₦airaland Forum

I am late 20's and he is early 30's. We have been seeing oneanother for two months. We have shared a bed on numerous occasions because I live an hour from him and when we go out and if it involves having a few drinks, I stay in his house with him on his invitation but he has never tried anything at all. He hasn't even touched my bosoms, outside or inside my clothes, Nothing at all. We have had some steamy kissing sessions and still his hands have not wandered. Dont get me wrong. I hate sleasy guys who try it on too quickly. I love to be respected so I have been quite happy with this but I feel that at this stage things should be moving on and I feel it is very out of the ordinary for a guy to be so hands off especially in the situations we have been in ie. sleeping in the same bed. Normally in such situations you would have to lay down the ground rules for the guy but it hasnt been necessary with this guy.

In general he can be quite distant with me. I feel it's hard to get close to him. It's like as if there is some sort of barrier up. He also is not great for contacting me during the week.

He really takes care of himself, lives in the gym, hair is immaculate, and once I caught him using makeup to cover a spot.

Could he be gay? His mannerisms etc. are not at all feminine but I just have this niggling feeling. He had one long term relationship about 5 years ago but it was long distant so they only saw oneanother at weekends and after that there has been nobody. It seems a bit strange for a guy his age and also he is a very attractive guy, realy handsome and trendy. Can anyone shed any light or offer up some opinions on this?

andromida:
Dont call him again. why should you accept to be treated carelessly. whatever issues he is dealing with, let him when he is through and sure he wnts you he will come back and if he isnt sure what he wants he"ll come back with his careless treatment. good you made a sound decision just stick to it.

kpolli:
cant really say much cos some guys behave odd when they r in love so i cant really give u a definite answer but follow your heart

I probably wont contact him because he did say that he would be in touch with me so I think it is up to him. I know that I will be really hurt if he goes away and doesnt contact me beforehand. This will obviously mean that I meant nothing to him. But I suppose I will just have to wait and see.

horny4u:
Oh I picked it up clearly and understand u have not bedded him I am saying to date on a serious note that will lead somewhere you must ask questions, you must interogate him, set high standards when you go out and he introduces you its as what? Does he aim to provide for you? Does he step up to protect you e.g on the road where cars are etc. Forget his handsome too many of those lazy handsome ones. Let him know what you need from him, if he playing mind games then u wanna drop the bad story also keep your mutual alarena away cos its bad habit for a relationship that will lead to a marriage. Let him knoe u aint no anything goes.
Jumpoff one night stand se.x no need to ask him questions, try not to be needy, if he playing u games don"t mind, just take anything he throws your way as long as u get the canesugar.
But I have a feeling u want the ring you gotta be strong n firm and assertive with direction n focus o jare

I get what you are saying but the real problem is that I kissed his friend and have apologised for this and owned up to it straight away and he is going away for 3 months and even though he says he is ok with what happened although a little p****d off over it, he said he wants to see me before he goes etc but it has been two weeks since that conversation and he hasnt been in touch and he is leaving in 3 weeks. So that is the real issue.

Cool, thank you for that. I was just all over the place because I felt that maybe I needed to contact him after the kiss but I think I have done all that I can do or should do. If he calls, I am not going to answer him straight away. I will let it ring out and then I will ring him back an hour or so later, just to keep him from thinking I am sitting around waiting for his call and if he doesnt call then it is his loss. Thanks again for the advice.

horny4u:
@ serene
Are u looking to be a wifey or a jumpoff, hey babes I am not judging you but you are worthy of your needs to count.
Wifey dating tips
Hold the punny away for atleast 3months
Interogate the guy
Ask him about his plan for his future
Ask him his plans for you
Will continue tomorow sha no that its jumpoff that donot have questions ultimatum
Etc.
New guy will come be firm n hold heart away till its safe

I dont understand your lingo, What's a wifey and a jumpoff? Punny? I think you may have not picked up my post correctly. Thanks anyway.

sauer:
^^I hope you have it all under control. Good thinking to leave it up to him. Just don't call. Let your friends know about your decision and help keep you in check. Just saying, meanwhile, dont let 'em make u go back on your decision.

Ya my friends are very supportive and they feel I am doing the right thing, Can I ask you? No matter what happened, ie. the kiss and once he knows how much of a mistake it was and he knows that it was out of character for me, if he had enough interest in me, would this stop him from contacting me before he goes? I'm just curious as to what you think? I am still sticking to my decision

sauer:
I hope you don't run back to him after writing this. But seriously, he doesn't appear quite interested in you. If he were, then he didn't use a good chance to show it: when you confessed to kissing his friend. A guy who likes you to pieces will get angry for sure; and will only relax after a while. Again, he doesn't call often which isn't a good sign. I'd advise you to take charge of your life, try forgetting him and cook up a supporting story for your head. If he likes you and wants an exclusive with you, he'll surely call. oh yes, he will.

