₦airaland Forum

thank you freecocoa and also to your side-kick 'cococandy' i appreciate your time and comment, but my dear i noticed you were beginning to take it all personal, i see how you slowly but steadily seek to deteriorate this thread into a platform for verbal confrontation, well....i will let it slide and pretend i didn't get the silly message you sent across.

you cant tell me there are no domestic chores you happily did as a little girl that you do not find too comfortable doing now....and if there isn't, then i see the syndrome of confusing stupidity with humility playing on you.
you cited instances where you had to push the barrow in a cousins wedding as well as fetch water with your friends....it beats my imagination that you find this crappy analogy fit for comparison with my case, if this cousin of yours had to share the duties of the washing, cleaning, cooking, et el and decides to hand you the barrow-pushing part, i guess it will go down well with you right?....my argument is that you choosed to do it yourself, it wasn't placed on you!...it is different to be coming back from say school, and i see my mum, aunt, uncle or even elderly neighbor, pushing a wheel-barrow and decide to collect it from them and push it back home, but to have them single me out to push a barrow? i say no! mind you, i have been doing this job all through my teenage years and even while in the university. their is nothing wrong with doing it, i know! but am no more comfortable with doing it! i happily do other chores you can ever think of, am that well breed and proud to say that am neither proud nor lazy.

lastly, if i remember clearly this thread was directed to a certain group of people (THE MATURE MUMMIES IN THE HOUSE). am sure you are not a mummy, and to whether you are even mature at all, well....your comments so far says it all! so please, i never solicited for advice from the young girls in the house or a 23 & 1/2 year old girl, your posts and comments on the romance section paints at least a good picture of your personality...you are too young to comment here...KEEP OFF! the mamas have commented, i have learnt, made my adjustments and corrections.

and also dear, you may want to check your choice of words, cause you were like "Just imagine, I'm older than him too"...i swear you cant look me in the face and tell me that! because i will squash your brains!!....and you concluding am proud from a single event and thread....is like me concluding you are a prostitute from the little you wrote on the romance and sexuality section , i have had enough experiences with girls of your age who believe anything younger than them should be treated with contempt.

so please mind your track...and also, "no insults intended"!

5minsmadness:
No its not. Its your perception towards yourself that is humiliating. The public loses interest in you the moment you leave their sight. If you change tomorrow they will acknowledge it. The key lies with you.


Your hormones acting up. You should have simply said "ok mum" then called the truckpushers and paid them money from your own wallet to carry the firewood home. It will also be a message to your mom that you're not her little kid anymore.

Or you could have done what I did(metaphorically speaking). Carry the firewood home with humility then in the evening go to mum's room and have a small chat with her. Let her know you love her and are willing to do as she says but some tasks like the one she gave you that day were demeaning and you would like to do it by paying the truckpushers next time.



Nah...this approach doesn't work. She sees it as you rebelling. Anything you want to do, do it in her front at that time. Either obey her or have it done your way at that time but in a polite manner of course.

But as soon as she begged you bro you should have done it. Another opportunity to assert yourself will definitely come. I know the type.



Mother's blackmail. Dust it off your shoulder and don't let it bug you. If you let it stick she'll be the one choosing a wife for you and telling you how to run your home.


Loooool. I didn't realise you were addressing this to the women. It will be interesting to read their point of view.

thanks bro....yours was the perfect, you hammered the nail on the head! and to think this is coming from a male...wow, thanks again.

crackhaus:
Interesting read.

I'm sorry to say, but if you're not naturally the kind of person to stand up to your mom (or anyone older than you for that matter), you will always end up feeling guilty after every little disagreement with her.

This does not mean you should always stand up to her in all instances, it just means you should know when and how to pick your battles.
The firewood thing is really not a big deal, and as 5minsmadness put it - you could have just engaged the barrow pusher in transporting the firewood and paid him for his service from your pocket, all this without your mother knowing...and even if she did end up knowing, she can't say you disobeyed her cos the firewood got home as she requested.

The majority of Nigerian moms who like to control and manipulate their children through emotional blackmail, usually get the shock of their lives when they find out their little girl/boy isn't so little anymore - they will resist at first, but after a while they start loosening their grip and trusting your decisions and judgement.

