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If You're Not Ready For Heartbreaks, Never Start Up A Business - Business (8) - Nairaland

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Why You Should Never Start Affiliate Marketing / What's The One Thing You Still Manage To Buy When You're Broke? / What Business Can I Start Up With 200k (2) (3) (4)

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Re: If You're Not Ready For Heartbreaks, Never Start Up A Business by groomed: 11:30pm On Jan 31, 2019
Chidonc:

OK, paying formula for loans, don't attempt to pay everyone all At once, also assuming you are owing 3 people 450k at 150k each, while you have free 150k to settle one of them , don't, instead share it among 3 of them while they may not be totally happy but at least you would get all three of them off your neck for some time instead of just one person and the other two hanging.
yes, that is the approach i have been applying ever since. The next payment goes to three persons... Though I had focused on one person for long because his was the biggest.
Re: If You're Not Ready For Heartbreaks, Never Start Up A Business by Rubbiish(m): 11:31pm On Jan 31, 2019
IbrahimDamola:


I lost about 4 million due to lack of proper financial control. That money still dey pain me walahi. I would have been richer if I weren't that naive.

As for my future family and kids, It's because of them I'm basically fighting now. The future will be tougher when the kids start coming, so full and business expansion is needed now.

The reason why I'm still single is because I need a woman who is financially articulate as she is coming in to run some of the businesses and make us richer as we expand. I know former billionaires who became poor after marriage and I know poor men who became richer after marrying financially responsible women. My business mentor is one of them. He use to beg my dad for loans few decades ago, today he is a billionaire with houses scattered all over Lagos, Abuja Onitsha, Aba, Owerri. His wife was forte in his business.

As my Dad would say 'Marriage is a financial contract, whether you like it or not. That's why properties are shared and alimonies are paid during divorce'.
Your wife & children go collect!
So because u lost 4m u will no longer eat?
Who told u, u cannot lose money even when u are extra careful?
During my school days, a full truck load of goods worth 20m was burnt down by hoodlums protesting for one useless course...
Because u lost money shouldn't make u to start starving and denying yourself the basic necessities of life...u are missing it bro!
We have all lost money at one point or another, don't let yours cage u!

6 Likes

Re: If You're Not Ready For Heartbreaks, Never Start Up A Business by koyeni(m): 11:34pm On Jan 31, 2019
True talk
Re: If You're Not Ready For Heartbreaks, Never Start Up A Business by higgs: 11:36pm On Jan 31, 2019
All successful entrepreneurs have my respect.

9 Likes

Re: If You're Not Ready For Heartbreaks, Never Start Up A Business by Chidonc(m): 11:38pm On Jan 31, 2019
groomed:
yes, that is the approach i have been applying ever since. The next payment goes to three persons... Though I had focused on one person for long because his was the biggest.
best of luck sir
Re: If You're Not Ready For Heartbreaks, Never Start Up A Business by jacy346(f): 11:39pm On Jan 31, 2019
Koval12:
Wonderful thread. Spent over 4m to set up my supermarket business about two years ago. Till today, am still battling for stability. It's been one loss after another. Now am heartbroken because of expired goods totalling about 200k. Even people owing me don run comot
whenever your business get tough, try and get tougher you hear.

1 Like

Re: If You're Not Ready For Heartbreaks, Never Start Up A Business by IbrahimDamola: 11:44pm On Jan 31, 2019
Chidonc:

never collect interest loans to startup a business, rule number one.

Another smart talk. That's my rule of the thumb.
Loans are meant to expand businesses that are already up and running profitably.

Loans are not meant for start ups. I consider them poisons for start ups in Nigeria. It has killed many people.

10 Likes 2 Shares

Re: If You're Not Ready For Heartbreaks, Never Start Up A Business by JewelBukky(f): 11:45pm On Jan 31, 2019
Wooow! Best thread so far! Op you're so on point oo... Starting up a business whether big or small is not an easy something @ all.... !!! From running adverts, managing and tolerating customers, coping with losses etc...But with passion, prayer and perseverance, one would scale through... Kudos to all business/men and women out there... Especially upcoming ones... Our business will not die, it won't fail!!! Las las, our hustle go pay.

