spongeisback:
Majority of nairalanders are pure idiots with low IQ. How can you support a man that is abusive towards his wife? He doesn't provide for his family and he's also abusive. I read one idiot's comment saying he has a right to abuse his wife, like seriously? When did a woman become an inanimate object?

OP you're a wicked man. I've no pity for you because it's obvious you have broken that woman. Both you and your useless pastor that asked you not to visit your family would get what's coming. GTFOH here. Age is just a number and maturity doesn't always come with age as you've displayed.

To all those supporting the OP I hope you can stand someone insulting you and your family, if you can't and you're using your dirty fingers to type shït, then like the OP you're a big hypocrite.

Sometimes I laugh when I see advise coming from those who have no clue of what the OP is passing through...

I have lived the experience 200% and I can tell you there was no verbal abuse at all but the OP is so confused at the moment that he is trying to attach a reason to why she left.

She left cos he lost his job and frustrations were setting in for her...

Ladies can play the victim card...

My wife left because I was down and out at a point and she told her family the exact thing the OP narrated...infact s i was reading the story it was as if I was reading my own story...but guess what...the lady walked back to me after 2years then I was the one who finally did the ditching.

Some ladies are impatient and this is why I tell men to make sure their wives have a very good source of income so that they can withstand pressure when the going gets tough for the husband.

pray for open doors so that God will bless u, once u start making money your marital problems will be solve.

[Lets roll... Lets be good friends first..guess you are bored



quote author=Tunagee post=80394471]My wife started behaving strangely immediately I lost my job in April 2017. She leaves home to her mum at the slightest disagreement without even communicating or making to express her feelings; and to worsen it, her mum gives her a great welcome with a room and parlour for her to stay, without even calling me to discuss what the problem. Whatever her daughter says is always the final, and she concludes on that.

My wife literarily destroyed my image before my in-laws to such an extent that I can't even visit them again. She tells them i insult her and her parents, and i make negative remarks about them, that i abuse her verbally at the slightest provocation. Several lies against me that I did not allow her travel out, I don't give her money, I told her not to have another kid, that I told her not to work, her mother has decided to keep her with her as I speak without even calling me to discuss, even despite all my appeals. She has been with her mum now for almost ten months(my wife is a fully grown legally married faithful woman of almost 40 years)

All these disrespect, probably cos I lost my job two years ago of which I fulfilled all responsibilities to the home. i don't drink, i don't smoke, don't womanise(even till now) I have never beaten her, I never another child out of my matrimonial home, and never impregnated another woman.

Rather than resolve her marital problem by discussing with her husband, she takes it to her family claiming emotional abuse. Fine, I agree I get provoked cos of her persistent shortcomings, and of course, frustration which leads to unguided vocal utterances towards her, but this could have been resolved easily without having to involve her whole family. Now what she keeps telling my family is that her family said she should still hold on at her mum's place. This is the 10th month since October 2018.

The last time my mum went to her mum's house precisely June last month, she was asked if she was still interested in her marriage, and she said yes, that she does not intend leaving her marriage; but we should give her time. Her mother practically told me to go and do something meaningful, and that there is time to marry, separate, reunite and hustle. Her mum is the one controlling her movements and everything about her for now; not even giving her room to give me audience.

Pls advise on what to do.

We are legally married.[/quote]

mostyg:


What does ethnic has to do with spouse behavior?

Does she attend mfm too? Ethnic has a lot It has to do o.

Lexusgs430:



Ever heard of a word called 'Divorce'?......

Are you married? why do you people keep advising divorce at any slitest issue. nawao. the rate of which divorce is rampant in the society these days, its uncalled for. there are some things that can be settled.

Some women are for money when you have but run away when you are tested from God, God reveals everything for you sir,, any woman that can stand with her husband that have problems is not a woman but she's a cheater.. I advice continues your hustles and plan to marry another woman that has matured enough and God will control everything.. For your wife she has already break the law, she has show,, she can't stay with problems,, let her stay with her people.. We don't need her more please

Tunagee:
My wife started behaving strangely immediately I lost my job in April 2017. She leaves home to her mum at the slightest disagreement without even communicating or making to express her feelings; and to worsen it, her mum gives her a great welcome with a room and parlour for her to stay, without even calling me to discuss what the problem. Whatever her daughter says is always the final, and she concludes on that.

