tearoses:
To the people saying he must teach even though he doesn't like teaching
Would you want your kid to be taught by a reluctant teacher?
I certainly wont
Teaching is not for everyone

OP its up to you how you deal with this
He is your husband
You chose him
There must have been something that made you choose him over anyone else
You can see it as his problem only or you can make something you both attack
According to you the man had a job when he met you, its not that he was lazy then
Nigeria is very stressful and hard and with very few jobs

Right now he needs your support
Everyone has their own shoe that is pinching and cross that they bear
His is his job
For some people its health issues and some people its extra marital issues
You are on N30K a month, which shows that good paying jobs are not that easy to get on Nigeria even for graduates. God help Nigeria.

I dont advocate laziness
Infact I dislike lazy people
However one of positives of marriage is being able to support each other in trying times.
2 heads is better than one
In his weakness lend him your strength
He needs it

Sit down and discuss the future together and direct him where you both want to go during this weak period.
If he had a medical disorder, you wont abandon him but you will stick by him
I don't think that any man wakes up in the morning and hopes and prays that his wife will cater for him, only gigolos do that and that's for plenty plenty money.

Even if you want him to hustle, tell him directly what you want him to do in a clear and concise language. I know its been very hard and I applaud all that you have done up until now.

I will not support you starving him. He is not just anybody. He is your husband.

I pray that God visits your family and all this will all be a thing of the past in Jesus Name.

Thank you very much, you have said a lot and it spoke to my spirit.

yebo36:


Thank you very much, you have said a lot and it spoke to my spirit.

OP i dont want to be a bearer of bad news but i have been in a similar situation, married for 11yrs and just turned 30 yet ihave been the bread winner for over 9yrs of marriage.

I remember bringing my matter to Nairaland years ago (then hubby hadnt had a job for 7yrs). I had the weird, wonderful, curses, blessings, endurance, agaracha et al advise from oldschool newbies, singles and married folks.

I decided at the time to stay but no longer share a bed with hubby. He huffed and puffed (we have now not slept together for almost 3 years). He is still unemployed and i have decided to end the marriage because i know where the shoe pinches me the most. He is a wonderful father but as a husband, he has failed in his primary duties and that is just as important in marriage.

What i have learned is that people will talk anyway. If you leave your hubby because he cheats and gets the maid pregnant they will talk. If you leave because he is unemployed they will talk. If you remain and in 20 yrs time he is still unemployed, they will say, you have stayed this long, so just stay and endure.

I cant tell you what to do but make a decision based on your individual circumstance and what you are comfortable with. My own decision wasnt made in a haste, it took time to emotionally get to where i am and may God guide you whichever way you take.

yebo36:
Hi all, am pretty new here on this section but am impressed that matters of the heart is being addressed here.

Its been four years of marriage and I have been the only one with a monthly income of just 30k supporting the family. Truly am tried but just hanging on.

Recently, i discovered that my husband can't perform well on bed, hardly eats and losing weight. Just this evening i asked if he was sick but he said no its his finances that is affecting him.

Please to all the married men and women in the house your advice will be highly appreciated.

I tried fivver, freelancer writing articles but its not easy to write and meet deadline with kids and so much responsibility of running the home. So I had to put it on hold.

You try. ..
Even as you knew you earned 30,000 you and your husband still went on to bring kids into this world. ..

Na wa o... I really feel for the children..

[quote author=Young03 post=40473240]

lol madam am sorry ok


Bt advise no be curse oo[/quot

DETERMINATION is like a force that can break any barrier.
There is NO breakthrough without DETERMINATION .
DETERMINATION works like a magic.
All we need to succeed in life is DETERMINATION.
Why the prayers are not working and will never work is because your hubby lacks this vital instrument called DETERMINATION.
It will interest you to know that ALL the persons that that succeeded in the bible were DETERMINED to succeed.
DETERMINATION has the capacity to provoke the hand of JEHOVAH.
Failure is an absence of DETERMINATION.
All your husband need is DETERMINATION, once he gets this, his problems will be over very soon.
Anybody that had used this instrument (DETERMINATION ) will testify of its potency.