3 Likes

Re: If You're Not Ready For Heartbreaks, Never Start Up A Business by dimple571991(m): 11:51pm On Jan 31, 2019
For mini importation guide check my signature
Also I sell flash drive, OTG flash drive working on both computer system and smart phone, mechanical wristwatch, apparels, and other household accessories.
Check my signature for your orders
Re: If You're Not Ready For Heartbreaks, Never Start Up A Business by Nobody: 11:56pm On Jan 31, 2019
963AvatarSpirit:


You have what it takes, this is the very first step. Understanding that the Human Being is just a bio-electric robot, an empty shell ready for de-programming and re-programming for success or failure.

Every business MUST fail, except someone meticulously fights the gravitational syndrome by applying all of Moore's laws anti-gravitational powers plus a lot of more than the average human knows.

Success is war victory, and one must have a war winning strategy to build lasting generational wealth, not these instant wealth methodologies that fails once the primary executioner goes 6 feet. It is a template that kids must be trained on, and the grandkids must master. If not, they loose it all, and FAIL. Failure is the NORM, Success MUST be faught for, and constantly so.

Aside few like Mike Adenuga, Tony Elumelu, and now Otedula and Jim Ovia are learning it, they have been surviving on one strategy all these while, now they are learning, cos what they do now, cant survive this generation. Coca Cola, Walmart, Pepsi, IBM and Amazon use this template and you cant fail.

It is a model that every poor man that wants to grow must master, or Failure is guaranteed. Failure is the Norm, SUccess requires a War Strategy.

The motherffuckers can keep whinning and crying and complaining. Nothing is given. The road to success is paved with sweat, tears and blood, your sweat, your tears and your blood. And if you can not succeed, suicide is allowed. No mercy.

No Grace of God, can help you here. cool


Brotherly, this is really deep, I would like to know you outside nairaland. My name is Bob. CEO, Payfair Global Services. Hint me up on WhatsApp with this line. 08092807880

Remind me to take this down as soon as you get the number. Thanks for your prompt response.

1 Like

Re: If You're Not Ready For Heartbreaks, Never Start Up A Business by introvertme: 11:57pm On Jan 31, 2019
groomed:
lol.. pele... people like us wey take loan to start business nko? I have about 1,050,000 hanging on my head. we will be paying around 450k soon. Then, 500k few months from now. I had paid 700k between November to December lol.

Business is slow, these people need their money. The man who promised us disappointed us and so we had to start looking for our own customers to sell bit by bit

I don't have extra funds to run ads, otherwise, things would have moved pretty fast. I intend to buy a car for easy movement this year so I can reach a lot of communities.


Works for Marketing
Facebook ads
Influencer Marketing
Youtube Videos
Website
Flyers/Handbills
Jiji
]


And lots more.
community outreach.

What exactly is the business you do?

I'm a bit confused by your post.

Are those your proposed marketing strategy or your services.
Re: If You're Not Ready For Heartbreaks, Never Start Up A Business by OKEMKPI: 12:03am On Feb 01, 2019
Despite all these obvious reality,people still slay on facebook
Re: If You're Not Ready For Heartbreaks, Never Start Up A Business by Nobody: 12:38am On Feb 01, 2019
IbrahimDamola:


Lol...my brother, I used to be like. I use to think 'village people' were swallowing my money. So one day I decided was going to stop putting all my daily income in my purse, I started going home with only what I needed, threw away 3 ATM cards of my 4 bank accounts and left only where I paid myself salaries. I also got a POS, to discourage my hands from touching too much cash. In 3 years I was able to make 8 million in saving, yet sometimes na only N500 fit dey my Wallet. I even refused to buy a car and was hopping molue with 8 million sitting in my bank account, packed from a 2 bedroom flat to a selfcon. grin

Guy, I punished myself for all my previous wastages and extravagant expenses.

Financial Discipline is key o


You just told part of my own story...

I ran a joint Partnership Business with my boss, whom I served as an Apprentist for 7yrs. When he settled me, we embarked on a joint partnership business that ran for 18months. So, after we dissolved the partnership, I divided my own share from the business proceeds into three places and used 33.33% and started my business coupled with supplier's credit... Then, I invested the rest on a Fixed Deposit with my bank at 8% annual interest rate.

This Investment lasted for 9months before I terminated it and took it up to Treasury Bills where I got a better offer of 12.5 % while am making little savings and investing it up there together with my Bank's CD.

