meat?”

“I…… I……………”
“I………. What?” He beamed the torchlight on my face and of course he saw the obvious bulge.

“So you want to eat the piece of meat abi?” Yet another knock on my head, this time around I heard Rock music played in my head.

“no oh, I just wanted to help you cut it!”

“and did I tell you to help me cut it? Bring it out!”

I brought out the stone and after he confirmed it was a stone he commanded that I put it back in my mouth, chewed and swallowed.

“But brother it is a stone na!” I cried.






Still on my knees the angel was still smiling on me and I had made up my mind like Jacob in the Bible to wrestle with the angel.

“I will never lie again!” I promised. But I noticed the angel wasn’t saying anything but just smiling.

“which kin angel be this?” I asked myself, and then without thinking, I pushed the “weightless” angel and in the process I fell the way a fifteen storey building would collapse.

It was when I was on ground that I realized what I thought was an angel was actually our curtain, and the smiles on the angel’s face was a reflection the standing mirror in the sitting room made on the curtain.

Face down, blood gushed out of my mouth like I was a bank of blood withdrawing like a river. Common sense told me to shut my mouth with my right hand since the muscles in my mouth had failed me, little did I know that Common sense was wrong.

With my mouth wide open and my right hand covering it all in the bid of obeying the injunction of Common sense I tasted something like rotten egg, then I withdrew my hand to know why my blood suddenly changed taste albeit it wasn’t tasting good ab initio. Closing my mouth, I chewed something that tasted like crayfish.

The ever-food-sensitive tongue of mine was too quick to swallow the “crayfish” within split seconds.

It was the after-taste of the “crayfish” and how my throat felt while I swallowed that made me realized I had swallowed cockroach.

owcheychey:
Following

Don't only follow, pls vote https://fidelitybank.ng/mytoughjobstory/index.php/ugochukwu/

So funny can't stop laughing like a mad man

tomzee2:
So funny can't stop laughing like a mad man

See another funny story in my signature and, after reading pls vote

Wale Ajibade is the first son of the Ajibade farming Dynasty, he is 90 percent late Moses Ajibade and 9 percent late Stella Ajibade, the rest one percent attributes of what makes up the man Brother Wale is gotten from I Seyi Ajibade his younger brother – his only brother. He copied the way I walked, the way I talked, and of course my slangs; slangs like “Wadup” I always say that to my friends when we shake hands.

Most days Brother Wale puts on a gloomy face that made his face looked like the face carried by a frog, he rarely smiles, except when it rained the previous night, then in such days, he would smile all day. When it rains at night and I saw him smiling the next morning, I wouldn’t blame it on the wet bed we slept on that resulted from our leaking roof but on the fact that maybe he dreamt of Christiana Adibe his love.

Aunty Christy! Oh Aunty Christy! See what you have done to Brother Wale.

Brother Wale could go hungry all day and at night he would send me with a food flask to go give Christy and her elder sister Njideka some food to eat. I was not left out in the love story, I would go hungry or eat small rations just to make sure the always-hungry Christy is fed.


I remember Brother Wale giving a very hungry Seyi bobo (SB) food to deliver to his love Christy one afternoon.

“give this food to Christy” He ordered.

“but brother what of me, what will I eat?” I swallowed saliva.

“will you shut up and give her the food first! When you return the rice on fire will be done and we can eat. This one is for Christy my love”

“F’oolish love! You never chop na another person food you first put” I cursed within.

“what did you say?” I thought she heard me. “She” because Brother Wale had since Maami’s death became the proverbial “Woman wrapper”, always wrapping beans cakes every night to give to his love at home.

“say? I did not say anything oh!” I said the food is hot oh!” I spoke out.

“the food is hot, if you troway am for road troway yourself join with am” That was the first day I heard Brother Wale spoke Pidgin since he graduated from the university.


On my way to Aunty Christy’s house, I saw some of my friends playing football and I stopped to watch.

