₦airaland Forum

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Hehe.... This piece cracked me up honestly. The part of his friend begging... Epic. So fiction or real though?

This guy is a real definition of madness

hahaha... chief sweetus, happy survival!

Hahahahahahaha.. This piece needs to be moved to frontpage oooo...
Lalasticala. Ur attention est needest. Clue from yuzedo.

Yuzedo,

Nice one Mate.. Your boldness is recherché

The high-points:

Here are some of the things I achieved in 6-seconds:

- New Law of Velocity.

- Space between Point X and Y-axis (or whY axis because I was like WHY ME FORGOSSAKE!!!)

- All the fine girls my ghost will go peeping at while they bath (Being a ghost ain't such a bad thing ya knoe)

Yuzedo! Di Reeta dumminik!

. All the fine girls my ghost will go peeping at while they bath (Being a ghost ain't such a bad thing ya knoe)

Jus lookat ya life?

I was practically rotfl as I read through the post...Chief Sweetus, you wi not ki me with laff.

Lol..... Whoever eats their party rice sef.

Lol @'May we not miss our burial rices'-Yuzedo

Lmfao!!! Chief Sweetus ezz back
Thank God you escaped

Ok

This piece is orgasmic..

How this MF blends seriousness with jokes is still an unsolved mystery till this day.

I laughed all through! Thank God for your heart of hearts.

So you told the man to 'open it'.. And he opened it and you enter baa?


I see..

mehn I thank God for you o but please endeavour to always leave your work place early. At least for Riri's sake

yuzedo:
"A Good Death Is Its Own Reward." - Bushido (Samurai Code)

Yesterday, as I contemplated my impending death by gunshot, I concluded I would get neither a good death nor any reward in the hands of my would-be assailants.

Yesterday, I experienced first-hand the feeling of helpless doom that many victims of Robbers face before their gruesome demise, mine made worse by two facts;

1. My situation was completely avoidable.
2. I had only seconds before my contemplation, been filled with hope of escape that now showed itself false.

For many reasons, 2016 has seen me form the bad habit of leaving my Ikoyi office late. Unless I have football or gym, it is okay to stay past 12am and I do so with thoughtless satisfaction. "I don't have a wife (or kids) I am rushing home to", is how I rationalize my behavior, never mind that my babe (The Stainless) stays anticipating my return for the banter and bonding we enjoy most evenings I do return early (11pm).

Like the ominous build-up to a thriller movie, I saw two weapon-wielding sons-of-the-night at Anthony Village Bus stop on my way home from work on Monday. The time was 12.30am.

Yesterday night being Tuesday, my colleague who left at 12.30am called me some minutes later to warn me on the danger that waited at Anthony Village, just adjacent Newcastle Hotel. Apparently, he had been chased off the Service Lane, cut off, and a gun-totting criminal had tried to force his way into the car, our man escaping only by sheer grace, and Jason Statham-esque driving (never mind that in reality, he probably was let off in disgust due to bawling with snot running down his nose while begging to be spared, as the only child of his mother and their landlord).

So in my first wrong decision of the night, I left the Island at 1am rather than just sleep in the office.

As I drove, I thought about everyone who would enjoy my delicious burial rice if I did die, and I gnashed my teeth at the prospect of missing my own delicious burial rice. May we not miss our burial rices!! (sic)

Anyway, as I approached the spot, I cut out my headlights and scanned the area. With no threat in sight, I proceeded into the narrow Service Lane and was about to exploit all 256HP of my V6 engine when I saw the criminals ahead, smack in the middle of the road, approaching me.

Fam, I swerved like a motherfucker into the street on the right, they neva espperit!

Alas, what I saw next proved that IT WAS I WHO NEVER ESPERRIT.

The road had been barricaded.

Oh God. I was so weak I shed a tear.

These illiterates played me like chess. General Eisenhower would have been proud of such brilliant strategy and masterful execution!

I stopped the car in the middle of the road, unsure of what to do. Reversing to meet these devils was out of the question; seeing as a car in reverse gear severely lacks the momentum necessary for tactical evasion.

I was just thinking about my Obituary; 10 November 1997 - 30 March 2016 (On God, I am just 19yrs. In unrelated news, my Football Trials with Leeds United are in April).