Rexology:
DETERMINATION is like a force that can break any barrier.
There is NO breakthrough without DETERMINATION .
DETERMINATION works like a magic.
All we need to succeed in life is DETERMINATION.
Why the prayers are not working and will never work is because your hubby lacks this vital instrument called DETERMINATION.
It will interest you to know that ALL the persons that that succeeded in the bible were DETERMINED to succeed.
DETERMINATION has the capacity to provoke the hand of JEHOVAH.
Failure is an absent of DETERMINATION.
All your husband needs is DETERMINATION, once he gets this, his problems will be over very soon.
Anybody that had used this instrument (DETERMINATION ) will testify of its potency.

Well said. Thank you.

duduade:



You try. ..
Even as you knew you earned 30,000 you and your husband still went on to bring kids into this world. ..

Na wa o... I really feel for the children..

I don't think i asked you for help to take care of my kids did iI? I only asked how to help my husband not my kids, if you don't have any advice to offer just view and leave.

yebo36:

I don't think i asked you for help to take care of my kids did iI? I only asked how to help my husband not my kids, if you don't have any advice to offer just view and leave.

Madame sorry o but the truth is bitter. . No vex

Yeyenatu

Please don't deny him food, not giving him food is the equivalent of cursing out a woman for being childless. You have to be firm to make him move but he can't be active on hungry stomach.


It is a terrible situation but not unusual, be strong.

Op you don't have to Divorce your husband because of him not providing if he is doing well in other areas of the family. Reach an arrangement with him to take care of the home front while you look for a better job to take care of the family since he doesn't want to get a job.
Just as long as he doesn't stay idle.
Just stop nagging him, that's not the worst that can happen to the marriage.
Rather than attack him, sit with him and plan together. Draw a realistic plan of what you both want to achieve and how to reach your goal. If he can do freelance jobs online, good for both of you.
Please stop worrying about this and making things difficult for yourself. Do your best and leave the rest.

byvan03:
Please don't deny him food, not giving him food is the equivalent of cursing out a woman for being childless. You have to be firm to make him move but he can't be active on hungry stomach.


It is a terrible situation but not unusual, be strong.

I get your point. Its not easy for me at all, but is it as bad as "cursing out a woman for being childless"? The way you put it made me feel really bad.

I think i will have change that decision. Following comments from here, it's like it is not a good decision. Thank you all, sharing this alone has made me feel a lot better.

yebo36:


I get your point. Its not easy for me at all, but is it as bad as "cursing out a woman for being childless"? The way you put it made me feel really bad.

I think i will have change that decision. Following comments from here, it's like it is not a good decision. Thank you all, sharing this alone has made me feel a lot better.

My dear to be honest with you,it's as bad as that. That will break ones heart into pieces especially if you both are really close before this ordeal. Please give food , that will do and don't stop talking to him about the matter. He has to understand that you are getting fed up, it isn't right for a man to sit around and watch his wife collapse under burden that is meant to be shared.


Stay blessed, I pray this ends soon.

@OP,
Unfortunately,chances that your husband will ever get off his butt and get hustling is 2/10. If he were enterprising,you wouldn't be this aggrieved because youd see he's making an effort.Many go out there and get their hands dirty even if it brings in 10k. The fact that he's not making an effort should give you a clue.Many people in your situation,10 years,20 years no change.

Just get used to the idea that you will most likely be the breadwinner forever.If possible update your skills and get a better job.I say this for the sake of your kids cos as they get older,the cost of caring for them will increase.

This may sound crazy to you but maybe he has to take on the role of househusband if you are open to it.He can clean the house,cook,care for the kids,prepare them for school etc while you go out to hustle just same as a stay at home mom..This may work better for you both cos at least you will be getting all the help you need with the home and maybe it will alleviate some of the stress and anger you feel.You should discuss it with him and find out what he thinks about it.Many families do this especially when the woman is a higher earner and the childcare costs are too high meaning that one partner has to stay and man the home front.

Good Luck!

This matter is beyond prayers.Faith without action is dead and won't work.Enough has been said.Your hubby has no driving force in him.It takes enough determination to be able to achieve in life.May God continue to strenghten you and give you all the wisdom you need and I pray you find additional Source of income.

Jahblessme:
@OP,
Unfortunately,chances that your husband will ever get off his butt and get hustling is 2/10. If he were enterprising,you wouldn't be this aggrieved because youd see he's making an effort.Many go out there and get their hands dirty even if it brings in 10k. The fact that he's not making an effort should give you a clue.Many people in your situation,10 years,20 years no change.

