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TOTO pass TOTO 21+

Subtitle: F*ck Mark Z.

-Episode 49

Voices: make ona stop na, all these drivers wicked ehnn!!, conductor! You no hear shit dey catch am, if this man shit for my body I no go pay again oh *look at you, you no even get money to pay*

Conductor: *tapping the bus* dropping dey.

The bus slowed down and I started coming down, I came down and paid the conductor, and left my change with him.
As I took off with full speed running into a nearby bush, I didn't even look around where I was.
All I wanted was to relief myself, I quickly forced my trouser down and wrote WAEC that nature set for us everyday.

When I spitted is the time I started looking around were I was, I didn't know I was doing it on a dust bin.
Just then I heard a fly sound and a dust bin bag, landed on me.

Me: chimoooo!! *I shouted*

Voice: who dey there?!

I quickly grabbed leaves and wiped my bumbum, and dragged up my trouser to my waist.
That was when I started perceiving the smelling dust bin, I nearly fainted before I got down from the top mountain surrounded with grasses.
I saw the man that threw the dust bin on me, he looked very skinny that a rushing wind could swing him along.
It must be those people that usually visit homes to collect dust bins, and throw in order to be paid.

Skinny man: madman, why you dey shout?

Me: you high on cheap weed? Na everybody wey dey close to dust bin na em be madman?

Skinny man: them nodey ever gree say them be madman, you nodey close to dust bin oh! You commot from the upstairs you build.

Me: na the sorry you suppose tell me?

Skinny man: *he start smiling and making several insane movements* my friend! *coming to hug me*

I took off immediately, he ran after me. 'Which kind problem be this na?'
I looked back and saw him doubling his speed to meet up, I kicked off my pair of shoes and ran faster than I ever did.
What took me to a radical madman's house, he looked very scary.
I did not even bother to know were I was running to, I just wanted to escape the madman.

Skinny man: my mad friend, come and take your shoe! *chasing me*

Me: tufiaaa! God forbid *I double my hustle*

Skinny man: this running go make person mad oh, I don mad oh! I don run mad oh!!

He stopped chasing me, and started repeating those words going back with my shoe.
I bent and started exhaling heavy breathes, I wiped the beads of sweats all over my body.
All these experience for one night, I couldn't helped but to cry for my five thousand naira shoe.
I have not completed the money for that shoe, I decided to continue my journey instead of facing that madman twice.
Who knows this time around, he will not go back to his noble palace.

I carried myself up and started trekking to East, hoping to see someone I will ask for direction.
The whole street was sidelined with fenced compounds by a tarred road, I have to endure the discomfort under my feet as I trend bare-footed on the tarred road.
Luckily for me, I saw a girl coming out of the gate, the neighborhood is so dry.

I rushed to her happily, I examined her first if I can actually woo her also, I realized she is off limit and out of stock for my demands, I settled with little familiarity, so I can get to my destination.
Immediately, I got closer to her. She faced me and glared, looking me up.

Girl: ehem, how may I help you?

Me: all these shakara, thank God oh! Say em make you worwor. *I just face my business of walking*

Girl: thunder fire you! Na your mama and papa worwor!! Your girlfriend fine pass me, mad man go to the dust bin!!! *I nearly vomit with the comparison*

I have not gone far, when I saw a shop along the street.
A girl sat inside the shop, as everywhere was protected fully with protector just leaving a hole for transaction.

Me: good evening, fine girl.

Girl: good evening, sir, what do you want to buy? *this one like money oh!*

Me: nothing, please, how can I get to the junction?

Girl: board a taxi in that junction, they will take you to the express way junction.

Me: thank you so much, so pretty girl... What is your name?

Girl: my name is Joy.

Me: girls with that name are very beautiful with heart of angel, so if I buy something from this shop, Joy go enter my life *she start blushing*

Girl: you funny oh! Am too small for that *she even understand, naija girls sabi all the lines we dey use, I go soon update*

Me: bring bottle water, cold one.

I paid her and she gave the bottle water to me, I used it to quench my dried throat as I walked to the direction she instructed me to.
When I got there, I saw cars loading passengers.
I entered one of them and off we drove down to another loading junction, I took one going to were I live.
Immediately, I came down from the taxi to enter my gate someone called my name.

I looked around and saw the ripe plantain jehovah witness girl, coming towards me.
What is this one problem I asked myself.