My wife literarily destroyed my image before my in-laws to such an extent that I can't even visit them again. She tells them i insult her and her parents, and i make negative remarks about them, that i abuse her verbally at the slightest provocation. Several lies against me that I did not allow her travel out, I don't give her money, I told her not to have another kid, that I told her not to work, her mother has decided to keep her with her as I speak without even calling me to discuss, even despite all my appeals. She has been with her mum now for almost ten months(my wife is a fully grown legally married faithful woman of almost 40 years)

All these disrespect, probably cos I lost my job two years ago of which I fulfilled all responsibilities to the home. i don't drink, i don't smoke, don't womanise(even till now) I have never beaten her, I never another child out of my matrimonial home, and never impregnated another woman.

Rather than resolve her marital problem by discussing with her husband, she takes it to her family claiming emotional abuse. Fine, I agree I get provoked cos of her persistent shortcomings, and of course, frustration which leads to unguided vocal utterances towards her, but this could have been resolved easily without having to involve her whole family. Now what she keeps telling my family is that her family said she should still hold on at her mum's place. This is the 10th month since October 2018.

The last time my mum went to her mum's house precisely June last month, she was asked if she was still interested in her marriage, and she said yes, that she does not intend leaving her marriage; but we should give her time. Her mother practically told me to go and do something meaningful, and that there is time to marry, separate, reunite and hustle. Her mum is the one controlling her movements and everything about her for now; not even giving her room to give me audience.

Pls advise on what to do.

We are legally married.

. Marriage has ended since but you have refused to see it, my dear forget her and forcus more on getting another job, your own wife meant for you will surely come

Lexusgs430:


Are you more spiritual than Oyakhilome?......

the Christian race is personal, Bible and Christ is the standard not any pastor.

Oga go and read through this man's comments before quoting me. He admitted it himself. Severally. I don't care about you or your story. All men are angels and women are devils.

otherway:


Sometimes I laugh when I see advise coming from those who have no clue of what the OP is passing through...

I have lived the experience 200% and I can tell you there was no verbal abuse at all but the OP is so confused at the moment that he is trying to attach a reason to why she left.

She left cos he lost his job and frustrations were setting in for her...

Ladies can play the victim card...

My wife left because I was down and out at a point and she told her family the exact thing the OP narrated...infact s i was reading the story it was as if I was reading my own story...but guess what...the lady walked back to me after 2years then I was the one who finally did the ditching.

Some ladies are impatient and this is why I tell men to make sure their wives have a very good source of income so that they can withstand pressure when the going gets tough for the husband.

Tunagee:

I did not entice her with money, I was working for a multinational and was also privilege to have my own home. I was just on the average earning about 80k, but living in my own house. Did not have a car when we got married

. Even if you did lure her with money, she too is materialistic for marrying you cos of money, why should the blame be yours, ok now that you don't have a job look for a girl that can manage with you and move on.

I attended a seminar in Lagos last year I was told the definition of a MAN was Morning, Afternoon and Night. any man that can't provide 3square meals is not a real man. Bros the moment you lost your job the affection and love started fading.it takes the grace of Almighty for a woman to stick to you without job, my advice for you is to move out a find job and move on good luck!

Tunagee:


Thanks very much. A pastor even advised me to just keep praying without visiting or calling her.

Your re welcome sir. God will definitely turn things around

Tunagee:


Wow! I appreciate your advise. But a responsible woman now would want me to divorce her and marry her; the court process, my age 44, having to go through all that marriage procedure and process again, that is, God forbid, I don't end up with someone even much more worse as a wife.

You don't need a wife. Go find your work. Let your work come before your wife. You lost your job not your work.

Discover your work and pursue it day and night. You cant keep a woman without a work. Except she loves you for you and not what you can offer.

That's exactly what her mum is telling you. Your wife is a bank not your saving Sarah or your help-meet. Just listen and you will hear what everyone is saying, even your parents.

Most women are like banks. They offer you help when you are doing well cos they want to reap some of the fruits of your doing well. Same reason banks will only offer the rich and wealthy loans as against the common man having only a great business plan nothing more. No one believes in you until you have something to offer or actually brings something to the table.

Once winter comes, they abandon you till you are able to find your way back to winning ways. No bank lends to a broke man and even refinancing is a death trap. That's the exact way a woman's brain works. Didn't the Bible say that the family of the poor dispises him?

My exact point? Move on and manifest your self by becoming what exactly everyone thinks you can't become.

Channel your energy into winning. Start something for yourself, matter how little. Channel all energies you have hitherto reserved your wife that she is refusing into growing it.

Transform these energy into something productive and watch what becomes of her. Don't waste words on her.

Women easily forget all hurtful things they say to you but hold on to one single word you said back, even twist and misconstrue same just to heap all the blames on you as long as it makes them feel good about themselves and their image. They always want you to confirm to that image they have programmed for you whether you like it or not.

