₦airaland Forum

sweetmadam:
Give him an ultimatum to make up his mind

I don't think giving an ultimatum would help in this respect. As long as he doesn't have the necessary papers, he will not take the risk.
I feel like I've been asking him tons of questions already, and it looks like there are many many more to ask. Any suggestions as to what would be the right ones to ask in order to find out how genuine he is towards me ?
He often asks me what it is I want him to do to solve the problem, but I honestly don't know what to answer.

r231:
well it depends on how long you have been seeing him and how long he has left for the whole paper issue

I met him in August and he's been married since April, so still some time to go.

sweetmadam:
I hope you realise that only a very small of married men involved in extra-marital affairs actually leave their wives.

I do realize that. On the other hand, there are countless stories on here of women who have been left by their Nigerian husband after he got the papers OR white women on here are being warned for being used for papers only.

I agree with you though that it's not "done".

Are you referring to me demystify ?

He said he's married. About what else could he be lying? I know she's living in a different country and that he's not regularly seeing her, so that's not the lie. He also told me that he is sleeping with her when she does come over, so he didn't picture that nicer than it really is either. I know he lies to her, just because there is too much at stake for him, which I can understand (even though it's not easy to deal with heartwise).
Or you people think that he might be married for keepers and lies to me as an excuse for being unfaithful towards her? I'm not sure why he would be doing that as there are no intentions for them to be living in the same country any time soon.
Anyway, every comment is appreciated as it helps to see things from a different angle. Sometimes we do not see the trees through the forest when you're too deeply involved in a situation.

@ Ebonyeyes: he's not in the UK. For privacy reasons I do not want to get into details regarding the country he's living in, but the law should not be too different. He says he should be married for at least a year and could then file for divorce.

@ Debest: I know the story is definitely not strange. I just need to sort out how I really feel about all this and whether indeed I want to hang on or not. He is indeed not keen on the woman he got married to, but it was his last resort of being able to stay in Europe. He does not feel particularly well with the situation either, but says that in a way he's glad he met me AFTER the time he was in a desperate situation, because had I been the one he met at the time, I would never be sure if he really liked me or needed me for the papers, whereas now I should be sure about his feelings for me.

@ Anabel: I see your point about unfaithfullness, although I don't think that this is the case here. He sees "his wife" every few months for a couple of days only, so it can't be called a real relationship in the first place.

@ Tutuola: you're right. I am not thrilled by the fact that he is sleeping with her when she comes over, to say the least. You're also right by saying that he should be honest with both of us, but as he's afraid of losing whatever he has achieved so far paperwise, he just can't tell her what's going on or that would really endanger his situation.

Hello everyone,

I have been seeing a Nigerian guy as of recent, who told me fairly early in the relationship that he is married for papers to someone else. They are not living together, in fact, they both live in different countries, and once every few months they need to visit eachother in order to do the necessary with immigration etc.  The fact remains that they have/had a real relationship and do sleep together when that happens. She's in love with him, and he claims he's "showing her love" for the sake of his papers and will continue to do so as long as needed to get what he wants.
He realizes the difficult position he's put me in but has no alternative at the moment.

Needless to say that this situation is confusing me and I am not sure how to deal with it. Are there any ladies out there who have had similar experiences?  Or other valuable comments from anyone?