The idea is to save up to N20million by 2021 then use it to build a larger scale Supermarket, my business line.


So, it's not safe to bury money in the bank just lydat. You need to invest the principal and also reinvest the proceeds afterwards.

You could have made over extra 2 million if you had done this over the spate of time the money has been With your the bank. Honestly. And I am sure your account officer must be in love with you, treating you like a golden egg. You never know, they are making millions out from your money (ignorance)

When the sages say time is money, that's is exactly what they are talking about.

14 Likes 3 Shares

Re: If You're Not Ready For Heartbreaks, Never Start Up A Business by priceline32: 1:19am On Feb 01, 2019
Guys, Business is tough. The risks are monumental. You are the author of your fate. Only the strong will make it in business. I am a goat farmer and we have started an agro loan business.

I will say this first. The agro loan business to me is the biggest risk i have ever taken. Even though we have safety measures, It is still very risky. I wouldn't do it if it is not for my partners.

THIS IS WHAT WORKS FOR ME. I like to build things from ground up. I like things i can feel and can multiply. I only want to go to market if i want and not because i have to. In my goat ranch, i have enough goats i can afford for now and planning to increase the herd. Goats give birth to 2 mostly and 3 sometimes. So 200 females goats can literally double in a year. so in 2yrs i can have up to plus minus 550 goats from 200 females. And in 3yrs, do the math and add their kids that can now have a kid now. I have other dealings but this is the one i think everyone can easily grasp the magic for now.

I bought a huge land where land is dirt cheap. With 4m and the right mentor, you will be on your way with this business. Many billionaires work for many years underground. If i decide not to do the business, my land will still be appreciating and i can rent it out to other people farming different thing.

Superstore business to me will break you heart really quick if you don't understand it. unfortunately a lot of people rent a shop and fill it with goods and to them, they have started business. You are joking.

We need to stop this instant gratification mentality. Every big business person you see out there paid heavy dues. Hard work plus luck does the magic.

Money is in the little things we take for granted. A lot of people would have been stinking rich if they took the advantages in their village. But they will leave their village and rush to town. People who have made it don't give up secretes like that. Information is power.

Entrepreneurship is about solving problem. Look for a problem that is affecting a lot of people, find a solution and get paid. Importing shoes from China or creating IG OR FB page to sell things is not a sustainable thing to reply on. Copying will kill you.


Advice:
1. I believe in gradual growth. No quick way to make it in business. People will deceive you, praise you even though they know you are heading the wrong way.

2. Don't do what everyone is doing. What everyone else is doing will lead you to no where. They will lie that they are making money from it meanwhile they have another means of making money. Don't ever ever follow what everyone else is doing.

3. If you have decided to do business, just know that you have decided to open your heart for beatings and heart break. As a business man, your job is to constantly seek out what works and where it works for you. You business might work in lekki but will never work in Epe. So be ready and open minded to make that sacrifice.


4. Mentor. You need a mentor. Dont just go and borrow money and start something someone told you and you heard it is working. NO NO NO. You will die of high BP. Without the right people, no body will ever succeed. You always need the right people.

ONLY TUST THE ADVICE OF SOMEONE WHO HAS SUCCEEDED IN THE BUSINESS YOUR ARE PURSUING.

peace.

16 Likes 2 Shares

Re: If You're Not Ready For Heartbreaks, Never Start Up A Business by groomed: 1:20am On Feb 01, 2019
introvertme:


What exactly is the business you do?

I'm a bit confused by your post.

Are those your proposed marketing strategy or your services.
propose marketing strategy
Re: If You're Not Ready For Heartbreaks, Never Start Up A Business by concho(m): 2:00am On Feb 01, 2019
Omudia11:
That was a very wrong choice of business.
How can you spend 4m in opening a supermarket. I know businesses you can start with 1m and tripple that in a month.
Come sign documents with my lawyer . I will give you 200k for the info only. Then 1m for the business .
Am not doubting you, but this is Nigeria sir
Re: If You're Not Ready For Heartbreaks, Never Start Up A Business by concho(m): 2:35am On Feb 01, 2019
dancok:
have been seaching for people who give me links to any aba seller, i can't travel to aba but send money and like to receive my goods at my location, anybody with aba link?
You sound like a girl n not even like a woman not to talk of being a man. With this ur attitude, you will lose money everyday. Go read "richest man in Babylon " before anything else. you lack every quality a business psn should have . You want your business to pay you but you cant give her your time. I Was making 30k a month wen my mum was running my biz. I took over from her 5 months ago with 180k running capital. Today , I have 1.5m running capital. My account officer is begging me to come take a loan without collateral at 2% monthly interest . All these cos i put in my best in wat ever i do. I dnt trust anyone, not even my mum despite the fact that she thought me the business n gave me 180k for startup. Dnt ask me which biz, cos you wont get a reply . Every biz is lucrative, i served mum for 3 yrs to learn it, now am paying her rent ..........smiles