Focus the next five years on your life on growing. You are only growing in age and nothing more. Very soon you will be 50. Just two world cups away. Will you be having this discussion at 50? God forbid!

That's what nature is telling you. Learn. Move on and become productive. Don't reach out but let her hear news.

You are not listening. Listen to your self I beg you.

If the kids are a problem, by that, I mean sapping you emotionally, get a close female friend to help especially with your daughters and hustle.

Go out, see places and breath. All your focus should be on how to get back to winning ways.

Women naturally love comfort.

Don't kill yourself. If you do, she will move on. And you are the ultimate loser.

As a married man like yourself, I would advise you take these emotional games with a pitch of salt, box all the deja-moo ( repeating bull.shit) into a safe box specially created in your heart, lock that box and ghost the key mentally in the interim.

You seem an introvert like myself. Quit been pansy. Go to the beach, see a movie, hang out more but be moderate. Have female friends and keep it non intimae. Reach out to friends and offer value. They don't need your story, we all have our stories. Focus on creating and selling value. We are in the digital age and there more money out there to be made if you take time to develop yourself and become productive.

And the best part, read loads of books and materials on the next project you wanna focus on. Also read loads more on emotional intelligence. You seem to be lacking something vital in that regard. Watch videos on YouTube.

Do this for 90-180 days and don't call her within this period.

If you are the social media type, post pics of you moving on with the family in her absence and watch her come crawling on her knees.

If my wife tries this, she will get the shock of her life which is, plus her, minus her, my life keeps moving cos I keep growing.

Your wife thinks your world revolves around her and you have technically proved this believe to be nothing but the truth.

So read this again and go focus on finding your work instead of a woman you can't afford at this time.

You alone can fix yourself. She can't fix you cos she wants an already made you and you are presently going through the winters of life.

People work during winter any way. So you go find your work. Shalom.

NB: the above is from the experience of someone who has been married for a while, lost his business and source of earning at a time, but has found a way to gradually build himself back.

Tunagee:


Thank you.

Thank you for this advice

Brother to be candid I have been In your shoes before...


2 years into my marriage... my company vessel hit the rock at Lagos deep blue.. and sank. It was like it was over... (it was carrying a diesel which was where my investment was)

For 1 year I had nothing tangible doing... my wife will pay her full salary into my account at the end of every month without removing penny for 1 good year... she will plan with me.. and advice me and all..

Guess what no one knew this.. not even my mother nor her family.. it is very hard to see what is between us.

I didn't give up atall.. to be honest even if she had giving up I would have still been up if there is still God.

After one year with determination with my network and all I bounced back thank God for her support as well.

Presently all my stuffs are in her name.. except the one I had before marriage

This is the reason why I said you are yet to find a wife.. I am sorry. The shoes you walk in is so painful honestly.


Focus on how to bounce back and stop thinking about that woman if you die today.. she wont even feel it.. she will just move like nothing happened...

You owe your life to yourself.. please guard it properly.

Tunagee:


I won't deceive u, I was verbally harsh on her cos she always provoked me a lot. Got some temperament, and also did not know how to manage a lady's emotion properly cos of my ego. It has always been like that even when I was working, but she could no longer endure when she was still being insulted after job loss. I worked for a very very popular multinational firm in the country, but things took a nosedive at some point for.the firm.

there you are

take this shiit away from job loss,..far far away from it

you need to go on a journey of self discovery take control like someone said and drop the harshness bro(she is not leaving).

she is only worried ur joblessness will give you more time which will translate to more hash environment.she is an introvert for Christ sake those kind of people easily get depressed a lot leads to something bad.

allow her,.if she goes,.fine build all over again and take care of ur son,if she dznt welcome her back but cut the abuse shiit.

learnt alot from my married brothers,.an unhappy wife is an unhappy home and in this case you have said countless number of times that she is a really good wife.so put your life together and never fight with your woman,there are countless ways to handle quarels in homes other than harshness (but you must learn ur partner to know which works)

she stayed after you lost your job for a long time and you saying you can still meet up with bills and have ur own home,she left bcs you where toxic and ur situation is gradually messing up ur mind and turning you to a nuclear waste....at this point she is open to all manner of negative influence so expect everything you see and pray to God she dznt loose it

when she gets back get it right (let her know you two are a team too),.if she dzt still get it right b4 jumping to another lady if you have plans on that else the new lady will still leave when its time or get fed up with ur overwhelming negative side.

las las u go dey alright

[quote author=Kendumazy post=80396349]

