Bump.

Thank you very much for all the advice.

My fiancé has informed his mother and she was actually very happy about it and congratulated him. Now, we have to tell my mum (which is what I am petrified about). My fiancé and his mother are coming to my house to break the news personally. I wont be there...his mum said she wants to be present with her son (my fiancé) when breaking the news. Said she's even going to kneel down to beg my mother and ask for her forgiveness and also inform her that we'd like to bring the wedding forward.

I pray things go well...and my mother isn't too upset. Dreading it terribly. Please pray for me!

Thanks a lot for all your responses. The ring isn't going to be delivered to Nigeria, he has to travel to pick it up as soon as he gets time off work. He's buying a temporary ring until then so to be honest I'm not even concerned about that.

I'm anticipating that my mum will be disappointed but I'm hoping that she isn't too disappointed and shows some understanding.

We are thinking of June because by then I shouldn't be showing much but we can move it forward to may if necessary.... just need to break the news to our parents first which I'm really dreading...

Hi,

Would really appreciate your advice. Please try to be kind. I am extremely nervous and stressed out :-(. I'm a 29 year old female and my boyfriend is 33 years old. We are both working/ have decent jobs.

Some months ago, I started a relationship with a guy whom I had been friends with for a year. He's everything I've prayed for- gentle, kind, loving, committed and generous. We started the relationship and he quickly made it clear that he wanted to marry me.

He's met my mother and I've met his parents and they all approve. Our parents are however yet to meet and the plan was for them to do so very soon so we can commence weddng preparations. He's already ordered the ring but it's in Dubai and he can't get it until may.

He's supposed to see my mum this week in order to formally ask her permission to marry me. He's already informed her of his intention to marry me but now wants to formally seek her permission in line with Yoruba tradition.

However, yesterday I found out that I'm pregnant for him. He's very supportive and although naturally a bit scared he's happy and wants us to marry by June latest before I start showing.

We've agreed to inform out parents this week ( after he formally seeks my hand in marriage from my mother ) and thereafter commence preparations for our wedding in June. Right now, I'm just so terrified about how to tell my mum. She's a very strict christian in Mountain of Fire. She loves me but is deeply religious. She was pregnant for my dad before they got married but she's now a very strong christian so frowns on premarital sex.

I'm so terrified as I don't want to disappoint her. My boyfriend wants to marry me by June, no doubt about that and is being be supportive. He has offered to even go with me to tell my mum.

In a nutshell, I'm wondering how to go about telling my mum? Will she forgive me? Should we tel his parents first or tell my mum first ? Thanks a lot for reading.

None of the above, I personally don't find any of them attractive.

Elegantdiva:
Sunshine@ Yes... Yea..great improvement. I went mute for 3days. ( i wasnt replying his msgz) He had to plead thru my younger sis..For the past few days now, it has bin very fun nd romantic ..

I'm really happy to hear... silence really speaks volumes and nothing unsettles a man more than not being able to predict a woman or not knowing what a woman is thinking. I'll definitely take a cue from you. Hope things continue to improve further. Very best wishes.

Elegantdiva:
Wow. @ Martyn... Ur post got me woried..... ....@ Sunshine....So hapi for u...av fun gal

Hey ElegantDiva, how now? How are things with you and your boyfriend? Any signs of improvement or regression?

I mean if I cannot be certain that he didn't mess around there and a nagging doubt persists, I'll simply refrain from getting physically intimate with him including kissing and pre-intimacy etc. I will not share my body with a man who doesn't respect me enough to control his sexual urges for a few days. I know my worth and my value. This is a guy who would not forgive me if I ever cheated on him- he's said so before.

martyns303:


For your own sanity, just forget about the idea if he had sex or not. He's a man.

sorry he won't admit to it that he did had sex, that would be disrespectful and he also wouldn't want to hurt your feelings.

But if you really want to hear it, here it is, chances that he did had sex is 85%, I studied in SA and I built 200hrs flying time there, so I know the length of SA. SA women are beautiful as in no serious make up required, skin smooth and soft, shape to kill for, a33 to put Nicki Minaj to shame, and to make matters worst, they are very open, easier to approach and casual about sex, it's paradise for any straight black man. There's no way your guy who is apparently sex starved by u will see all that and not smack.

I went to SA 8th of July and stayed a week. Fun!!!

