₦airaland Forum

DarqChild: First off I really am 20. Well I guess I grew up around men who were really responsible and knew what they were and are still doing in life and a lovely mother too who though strong and independent has a humble and loving spirit. I have sisters and the first thing they learn is that a woman doesn't raise her voice to get her point across. No shouting or screaming. " Harsh words causes war and gentle words are as sweet as honey to the soul." That's somewhere in the Proverbs. They are taught to try and discuss there opinion in a respectable manner and if its not taken up they at least trust us the men to protect them. If any of my sisters happens to be a nag and a glorified bitch I have no business defending her when someone beats her up or worst. But being that I trust them and know what they are capable of just a tear drop from any of them is enough to send me into rage feats. I have been in a relationship where everything was smooth sailing and then she found out that she is 2 years older than me (though we both really didn't know until the day it came up accidentally) and decided that I didn't deserve to be the man in the relationship due to the age difference. I had to seat her down and talk things through with her. After a while she called and told me she wanted to break things up with me....Mind you I did love this said young lady. I asked her why she wanted to break things off with me (at least to learn from my mistake against any future relationship and be a better man) and she gave me the excuse that it was because she was older than me. I chuckled and maybe laughed out loud for about 2 minutes and asked her to have her way and do what ever she wanted. 2 weeks later she called back asking to get back together but I vehemently refused. I didn't even want to be "just friends" with her because human psychology has thought me that no matter what happens she will still have that notion and may relapse to her former attitude that led to the whole break up.
I have cases of the girls in my life feeling a bit disrespected or insulted by me and when they call me to it and I find out that I really insulted them I endeavor to apologize and make necessary amends but if I feel they are just trying to raise dust and get me rattled up I just ignore them and I won't apologize. But like I said you have to know what you really want in a relationship Dear.....don't just rush into a relationship out of desperation. There must be a connection, understanding and mutual respect in a relationship for it to last and finally....let the man be the man. And always...HUMILITY AND RESPECT.

Your response is one of the best responses I've heard on this thread. Thank you so much for your input. Your parents did a wonderful job.

coogar: yes.....
i have been to greensboro. UNCG to be exact, back in the days.

Wow, I went to NC A&T State University

dinachi: My joy in all these is that you are retracing your steps. It is not too late to make a change. Please ignore those who are only out to seek attention. They won''t make any meaningful contribution to the discussion at hand because they have no useful opinion. Hold your head high and do the needful, you will be alright.

You're a blessing Dinachi

Nashville: Guy, you don comot the "before" you wrote earlier? That gave you away. For your information, I have been to Charlotte severally and got job offers from Bank of America and Wachovia about eight years ago. Just about seven hours drive from Nashville! This ya Engrish sounds more Naija than American!

Anyway have fun!

You are something funny. I was born and raised in the US and you are determined to make me Nigerian. Lol....maybe you know where my ancestors are from. That's great because I don't. It's caught up somewhere in those slave records. Can you perhaps tell me what tribe I'm from? I've always wanted to know.

What you will see glorified in America are women who
- don't take no mess from there husbands
-make 6 or 7 figures a year
-don't need no man to "do their thang"
-will tell you like it is if you say something out of line
-constantly says "YOU CANT TELLLLLLLLLL ME WHAT TO DO"

What you will no longer see glorified here are women who
- allow the men to lead their household
-decide to live on what he makes and cut back on the higher lifestyle
- stay home and raise her children so that she can teach them boundaries instead of being taught by the wicked world at a young age.
-learn humility and respect and know that it's about her and her family, not just her.
-learn how to use her femininity to change a situation instead if a nagging mouth and pride which would only make matters worst.

If you want an example of how corporations capitalize off of feminism please look at the video and read the article attached. If after watching this, you feel that this corporation cares one moment beyond cashing in on more dollars, you are sadly mistaken. And this video does not shove it down your throat. It is very subtle things. Women can be just like men.....and when we are stop calling us names like pushy, arrogant, etc. In the meanwhile, I see women in the states that frown upon "Homemakers" and women that stay hime with their children.

http://www.slate.com/blogs/xx_factor/2013/12/10/_pantene_labels_ad_campaign_when_is_it_ok_to_use_feminism_in_advertising.html

Nashville: Guy, you don comot the "before" you wrote earlier? That gave you away. For your information, I have been to Charlotte severally and got job offers from Bank of America and Wachovia about eight years ago. Just about seven hours drive from Nashville! This ya Engrish sounds more Naija than American!