Will you take my advice? Shit happens in this life. Not until, when you started seeing everything as risk which end result you can't predict, you will live life better. Forget about all the emotional abuse etc. As a man you have every right to verbally abuse her in as much as she is the one that triggers it and she seems never ready to stop. You can as well verbal abuse her. Na blood dey run in your vein too. The strength to keep been silent over verbal abuse from a second party is a gift. Not everyone is gifted in such area. The ability to settle every abuses in a relationship is what keep most marriages till date most especially the ones both parties contributed to the abuse. Your wife triggers your anger which made you reacted but she is not ready to look at things in that way that she is also the cause.
Bro, life isn't hard! In as much as her mum is alive, there's little or nothing you can do. She will continue to control her daughter. Do you know why the woman keeps doing that shit as well? Because, you too, you give her the chance.
See, ignore them. Work on your life. The little you have, Send your kid upkeep to her via bank account for record purposes. Don't dwell much on the nonsense they are doing. You have tried enough. Go out there and make yourself happy. Trust me, when they see that, you don't send them again. Your wife will gradually come back to her senses and probably start fighting for her freedom from her mother. In short, stop being a sissy! [/quot

Op pls take dis advice..best advice so far.

Tunagee:
My wife started behaving strangely immediately I lost my job in April 2017. She leaves home to her mum at the slightest disagreement without even communicating or making to express her feelings; and to worsen it, her mum gives her a great welcome with a room and parlour for her to stay, without even calling me to discuss what the problem. Whatever her daughter says is always the final, and she concludes on that.

My wife literarily destroyed my image before my in-laws to such an extent that I can't even visit them again. She tells them i insult her and her parents, and i make negative remarks about them, that i abuse her verbally at the slightest provocation. Several lies against me that I did not allow her travel out, I don't give her money, I told her not to have another kid, that I told her not to work, her mother has decided to keep her with her as I speak without even calling me to discuss, even despite all my appeals. She has been with her mum now for almost ten months(my wife is a fully grown legally married faithful woman of almost 40 years)

All these disrespect, probably cos I lost my job two years ago of which I fulfilled all responsibilities to the home. i don't drink, i don't smoke, don't womanise(even till now) I have never beaten her, I never another child out of my matrimonial home, and never impregnated another woman.

Rather than resolve her marital problem by discussing with her husband, she takes it to her family claiming emotional abuse. Fine, I agree I get provoked cos of her persistent shortcomings, and of course, frustration which leads to unguided vocal utterances towards her, but this could have been resolved easily without having to involve her whole family. Now what she keeps telling my family is that her family said she should still hold on at her mum's place. This is the 10th month since October 2018.

The last time my mum went to her mum's house precisely June last month, she was asked if she was still interested in her marriage, and she said yes, that she does not intend leaving her marriage; but we should give her time. Her mother practically told me to go and do something meaningful, and that there is time to marry, separate, reunite and hustle. Her mum is the one controlling her movements and everything about her for now; not even giving her room to give me audience.

Pls advise on what to do.

We are legally married.

Women should be made to understand that marriage is a PARTNERSHIP and they are expected to sustain or assist the family when the man is facing financial challenges.

I really feel your pain cos most of us have experienced this before in our relationships too.

Like the old saying "no one can make you a slave without your consent", and that rings ever true in the situation at hand. She has left, disrespected the integrity of your shared matrimony, and as far she is concerned, released herself from the obligation to commit to you. She has proven that the marital oath of "for better for worse" is void, a symbolic rehearsal instead of a qualitative virtue. My friend, you've done your best, leave her to her vices and play your cards to exhibit strength.

In every human relationship, the one that needs the other most has all the power. The power dynamic is favoring her since you're the one begging for her resumption to the union, she has all the cards, hence, you're emasculating yourself by being the party who needs her. She is cashing on your desperation and ignorance of game dynamics.

Hopefully, you should have learned by now that just as women accuse men of seeing them as a sex object, they themselves see men as a success object. Your value to her (and women generally) is not intrinsic, but extrinsic, she likes you based on the man you've built yourself to be. Women do not love the male (a biological prerequisite), but the man (self-built). It's sad that you have to lose your financial capability to reach this timeless truism, albeit, it is never too late for you to get a better, younger, more beautiful woman because unlike her, she has already depreciated in sexual market value, while yours is sharply on its peak. Go make money, improve your life and have fun with other ladies. You're under no obligation to be faithful to a union when the other party has broken it. Live a life worth admiring and I guarantee, as I've seen over and over, she will come begging but then remember, a leopard can not change its spots.

