Yeah, I’m on rant here and I don’t care. Damn, I don’t give a sh*t to whatever anyone is going to think about me. I’mma bare my mind. I’m gonna say it as I feel it.

I’m hurting man, deep in my mind, I’m hurting. I don’t know, but I’m feeling sad and powerless. This feeling used to be an August visitor but in recent times, it’s becoming a regular guest.

F*ck! We are days away as a country from swearing-in the buffoons we ‘selected’ into power for another 4 years. I’m feeling hopeless and powerless. I’m like – was this the best that we could do?

You reading this write-up and thinking – “who the heck is this Jew? Why he ranting like him the only one here?” Oh my, if you only knew. Man, your present and future have been mortgaged and re-mortgaged for nothing. You are on a roll to nowhere. If care aint taken, you gonna end up in da box sooner than you thought and be forgotten for life! You will end up dead and no one is gonna shed a tear. Momma or pops may shed a tear or two but the hardship of life is gonna make your death seem like a breath of fresh air. Nigeria is getting there.

Life! Hmmm, who would have imagined. You see, I can type this write-up from the comfort of my bed with constant electricity, great broadband and a glass of red-wine (for the heart I think. Dr says take a glass every day, LoL). However, when I reminisce about my colleagues back in the country and the hardships they go through daily, I feel like a hypocrite. Maybe, I shouldn’t turn on the boiler tonight to punish myself a little. Maybe I should walk to work tomorrow to atone for the movie I streamed this morning. For breakfast tomorrow, amma take just tea with no sugar and bagels (just one). Yeah, we try to send something, we try, but sh*t it shouldn’t be and it’s never enough. These are men, able-bodied, but underpaid. They working very hard, but having nothing to show. I must encourage them to keep faith with hope. Damn, I feel I’m a hypocrite ‘cos I say this from a place of physical comfort.

Opportunity, Hmmm, quite unexpected. As you can imagine, the country had no plans for my future. My lecturers at undergrad were more interested in having me as a “paper machine” than empowering me. Short-sighted and myopic doesn’t sufficiently describe these charlatans who have made themselves into tin-gods. Heartless devils, deceivers and hypocrites only interested in one’s downfall. Pretenders and wicked men whose delight is in spreading terror amongst students and dehumanising them. I feel disheartened when I see these demonic agents mention the name “God” and spew spiritual jargons from their accursed mouths. Ah, we truly are in merciful times. They underestimated me. No, they did. If my future depended on their mood or their decision, doomed, I would have been. When unexpected opportunities came knocking, conferring with them was a mistake in all instances. Fully funded postgraduate (MSc and PhD) with lots of travel grants across the world. Great exposure, but yet still an economic migrant. I’m ashamed. My head is bowed down. Forget about all that talk about me excelling here and sh*t, my heart longs for home. I can’t imagine that this is me – helping others develop their potentials. Alas, charity should begin at home!

Decisions, Hmmm, lucky. You see, I really wanted to stay back in Nigeria. All I needed was a GA position and I would have rejected my full scholarship to England. In retrospect I say great decision, now I think about it and its mixed feelings. Yes, those lecturers may have made me lose my sombodiness and self-worth, but my impact would have been more. Perhaps, there would have been that one student that would have been inspired. Perhaps there would have been that one student who would have picked up the challenge to be a better researcher or excellent student. Perhaps, I would have had the opportunity to tackle these lecturers more. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps… When I went for a PhD, I thought it was gonna be an easy ride. No, it wan’t. Great funding, but I got burnt. I was depressed. So much achievements in a short time, but no purpose! I was frustrated. Why the PhD in this short time when my seniors are still yet to figure out their proposals back home. Why should I be lucky to have these papers accepted this fast when my mentors were struggling with completing their first draft. Aside the stable electricity, great funding and fantastic internet, nothing else was different from Nigeria.
Was surfing twitter just after submitting my thesis and saw my current job advertised. Applied half-heartedly, was shortlisted, interviewed and relocated all within 6 weeks!