Thankfully I had peed at the office before I left, a contingency move because If I was going to die, I wasn't going to be a dead guy with wet pants, bruh.

Three guys stood up at the barricade. One began approaching me.

Brethren, 45-seconds per Aptitude Test question is too long! A gun to the head will accelerate applicant's problem-solving performance by 73%. It is science.

Despite never offering Physics or Further Maths, I used 6-seconds to calculate all calculatables! Can I squeeze through the sides? Can I muster enough momentum to blast through the barrier? Will my car get stuck on top of a fresh corpse? I mean, I knew I was going to die, but I didn't know which of the three guys at the barricade I was going to take with me.

Here are some of the things I achieved in 6-seconds:

- New Law of Velocity.

- Space between Point X and Y-axis (or whY axis because I was like WHY ME FORGOSSAKE!!!)

- All the fine girls my ghost will go peeping at while they bath (Being a ghost ain't such a bad thing ya knoe)

Anyway, 6-seconds up, and the left hemisphere of my brain was like fam, be cool, it could be vigilantes. The right hemisphere cautioned me, bruh, don't listen to that side of your brain. Where was it when you were writing WAEC?! The two hemispheres subsequently got into a heated argument, leaving me worse than 6-seconds ago.

Fück my life.

It was a 50-50 sturvz.

Then the HEART of HEARTS aka Obi Dike aka Obi Kalaka aka Obi Agu 1 of my body intervened. "Eschew thy trepidation. Jammeth not these men who might be innocent guardians of the night. Spoileth not thy car in an attempt to "blascatter" the barricade. I am thy heart. If thou hasn't died of heartbreak from any and all of thy motherfucking exes, then trusteth thou me."

Ah! My courage restored real quick at that cos forreal, my heart has held me down like TIP through all (FUTILE) attempts at heartbreak.
But in the moment, I had to act decisively.

Monitoring their hands for any fast move, I wound down my window.

"Open it." I said to the man nearest me, pointing at the barricade.

He stared at me, hesitant.

"Open it!" I repeated with cool determination.

He signaled to his men. The barricade was cleared.

Oh my sweet Jesus! See turbo power!!! YOLO bitches!! I fücked out of that spot with the quickness!!! No time to acknowledge the fear slowly creeping back into my heart as my brain took over once more. To the left, a car approached; I sped past it, heart beating as I contemplated every side street I knew in the vicinity in the eventuality of a car chase.

Nna mehn, the less than 1km distance to my house was further than Lagos - Kano in a decrepit Datsun station wagon. Time stood still like kilode?!

I got home at 1.40am, thankful to be alive, and resolute on leaving the office at 6pm latest henceforth. I intend to keep that resolution.

- J.J. Yuzedo (Chief of Chiefs), 8.59pm, Ikoyi, Lagos

hmmmm Rita dominic's husband

This crap is fiction, the mods should move it to the Literature Section

yuzedo:
"A Good Death Is Its Own Reward." - Bushido (Samurai Code)

Yesterday, as I contemplated my impending death by gunshot, I concluded I would get neither a good death nor any reward in the hands of my would-be assailants..m

- J.J. Yuzedo (Chief of Chiefs), 8.59pm, Ikoyi, Lagos

My bloda, you still dey this world?

Hope you're good.

motherfucker:
hmmmm Rita dominic's husband

And you had to quote everything?

ziddy:
This crap is fiction, the mods should move it to the Literature Section

Shut your yak before the mods shut it for you. Odofion like you

MoltenMagma:
Shut your yak before the mods shut it for you. Odofion like you

Nairaland superstar Get a life

Epic literary prowess has always been thy forte. This write up reeks of brilliance. Thanks for the comic relief.

Honestly it would have been loads better if you had just told us the story straight without the dilly dallying and I don't know, unrelated references.
I know you are chief but this is just not one of those because boring.

ziddy:
Nairaland superstar Get a life

Says the one who can't read

I can't hold it in fam! Yuzedo is the craziest werey I've ever come across. if I can be half as skilled at writing as you are,I'd win a Nobel Prize for Literature.
.
..."YOLO bitches!!".

Story...

Being a ghost is not a bad thing because you will peep fine girls bathing? happy survival chief

Very funny piece....

Hahahahahah, very funny piece, it really made my night

crazy funny... lovely write up....