I'll be careful about how I broach the topic (IF I bring it up again) but why would I want to forgive someone whom I cant trust to keep it in his pants for 10 days or casually overlook his actions? Bear in mind that he spent half of the time attending conferences and stuff and only went clubbing on Thursday, Friday and Saturday I believe. There are beautiful women everywhere including Nigeria. You say SA is a paradise for every straight black man? Have you been to Miami? or Brazil? My point is temptation exists everywhere...it's not okay to justify a man's sexual misdeeds or shift responsibility by attributing blame to an availability of a wide pool of attractive women, rather than his weaknesses or greed.

The issue now is he's denied that anything happened...so I'm a bit confused about how to approach the topic without causing any rift or accusing him unfairly or nagging him or whatever.

PunkyVeer:


"Forward" how? Did he say?

No, not yet, but I intend clarify what he meant when we speak.

UPDATE: for those who are interested.

He's back from South Africa, spent a few days shorter than I thought he'd be spending, ended up being 10 days not 2 weeks.

In a nutshell, he admitted that SA girls can be quite forward, he said ''i can't lie, it's true'' lol. He also mentioned that he met new people and I asked if he met any babes and he said he did. He however laughed it off and assured me that ''nothing happened'' and I shouldn't worry. Also i playfully asked him for ''gist'' and he said there's really no gist. He did a bit of shopping, hung out with friends, met new people, attended concerts and had a relaxing holiday. By the way, I didn't ''attack'' him or anything, I broached the topic of babes in SA in a very friendly and casual manner, not in an accusatory tone.

Thoughts?

Will get more gist from him later when we speak, even though he's insisting there's no gist to share.

drnoel:


Wat u should be worried about is his returning alone not if he cheats.

I don't understand what you mean by ''his returning alone''. So you're suggesting he cheated and within a span of the few days he spend in SA (10 days), he's somehow managed to bring a South African girl with him to Nigeria? lol. Please explain what you mean, curious to know.

soilsista:
Lol PunkyVeer I'm shocked yazi! Speechless nje. What kind of nyolz is this mara? OP has every reason to be afraid. Akere we're man eaters? We eat them all She'll be very lucky if her boyfriend doesn't go back with his skhuftin

Nonsense post nje

If you don't have anything meaningful to contribute, you don't have to say anything at all. I don't really understand most of what you've typed though, speak English.

Youngpo413:
and you are not a virgin right,you can still give him sex like you've been giving to other,why is his case a big deal?somehow I feel like you advertising yourself too much,no offense...quote me and ill be waiting for you.

Well because you learn from past experiences. I really don't think sex is a requirement for a good relationship. Is it common in relationships? Yes. It is an absolute necessity? No. Honestly, I don't see the big deal in taking my time and developing the relationship FIRST before going down that route. Physical intimacy can be explored through other avenues for example handling, kissing and making out.

Care to explain what you mean by "'I feel like you are advertising yourself too much''. No offence taken by the way.

Elegantdiva:
very funny Vani. .if u ar a Nig, then u must b from the west

I feel like I have to correct the misimpression that ALL Nigerian men like thick women, it's simply not true. Stop pitting women against each other. I have many male friends (Nigerians even Yorubas) who prefer petite women with sizable and pert rather than large breasts and butts. Not every Nigerian man likes ''load''. Also some may enjoy it only for sexual adventures/ experimentation but not on a permanent basis (i.e. marry slim women). Some of these men have thick wives at home yet pursue tiny young girls. The reverse is also true, there are many Nigerian men who prefer thick women and who don't find slim women very attractive. No woman can be attractive to every single man.

mablie:
Don't believe her post completely.In Nigeria the most sexed and promiscuous men are the most financially buoyant ones.That's men in their 40s,50s,60s and sometimes even 70s and 80s.The economy is terrible.Many unemployed poor young people.Sex has become a commodity for sale especially amongst the ladies.Many of the guys on Nland are in their late teens and 20s still struggling financially.In other words;hustling virgin nice guys.If you don't have money as a young able bodied man in nigeria,your left hand will become your gf and wife.Sex_ual frustration among the young male population is very common.No romance without finance in this jungle

I agree with you to the extent that the financially buoyant men are extremely promiscuous simply because they can afford to fund the lifestyle that often accompanies promiscuity e.g. pursuing multiple women on a frequent basis, winning and dinning them etc, money is power. However based on observations and experiences, I disagree with the view that struggling or young Nigerians guys are not promiscuous. Not true.

vague:
Auntie Sunshine2016 it is when a lady thinks that her appearance alone will keep a man loyal to her that always lands her in messy relationships even Halle Berry herself was cheated on, what will make your appearance an exception? There is always a more attractive woman out there.