Honestly I wont be running back to him after this, No way!! I'm quite strong when need be. In relation to the part about him not getting angry over the kiss. I didnt go into too much detail surrounding this as my post was quite long but he was pretty angry over it. He shouted a little on the phone and was having none of my reasoning. After a long chat he finally softened after I explained how it was a mistake and how I had been feeling. He didnt seem to understand why I would have been feeling this way so I had to explain to him why that would have been and to be honest I still dont know if he realises how I had been feeling or if he believes I am justified in feeling this way because I dont think he thought there was anything wrong in how he was acting. I honestly dont know if he sees that he was wrong in the way he carried on. But he eventually calmed down after persuasion from me but he did say that he will never speak to his friend again and I have it on good authority that he has stuck by this and is not talking to him to which I feel bad over because I am not that girl who causes drama. They were not best friends but they were buddies and he is hurt over it. He has told our mutual friend this and he told me on the phone that his head is fried over it and that he was really p****d off over it, Anyway I will try to just forget about it. It is an unusual situation. I wouldnt even be wondering about it, if the kiss hadnt happened but because that happened, I dont know now if he doesnt contact me its because of this or just because he is simply not interested but in saying that I have apologised once already and we werent in a commited serious relationship. I am not about to grovel so I wont be getting in touch with him. The ball is in his court. I would like us to part as friends and not on bad terms but that is up to him now.

livedit:
 I think you should just move on with your life.  You two only known each other for a couple of months and it seems you have way more of yourself (than him) invested into this "relationship".  At this point, I wouldn't contact him anymore.  You've already apologized and expressed your interest in him so the guy already knows how you feel about him.  You continue to contact him, you will *appear* desperate/clingly.   I would just let go.  If he contacts you before he leaves, fine.  If not, fine.  It's not the end of the world.  You really don't know this guy and the way he's been acting up until this point, he wasn't so "invested" to let you get to know him.  I'm not trying to be mean or harsh.  But it appears this guy isn't /wasn't wrapped into you as you were with him.  His actions spells it out loud and clear.  Even though he "says" he understand what you did with his friend, I'm sure that didn't win you any brownie points with him either.  But regardless, you two were NOT in a committed relationship so you ARE free to date or "kiss" whomever you want to kiss.  I'm pretty sure your not the only "tree" he has been climbing up.  I know you really like this guy and it may seem close to impossible forgetting about him and moving on with your life.  But I think you should treat him as if he never existed.  Meaning try going out with other men.  Try not to limit yourself to just one guy in dating.  Get out and meet other people.  That way, you won't get so emotionally "attached" into one person.  If you are the type who can only date one person at a time, then make sure or try harder not to wrap your life around the other person.  Nothing will turn a guy off faster if he meets are girl who makes him her life by acting like she don't have a life of her own.

Ya I think you may be right here. I would never normally have let it go on for as long as it did but we have a mutual friend who knows him very well and on occasions where I was ready to say right this is it, I'm finished with him she would explain to me that he is a very different guy and can be very hard to read and that she knows that he does really like me but because he was out of work etc. he found it difficult to organise to meet me when in his words "he has no money in his pocket"  so I guess I was trying to be understanding too, I havent contacted him since the time I rang him to apologise about what happened with his friend and I wont be contacting him either because the last thing I am is needy and I wouldnt give him the pleasure of thinking that I am upset over it all. I am going to leave it up to him and lets face it, what is meant for us wont pass us by. I can tell you that I always let him know that I had a life other than him. He often rang me when I was on my way out with friends and he knows that I always go to gigs and concerts and that I have a very active social life so I never lead him to believe that he was the bee all and end all. I too think that is not the way to go with a guy and to be honest I think I have confused him a little too because no matter how upset or annoyed I got I never gave in and contacted him when it was clearly up to him to do so. He is a good looking guy and I think he was used to girls chasing him. Well may I say that I am used to guys chasing me so I was never going to give in to that Ya I think it's definitely moving on time. Surely there has to be better than him out there for me

hunkyjohn:
OP, you are obviously very hurt and I can almost feel your pain from here. It may be difficult for you to accept but it seems the guy may not be too interested in the relationship. Before I say more can you answer these questions?

1. What's your age? (or age range).
2. Have you ever suffered a heart break before now or is this the first time you are falling in love?

I am 28 and yes I have been heartbroken before. The ultimate heartbreak. My sister died. I know he is not in another relationship. I know this for a fact because we have a mutual friend who would know if this were the case.

Why do you say that he doesnt like me?? What makes you think that?

