₦airaland Forum

thorpido:
Op,you need to get a source of income first of all.It doesn't have to be a paid job.You can learn to trade. Or if you don't have a flair for that,learn hair dressing or something that can bring in daily income.

I don't know if your husband can change,though some do change but I wouldn't want you to waste your time in a loveless marriage.I believe in prayer but I'll rather pray for a mango tree to bear mango fruits rather than praying for the mango tree to produce guava.

Your foundation was faulty.If a man doesn't love a woman,it's hard for him to,even in marriage.

I write for you single ladies,take your time to have a proper foundation before marriage.Let your boyfriend be shown to love you and be committed before deciding to marry him.Ensure he has some stability,family-wise.I advise against not marrying a man who has no stability family-wise.Someone who does not have a good role model.Someone who does not have anyone he looks up to in a family.Someone who has no 'father-figure'.

I want to know why you married him at 22/23 yrs of age like someone asked.

I wonder what will push me into marriage at this age
How I'm I supposed to enjoy my youthfulness in marriage,someone will just turn to old mama Lolz.....

@OP I think you should listen to everyone here,get something doing that can cater for you and your kids.
Live with this man as flat mates,decide whether to leave him by divorcing or stay behind and celebrate 50 years of marriage in agony .

baby124:
Let me give you some pearls of wisdom:

People marry for several reasons. Some for love, age, beauty, security or kids. Not everyone gets married for love. In fact in my observation most don't. But the most important factor that probably keeps most marriages going is respect and a willingness to work on the marriage. Also a willingness to be selfless and change what is obviously sabotaging that marriage.

One thing I have learnt in life is that there are all kinds of people. A majority of people lack deep thought. If you are a thoughtful person you will realize this. A lot of us are shallow and act without truly thinking. We also mostly act selfishly. When you truly realize this you will know how to handle people more. The things they do will not hurt you. Instead you would look at things from a practical angle and decide what you want to do.

Also, another factor that most people don't understand is mental illness. We Nigerian's tend to try to explain an obvious mental instability. A person that constantly puts you down and degrades you is not mentally ok. A person that cannot empathize or lacks empathy, is not mentally ok. A person that can attempt to sleep with your sister, is not mentally ok. A person that willingly puts those around him, their health and safety is jeopardy is not mentally ok. A man that cannot listen to his father, will not make a good role model as a father. That is if the father is a good man. We don't know the reason for that rift.

At the end of the day, we have the power to decide what we accept in our lives. You have to be selfish about yourself to survive in this life. But not selfish to the point where you hurt other's. Just selfish enough to know your limits and know you cannot change anyone. You also must have a plan for your future. If you have a plan for your life my dear, anything trying to derail that plan will quickly be thrown away.

Lastly, dont let a man with obvious mental and self esteem issues bring you down to his level. You look in the mirror and know you are not ugly. He says that to keep a hold of you to abuse you for his own sick desires. He keeps you there with abuse to have someone to frustrate when he is frustrated. You came to this world alone, and you will be buried alone. The path to your happiness and fulfillment does not lie in any human's hands. Be wise and wake up.

cococandy:
Dumbass

byvan03:
Thorpido what's wrong with marrying at 22-23yrs?

thorpido:
Actually,the problem is not with the age but the Nigerian environment.The average girl at that age in Nigeria lives in fantasy.Many are yet to get a grip of what marriage entails and see it as a getaway or a means of material gains.

thorpido:
Actually,the problem is not with the age but the Nigerian environment.The average girl at that age in Nigeria lives in fantasy.Many are yet to get a grip of what marriage entails and see it as a getaway or a means of material gains.

baby124:
Let me give you some pearls of wisdom:

People marry for several reasons. Some for love, age, beauty, security or kids. Not everyone gets married for love. In fact in my observation most don't. But the most important factor that probably keeps most marriages going is respect and a willingness to work on the marriage. Also a willingness to be selfless and change what is obviously sabotaging that marriage.

One thing I have learnt in life is that there are all kinds of people. A majority of people lack deep thought. If you are a thoughtful person you will realize this. A lot of us are shallow and act without truly thinking. We also mostly act selfishly. When you truly realize this you will know how to handle people more. The things they do will not hurt you. Instead you would look at things from a practical angle and decide what you want to do.

Also, another factor that most people don't understand is mental illness. We Nigerian's tend to try to explain an obvious mental instability. A person that constantly puts you down and degrades you is not mentally ok. A person that cannot empathize or lacks empathy, is not mentally ok. A person that can attempt to sleep with your sister, is not mentally ok. A person that willingly puts those around him, their health and safety is jeopardy is not mentally ok. A man that cannot listen to his father, will not make a good role model as a father. That is if the father is a good man. We don't know the reason for that rift.

At the end of the day, we have the power to decide what we accept in our lives. You have to be selfish about yourself to survive in this life. But not selfish to the point where you hurt other's. Just selfish enough to know your limits and know you cannot change anyone. You also must have a plan for your future. If you have a plan for your life my dear, anything trying to derail that plan will quickly be thrown away.

Lastly, dont let a man with obvious mental and self esteem issues bring you down to his level. You look in the mirror and know you are not ugly. He says that to keep a hold of you to abuse you for his own sick desires. He keeps you there with abuse to have someone to frustrate when he is frustrated. You came to this world alone, and you will be buried alone. The path to your happiness and fulfillment does not lie in any human's hands. Be wise and wake up.

bukatyne:
If you were content loving him without him loving you back then, what changed now? And I don't believe you just noticed his cheating now.