Just get used to the idea that you will most likely be the breadwinner forever.If possible update your skills and get a better job.I say this for the sake of your kids cos as they get older,the cost of caring for them will increase.

This may sound crazy to you but maybe he has to take on the role of househusband if you are open to it.He can clean the house,cook,care for the kids,prepare them for school etc while you go out to hustle just same as a stay at home mom..This may work better for you both cos at least you will be getting all the help you need with the home and maybe it will alleviate some of the stress and anger you feel.You should discuss it with him and find out what he thinks about it.Many families do this especially when the woman is a higher earner and the childcare costs are too high meaning that one partner has to stay and man the home front.

Good Luck!

my thoughts exactly, quit nagging, starving him and reporting and change to plan B. Let him hold the fort at home while you bring in the money since it seems u r more enterprising. I don't believe he is an entirely good for nothing man.

[
quote author=Jahblessme post=40619794]@OP,
Unfortunately,chances that your husband will ever get off his butt and get hustling is 2/10. If he were enterprising,you wouldn't be this aggrieved because youd see he's making an effort.Many go out there and get their hands dirty even if it brings in 10k. The fact that he's not making an effort should give you a clue.Many people in your situation,10 years,20 years no change.

Just get used to the idea that you will most likely be the breadwinner forever.If possible update your skills and get a better job.I say this for the sake of your kids cos as they get older,the cost of caring for them will increase.

This may sound crazy to you but maybe he has to take on the role of househusband if you are open to it.He can clean the house,cook,care for the kids,prepare them for school etc while you go out to hustle just same as a stay at home mom..This may work better for you both cos at least you will be getting all the help you need with the home and maybe it will alleviate some of the stress and anger you feel.You should discuss it with him and find out what he thinks about it.Many families do this especially when the woman is a higher earner and the childcare costs are too high meaning that one partner has to stay and man the home front.

Good Luck![/quote]

Are you saying i should accept things the way they are? Kai i don't think i can. It will damage my pride as a woman and even kill me on time especially when i see my mates enjoying the real definition of marriage. I will look for a way around it but if i will have to stay 10,20 years like dis , i will rather work out of the marriage. 10,20 years ke?

@yebo36

E be like say fear don enter your body

What is the real definition of marriage?It is whatever you want your marriage to be,what your vision is.Only you can decide that and make it what you want it to be.Remember what works for A may not work for B so looking at other people may send you to an early grave.Its better you and your spouse do whats best for both of you and forget conforming to what society has said marriage must be.

That is why I presented an alternative for you,if you are both willing to open your minds and forget set roles.Your husband has refused to work,if you like fast and pray,if you like nag till your eyes fall out,he will only do what he wants.Youve even tried starvation,where has it led you?

See eh,why will you allow anyone to give you premature high bp or cause you to grow grey hair for no just cause.The fact is you are giving yourself excess stress with all the nagging and anger while he's balancing and enjoying the good life.Very soon you will start looking like his mother while he's fresh like tomato.

This whole energy you are expending trying to deal with him is better spent on updating your skills,starting a biz for yourself and trying to build a safety net for you and the kids.

Since he's happy being at home,he should be doing chores and taking care of the kids without complaining while you are hustling.If he doesn't like that style,he should get a job.My point is give him something to do - tending to the home is not easy,with all the cleaning cooking and washing to do.There's no point in him being at home totally useless and jobless ontop..Let him do the homefront to keep busy. Ofcourse you will be giving him pocket money for all his efforts OR at the end of the month you both balance the family books and then you each get at least 500 naira for beer and nkwobi.

You may make peace with this sort of lifestyle if you are open to it.Some modern marriages run this way without wahala.If you look around you,you will see many people in the same situation and a lot of times,these men never get jobs.I think you should make the best of it in the mean time instead of living in constant misery.Yes,you can be sending out his cv & stuff and encouraging him to find something to do but my own is what happens now now? Let him be the home manager.He may love it,you never know.

Jahblessme:
@yebo36

E be like say fear don enter your body

What is the real definition of marriage?It is whatever you want your marriage to be,what your vision is.Only you can decide that and make it what you want it to be.Remember what works for A may not work for B so looking at other people may send you to an early grave.Its better you and your spouse do whats best for both of you and forget conforming to what society has said marriage must be.