J babe: good evening, Victor, are you surprise that I know your name.

Me: I no surprise, ona church people fit do anything.

J babe: wetin do your shoe? Well... You see those people I send come ona yard on Saturday.

Me: I no see, I nodey stay for this yard.

J Babe: but my mother talk say you dey stay for this yard.

Me: see wahala oh! You rent house for me for that yard?! I nodey stay for here, you go tell me were I dey live? Make this discussion end here.

I went inside the yard angrily to see Ikenna sitting in his normal position opposite my house, he beamed expecting to see my sister following me from behind.
His face colored up when he saw me closing the gate.

Me: Ikefulani, happy waiting.

Ikenna: welcome... Good evening, Vera nodey house since morning.

Me: wetin you want my do now?

Ikenna: na your sister na, you suppose know where she dey.

Me: papa Vera, I go slap you oh! I dey vex ohh!!

Ikenna: hmmm.. Wetin dey smell like this?

I ignored him and went inside, I was the one smelling sha..
That is why I paid for the three back seats, I didn't want insult.
I immediately unclad myself and poured detergent inside a bucket of water, and soaked everything I wore that day inside the bucket.

Someone started knocking on my protector, the more I ignored the knock is the more the person increased his or her strength of knocking.
I was so angry, that I didn't know I was naked all along, I walked to the verandah to feed the person with the piece of my mind.

Voice: holy ghost fire!!!

I ran inside...

TBC...

TOTO PASS TOTO 21+


Subtitle: F*ck Mark Z.


-Episode 50



I ran inside and exhaled rapidly, I stood unclad in my bedroom arms akimbo and wondering what is happening to day, 'hope say village people no remember me oh!'.
I took my towel and went inside the bathroom, turned the shower on and the waters sprinkling on me ran down on my naked body, I reminisce on what happened earlier.

All the beautiful ladies in this yard is Mary that we nicknamed Virgin Mary that I mistakenly showed my unclothedness, I called it mistake because she is the last person I will ever think of f*cking in that yard.
She attend mountain of fire and didn't allow anyone to sleep in that house if there is no light.

I wondered why these set of people are not kept in psychiatric to confirm their sanity, I believe she has surpassed the age of menopause and still single.
I wondered what she was doing when she was young, now she is carrying bible up and down praying and disturbing heaven for a miraculous husband.

She has been inviting me to come to her church, I always gave her excuses everyday.
Probably today she has upped her evangelical movement with kingdom of God suffereth violence, and she wants to take me to her church by force and fire, and I wondered who is giving her the idea that at gun point I will agree to join them in shouting 'fire! Fire!!', I love my life tho.

I switched off the shower and cleaned my body with the towel, I hung the towel and switched off the light.
I went under the duvet naked and my phone started ringing, I was angry at all my girlfriends so I just ignored my phone completely and slept off.

I felt something tickling me around my nether region, I was enjoying sweet sensation as a very beautiful white girl with curly and long blonde hair, was s*cking my d*ck while keeping an eye contact.
The feelings was heaven as her tongued rolled on my d*ck, she cupped my balls sac and I m*aned.

The thing was becoming serious, instead of me to be m*aning in the dream. I started laughing, I woke up and felt something moving in betwixt my legs.
I felt the movement of cockroach in between my legs as it let out a sound, I jumped up from my bed.

Me: Blood of Jesus! *I scream and rush to the switch, on the bulb*

Me: this idiots don collect light, wey my phone?

I started crawling on the tiled floor searching for my phone, my kneel would have stepped on it when I removed it quickly so that the screen will not crash.
I switched on the flashlight, and looked around the room searching for the rapist cockroach.
I saw 30missed calls, these people will call somebody till they will send cockroach and skeeters to wake you up.

I saw it crawling on my curtail, I grabbed a broom firmly, ready myself to thrash his or her naughty buttocks.
I don't care about the gender anyway, but I suspect it must be female cockroach 'cause it tried to rape a n*ked sleeping man like me.

Me: you don die today!

I launched the first attack and it met it flying towards the kitchen door, before I could position the direct flashlight to find it.
The thing ran into the kitchen, I went at it with full force and stumbled as my leg entangled on the table in the room, the sharp pain met me crashing on the tiled floor.

I stood up like a man after raining curses on the lineage of that cockroach that looked like Biggy brother, I leaped to the kitchen more conscious.
I saw unwashed plates in the sink.