To be honest, I don't think separation will do you any good. If you couldn't choose well at 23 when you were without kids, had the world at your feet and obviously more liable to seek romance, what is the probability you will choose well at 26 with 2 kids?

I will advise you to read baby124's post over and over again.

Forget his love, it wasn't important; strive for his respect and financial responsibility esp to the kids.

Get a source of income and stop engaging him from a supplicating or needy standpoint. Be more assertive (note I didn't say rude) and carry yourself with grace.

With time, he will behave better towards you; afterall, he has acknowledged you are a 'good' wife whom he doesn't just fancies/loves.

Goodluck.

Berbierklaus:
I wonder what will push me into marriage at this age
How I'm I supposed to enjoy my youthfulness in marriage,someone will just turn to old mama Lolz.....

@OP I think you should listen to everyone here,get something doing that can cater for you and your kids.
Live with this man as flat mates,decide whether to leave him by divorcing or stay behind and celebrate 50 years of marriage in agony .

Amelian:
So true. I nearly made that mistake at age 22
Thank God am strong willed and have mind of my own. My parents nearly pushed me to marry this 36year old guy and he so arrogant, proud and a huge sadist. Mehn, I ran for my life o after engagement. It was a horrible period. Thanks heavens I didn't get pregnant for him, he so wanted me to get preggy before white wedding. Mehn I saw the signs, mental abuse and all that shiit. I ran away.. Smmh, I wont allow one man mentally abuse me, cause he's so wealthy , with series of international awards and degrees. Who gives a fucvk! If u are not a human being, get the Fuccvk off!
Mehn op u try sha

thorpido:
It's good you left o.Quite a no of girls would have gone into it especially because of his status hoping he would change.

cococandy:
I got married at 23. I have no regrets about it.

cococandy:
I got married at 23. I have no regrets about it.

Amelian:
I wanted to marry early, be a dutiful wife and great mother to my kids early in life but unfortunately it didn't work out.

And as one would say, man proposes but God disposes. I then realized with the kind of job am doing. It will a take a great man with a great heart to support my career dreams and invest in me. God had where he was taking me to, and saw the mistake I made and realised it will change my course of destiny to where he wants me to be. I believe that's why the union didn't work. Mehn I thank God.

cococandy:
And this too

BTW how are you?

CFCman:
Wow
That's super early. I know a friend who got married at 22

bukatyne:
Splendid and you?

thorpido:
If I meet Cococandy at 23yrs and she says I want to marry now,I'll say, why not but if 'Amaka' at 23yrs says I want to marry now,I'll ask her, why do you?

cococandy:
Really? I didnt consider that super early until I came to NL. I even had suitors from when I was 19 but my mom insisted I graduate and complete NYSC first.

I think a lady at 21 is good enough for marriage as long as she is grounded upstairs.
However I can't deny the benefits of being more mature as one goes into marriage.

CFCman:
Interesting

If I were a parent, I'd insist that my daughter(s) reach 25 before getting married. But if their suitors seem to be responsible and emotionally mature men, and my daughter also displays maturity at a younger age, I wouldn't mind them getting married earlier.

OneManLegion:
A very chauvinistic and unintelligent comment. Get out!

Diplomaticbeing:
I'll always say it; people should endeavour to know their ethical philosophy - achieve self-illumination - and marry someone who share same ethical philosophy like them. Without this many people will always live in agony all in the name of marriage/relationship of any kind.

Situation like yours (OP) is even worst because you don't have any mechanism of authority over him, presently. He's (citing the character you pressented herein) the conceited, domineering and selfish type. While you came across as an effacing and altruistic type.

Since he doesn't appreciate your five fingers handshakes anymore, consider to reduce it (no more special care and attention) - but while on it, never disrespect him or fail to give him support to the best of your ability. Also neither nag him nor whine about him to any third party - this is to avoid giving out the only power you have now. Just don't enslave yourself to please him; that's my point. This is how to threat insatiable, ungrateful, opportunistic and prideful people. And while on that, try all your best to upgrade your economic and physical conditions.

After you achieved the above feats, believe you me, you would automatically have an attractive power (always remember to remain humble no matter your accomplishments. Conceit is God's gift to little people) that can attract him to come for renegotiation with you. There and then you lay down your principles and demand for a profound change of mentality from him - not a superficial face-lift.

Don't walk out from your marriage for now, work it out. But if the above steps failed in the end (it can only fail if he's insane), then a permanent separation/divorce is an option.


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ifemola:
He didn't feel remorse about it,rather he blame my mum. He never feels remorse after doing anything bad, even the day he nearly kill me,he didn't feel remorse even with my plead and tears,he never stop till he was tired. Am just afraid of starting over but equally tired of the marriage

darlingtito:
I feel your pain tho..buh since you noticed it while dating, you should have taken a walk and jus given ur kids the best dad..buh it's already done.so jus pray and don't lose yourself tryna please him.

cococandy:
Really? I didnt consider that super early until I came to NL. I even had suitors from when I was 19 but my mom insisted I graduate and complete NYSC first.

I think a lady at 21 is good enough for marriage as long as she is grounded upstairs.
However I can't deny the benefits of being more mature as one goes into marriage.

makelove2m:
Number one offence is to check ur hubby phone, that will make you loose confidence in him and thereafter generate to hatre, so, show more love as ever before, dress to impress him, give him more good food, i tell you, you will win him back, today girls loves married men, so ur husband is not alone...............