₦airaland Forum

kinginvalhala4:
You re Luci-fer?

Lucianna

I don't hav time to read dis

Nice one bro.. You murdered it! got me cracking all along

IamLucy:
Lucianna

Ooppss, please pardon me for incorrectly calling your name. You re a Nigerian? Your name doesn't seem as one.

Good morning my lady!

Bluette:
Laffn. because am happy.. #singing in pharrels voice. Lol.
What kind of feeling is dat one.? Am happy o.

Lol, now I can feel the happiness and joy in you.

How come today is the first I'm ever seeing your moniker on Nairaland, you doesn't frequent?

Hope your day is going splendidly well?

kinginvalhala4:
Ooppss, please pardon me for incorrectly calling your name. You re a Nigerian? Your name doesn't seem as one.

Good morning my lady!

Yes i am and top of the morning to you too

Guy pls try to open a blog.your style of writing is unique.This was how naijasinglegirl started.i've gone through some of the topics in your profile and all i can say is that you are talented.

male version of naijasingle girl you both should get married

CaptainEColeJnr:
I also wrote uniben post ume .. August last year.. mine went smoothly except for bastard idiots that called me while I was bouncing in BDPA ,probably they knew I was a post umite, so they probably wanted to milk me,and a generator happened to be missing in the hostel where I lodged,so any new face was a suspect, and here I was being a potential 'suspect'.. .. and one was threatening to break my leg.. and here was four guys trying to accuse me of stealing the Gen .. lol.. as a sharp guy! I held my cool.. cuz na Confra guys, and I know they just wan intimidate me,but thank God sey na my Nokia 210 dey my pocket, dem no fit take am 4rm me cuz the fone na scrap.. after so much interrogation, dem just give up because I show no fear

At the end of the day.. I kuku buy gala for them and I wrote my post ume and ran back to Kano. lol

ksslib nice one!

Kano man, with this your sharpness, e be like sey you be sabon gari base

kinginvalhala4:
Lol, now I can feel the happiness and joy in you.

How come today is the first I'm ever seeing your moniker on Nairaland, you doesn't frequent?

Hope your day is going splendidly well?

We thank God

kinginvalhala4:
Hmmmm, pretty miss!

thank you

Oooh. You are very good... Nice write up..I enjoyed the story ...funny ...pls I need to read more of ur stories...we could publish them together ....even own ur publis company

Ksslib

Ure lucky it wasn't ekosodin. I stayed in ekosodin for 6 years before I graduated from Uniben. Let's say that nokia 210 fflw u enter Ekosodn u no goo see am again. Those guys are WICKED. Dem obtain me 3 times for their. But d bad tin wt BDPA is that both in the Day, & At night, them they obtain

CaptainEColeJnr:
I dey fear dat place die... abeg ooo

What a nice presentation with great humuor! Literally u won my great applaud bro! If I must advise; pLease don't limit ur literal journey here! U are superb!

NarnieSnyper:
My first PUTME was a disaster. I didnt even bother to check my score.

FUTO thank u for making me feel like a dummy over and over till i conquered.

Moral lesson: Never say Never

I'm also in FUTO

Ksslib:
Stepping out,that faithful morning, in the month of August with The University of Benin in mind, to scatter the much awaited PUME, little did I know that a very unpleasant event was going to take shine away from my Pume.

Nice Write-up..I hope Uniben finally granted you/grants you the admission because it sounds like you deserve it....If they don't, contact me let's work something out. Even if na Uniben Teaching Hospital or Uselu Psychiatric Hospital....you deserve to be admitted because you are crazy mehn!.....Nice one ‎

jordinsparkles:
thank you

*smiles*
How re you doing my lady?

Bluette:
We thank God

*smiles*
Please, do you mind I ask if you know about the upcoming miss Nairaland 2016 contest?

IamLucy:
Yes i am and top of the morning to you too

Hmmmm, the name seem more European.
Beautiful name I must admit though, wouldn't mind naming my future daughter same.

Hope your day is going splendidly well?

jboy73:
I'm also in FUTO

Nice! Welcome aboard, partner #Military salute#

kinginvalhala4:
*smiles*
How re you doing my lady?

fine thank you and you?

jordinsparkles:
fine thank you and you?