That is why I presented an alternative for you,if you are both willing to open your minds and forget set roles.Your husband has refused to work,if you like fast and pray,if you like nag till your eyes fall out,he will only do what he wants.Youve even tried starvation,where has it led you?

See eh,why will you allow anyone to give you premature high bp or cause you to grow grey hair for no just cause.The fact is you are giving yourself excess stress with all the nagging and anger while he's balancing and enjoying the good life.Very soon you will start looking like his mother while he's fresh like tomato.

This whole energy you are expending trying to deal with him is better spent on updating your skills,starting a biz for yourself and trying to build a safety net for you and the kids.

Since he's happy being at home,he should be doing chores and taking care of the kids without complaining while you are hustling.If he doesn't like that style,he should get a job.My point is give him something to do - tending to the home is not easy,with all the cleaning cooking and washing to do.There's no point in him being at home totally useless and jobless ontop..Let him do the homefront to keep busy. Ofcourse you will be giving him pocket money for all his efforts OR at the end of the month you both balance the family books and then you each get at least 500 naira for beer and nkwobi.

You may make peace with this sort of lifestyle if you are open to it.Some modern marriages run this way without wahala.If you look around you,you will see many people in the same situation and a lot of times,these men never get jobs.I think you should make the best of it in the mean time instead of living in constant misery.Yes,you can be sending out his cv & stuff and encouraging him to find something to do but my own is what happens now now? Let him be the home manager.He may love it,you never know.

As hard as it is for me to accept what you are saying, you are making sense. Yes i have seen a lot of marriage this way and I remember telling myself my own will never be like this. Thanks

Can you give an estimate of his contribution to the family since January 2015?

Who paid the rent? Electricity bill?


Some are jobless but they still get some perks somehow.

Truth is I've never met a family man who contributes ZERO naira to the upkeep of his family all year round.


Are you a Christian? What's the capacity of your Church, large or small? If your church capacity is too large with exorbitant services, please change that church and attend a small or medium-sized gathering where you can always meet your pastor (without passing through irrelevant protocol) for timely guidance and of course prayers.

Your husband needs a 'push,' since your effort is failing, someone else has to try.


Some are surviving with less than N30,000/monthly. My concern isn't even about the low pay, rather its about the need for him to jointly build his family with substantial contributions.

The reason you're still supportive is because you earn a paltry N30,000. By this time tomorrow when your income must have risen to say N300,000/monthly, it won't make any difference as your husband's zero contribution will in fact cause a total distaste. N300,000 is enough to want you to get a divorce and a sugar boy. So before it gets to that stage, something needs to change.

Acidosis:
Can you give an estimate of his contribution to the family since January 2015?

Who paid the rent? Electricity bill?


Some are jobless but they still get some perks somehow.

Truth is I've never met a family man who contributes ZERO naira to the upkeep of his family all year round.


Are you a Christian? What's the capacity of your Church, large or small? If your church capacity is too large with exorbitant services, please change that church and attend a small or medium-sized gathering where you can always meet your pastor (without passing through irrelevant protocol) for timely guidance and of course prayers.

Your husband needs a 'push,' since your effort is failing, someone else has to try.


Some are surviving with less than N30,000/monthly. My concern isn't even about the low pay, rather its about the need for him to jointly build his family with substantial contributions.

The reason why you're still supportive is because you earn a paltry N30,000. By this time tomorrow when your income must have risen to say N300,000/monthly, it won't make any difference as your husband's zero contribution will in fact cause a total distaste. N300,000 is enough to want you to get a divorce and a sugar boy. So before it gets to that stage, something needs to change.

A bag of rice
School fee for the first time since our daughter started school
Two kegs of Palm oil
A crate of eggs
Paid water and light bill twice. That's all for this year so far.

As for the church, i was the one who talked him out of the one we were attending to winners living faith.
My reasons was that, with our state we were better than the founder of the church. I was wondering who will encourage who?

With all the fasting, deliverance, 7days dry fasting the church didn't not move. It's not a yard stick quite alright but I felt we needed to be in an environment that will challenge us especially my husband. So we go to winners now

yebo36:


A bag of rice
School fee for the first time since our daughter started school
Two kegs of Palm oil
A crate of eggs
Paid water and light bill twice. That's all for this year so far.