Relationships, hmmmm, initially unfortunate. Yeah, I failed in my initial relationships. Didn’t know ladies were more emotional than logical! You see all I have known my life has been “book”. I love education, I cherish it. I am also a very organised person especially with respect to life. I brought that into my initial relationships and the fantastic ladies bid me farewell. I failed in striking a balance. I am lucky to have a jewel now and I hope I don’t mess it up. I tell her its gonna be difficult for me to strike that balance, but amma try. Amma try and level up. I chat more with her about her prospects, her future, her work, her life. I tell her I want her to be capable of raising our kids without stress if I drop dead tomorrow. I tell her how much I love her every now and then. I hope she knows I do. *Sigh*, I hope she knows.

Hmmm, I see them my colleagues on shiny wheels and having fun and I think – this isn’t life. That I escaped the hell hole doesn’t make it right. I’ve got a million and one folks back home still schooling under a tree. I’ve got millions back home yet to discover themselves. I’ve got millions back home who have no sense of purpose for living. You say, it’s not my business, that it’s their luck, well I say fu*k you. Go ahead, yeah, go on, move outta the country, move, go. You escaped right, no, you mortgaged your destiny. You a slave now, yeah, a willing slave. Go on, work hard, contribute, build that country, help them. Pretend that you are “foreign”, get an accent and forget home. Get lost, forget your culture, imbibe theirs, get integrated.

At this point I’m almost in tears. I have a beautiful hymn playing in the background and the combo is chilling. I mean Nigeria can’t just continue to remain the way she is. I mean, we can’t just resign to fate. This is people’s lives we are talking about. Folks, who may never enter a plane but who should have and enjoy the dignity that comes with being a human being. I can’t continue to live in this “luxury” when people back home can’t afford basic amenities. I’m not deserving of these “privileges” if my colleagues and peers still find it difficult making ends meet.

You know what, amma go on my knees and pray to God. Yeah, amma tell Him to divide my opportunities and privileges amongst as many peers of mine as possible that will allow us all have some level of somebodiness. I don’t know what else to do. I read about deaths and disappointments every day and my heart aches. I chat with mentors and peers back home and when they express their disappointments about life I cry. Why them? Why not me? They human too. They deserve a shot at life’s best. I tell them to take solace in God and hope for the best, but my conscience tells me amma a liar. A liar you are, hypocrite! It’s true, amma liar. They hope for the best and I hope for what – pizza, cinema, outing, vacation?

I’m at crossroads. I’m working on a proposal now. I hope it gets funded. That will be great. That’s me in Africa for the foreseeable future doing some impactful projects across the continent. I go to pray now, but let me leave you with these lyrics. Very powerful and encouraging. I’ll be still Lord.

Be still, for the presence of the Lord

Be still, for the presence of the Lord, the Holy one is here.
Come bow before him now, with reverence and fear.
In him no sin is found,
we stand on holy ground.
Be still, for the presence of the Lord, the Holy one is here.

Be still, for the glory of the Lord is shining all around;
He burns with Holy fire, with splendour he is crowned.
How awesome is the sight,
our radiant Kind of light!
Be still, for the glory of the Lord is shining all around.

Be still, for the power of the Lord is moving in this place;
He comes to cleanse and heal, to minister his grace.
No work too hard for him,
in faith receive from him.
Be still, for the power of the Lord is moving in this place.

(Hymn source: http://www.scriptureunion.org.uk/uploads/wordlight/resources/Song%20words%20for%20%27Creative%20worship%27.pdf)

Hmm, provoked i m, but powerless i féel

SadiqBabaSani:
Hmm, provoked i m, but powerless i féel

Really wish there is something we can do about this.

As if the problem just started today.

SadiqBabaSani:
Hmm, provoked i m, but powerless i féel

same here bro! still looking for that spark that can ignite a revolution of apocaliptic proportion, enough to bury this oppressive system that has succeeded in destroying the future of countless youths.

BuhariAdvocate:
As if the problem just started today.

So we should stop complaining? Or become sycophantic praise singers like you?

SadiqBabaSani:
Hmm, provoked i m, but powerless i féel

same here bro! still looking for that spark that can ignite a revolution of apocaliptic proportion, enough to bury this oppressive system that has succeeded in destroying the future of countless youths.

im almost in tears reading this passionate piece, i am certain, change is near sir!

Great piece....

But with an uneducated African, better days and better infrastructure means more unplanned children that reverses the gains of better days.

Africa needs education, Africa needs a revolution.