Good to know you re OK.
Mine? bouncing like a baby. #ThankGodItsWeekend

My signature, is this pretty friend of mine aware of the contest?

Mzlarem come nd read story

DharmyYinks:
Mzlarem come nd read story

present sir.

Ksslib:
Stepping out,that faithful morning, in the month of August with The University of Benin in mind, to scatter the much awaited PUME, little did I know that a very unpleasant event was going to take shine away from my Pume.

Immidiately i entered the school premises, I quickly folded my printed pume slip that was visible from the back pocket and hid it out of sight,smell and touch. This was simply because, i didn't want a situation where, I had to choose between the exam that brought me here, and using my Kung-fu skills to destroy the idiot that addressed me as "Jambito". So to avoid casualties and potential loss of human lives, I avoided making any move that gave the impression I was a Jambite.

I was so committed to keeping my vow that, when a Jambite like myself approached me for direction towards ICT center, i unknowingly directed him towards a bushy dead end where, according to my now roomates,all you needed was a mere five steps to burst out in Ghana.

I got to my venue and heard some students lamenting on how we needed our jamb original slip to be allowed into the hall. The thought of dashing Jamb 1k so early in the morning ontop the 43 they gave me in Use of english almost drove me to tears. The moment I stepped foot into the complex close to Main gate, all the cafe owners and their agents who have been specially trained to convince you on why at-least a photocopy a day increases your life span, descended on me. All i kept hearing was "Correct guy,come photocopy ur jamb and pume slip for my shop".. 10 were dragging my Leg to the North, 15 were busy with my arm,pulling it to far West. I didn't know which was more painful: the fact that I was getting ripped apart from different directions, or that it didn't take these people seconds to expose the secret i swore to protect with my life the moment i hid my pume slip at Main gate.

We were soon seated at the venue, Mtn Digital library. The exam was CBT and the room had more than enough computers to service us. The Library was lavished with air conditioners which were now tirelessly working round the clock to cool my aggravated temper. My stomach began to make this funny noise. "Abeg oh! Behave ur self. Today is a very important day" I warned silently,pinching my intestine to send a clear message that I wasn't in the mood for mind games. It was when I heard the same noise seconds later, only this time, twice as loud, I realised this was an alarm that could only be snoozed by the toilet. The toilet wasnt too far from the entrance so when i entered, I couldn't shhit in peace all cos I was afraid the noise my poo was going to create would draw attention or worst of all, disrupt the network signal we were going to use for the exam. What will i tell the VC and the disciplinary committee?

So I did my thing codedly, and on coming out, I saw this fine yellow paw paw girl cat-walking into the same toilet I just left looking like a scene from AMC's "The walking dead". Instantly, i knew she wasn't going to make it, so i bowed my head and silently prayed Heaven accepts her soul. I came back into the hall feeling relieved and in no time, we were done with the exam which lasted for 60mins. Asides the over sabi seated next to me who nearly used his heavy duty rock of ages 12th century caterpillar boot to switch-off my computer, there was no other indication during the course of the exam that suggested my village people sneaked thier way into the exam hall to monitor my progress.

I was seated at the back in the shuttle bus that was to take me home when my stomach made this noise that sounded like i had DJ Jimmy jat and Khaled trapped in my bowels & they were protesting their release via music. The next thing i felt, was something trying to run out of my jeans from the back... Something familiarly unpleasant. Oh shiiit!!

I ran out of the Bus that was yet to get filled. My destination, a tutorial center opposite the school gate. I got there and was told they didn't have a toilet and before I could ask them if they had an anus, an elderly man directed me to a transport company just outside. I got there and the Manager pleaded with me that somebody just took the key. At this point, I was already sweating...sweating profusely. My vision was getting blurred and i could feel the poo forcefully trying to escape with a very very strong warning "If you try run ehn, we go fall comot yakata. So respect yasef and walk like a gentleman".. I wanted to run to the next plaza but respected the shiit's command. Afterall, I was the one being held at gunpoint.

I forgot shame ever existed and kept pleading from shop to shop but kept hearing the same "No Key" story. It was that day I knew what Brother Oghenevare Jeremiah went through when he said in chaper 17 verse19 that, "The heart of man is desperately wicked". If an Angel had appeared and asked i choose between "automatic Heaven and a toilet", the answer would have been pretty obvious. I can always work my salvation later, the legal way.