Women values relationship more than men, men value short flings more than women. You probably married her young, and she is under the illusion that there will be unlimited amount of men queuing to wife her up if she signifies her availability status, well, she will learn a bitter lesson, and when she does, do not be the "captain save a hoe", in life, there are consequences, and she must live it. If there is such a thing like to man-up, it is now.

All the best mate.

introverts loves like tomorrow never comes,.they are sponge to negativity and can go on a very long time but speaks less of their whole beign hoping you will figure it out...but when they reach snap point my guy its going to take somthing madly strong to get them back on the lane you had them b4....

ffo:


Are you married? why do you people keep advising divorce at any slitest issue. nawao. the rate of which divorce is rampant in the society these days, its uncalled for. there are some things that can be settled.

Can you force someone to be in a marriage, they clearly don't want to be in?

Marriage is a 2 way street........

This forceful Mentality, is why we read about couple - murders.......

ffo:


the Christian race is personal, Bible and Christ is the standard not any pastor.

Agreed...... But a MOG got divorced..... So what's the big deal........

telimitless:
and who told Oyakhilome wanted it, it was absolutely the decision of his wife. Infact he refused to sign the at certain time

.

Bottomline, divorce still happened regardless .........

Kirinwa:


Is Oyakhilome not a human being? You should cite Jesus Christ.

Did Jesus Christ go through a divorce........ Understand my statement.............

densiks:


Yeah..you’re damn right!
It’s more important he stays alive.

Nobody marries with the hope of getting divorced...... But when the marriage is not working......... Best to go your separate ways, and provide adequately for the children, than forcing themselves in the marriage and kids witnessing all sort of abuses........

Tunagee:


Bro, I thought of it, but my faith as a christian won't allow me. More so, am from a broken home so I know what separation is, and the effect on the kids. Thirdly, the courts can take some years to divorce couples, especially when they don't see any tangible reason, and in the end, they tell couples to go settle their differences, especially when one spouse still shows interest. Am in my early 40's

Good, divorce should always be the last option, u av handled the matter well and I salute ur courage of not running to another woman in times like this. ( most men would av start misbehaving thereby causing more havoc)

This is it, Call her & av a one on one discussion, let her know u are ready to change/adjust in areas where u are lacking. ( No more Verbal or physical abuse) for some of us, verbal abuse hurt more.
Make sure u mean it when u are telling her (with all sincerity).
Ask her if she's willing and ready to fight for ur home with you (build something great back up from the ashes)

When misunderstanding occurs you tell and correct her with love, if she loves you she will also take correction.

If she's ready to come back home & correct all of the wrongs u both made with you, then u guys are good to go. Forget the bad vibes and start afresh.

10 months is long overdue to think things over, give it one more shot by trying the heart to heart discussion (alone) I'm sure u guys will reach a concession if both still av the will to continue.

God help you.

Lexusgs430:



Ever heard of a word called 'Divorce'?......

I will literally support this....cuz 10months is way too much even God will not judge him...that's wickedness from the wife's part...when you marry from the wrong family, this is what happens.

Olosho everywhere...

executive12:


I wonder.

Why do Nigerian's classify divorce, a taboo...... She clearly is not willing to have an unemployed husband, her mother is not helping matters etc etc etc

What happened to this wife going to get a job, and providing for her family, rather than walk - out.......

If husband not currently employed, made her walk - out, assume the husband had a serious health/medical challenge, what would she do?......

Your wife moved because of your abusive nature not neccesarily because you lost your job.
What do you expect when you were sowing abuse instead of love and encouragement?
Humble yourself go and apologise for all your wrongs, then get a job.
Dont take the advice of those telling you to take another woman, if you are a christian you should know it is against your faith.
You are a the man of your house, fix this.

Tunagee:


Bro, I thought of it, but my faith as a christian won't allow me. More so, am from a broken home so I know what separation is, and the effect on the kids. Thirdly, the courts can take some years to divorce couples, especially when they don't see any tangible reason, and in the end, they tell couples to go settle their differences, especially when one spouse still shows interest. Am in my early 40's

Imagine if you had a serious health/medical challenge, what would this wife do?......

ffo:


Are you married? why do you people keep advising divorce at any slitest issue. nawao. the rate of which divorce is rampant in the society these days, its uncalled for. there are some things that can be settled.

What would you do, if your wife (assuming you're married), shuts the door behind her and goes to camp with her mother.............

Lexusgs430:


Are you more spiritual than Oyakhilome?......

what kind of question is that? The Bible is against divorce except on grounds of adultery. The fact that Oyakhilome divorced doesn't make it right. Oyakhilome is a mere mortal like you and I.