Me: Umashi, have killed me *cockroach where doing party after party on the sink*

Me: *one run up to the sink tap, and stare at me angrily like sending the message you can do nothing* no be me and you oh!!

I find my way back to my precious bed, this time around.
I locked my d*ck up with a boxer and covered my bare chest with singlet.
I started hearing heavy foot-falls, as someone was slamming the wall and marching hard on the floor. It was like semi-earthquake as she shook the house with her loud voice in prayer.

Mary voice: you that naked enemy, i say die by fire! Fire!! Fire!!! Fire!!! Fire!!!!


Me: I don suffer, person nofit dey in peace for this yard.

I switched on a music on my phone connected it with my mp3, increased the highest volume.
Kept it on my bed side and travelled to the land of everyman.
I woke the next morning and knelt down and prayed, water has start passing garri oh!

U went to the kitchen and washed the plates, rinse it neatly and kept it close to the window so that the sunlight will dry it quickly.
I brushed my mouth and took my bath, placed a call to Biggy, he picked...

Biggy: hello, am I speaking with the prodigal son?

Me: no, you are speaking with the prodigal father, mumu.

Biggy: tell them say, ona plan to kill me with trekking no work.

Me: old things have pass away, new things have come to stay.

Biggy: so, na wetin be the new thing, Mr Noah?

Me: ehnn.. You cook? Hope say my bro dey your house.

Biggy: I dey for fasting for the past two weeks, no near my house oh! Na hunter gun I go take bullet sense enter you.

Me: lai lai! I dey come oh!! You no even get choice, I no suppose collect permission sef. In short, disappear from my line.

I ended the call and dressed up, I came out of the house and locked it, I was about leaving my gate when I saw Mary drying her rinsed clothes on the rope, immediately she saw me.
She raised a new chorus, to the glory of her madness.

Mary: naked satan, naked satan, naked satan, holy ghost fire!!

Me: back to sender *I mumble and left the compound*

I came out of the street, and entered my a bus that was calling passengers to my way.
I sat at the back seat, and did not know what moved me to be looking at shoes in the bus.
As I was scanning legs, the shoe I saw on someone's legs strike resemblance with the shoe that the madman stole from me.

I looked closely, it was so familiar that I cannot betray my properties from not giving them a trade mark.

Me: na my shoe be this! *I exclaim with calm voice, first*

Girl: *someone tap me* do you know me?

Who will not know Deborah, my former yard neighbor's girlfriend. That always visits the jobless fool, they will bang from night till morning everyday disturbing the peace of my d*ck, the konji was much on me that I nearly raped a goat mistaken it for a girl, from that day I parked out of that particular yard for them.

Me: not really, *I shake my head* I no know you.

I concentrate more on my shoe that the man who sat on the second role was wearing, I will so deal with this young man and take my shoe.

Girl: is me Deborah, Steven's girlfriend in your former.

Me: see me see trouble, na only you be Deborah. Aunty I no know even if you be Steven wife!

TBC...

TOTO PASS TOTO 21+


Subtitle: F*ck Mark Z.


-Episode 51



That is how the girl mind her business, I didn't let the man wearing cap with my shoes leave my view.
I kept an eye on him, tapping my feet waiting patiently for him to drop from the bus so that I can descend on him and tear him into shreds.

Man: driver, I wan drop here *with thick bass, my heart nearly escape from me*

Me: I wan drop here too *Biggy's house is not too far but walkable*

Conductor: oga, I think say na Ekimini junction you wan drop?

Me: I no wan go that side again.

I jumped down quickly and traced my shoe as the driver of the bus sped off the conductor was calling passengers to enter.
I ran towards the feet wearing my shoe and tapped the man madly at his back.

Me: oga, wetin happen, pull my shoe! *I yell behind him*

Man: na me you dey talk to?

He turned around facing me, he removed the cap on his shining head like it was scrapped with broken bottle and creamed with groundnut oil.
My throat went dried, as his cheekbones rises like bulldog wanting to bite off someone's trouser.

Me: senior man, good morning.

Man: you never answer me! Why you touch me, which shoe?! *he bark at me*

Me: senior man no vex, your shoe fine well well. *he grab my collar with his hand and squeeze it*

Man: na em make you dey tap tap me anyhow, you nodey fear? *he shouted his eyes bloodshot*

Me: no vex oh! I dey fear you. *he grab my throat*

Man: you want my kill you?!