You're just 23 and yours is coming late if you ask me, my faceoff with my mom started much earlier when I was 16 - I used to be downright stubborn, cold hearted, and hot-headed anyway... so it does depend on personality as there are some men who still do mommy's bidding even in their 30s.

For now, you just apologize to her and explain why you did what you did - that should calm her oh-no-he-didn't nerve.

thank you!.....i will do exactly as you have directed in your last statement (apologize), and hope the incident would be a message that will subvert such problems in the future.

aisha2:
Motherhood comes with a lot of power. You carry a life for 9 months, birth the child to life and grow one till almost forever here.
However, power can be and is abused. Here we have a repressive culture which accords so much power to parents and mothers in particular, some mothers do not know how to manage this power and abuse it using emotional blackmail, physical violence, threats of curses etc. Some carry on even in adulthood, even when their kids get married, it is their way or the high way.

Mothers may mean well but a time comes when you listen to your kids and let them live their own lives and accord the kids respect.

You love and respect your mother, tell her that you love her, you respect her but you are also at an age where you too deserve some respect. Soon you will leave her house and move away God willing this period should be a bonding period for you both and not a fighting and quarrelling period.

Tell her that please if she is upset with you at this age you both can dialogue and it doesn't have to be shared with all your younger sibblings.

Your mom may be feeling like she is loosing her power over you and so she feels she needs to do all these to hold on to the power and control she has over you.

Most parents find it hard to let go but they would have to at some point

Don't get emotional or angry or loose your senses, just have a practical and respectful talk with your mom

you are very right ma....most of my peers already see me as "mummys boy" that would never grow-up, infact a female course mate of mine once approched me on a faithful day and asked me "why are you always afraid"...my joy is that this would be a message to my mum that am not comfortable with such treatment and would avoid future reoccurrance.

thank you very much, for your intelligent (and truly matured post).

sandiyke:
@op, first of all, its a pity the way you feel, I totally understand you.

From your post, you are a young man and having lack of self confidence at 23 is depriving and will continue to deprive you of your youthful vibe if you don't do anything about it.

The step you took took to put an end. To further reoccurance for me is a right one. You just have to stand up and fight to set things straight atimes.

Your mum definately is hurt because she sees it as disobedience. I would advice you go to her when she has calmed down and explain how these things make you feel.

Please as you have started those resistance don't ever succumb. I wish you the best

thanks mam...i appreciate your time and comment, God bless you.

crackhaus:
Interesting read.

I'm sorry to say, but if you're not naturally the kind of person to stand up to your mom (or anyone older than you for that matter), you will always end up feeling guilty after every little disagreement with her.

This does not mean you should always stand up to her in all instances, it just means you should know when and how to pick your battles.
The firewood thing is really not a big deal, and as 5minsmadness put it - you could have just engaged the barrow pusher in transporting the firewood and paid him for his service from your pocket, all this without your mother knowing...and even if she did end up knowing, she can't say you disobeyed her cos the firewood got home as she requested.

The majority of Nigerian moms who like to control and manipulate their children through emotional blackmail, usually get the shock of their lives when they find out their little girl/boy isn't so little anymore - they will resist at first, but after a while they start loosening their grip and trusting your decisions and judgement.

You're just 23 and yours is coming late if you ask me, my faceoff with my mom started much earlier when I was 16 - I used to be downright stubborn, cold hearted, and hot-headed anyway... so it does depend on personality as there are some men who still do mommy's bidding even in their 30s.

For now, you just apologize to her and explain why you did what you did - that should calm her oh-no-he-didn't nerve.

thanks alot...i actually intended employing the services of a barrow pusher, i bought the wood myself, i wasnt even expecting my mum to suggest to me how to bring them home...but since she did, and found me worthy of the task, i decided not to be involved in it at all..once again thank you.

freecocoa:
I do understand how you feel and it's only normal that your mum sends you on errands, the problem now is knowing where to draw the line(although most parents don't even know there's a line), you just have to have a heart to heart with her and make her realize some chores should be left to the younger ones.
As for the firewood issue, I see no big deal there as you don't expect your mum to push the barrow herself and she may have expected you to carry it yourself because it may be easier for you to do than your younger sister, you don't have to be ashamed, afterall na that wood una go take cook wetin una go chop, what if you lived alone and needed the wood and couldn't find anyone to carry it, would you rather not eat than push a barrow of firewood?
I understand that some chores may look insulting but trust me, it's not always that way, my people say "Onye fe eze, eze eruo ya aka" meaning, he who honors a king gets to be a king someday.