As for the church, i was the one who talked him out of the one we were attending to winners living faith.
My reasons was that, with our state we were better than the founder of the church. I was wondering who will encourage who?

With all the fasting, deliverance, 7days dry fasting the church didn't not move. It's not a yard stick quite alright but I felt we needed to be in an environment that will challenge us especially my husband. So we go to winners now

I think you made a good decision about the change of church. What we hear a times affects our thoughts and overall productivity. What needs to be done now is leveraging on the impact of the church.

Your husband has done his best, the best however is certainly not good enough.

Is he a member of Nairaland?

TV01
Nashville
Pickabeau1

Attention needed here as well . . Thank you

I don't even know where to start

I only posted because of tearoses


He may have been demoralized by the employment situation BUT he does not have the luxury of stewing on his emotions

He has to get up

He may not like teaching and I understand tearoses point on a teacher teaching without passion however passion isof two types

One that is inborn and the other which comes from fulfillment

Someone has suggested working in construction, another is agriculture where he can intern in a farm and then the issue of capital will now be the issue

And if he is seen as a diligent fellow, who knows the doors that can open

BUT he has to get up

If this woman is snatched by another man who does not mind after two (some people will not mind raising the kids sef )


Dyt.. good suggestion.. He has to be pragmatic here

pickabeau1:


If this woman is snatched by another man who does not mind after two (some people will not mind raising the kids sef )


Dyt.. good suggestion.. He has to be pragmatic here

I feel like singing you a song

Yebo36
Is your husband still home?


Seriously I feel you
I am emotional too
Yes I pitied mine
Did everything, in fact gave money so he wouldn't think
I tell him don't worry let me be the one to worry and think for you, just blv everything will get back to normal.
Did it get better with that?
Hell no cos he got spoiled
He left all for me
I would ask my mum and brothers for money, I would hustle and someday I woke up like seriously
This dude not even helping
He's only doing with mouth
Yes I know he was feeling bad but that won't put food on our table
We need to be one to give our child the best
Don't gimme excuses
Get up and do something

Didn't starve him with food
But I made him realise he's a man and I won't hesitate to be the head if he fails to hold as the head
I bruised his ego not cos I want to but I need a hard working man
I took up job of 25k a month
Monday through Sunday
I was almost accepting a cleaning job just to keep my family going
But in all of this I was the only one fighting
I got fed up
I had it and I pushed hissss black assssssss out*to get a job ni oo*

Something's are taken with strict measures



To add to it, I got advances from men
I was almost onsidering
That's how bad it was
I even asked these men for money *ashamed*
I just wanted everything to work out fine

Pls and pls push till he goes
He has to bring money home
If na bricklayer make he do
After all does he know the jobs you do to feed him?

yebo36:
Thank you all for the advice, I will walk on them and still open to more. God bless you all.

let him try and get a teaching job in any secondary school, especially private school.

also this is the time for him to reach out to his friends and probably old classmates for help with a job.

he can link up with them on Facebook or LinkedIn.

And don't give up. let him know you are with him all the way.

all the best.

Dyt... touching experience

God is your strength

pickabeau1:
Dyt... touching experience

God is your strength

Clown


I blv one way or the other marriages has its up and down
But some are not redeemable *deep sigh*
Not saying OPs situation ooo

Dyt you are a strong woman please edit your story.

This is nairaland with wicked malicious people who will take your story shared with good intentions and abuse you when they disagree with you.

Dyt,

What an experience

You are one strong lady and you are one of the very real people around. I love reading from you.

Eketem:
Dyt you are a strong woman please edit your story.

This is nairaland with wicked malicious people who will take your story shared with good intentions and abuse you when they disagree with you.

Hehehehe
Abuse me?

I have more than enough touching expriences posted here
Real life oooo

Not afraid to share
At some points in our lives we are never scared of anything

She needs the courage to stay strong
Push and I'd you can't push again atleast you know you tried


Thanks for your concern
I appreciate

babygirlfl:
Dyt,

What an experience

You are one strong lady and you are one of the very real people around. I love reading from you.

Dancing
I am.a superstar

I got a feeling - BEP