Your focus should be on whether you boyfriend is committed enough to keep it in his pants or not. Stop giving yourself a nose bleed over other girls, there do not know you and neither are they the ones in the relationship with you.

The day your self-worth stops being measured by how good looking you may think you are physically, is the day you will stop being insecure and over analysing everything.

Let me give you a sneak peek of what he may be dealing with to all these clubs he is going to....

I actually agree with everything you've said. It's a very superficial world and emphasis is placed on beauty, physical attributes and appearances, hence why it's easy to get sucked into that regressive line of thinking. If you recall, in my initial post, I explained that my insecurities or concerns were fuelled by the comments made by men on this website about SA women. Everything that was written by these men was centred on the proportions and sizes of body parts. They went as far as body shaming and mocking slimmer women. I was horrified and I guess their comments started to infiltrate and influence my thoughts in a negative way. It appeared as though, women were being defined strictly by their physical attributes and essentially being objectified. Is a man's self worth judged by the size of his penis? Never. Would you ever find a group of men debating incessantly about the size of their organs on forums, as an indicator of their value? I doubt it. and As you've noted, there will always be a better looking man or woman. Some men prefer thick/fuller women, whilst some prefer slim women. There is really no ''superior'' figure provided you're healthy and fit.

P.s- My BF actually prefers slim women, he appreciates curves but prefers petite, smaller-framed women. His most recent ex GF for example is similar to me in size and statue except that she's dark-skinned while I'm a bit light-skinned. Not like it matters anyway, preferences are fluid at the end of the day so no point in dwelling on physical attributes.

andromida:


By all means hold him to the same standard. Are you saying for the period you've been together he has been sleeping with same chic like 5 times? I am sorry if i am being slow is that not cheating to you?

It's okay maybe I didn't express my thoughts clearly enough. What I'm saying is before we met and started dating, he hadn't actually been in a proper relationship with any other girl in over two years. He was basically having casual affairs and dalliances so much so that he never bad sex more than five times with the same girl. So he'd meet Anita, have sex maybe up to five times and then move on to the next. No strings attached kinda sex. But he claims to have stopped all that since we got together.

[quote author=shizzy7 post=37492456]@sunshine2016 BE VERY CONCERNED
CALL HIM EVERY HOUR
IF HE DOESN'T PICK
START FASTING

Temptation everywhere in every country[/quo


I'm actually not allowing my insecurities reflect when I speak to him. I'm also giving him a lot of space and letting him reach out to me first. This is a forum where I can express my fears anonymously without being ridiculed, hopefully, hence why I'm being so open and transparent. I'm not going to start blowing up his phone and pestering him about what he's up to. That would undoubtedly be counter productive.

passionate88:
Not all Nigerian men are promiscious... I once shared a story here where two femal course mates of mine slept in my lodge, I left the bed and slept on the cold floor, in the 9t one invited me to bed, I didn't do anything nor attempt anything with them. Later in the morning they started berating me, that two girls slept in the same bed with me yet I couldn't do anything. I like girls, most of my friends are girls but I hate the way they reason. That's why Nigerian guys likes tagging them as 'fish brain'.

Okay well maybe not all Nigerian men, but most are. Like 80-90% of Nigerian men cheat. Don't ask me where I pulled those stats from cos I csbf defend them lol but everywhere I go, every story i hear and most of my experiences/ experiences of others confirm that Nigerian men do have a problem with fidelity. Especially Yoruba and Hausa men. Hausa men, we can even blame it on religion ( Islam) but Yoruba men? Simply an insatiable desire for sex and lack of self control. I'm Yoruba btw before you accuse me of tribalism lol.

andromida:


I don't understand your concerns according to you your boyfriend enjoys casual sex of which you are aware and comfortable with even while in Nigeria why should he not enjoy himself with new variety while in south africa?

He used to have casual sex BEFORE we met. In the past 2 years he hadn't had sex with the SAME girl more than 5 times... I'm his first relationship in a long time. If I were to have sex with someone else, he most likely wouldn't forgive me. He's already told me this, so why shouldn't I hold him to the same standard?