Water have pass garri, I started begging. People were minding their business, as they walked past us without even glancing or wanting to hear what was happening, they are just going about their business.
The more I begged the man, is the more he became more aggressive.
A beautiful girl walked pass, I had to hold her by her wrist so that she will stop and beg on my behalf before the man beat me up for my shoe too.

Me: sister, abeg... Help me beg my senior man make em pity me *seeing how serious I am, she consider*

Man: you nodey fear face! Iffa sand you now wetin you go do?! *spitting at me, I have to endure*

Me: senior man, I nofit do anything. I be your boy, pity me.

The girl just walked close to him and rubbed his back, his eyes soften.
He started calming down slowly, his face squeezed like someone that is about to c*m.

Fine babe: boo, just leave him. You are bigger than this. *that speech alone format his brain, he start laughing for no reason*

Man: na because of you oh!! *he release me from his hold*

Me: senior man thank, aunty thank you.

I quickly disappeared from that scene as fast as my legs could carry me, I bought a sachet of pure water that a young girl was hawking on the street, I tore it open and started s*cking the sachet pure water like br*asts before four minutes, I emptied the sachet of pure water and threw it away.
A beautiful car slowed down and parked ahead of me, I didn't recognize the car so I just continued walking till I heard a voice calling my attention from behind.

I looked back and met Samuel, one idiot that thought I stole his girlfriend some years ago, which I did not.
I hissed and continued trekking, she drove slowly moving alongside me.
His side mirror was lowered, his face looked amusing.

Samuel: my guy, how you dey suffer? *I ignore* my guy, you don join trekkers association, them don promote you as chairman bah? *I ignore* the sun don make you deaf?! *laughing*

Me: na under this kind hot sun I bang your girlfriend anyhow, my d*ck too sweet na em make she dump you, you nodey complete for your legs side.


He got angry and parked his car, I didn't bother looking back, I went my own.
I felt a sharp pain behind my back as he landed a hard punch on my back, I staggered forward and turned. His blows were positioned properly to attack me, he stood firm waiting for my reaction.

Me: you dey fine who go kill you, tell them say you no see me *I turn and continue walking jeje*

Samuel: you nofit do anything, stand as man face me. I go beat you turn turn for here.

I gave him the best tablet for a fool silence and continued going on my way, he ran towards me with his feet making lot of sounds as he charged behind me to punch me again.
I shifted aside quickly, he lost balance as he forced himself forward.
I pushed him so hard that he went ahead and hugged a soldier man from behind who was talking to a girl, that is what Jesus meant by "it is finished".
I did not know how I did it, and did not know what I did, I find myself in another street almost close to Biggy's house breathing heavily.

I went directly at his door and knocked, I started hearing loud m*anings from inside.
I knocked harder, infact... I used my two hands in the process so that they will hear the sounds.

Biggy: who be that madman?!

Me: na me Victor, open door I wan enter.

Biggy: enter to do wetin?

Voice: baby am tired, you love s*x too much.

Biggy: is just the fourth round na, abeg.. Lets just do small again.

I knocked harder even kicking the door, he was still begging but the girl did not agree.
I didn't stop knocking the door.

Biggy: wetin be your own, them untie you from chains before you come here?

Me: oh girl no gree oh! Em go only expand your toto. Las las em no go gree marry you.

Voice: Biggy will you marry me?

Biggy: yes na, you know I love you so much.

Me: no gree oh! Why em no engage you for the first round. Em dey gear four now, if em enter gear five em go say em no want again, no gree oh!

Biggy: you be wizard oh! Them send you for this hot sun?

Me: sister, kingdom of hell is real oh!hell fire dey real, that guy go only destroy your p*ssy, em no go ever marry you.

Voice: he is saying the truth, leave me alone... All you know is s*x s*x, look at how you are f*cking me like am a wh*re.

Me: I tell you, wear clothes go your father house oh!

Biggy: Victor! Victor!! How many times I call you? We go put legs for one trouser oh!!

Me: na two times Biggy, them dey f*ck person pikin for hot sun like this?

I started hearing foot-falls from inside, I waited patiently at the door for them to come out.
The door opened and I came in face to face with a familiar face.

Me: Felicia! You too!!! *I scream, she cover her face with her palms*

TBC..

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Section1000:
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