2 Likes 1 Share

Re: If You're Not Ready For Heartbreaks, Never Start Up A Business by concho(m): 2:41am On Feb 01, 2019
Chidonc:

OK, paying formula for loans, don't attempt to pay everyone all At once, also assuming you are owing 3 people 450k at 150k each, while you have free 150k to settle one of them , don't, instead share it among 3 of them while they may not be totally happy but at least you would get all three of them off your neck for some time instead of just one person and the other two hanging.
Exactly how Dabasir paid back his creditors n regained his freedom in Babylon .
#Richest man in Babylon
#Judge Clason
#Weldon sir
Re: If You're Not Ready For Heartbreaks, Never Start Up A Business by CaptainFM1: 2:54am On Feb 01, 2019
Koval12:
Wonderful thread. Spent over 4m to set up my supermarket business about two years ago. Till today, am still battling for stability. It's been one loss after another. Now am heartbroken because of expired goods totalling about 200k. Even people owing me don run comot

Rule #. Do not pump your personal money into supermarket and grocery stores...except for the building/structures alone.

Once you have your hall ready, go into contracts with suppliers...usually directly from the manufacturer/producer. Create a section/shelf for all of them and let them be supplying you. The contract will detail how and when they will be collecting their money. All you need to do is to add your little profit on every single items they supplied which should match your operating cost and expected revenue.

Any items expiring or have expired will be retrieved by them and replaced. But you don't want that to be happening to your suppliers, so you collect base on how many you can satisfactorily and comfortably sell. Another good advantage of this is that, you may not need to run around in trucks buying items in piecemeal. Just a phone call to your supplier, and they will come right delivering to you if your retails sells fast and makes quick money for them.

That's how mega stores operates. They don't go buying say....200milos, 250bournvitas, 150UAC breads et al, to stock up stores.... Depending on reputation, contract formalities may take 1 to 6months or more because both parties will want to have a level of trust and confidence in one another.

So list all the items out..., group them into: direct supply from: companies, retails and maybe just few you identify to purchase with your money just to keep the store look "filled up". Also, if you have enough free space, you rent a stand/shelf out to people selling items such as perfumes, make-ups and cosmetics. You collect rents on those. They all add up to fill the space.

The actual rule is: other peoples time, other peoples money, other peoples resources, other peoples this..., other peoples that. "Other peoples intellects"....If you can harness that too, the better. I've just giving you bit of mine now.

However, the golden rule is...."You will have to pay your fair price to other people's whatsoever"!

12 Likes

Re: If You're Not Ready For Heartbreaks, Never Start Up A Business by TakeMeTop: 3:27am On Feb 01, 2019
adonainana:
Starting your own business is crazy oooo, I help individuals, business and companies incorporate and register thier business online. Its been about a month now since i paid 20,000 Naira to Mr Seun Osewa Zenith Bank account to help me with my advertising credit so my advertising banner can be live on Nairaland. Have not heard Pim from the email we are meant to send our evidence of payment to.

I was also scammed by instablog9ja, i paid 50,000 Naira for a post, till today he keeps on saying he thought i wanted a instagram story as opposed to a post.

Its not easy running your own business oo like you are so much in debt already before you even begin to make any money whatsoever,
Hi I can get you qualified leads who wants to register their company. I will do this by coldcalling business owners , as an experienced closer , I will Confirm each contact before passing it to you and you take it from there.

I will deliver at least 50 Confirmed leads to you every month and you pay me 50000 to work with me. Are you interested? Quote me
Re: If You're Not Ready For Heartbreaks, Never Start Up A Business by Tyndalejane: 4:12am On Feb 01, 2019
Bro, true talk. I, m in huge debt presently looking and praying for a way out (any good Samaritan please come and help me). Everyday I ask myself why did I start it in the first place.