Anyway have fun!

I really don't know how I can prove who I am. If you think I'm a regular on the site so be it. Again, I appreciate everyone who is leaving advice

ileobatojo: Ok, I'll bite.

So after finally seeing through generations of smoke, what you've learned from it all is how to date, marry and keep an abusive loser? What a great antifeminist lesson to learn! Wish you all the best with your newfound epiphany.

That's not what I'm saying at all. In my post you'll notice that I said I don't agree with the violence but what was different about the responses were the genuine response from those that have husbands that told the lady to pray about and USE HER FEMININITY to change the situation. I'm learning that you don't have to use your mouth, loud talking, head rolling, ways to correct the situation. Humility is not even a term used. We have just as much PRIDE AND EGO as a man. And again, I'm learning that you can't combat pride with pride. It only causes a pride war because he is now busy trying to keep his manhood.....and at the end of the day, the situation wasn't made better in the household....you just proved that to BIG EGOS can start tearing down the family.

coogar: i am starting to believe you.
where in NC are you? durham, greensboro or charlotte?

G'boro. Have you been to NC?

coogar: i am starting to believe you.
where in NC are you? durham, greensboro or charlotte?

Greensboro. Have you been here before?

bukatyne: @OP:

I doubt feminism makes people rude and bitter and without feminism you could still be this way

Since you have known your error and want to change, the following would help:

Love your self, develop a healthy self esteem and be confident in yourself. Most rude people have low self esteem and have demons they are fighting within. Being confident will help you acknowledge the fact that you are not perfect and needs someone to complement you

Learn how to be polite and humble to everyone no matter their station in life. Your character to random people matter a lot. I don't mean you should be a walk over: you can assert yourself without being rude

When you get a man or if you have one, learn to treat him the way he treats you (I want to assume you would choose a resppnsible man). Learn to also study and understand him so that you can respond accordingly to him as an individual. Different things make different men tick so know what makes yoir own man tick.

Also realize that there are some things he can do better than you; tap into it freely and vice versa. I am not talking of generic gender roles. Learn to make him feel loved and proud to be with you. Learn to talk to him respectfully and air your grievances with love

Learn to be yourself without pretense and always put him in your shoes when relating with him.

Love it!

damiso: All causes e.g the Civil Rights movement, the Abolitionist, Feminist movement etc yielded results that we are all enjoying today so abeg chill out.

I think this threads should go to culture sef.We no want gender wars on family section.

Trust me, I know that the civil rights and abolitionist played a huge role in making the world a better place. I live in one of the most diverse cities over here that is still strung with racism. I went to a college that is known internationally for helping with the Sit-in movement. The same college Jessie Jackson came out of.....that Martin Luther King visited. I know that the women's movement was needed because women couldn't even own land here so if her husband died she was out of luck. But I also know that our government helped to amp this up bc during World War II, most men were out for war and they needed production to continue at home. They needed taxes to still come in so they helped to hype up this propaganda for women to fill the roles of men. And it has gone too far. And as a woman living here....who grew up here....I am finally seeing through 4 and 5 generations of smoke. And I want different. That's all

This is my first time on this site. I am 35 from America. I live North Carolina. I've been here most of my life. I found this site after googling a relationship topic. Feminist threads came up and I wanted to post my own experience.

@darqchild. You comment is priceless. You can't be 20. Those words come from elder men over here (who spent years like me trying to learn). I haven't read books on the origin of the feminist movement, but I can say I grew up in it and it has turned the world upside down. It's like sweet candy....at first it tastes so good....then after too much your teeth are rotting out.

Question
Do you have sisters? If so, how did you mom teach her to follow what you wrote.
Have you been involved with a woman that did respect you and respect your role? How did she handle a situation when she felt,disrespected by you?....and how did you respond?

