₦airaland Forum

A teacher was asking these group of 5 year old a couple of questions If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday School class. "NO" the children all answered. "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?" Again, the answer was, "NO" "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again. Again, they all answered, "NO" "Well", I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?" The group shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD"

At a wedding ceremony last Saturday, the officiating minister asked if there was anyone who had anything to say as regards the union of the two... Hell broke loose when a woman at the back with a child started walking to the front towards the couple, the church was dead quiet and the bride fainted! The minister asked whether she had anything to say and she answered, "We can't hear you at the back!"

A scientist is planning to make a br@ who will not show the n*pple of women when wet and stops the bre@st from bouncing when they are jogging


do not panic guys we have killed the idiot...

Wife is dreaming in the middle of the night and suddenly shouts: "Up! Quick! My husband is back!" Man gets up, jumps out of the window, hurts himself, and then realizes: "Damn, I am the husband!''

I once did a prank with my dad... One day he was beating me so hard.. I fell down and pretended to be dead.. He started crying then I finished my drama and woke up.. He started beating me again..

A boy was in a taxi eating chocolate, then he took another one. then a man next to him said; Do u know that this will damage your teeth, the boy replied;my grandfather lived 132 years; the man asked; was it because of eating chocolate?; the boy replied: No , he was always minding his own business...

Me: I want to marry you


Her: do you smoke?


Me: yes


Her: how many packets of cigarettes do you
smoke daily?


Me: just one


Her: how long have you been smoking?


Me: for 25years now


Her: what? A pack of cigarette costs 50cents,
and since you've been smoking for 25years,
it means you've spent $225,000 on
cigarette, do you know that if you had been
saving that amount everyday you could own
a Lamborghini by now?



Me: do you smoke?


Her: No!


Me: where's your Lamborghini?

There was a commotion in Church when a Pastor said " let's share grace". Sister Grace flared up and shouted "Pastor! God punish u eh...how can the whole Church share me? Last night i couldn't handle you alone... and now you want the whole Church to share me! Pastor fainted

An old man owned a pond on his farm, lined with fruit trees. One day he went there with a basket to get fruits. On reaching, he found some young ladies swimming in the pond. They went in deep water to shield themselves n said: We wont come out until u leave. Old man: I'm not here to see u swim or to get u out of the pond. I'm here just to feed the Crocodile in the pond ! All the women rushed Out.

CONFIDENCE is when a guy goes to the medical store & asks for 20 condoms & he hears 2 girls behind him giggling .... He turns around, looks at them in the eyes and says, "Make it 22" !!

My Grandma took my cup of tea that i mixed with codeine. Now she is taking selfie with my calculator, so my parent are thinking that its old age. Should i tell them?

Nigerian teachers will ask you to write an essay about "A day you will never forget" And later they will score you 05/40 as if they were there that day

My teachers asked me which one is heavier - 1 kg of iron ball or 1 kg of cotton ball. I told him iron ball is heavier . But he didn't agreed and told me both have same weight. So I told him to hit me with 1 kg of cotton ball and I will hit him with 1 kg of iron ball . If both weights equal both will hurt equal . My teacher left the job.

A Girl was towelling her wet pussy. She
enjoyed it so much that she began to
rub it vigorously until . . . . the pussy
cried "Meow" and runs away.
Moral/Lessons:


1. Be kind to Animals.


2. Always keep your thoughts clean.

*In "Butabika Hospital" a journalist asks the Doctor:* *How do you determine whether to admit a mental patient or not to?*

*Dr: "Well, we fill a bathtub with water and then give the patient;* (a). *a teaspoon,* (b). *a glass,* (c). *a bucket,* *and ask them to empty the bathtub."*

*Journalist:* *"Oh, obviously a normal person would use the bucket because its bigger."*

*Dr: "No, a normal person would pull the drain plug! Please go to bed No.39. We will start further investigations on you!"* ........................................

Teacher :how old is your father?

kid:he's 6yrs

Teacher :what. ..how& that possible?

kid :he only became my father after I was born... (I want to adopt this kid )..

Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"

Man: "Yes!"

Reporter: "Name?"

Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."

Reporter: "Sex?"

Man: "Three to five times a week."

Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"

Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."

Reporter: "Holy cow!"

Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."

Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"

Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."

Reporter: "Oh dear!"

Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."

I asked an old man, "Even after 95 years, you still call your wife 'Darling', 'Honey', 'Love'. What's the secret?" . OLD MAN: "I forgot her name 10 years ago and I'm scared to ask her"

Emeka was baptized and dipped in water 3 times. At the 3rd time the Pastor said: "You are now baptized. You are a new creation the old one is gone. No more drinking of alcohol for you. Your new name is Jacob." Jacob went back home and headed straight for the fridge. He took a Heineken,dipped it in water 3 times and said:"You are now a new creation, the old one is gone. Your new name is Orange Juice!!!..

In class: 2 + 2 = 4

Homework: 2 + 4 + 2 = 8

Exam: John has 4 apples, his train is 7 minutes early. Calculate the mass of the sun.
This is the main reason why i hate school

Today I went to the restaurant, the place was full with couples, being Embarrassed to be alone I took my phone and pretended to call my friend and said, hi my friend your husband is here with another woman eating dinner, hmmmmm, you won't believe 10men walked out who are cheating...

Teacher : Why did you laugh?
LeLe : I saw a strap of your bra.
Teacher : Get out. No class for you for one week. Another boy laughs.

Teacher : why did you laugh?
Boy : I saw both straps.
Teacher : Get out. No class for you for one month. She bends down to pick a chalk. Akpos started walking out of the class.
Teacher: akpos! why are you walking out of my class?
Akpos : With what i saw just now, i think my school days are over.

Fat patient: Doctor, I desperately want to
lose weight.


Doctor: It's easy. Just keep shaking your
head, left and right.


Fat patient: All the time?


Doctor: No, only when someone offers you
food..

I was in a job interview today. The interviewing manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me." So I put the laptop under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home. Eventually he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!" I said, "$200 and it's yours."

3 WAYS To CATCH A TIGER. . . 1- Newton's Method = Allow the tiger to catch you & catch the Tiger. 2- Einstein's Method = Chase the tiger until it becomes tired, then catch it. 3- Police Method = Catch a cat and beat it until it accepts its a tiger.

WHAT PART GOES FIRST The Sunday School teacher was speaking to her class one Sunday morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven ... which part of your body goes first?" Suzie raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands." "Why do you think it's your hands, Suzie?" Suzie replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first!" "What a wonderful answer!," the teacher said. Now, Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Teacher, I think it's your legs." The teacher looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?" Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night, Mommy had her legs in the air and she was shouting, 'God, I'm coming!' And if Dad hadn't had her pinned down, we'd a lost her for sure!!".

A doctor asked a pregnant prostitute who the father of her baby was. Her answer was: Doctor, if you ate a can of beans, would you know which one made you fart?...

*1st daughter: "Dad, I am a lesbian".* *Dad: "Oh okay !!"* *2nd daughter: "I am a lesbian too..."* *Dad: "Jesus Christ, does anyone in this family love men?"* *Son: "I do...".*

2 years ago.. I stole a Lamborghini and drive to castle gardens.. Then I killed 6 ppls for no reason. Then I went to a club and triggered a bomb and ran away. Then I quit playing GTA..

Once my chinese friend was in the hospital..
before he died he said "something in
chinese"''*******' And died.. i got really sad. So I
decided to go to china and learn chinese.
After 3 years of learning chinese.. turns out
he told me to get my foot of the oxygen
tube..

The class teacher asks students to name an animal that begins with an E. One boy says: “Elephant.” Then the teacher asks for an animal that begins with a T. The same boys says: “Two elephants.” The teacher sends the boy out of the class for bad behaviuor. After that she asks for an animal beginning with M. The boy shouts from the other side of the door: “Maybe an elephant!”

A boy says to a girl, "So, sex at my place?" "Yeah!" "Okay, but I sleep in a bunk bed with my younger brother, and he thinks we're making sandwiches, so we have to have a code. Cheese means faster and tomato means harder, okay?" Later on the girl is yelling, "Cheese cheese, tomato tomato!" The younger brother says, "Stop making sandwiches! You're getting mayo all over my bed!"