thank you very much freecocoa, but you seem to be contradicting your self....i just explained and expressed the circumstances that ignited this ugly incidence, and i believe i did justice by tabling our different sides of the story(to the best of my ability, without bias)....but from your post at one side you were like ''make her realize some chores should be left to the younger ones''....and in another part you said "I see no big deal there as you don't expect your mum to push the barrow herself and she may have expected you to carry it yourself because it may be easier for you to do than your younger sister, you don't have to be ashamed, after all na that wood una go take cook wetin una go chop"
now you sound just like my mum! but dont forget their were other means of doing this without raising dust...we could have easily payed a barrow-pusher to cart them to my house...my bitterness sprang from the fact that my mum of all people, saw it as normal to send me on such an errand without even flinching an eyelid....it was like the public pronouncement that i was doomed to a life of worthlessness!!

forgive my realism dear....but if you honestly do not see anything wrong in me pushing a wheel-barrow full of firewood..i doubt if you would see anything wrong in me doing any other dehumanizing chore at all!

I have always had one problem....my self confidence!, am 23 and a graduate(graduated last year November-December session) living with my parents and presently awaiting service.on several occasions i have made appraisals of the bulk virtues that make up my personality, and as certain as expected, my self- worth,prestige,pride,confidence,and every other behavioral trait that accompanies a persons esteem has always been as low as possible. and to tell you the truth, am not happy. because the public and social perception towards me is humiliating.

like the usual me, i took some time to meditate on my condition and if possible draw solutions that would help build my personality. but before that i decided to reflect on my background to unravel and understand the very source of my timidity...like magic, a very obvious yet unnoticed realization dawned on me.you see, I grew under a very dominating and possessive mother who would have you do her bid at any cost(i suppose this is normal, and should be interpreted as respect)i always did all i was instructed to do with joy, and even the devil knew my mum was proud and happy with me. but things are getting a bit moldy, as the domestic chores are becoming too humiliating for me to handle, because at 23 i believe their are certain things that should be left for the younger ones, and i understand that this is not pride.

something happened just yesterday that got me thinking...it so happened that we(i and my mum) went on a morning visit to an old neighbor, and after the visit, on our way back we saw from far across the street, some local truck firewood sellers, and because we had depleted our stock at home, she instructed me to go buy some...i went, bought, counted and arranged them to be packed while my mum continued her discussion with the old neighbor. when i was done, i showed and explained to her how the transaction went with the sellers....and in a loose statement my mum asked me to go bring the wheel-barrow at home and cart the firewoods back home! i was shocked!...my intention was to call the local truck pushers[b](wheel-barrow pushers)[/b] to cart the woods home, but realizing that my mum could conceive and instruct me to do this in an area where am well known and have mentees in school who somewhat respect me by virtue of academics, i was red with anger, green as bile...and honestly could taste the bitterness in my mouth.

i went home and decided to be sure i actually heard her correctly...i summoned our 4th born(am the first) who is 16 to go cart the woods back home. she went, only to come back with my mum...my mum confronted me on the issue, and i honestly explained my side and position on the issue to her....she proceeded to beg me, but i declined...knowing fully well it would reoccur if i let it happen...now she is angry with me!

just this morning she called a meeting after the morning prayers, expressing her disappointment towards my attitudes the day before, she bombarded me like the Palestinians,she recounted all that she has done for me and how important she was to me...she stressed that for the fact that she begged me, i should never have refused her!...now am confused! cause i know my mum more than i know the number of fingers on my hands...something worse would reoccur, you should also reason it that for her to have instructed me to do this, i have been doing other not-too comfortable domestic chores.i love my mum, and am not happy that she is not happy....but am more unhappy that she chooses to deprive me of any sense of pride and would rather have me humiliated to proof my love and respect....

mummies in the house, please clear me on this...i don't intent to be arrogant, but i also don't intend to remain a baby or a man with a deflected self-worth, esteem or with the confidence of a little boy.