PunkyVeer:


Hmmm, interesting. Thanks for clarifying. Nigerian guys are promiscuous? You don't say! These "angels" here? You could never tell going by how self righteous some of them are. Noted. Very informative post though. Thanks again.

You're welcome. Lol yeah they are. Polygamy is rife in Nigeria, so is adultery to a worrying degree. The sad thing is they don't ascribe the same standards to themselves but guess that's the society we have to contend with. In a nutshell, women here are sexually repressed and those who dare to challenge societal platitudes are labelled "whores" and what not.

PunkyVeer:


Being on Nairaland, trust me, is like being in Nigeria because through some of the stuff I read here, in a way, I feel I am able to get into people's heads, so to speak. The way some of the ladies think is totally different from how I think or how anybody I know thinks. I'm not saying it's a bad thing, just different. Example, "shakara". I didn't know anyone still does that in this day & age until I came here & read lamentations from guys about it. To me, it's either you want the guy or you don't. Finish. No point wasting time. The 2nd example, I heard that most ladies feel uncomfortable discussing how they lost their virginity & would rather resort to lies about being raped than honestly talk about it. Well, I don't see what the issue is. You had sex with a guy. What's the big deal about that? That's too much unnecessary fronting & stunting for MY taste. I'm not saying Nigerian ladies are bad though, because I'm sure there ARE good ones, I just don't get how some operate. Too much ado about nothing, imo. But it's all good. To each their own. It's actually interesting to see how others tackle issues, even if it's from a different angle. Intriguing.

Something you might not understand in view of the fact that you're not Nigerian or haven't lived in Nigeria is the barbaric double standard imposed by men. The truth is women in Nigeria are conditioned to behave the way we do because of Nigerian men and cultural/ societal norms. These men will happily enjoy a romp with a stranger but turn around the next day and berate her for "giving it up too early". It's a situation of being damned if you do and damned if you don't. Have sex early and you're a slut, hold back and you're a boring prude. Some Nigerian men go as far as demanding for virgins ( in spite of their high sexual numbers).


In a nutshell, societal standards and expectations in SA significantly differ from Nigeria. Women therefore have little or no choice but to conform. Your society affords you the option of exploring your sexuality in a way that pleases you, but not many Nigerian women can boast of such opportunities. There are too many negative consequences and stigma attached to being a "free spirit" in Nigeria. Consequences that don't apply to Nigerian men who are incidentally some of the most promiscuous men you'll find on this planet.

Elegantdiva:
Wow! You wrote my story .. Mine has bin there for 2yrs+ now. i keep crying all nite. i hardly sleep at nite. . To make it worst, My frnds keep telling me abt SA girls hips and boobs couple with the once i read on NL. He hardly gv me attention nor av erotic chat with me . I am a slim nd perrty lady from a decent family.... we ve been together for close to 6yrs now. .

I'm so sorry to hear. Do you visit him in SA? Truth is there are attractive women everywhere and there will always be distractions. It's easy to get insecure sometimes because there's always someone who is "hotter" than you but truth is men don't marry based solely on physical beauty/ attributes. There's a whole lot more than goes into the decision of marrying a woman.

Have you seen him in the last two years? If you're not seeing him, why is that? It's really difficult for a rship to survive without physical interaction.

Thanks for all your responses and for all the information. Although some are quite difficult to digest but I appreciate your honesty.

I know that withholding sex is no guarantee that things will work out. Truth is he hasn't complained bitterly and is sensitive to the situation. He understands where I'm coming from... of course I know that he may not always be this understanding but I guess I'll cross that bridge when I get there. Truth is I don't even know how to be adventurous in bed, but I guess I'll learn at the apt time. Are sexual skills inherent or learned over time?



He'll be back in a few days time. Should I broach the topic of him messing around in SA in a casual, light way or just ignore it?

@ Vani and Cassidy, contrary to your insinuations, I'm actually not using sex as a manipulative tool. I have sexual urges myself you know? I'm simply taking my time. I'm not a self righteous, sanctimonious person, I'm simply trying to avoid mistakes of the past and I want to be certain he's the right person for me before taking the next step. Admittedly, the last time we saw which was the day he travelled, he physically tried to have sex but I refused and he asked me why I was withholding sex from him- I explained that I wanted to take things slow. He wasn't angry and has still remained caring but he complained that I gave him " Blueballs" and that he was in pain. For the record, I'm not even sure I believe Blueballs exists. We engage in heavy petting but no intercourse yet so it's not like I'm leaving him hung out and dry.