I am a 35 year old single female from America. (Well, from Africa, but my ancestors were brought over years ago on a slave ship....okay, getting off course). I came across this forum last night while Googling some relationship advice and I really didn't know what Nairaland was. I thought it was a typical American thread site. I read a post that someone put up about her husband slapping her after something she said and he was mad at her for 3 days. Oh boy, so I started reading the comments. What I thought I was going to read were the typical comments such as:

-girl, you need to leave him. He don't respect you.
-you need to divorce him RIGHT NOW
-you don't need to have your kids around that man because any man that will put his hands on you will hit your kids.
-you deserve better than that low life. There are a thousand other men out here.
-it doesn't matter what you said, he needs to learn how to control himself.

Instead of those comments I was reading words of wisdom from women that were more forgiving, humble, focused on keeping a happy home, praying for her husband. I don't agree with a man hitting but the advice that I was reading nearly brought me to tears. I thought it was a joke at first. Seriously. I looked at my computer like what is Nairaland?? I found out it was Nigerian and it made sense to me. I started reading other threads and I can tell that the WOMENS FEMINIST MOVEMENT is starting to creep in and becoming popular there and I am here to give you my story first hand on what it causes.

I am a fourth generation feminist child meaning the fight for women to be "equal to men" started before my grandmothers years. It didn't affect my grandmother as much as it affected my mother and aunts....and of course it has ruined my life. The feminist movement strips away every power that a woman has to be feminine, to support her husband, to build a solid home, to make her kids and hubby her main priority, to be humble, to be humble, to be humble. Women here DEMAND respect.....but we don't know how to get it without running our mouth, nagging, and all out stripping the man of everything he is in order to get our respect. We stress how WE AS WOMEN can work just like a man and do what men can do. We say we love him all day long but we don't respect him. And in doing all of this our marriages aren't lasting. Our children are being raised in day care and schools and being taught just whatever. We are a mess over here. And some women are slowly realizing that something isn't right but for the most part EVERYTHING around us is driven by this feminist movement. TV shows and commercials reinforce the same message. It show women who are pretty and look feminine that run the house, they tell there husbands what to do, they are THE BOSS....they don't respect him as being a man.

And when I look at my life, I know that I'm lost. I know there is a reason that I'm 35 and single. It took me until now to stop blaming other people and look at me. My mother is a head strong woman. She has a beautiful heart and loves people but she runs the household. She tells her husband what to do. They bicker all the time. Any time she feels he's not doing something right, she begins nagging him. It's all about how she feels. She cooks for him when she feels like it. If he doesn't fix up the house or comes in from work and watch movies while home, she gets mad because he isn't working. Unfortunately I am the same way, probably worst. I don't nag as much because I saw my mother doing it and I hate it.....but I am head strong and have no self control. Meaning, I always make sure that I don't have to depend on a man. I make sure to make my own money and when it boils down to it, I can take care of myself. I have no self control over my mouth or actions. If I get really mad, I say disrespectful things and if it gets too bad and my feelings are really hurt I start hitting. I can lose respect for him in a second. When I look at myself in the mirror, I see a pretty FOOL. If I was with an African guy, I would get worse than a slap. I probably wouldn't have any teeth. And to make matters worst, when you feel bad and you go and talk to your girlfriends here for advice, many if them laugh or don't see a problem with it because we all act like fools over here. It's all about us....and making sure we get respect. It's EVERYWHERE AROUND US. The other advice that you would get is what I listed above, when I thought this was an American site. (Girl, just leave him....it's so many other men out here.)

I hate the way that I am. I don't want to be like this. You think this feminine crap is cool at first until all of these feminine women begin to really act like men. It's not cool. I'm so sick of it. I wish I could be like some of you women in this forum. I wish I grew up around the wisdom that you all give to your daughters, sisters, and friends. I'm thirsty for true guidance and to see how a NON FEMINIST operate. I'm determined to make a change in my life....no matter how hard. I want to learn self control, and compassion, and humility, and I guess I can start by reading some of your advice in this forum. Please give advice on

-How you operate as a lady, wife, mother
-how do you handle situation when you feel like your husband has disrespected you.
-when your husband or boyfriend has done wrong by you....and what to do instead of yelling, cursing, trying to get him back, or hitting
-how and what is being humble?? Give examples.
-how to respect your husband and make him feel great as a man.
-how to respect your husband even when he has disrespected you.

Please help

This may sound elementary but I'm starting over. If it takes me until I'm 45 to have a great, successful relationship, so be it.


Signed,
Your Feminist sister.....that's SICK of this feminist mess!

Help.