1 Like

Re: If You're Not Ready For Heartbreaks, Never Start Up A Business by Nobody: 4:21am On Feb 01, 2019
emmabest2000:
OP are you for real ? Discouraging people to start up a business just because yours didn’t moved well ?

You forgot that everything in this world depends on your luck and star , that its didn’t workout for mr A doesn’t mean its will not workout for mr B


By the way business is not for everyone!
You can try something else abeg ! grin


I don't think you have ever ran a business(possibly on your own), if you have you will relate with this thread as a priceless advice and not otherwise.

Business has a nature and no matter how good or intelligent you are, you must master that nature.

3 Likes

Re: If You're Not Ready For Heartbreaks, Never Start Up A Business by Loneley: 4:22am On Feb 01, 2019
Sure.

What do you want to know?

To get the best results, you need to understand the peculiarity of each platform.

Take Facebook for instance.

By default, no one wakes up in the morning, goes to Facebook with the intention of clicking on Ads.

Most of us are there to catch up with friends, family, the latest gossip, and the like.

What this means is, for you as an advertiser, by default, the audience on Facebook is "cold".

By cold, I mean, they aren't actively searching for your products or services. They aren't in the buying mode.

So how then do you target a cold audience?

For starters, you don't hard sell. Leave the hard selling for Google search Ads.

For Facebook, think more of creating valuable content related to your product, content which appeals to your target audience, after which when the content is consumed, you can then sell to them.

Of course, if you have a product that addresses a pressing need, and caters to a large section of the population, you can go ahead and ignore everything I said above.


Babyforever:
Helo pls can you elaborate more on this goggle and facebook add on the right chanel to make payment before they can upload my content tnx

3 Likes

Re: If You're Not Ready For Heartbreaks, Never Start Up A Business by Nobody: 4:25am On Feb 01, 2019
CaptainFM1:


Rule #. Do not pump your personal money into supermarket and grocery stores...except for the building/structures alone.

Once you have your hall ready, go into contracts with suppliers...usually directly from the manufacturer/producer. Create a section/shelf for all of them and let them be supplying you. The contract will detail how and when they will be collecting their money. All you need to do is to add your little profit on every single items they supplied which should match your operating cost and expected revenue.

Any items expiring or have expired will be retrieved by them and replaced. But you don't want that to be happening to your suppliers, so you collect base on how many you can satisfactorily and comfortably sell. Another good advantage of this is that, you may not need to run around in trucks buying items in piecemeal. Just a phone call to your supplier, and they will come right delivering to you if your retails sells fast and makes quick money for them.

That's how mega stores operates. They don't go buying say....200milos, 250bournvitas, 150UAC breads et al, to stock up stores.... Depending on reputation, contract formalities may take 1 to 6months or more because both parties will want to have a level of trust and confidence in one another.

So list all the items out..., group them into: direct supply from: companies, retails and maybe just few you identify to purchase with your money just to keep the store look "filled up". Also, if you have enough free space, you rent a stand/shelf out to people selling items such as perfumes, make-ups and cosmetics. You collect rents on those. They all add up to fill the space.

The actual rule is: other peoples time, other peoples money, other peoples resources, other peoples this..., other peoples that. "Other peoples intellects"....If you can harness that too, the better. I've just giving you bit of mine now.

However, the golden rule is...."You will have to pay your fair price to other people's whatsoever"!

Beautiful!

2 Likes

Re: If You're Not Ready For Heartbreaks, Never Start Up A Business by 30card(m): 4:33am On Feb 01, 2019
whytediamond:
I have a very funny and annoying case I'm dealing with right about now.

A company contacted me to design calendars for 2019 for them. After 2weeks of designing and countless tweaking plus product photo sessions, it got to the print stage and I suddenly the company said they can't pay the amount I requested for the print job.

I said OK fine, this is the soft copy of the job, get a printer to do the printing for less than what I offered, they went ahead and printed elsewhere even though the manager later confirmed they paid more for the printing compared with what I offered.

Now, the issue is this, I need my money for my intellectual property and time put into the design for calendar that they have already shared to their customers. To my greatest shock, I was told I won't be paid a dime.

What is their reason for not paying me? That I wasn't the one that printed the job, hence I won't be paid for the design. Like wtf are they talking about.