“SB come play for me I don tayah!” Bunmi said.

“but my brother send me na” I said.

“shey na only you get brother?” Imo said, “abeg come play ball jor!”

I left the food I was supposed to deliver by the side of the goal post and I was in the monkey post pitch in no time.

The most striking force in the monkey post football match that afternoon was no other but me. I had scored two goals and I had forgotten that I was famished.


“SB pass me the ball!” Yellow longed.

I wanted to pass the ball to Yellow God knows but Imo’s big head wasn’t giving me the clear view I needed, so I headed for the goal post.

I moved the ball to my left leg for a killer shot and “baaaa!” I fired the ball to the post. As my culture have it in such occasions, i shut my eyes to open only when the ball arrive its destination point.

As I opened my eyes, I saw nightmare.


Aunty Christy’s food was gone.

“SB you don troway your food” Yellow announced, and everyone burst into laughter.

“who tell you say na my food?” I denied.

“SB! Lie-Lie! Linus! No be you keep this food here?” Yemi said.

“Yeaaeeh! See big meat oh! I go chop am oh!” The gluttonous Debo proposed.

“Debo if you try am eenh!” I yelled.

“oohoooh! I think say you say no be you keep the food there?” Yellow said.

“I don die! Brother Wale go kill me eeeh!” I came close and saw the rice was all round sand infested.

“try make you see whether you go fit pack am na?” Yemi suggested

“pack wetin? You no see as san-san do full am?”

“abeg you fit still pack am jor! Make I help you pack am put for the food flask?” Debo offered, I guessed he meant putting it in his mouth not food flask.

Before I winked my eyes to chase away the tears that gathered lest my friends laughed at me should it fall, Debo had picked one piece of meat, then he was putting rice in his pocket.

“Debo!” I yelled.

“What? What I do?” He returned.

“I dey talk say I don die for Brother Wale hand, you dey here dey eat the food” I was sitting on the floor crying already.

“Hahaha! Him hey cry!” My friends laughed so hard.

I had just cried two rivers when Yemi said “see Brother Wale dey come!!”

“I thought he was pulling my dirty legs, but when I saw that they all fled one after the other, I looked up, lo and behold I saw Brother Wale and his lover walking towards me.

“eeeh! Don’t you run!” Brother Wale commanded.

Make una no vex for the late update, i dey busy too much.

BTW The votes are not counting anything close to a reciprocate of the people viewing this story.

Abeg una, vote here: https://fidelitybank.ng/mytoughjobstory/index.php/ugochukwu/ click the "love" below the page and Volla! You don vote be that. Thank you in anticipation of your votes.

Lol. Nice
Cc. Kenwins, skimpledawg, onemansquad slimjoez, uthman51, lilyomi

flow1759:


See another funny story in my signature and, after reading pls vote

still reading them one after the other. You re good bro

stuff46:
Lol. Nice
Cc. Kenwins, skimpledawg, onemansquad slimjoez, uthman51, lilyomi

wetin hapen

Onemansquad:
wetin hapen

Read and vote tru that link na. Ode

oga flow, I've read and I've voted.and I hope u win.
following..

I dey gbadun u flow..

Uthman51:
I dey gbadun u flow..

Thank you dear friend!

Gobe is when Brother Wale sent Seyi Bobo [SB] on an errand and he decides to branch Football Pitch.
Even Bigger Gobe is when He personally hit the ball so hard that it attacked the food flask meant for Brother Wale's lover and he started crying.
Biggest Gobe is when Debo offered to help SB pack the rice from sand, but instead picked a meat and pull some rice in his own pocket.
Super Gobe is when SB's friend sighted Brother Wale and his Lover coming and informed SB. Instead of waiting, they all dispersed, One-after-the-other.
Now kasala don burst as Seyi Bobo go get the beating of his life. Oh Seyi...
Abeg, make una help vote for flow in the link he shared. Na beg we dey beg abeg.
STILL I FOLLOW!!