I was this close to squatting in the middle of a busy street to offload, while making sure my head was wrapped in a black nylon. Afterall, nobody will see my face, and para-venture the street people broke in a hot pursuit, not even my shadow shall thy see,for my legs shall carry thee far far away before thy caputureth me. But just when I lost all hope and wanted to collapse and die, I saw a light at the end of the tunnel. For the book of Mathew 7:7(New living translation) says" "Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find". Brother Oghenetega Matthew was indeed right, because, right in front of me, less than a kilometer away, was what I seeked.

I met this fair pretty lady of average height at her Mother's shop, realyed my predicament and she told me using their toilet wasnt't an option, as her Dad was around. Rather, she showed me their Backyard where I could do my thing. I couldn't believe my ears. I nearly broke down in tears of appreciation, but held my tears halfway, cos considering how high my body pressure was, coupled with how swollen skinny me now looked,it wouldn't come as a surprise if the space meant for tears has since been occupied by my desperate poo.

I jogged into the big compound and found a perfect spot behind this harvested plantain tree, pulled my jean, but as I was about to drop, I saw this mighty elephant Dog charging toward me. Jisoooos! It all happened so fast. I wanted to run but was relieved when I saw a chain restraining it. I changed location just to be safe should incase the dog manages to convince the chain to let it go. I squatted, and the moment the first came out, I felt a feeling no word could describe. I was weeping and shiiting. Tears of joy. I began offloading and farting at the same time, but the Dog was looking visibly pissed by that action. It barked in rage,louder and louder with every fart, and at a point, I knew it was going to lose it's voice if it didnt accept defeat. The Dog eventually threw in the towel and kept quiet when it was clear i had a battalion of stored farts in my bowels eager to keep me in the lead.

I already had a plan mapped out should the Dog's barks draw the pretty lady's Dad's attention to the backyard. Use my rubber band as catapult, shiit as stone & temporarily blind him just to give me enough time to fly the fence and continue shitting in the next compound before he even gets the opportunity to shout "Thief Thief". But thank God, he never came. My idea of fame didn't include being dragged naked around a street in that hot afternoon with poo smeared all over my body. That's not my portion in Jesus name.

I was done and went to meet the pretty lady. Funny enough, I was beginning to feel ashamed after the spirit of shiiit left me. I thanked her severally, then brought out my wallet and gave her 500naira as a token of my sincere appreciation but she refused. I tried to convince her, but she still held her ground. So I dropped the money on the table, took something worth N50naira and walked away a happy man before she could even protest.

You know, ah was actually looking for a point where you would indicate dhat you now a 100L law student or English student!
Ah mean bro, your ability to put these write-up in such an enticing manner dhat ah didn't even know when ah read dha whole story dhat First appeared "voluminous and impossible to read" shows you 100% stupendous,!! ..

Nice one bro...
Keep dha flag flying..





# please , I'll appreciate you tell us dha Department you're now... Thanks!

jazinogold:
Greatest of the Greatest Uniben Students! Great!

Its your boi Harry Potter, Hall 4 Legend!

Chisos! So you are the Harry Potter


Baba,your boy dey loyal...your name still dey sound for here!

kinginvalhala4:
Hmmmm, the name seem more European.
Beautiful name I must admit though, wouldn't mind naming my future daughter same.

Hope your day is going splendidly well?

aww.that'd be so cute it went well tho .thanks for asking.

MrWhaley:
Chisos! So you are the Harry Potter


Baba,your boy dey loyal...your name still dey sound for here!

I hail Bro... am still loyal o!

I miss Uniben sha!

kinginvalhala4:
*smiles*
Please, do you mind I ask if you know about the upcoming miss Nairaland 2016 contest?

I m not sure but I do c "I support ds and dat" for mz nairaland. Why do u ask?

IamLucy:
aww.that'd be so cute it went well tho .thanks for asking.

You can say that again sweetie.

Sorry I have been busy, still awake?

Bluette:
I m not sure but I do c "I support ds and dat" for mz nairaland. Why do u ask?

Hmmmm I will gladly tell you more about it, if you oblige me.

I'm asking because I would love to bring you to my team and together let's make "our" contestant ends up victorious. please, don't say no, I'm counting on you already.