I'm already getting legal advice on how to recover my money from them.

Starting up a business ain't child's play people. Perseverance will surely pay in the long run. Stay focused, don't give up.
Bro you made a big mistake bu giving them your design without asking for payment first. Are you new in printing business? As you dey give your soft copy design out you dey collect your money na,
Omo this thing you do I no try am self.

2 Likes

Re: If You're Not Ready For Heartbreaks, Never Start Up A Business by queenfav(f): 4:54am On Feb 01, 2019
dancok:
pls i like to sell attachments i don't know if u can supply and guide me tru am a guy, am into ladies handbag and shoes but like to add attachment to my line of business. Reply pls.
So sorry oga, what i sell is raw Unprocessed Vietnamese Human Hair, i don't sell attachments. You can however contact me on WhatsApp on 09050968121.
Re: If You're Not Ready For Heartbreaks, Never Start Up A Business by whytediamond(m): 5:41am On Feb 01, 2019
30card:

Bro you made a big mistake bu giving them your design without asking for payment first. Are you new in printing business? As you dey give your soft copy design out you dey collect your money na,
Omo this thing you do I no try am self.

I'm new bro. My first job actually. Very interesting experience though. I wanted to impress so I trusted I was dealing with sane people.
Re: If You're Not Ready For Heartbreaks, Never Start Up A Business by kay9(m): 5:42am On Feb 01, 2019
datola:
Starting and sustaining a business in Nigeria is herculean task.

Some of the challenges:

Workers
Electricity
Multiple/illegal taxation
Capital
Lack of experience

My candid pieces of advice:

Don't start a business with big money. Start small even if you have the money. Learn from biblical little beginning story.

Don't employ workers you cannot sack (family members, friends, etc)

Don't leave your business without close monitoring. Most Nigerian workers especially low cadre are thieves looking for what to steal

Don't eat from young business. Be prudent and reinvest any profit.

Don't expect (big) profit at early stage of the business

Don't obtain bank loan at early stage.

Don't treat your emploees like slaves

Don't owe salaries



Yet to start my own business, but this sounds like the best piece of advice yet. Totally mirrors my expectations. Start small; learn from mistakes; be ready for sacrifices; don't employ family; treat workers fairly; tell customers the truth (mostly) grin ; build your reputation.

1 Like

Re: If You're Not Ready For Heartbreaks, Never Start Up A Business by Emycord: 5:46am On Feb 01, 2019
whytediamond:
I have a very funny and annoying case I'm dealing with right about now.

A company contacted me to design calendars for 2019 for them. After 2weeks of designing and countless tweaking plus product photo sessions, it got to the print stage and I suddenly the company said they can't pay the amount I requested for the print job.

I said OK fine, this is the soft copy of the job, get a printer to do the printing for less than what I offered, they went ahead and printed elsewhere even though the manager later confirmed they paid more for the printing compared with what I offered.

Now, the issue is this, I need my money for my intellectual property and time put into the design for calendar that they have already shared to their customers. To my greatest shock,.
i do not wish to sound tribal but i think most comments are not from igbo people now you know what igbo's go through to establish a business. we stay on , change tact etc now it earns us ritualist tag

1 Like

Re: If You're Not Ready For Heartbreaks, Never Start Up A Business by kay9(m): 5:49am On Feb 01, 2019
queenfav:
So sorry oga, what i sell is raw Unprocessed Vietnamese Human Hair, i don't sell attachments.


Surely whoever buys the "raw unprocessed Vietnamese human hair" is still going to attach it to her own hair... grin so bros is not out of line by referring to it as "attachment". It just shows he is not yet grounded in the hair business, thus using the wrong terms. And he also clearly stated that he wishes to learn.
Re: If You're Not Ready For Heartbreaks, Never Start Up A Business by queenfav(f): 5:56am On Feb 01, 2019
kay9:



Surely whoever buys the "raw unprocessed Vietnamese human hair" is still going to attach it to her own hair... grin so bros is not out of line by referring to it as "attachment". It just shows he is not yet grounded in the hair business, thus using the wrong terms. And he also clearly stated that he wishes to learn.
Sure
Re: If You're Not Ready For Heartbreaks, Never Start Up A Business by Nobody: 6:00am On Feb 01, 2019
This thread is comedy.

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