In any case, having sex with a guy is no guarantee that he will not mess around. I'm sure I'd still have posted this thread even if we had had sex. After all I don't know all the acrobatics in bed and I don't even know how to perform good oral s*x.

@ Ronald4lyf- I'm not selfish, I'm simply taking my time and trying to develop a string relationship before crossing the sex boundaries. Why can't a man wait for a woman he claims to care about until she is comfortable enough to go all the way? Is it an unreasonable request? It hadn't been years, we're taking about several months.

@ PunkyVeer- Goes without saying that a man is ultimately responsible for whatever decisions he takes. I'm merely trying to find about the sexual trends in SA, which he has since confirmed to be true.

Thank you for all your responses.

To be honest, what really got to me was his admission that " In reality SA women are as sexually liberal and assertive as they're rumored to be". How else would he know that if he hasn't succumbed to their advances or even solicited sex himself from them/ made the moves himself? Also he went clubbing on Friday and Saturday (nothing inherently wrong with that) and also went to bars in the University area. All these factors increase the odds that's he's messed around, especially if the SA women are all as alluring as they're described to be on this forum?

Should I be concerned? Boyfriend has traveled to South Africa for 12 days for work/ holiday purposes.


Dear All,

First time poster here. Great and informative forum. Hoping you can assist me with some truthful advice.

I'm currently dating a guy whom I care about deeply. We've been dating for some months now. He's currently in South Africa ( Johannesburg specifically ) for a conference and a brief holiday thereafter, spending a total of 2.5 weeks.

Now my question is, should I be worried about him cheating on me or messing around with South African girls when he is there? I know he went out to some bars and clubs on Friday night and Saturday night. Some of the bars he went to are located around the "university area" ( is anyone familiar with that area?). I also know that he visited these clubs with some of his Nigerian friends who are based in SA.

I had no problem with him going clubbing ( he's on holiday and nothing wrong with a night out with friends) until I started reading some of the comments on this forum about SA women, their protruding backsides, their sex appeal and rumored casual/ liberated approach to sexual matters. Nigerian men on these boards describe SA women like goddesses who cannot be outmatched or even rivaled by Nigerian women and it's made me feel quite insecure, inadequate and jealous about my boyfriend as he's currently in SA . I asked him casually if "the rumours about SA womens' casual approach to sex are true" to which he responded "yeah I can't even lie, it's true". He also confirmed that SA women have no problem approaching a man and "toasting him" the way Nigerian men accost or chat up women here in Nigeria ( in terms of frequency and aggressiveness ).

Like many Nigerian men, the guy I'm dating frowns on female promiscuity ( and would never take a promiscuous woman seriously) but nonetheless really enjoys casual sex with casual lovers. ( double standard I know). He's a typical Yoruba man.

I've been told that I'm pretty and good looking... I get a lot of male attention. Im petite and slim and well educated with a good career. I'm 28 years ago if that's of any relevance to your assessment of the situation. I'm also a loving and kind person. Guess those are my good traits. I however have a conservative approach towards sex- I'm far from a virgin but I don't sleep around. I haven't had sex with my BF at this point because I'm trying to take it slow in that department and want to be certain about the direction of the relationship before going too far. He's asked for sex but I held back/ resisted- guess that makes me boring compared to the SA girls. We've kissed and engaged in some "petting" but no intercourse or oral (s*x). I'm trying to be careful because I don't want to make anymore mistakes.

In a nutshell, I'm a bit concerned and I'm admittedly feeling insecure about my boyfriend's trip to SA. I also feel a bit inadequate. Is he likely to cheat seeing as he went clubbing a few times in SA and admitted that the women are very sexually permissive? ( I don't mean to be disrespectful to SA women, no offence intended at all). Is he going to start comparing my body to theirs? After all I don't have a big bum or wide hips and we are currently not having sex although we've kissed etc. Do the SA women truly approach men and "toast" them? I can't block the images of him having steamy sex with a curvaceous South African woman and it's doing my head in!!

Your responses would be much appreciated.

Thank you for reading.