Ok thanks, No we hadnt slept together

I had been seeing a guy for two months. I have to admit that I fell for him very fast. I really liked him but from the outset it had been very difficult and my head had been all over the place on many occasions because of him. He was really bad at contacting me and following through on his promises. For instance he would say would you like to get together during the week to watch a DVD or maybe cinema and I would say yes. He would then say he would be in touch to make arrangements and I might not hear from him for a whole week after this. This happened after nearly every date. However in saying that, we did see eachother every week since we first met and it was he who always asked me out. He never text or rang for just a chat or to see how things were and when I brought this up to him, he said he was useless for texting but he also commented that I never text him or ring him either but I am an old fashioned girl and I think at the start the guy should do the asking. Also, I didnt want to risk being a needy and pushy type of girl. When we were together things could not have been better. He was the perfect gentleman and so respectful and attentive but then the date would end and I would spend a week fretting because I wasnt hearing from him. I would be upset, not eating and in a horrible mood. I did up my game a little and I began to initiate contact just so that he would see that I was interested in him because he expressed to a mutual friend of ours that he felt he was always putting himself out there and that I never contact him so I improved on this. However he didnt really up his game and I didnt see much improvement from him. I got angry on one occasion and I just felt that enough was enough so I rang him after I got a text from him a whole week after our last date and on the last date he had promised we would get together during the week but this never happened so I kept very calm and[b][/b] just said to him that it was perfectly ok if he wasnt interested in me, I didnt mind but I just wanted to know because I didnt want to be wasting my time or be messed around and I said if you want to leave it and not see eachother anymore then lets just cut our losses now and I honestly thought that he would say ok maybe you're right but he didnt. He said no no, I dont want that, I want to keep seeing you. I had given him the perfect get out opportunity and he didnt take it. He seemed genuinely taken aback that I would even suggest it. In other aspects he seemed to like me because he introduced me to all his friends. He told me he was serious about me and saw us going somewhere and he said he thought of us as being exclusive. We never slept together even though we shared the same bed on numerous occasions but he was really respectful towards me. I do think this was close to happening but things got caught short. A week after he told me he was serious about me and we were exclusive, I got a phone call from him telling me he had been offered a job in another country and he was thinking about taking it. He was very relaxed about this and he just dropped it casually into conversation. I was shocked to say the least. We had a date arranged for the following night so I asked him was there any point in it if he was planning on taking off and he said he was sorry if he made me feel that way, that he was only thinking about it and had nothing set in stone so that was fine. I just decided that I would talk some more about it the next night with him but I didnt get the chance. The next day I got a phonecall from him basically saying that he had to cancel our date because he was going meeting his friends that night to book their flights. I was stunned. That was his way of telling me. I was with friends at the time so I couldnt say what I needed to say or ask him what I wanted to ask him. I just felt so hurt and let down. I cant explain how hurt I felt. I cried when I got home. It was horrible. The next day I was still feeling awful and he hadnt had the decency to contact me since his last phonecall. He had just left me hanging. I had plans to go out that night with friends and ended up drowning my sorrows I suppose, and drank a bit more than usual so I was pretty drunk and very vulnerable. One of his friends was there and when I was feeling at my lowest he made a move on me and we kissed very briefly. I felt so bad and utterly ashamed. A lot of my friends and family felt that I didnt owe the guy I was seeing anything bacause they felt he had treated me horribly and they felt that arguably he was saying it was over when he had rang me previously and in a way I can see where they were coming from but I felt guilty and didnt want him to hear it from his friend so I rang him and told him what happened and explained how I had been feeling and I apologised and told him how much of a mistake it was and how much I was regretting it. He wasnt happy and was clearly annoyed but after a long chat he said he wouldnt hold it against me. He said he knows what his friend is like and can see how it would happen. He said that he would like to stay in touch with me and when he gets home after 3 months that if we still felt the same then we could take up where we left off. He also said he would be in touch to arrange to meet up before he goes. It has been two weeks since that conversation and I havent heard from him. He is going away in another 3 weeks. I'm just at odds as to whether I should leave it up to him to get in touch because although I know I did a wrong thing, he hasnt treated me very well in all of this either and I feel genuinely hurt and cast aside and I dont want to make a fool out of myself either. I suppose I'm just confused now as to whether his lack of contact is because of his disinterest in me or because of what happened with his friend even though he said he wouldnt hold that against me. Should I just cut my losses? A person close to me said that he cant really think that much of me when he hasnt been in touch up until now. Maybe she's right. If I dont hear from him, should I send him a farewell text the night before he leaves or something like that or will the fact that he doesnt contact me before he goes away for three months speak volumes? I'm so confused!!!! Any advice or help would be greatly appreciated especially from any guys out there as I would like to know how you think in these circumstances!!