₦airaland Forum

hallo, ich spreche auch deutsch

@itorojames
if i wasn´t eager to save my marriage i wouldn´t have ask for the opinion and advice from nigerians. like i said before it is not that simple and easy. unluckily!
it seems to me that men only say:" go ahead or i leave you!" apart from all those problems and fears i have been writing about i don´t like the way men want children. no matter who has for them and where they get it from. to me, as a german, that sounds too irresponsible

@mamput
i see you are online so i want to answere now since i couldn´ t open this page last night.
how old are your other children and what are they doing? are they still going to school? by the time your youngest child will leave school things might have changed again. the discussion and the new laws concerning erziehungsurlaub and taking care of very young children is making me very angry. politicians want us to have children but they don´t take care of a better future for them. what will all these children do that might be born now? will you really feel ok if your children leave germany and you to another country in the eu? i, as a german, would feel sad because i would be afraid of being completely alone when i am old.

sagst du mir noch die adresse von dem deutschen forum? soll ich dir meine yahoo adresse geben?

@mamput
ja, natürlich habe ich Interesse an dem deutschen Forum. Was machen denn die, die nicht glücklich sind?

thank you for your interest in me. i see that you get all my problems very well. but what do you mean by having made a mistake? i don´ t see a mistake.
apart from all these thaughts i am having towards having children i definitly think of my age too. you realised that. would you seriously advice me to have children at my age? would you go ahead if you were 3 years older than now? my husband doesn´t see any problems with that and like you he, too, is telling me always that i think too much.
he tells me if i had at least one child for him he would run away from this other woman. but i don´t believe he could do that since the families in nigeria see them as married. you know better than me what is going on there. i think this very nice lady from italy michelin89 and ope emi are right with what they are telling me. i should withdraw and leave these two people alone. but that is not what my husband wants either.

luckily i am not from ddr i am living in west germany

@mamaput
thank you. you lived in germany long enough for knowing our mentality. i indeed love my husband very much. he is a very nice reasonable man and i admire him for adjusting very well in germany unlike many of his fellow nigerians. and he loves me very well too i know that for sure and i trust him for that. we know each other for long now and have been through some really rough times. but when it comes to this childmatter we cannot come together.
of course i know about all these financial helps but one thing you forgot to tell me: what happens to our children once they leave school and there is no ausbildungsplatz. what if they want to go university and they have to wait endlessly for a place there. then finally they are admitted who will pay the fee for them?
i don´ t think i am very unreasonable thinking of all these things. if i was a mother i would want to do everything as good as possible and i wouldn´t want to feel guilty looking at my child.
our society doesn´ t welcome children like in other countries in this world.

@michelin89
thank you so much for you very honest answere! i was astonished to read all what you wrote. it sounds as if you knew us. you are right about our situation being very delicate. all what you wrote i know and i even know that my husband´ s father went to this other woman´ s family already. my husband told me that he didn´t know about it before his father went ahead and that he was very angry. never the less he sticks to this woman since she wants him and his children. i know they had many fights for the fact that he is still having close contact with me. it is as if we never splitted up. i am not sure wether this woman really loves my husband or if she is more interested in coming over to germany. anyway, i know that this is very important to her and she is insisting on coming over. but if it is love that she is feeling for him i pitty her and i feel ashamed of not withdrawing from this man.
i know nigerians for about 20 years now. sadly only guys because i would have liked to know this countries women. there was never a chance. even when i went to nigeria to meet my husband´ s family the visit was too short and apart from that i don´ t think i was welcome.
anyway i enjoyed the sense of humour and the way nigerians play with their language. i was (am) addicted to listening to it.
but with all you are telling me and with all i know i will now think about the situation and finally let him go. i am so extremely sad. thank you once again.

@michelin89 is it not obvious?

@jerrymania


@ope emi

thanks for your explanation. it is a very romantic way to look at this problem i think that is just the way my husband sees it too. apart from that, like i wrote earlier, he is talking about the pressure from his family and friends.
as you probably guessed i am white and not very young. neither is my husband but he is a nigerian. that is why i would like to hear the nigerian opinion.
i cannot only think in a romantic way about having children. i can very well see the responsibility that i face concerning the child´ s future and even its childhood. We are both working fulltime. in case of a child one of us would have to stop working wich would affect our financial situation. Further i am thinking of the child´ s situation in the future since the economy in germany is bad. Our social system is not like it used to be. There are many more things i am thinking about. This is just the short version of it.
Thinking of all this and more i don´ t understand my husband that he still insists and that he doesn´ t seem to care who will be the mother of his children. As far as he is concerned it could be any woman as long as he gets what he wants. Is the pressure in nigeria really that high or is it just his personal whish that he wants to be fulfilled?

thank you for answering and advicing me but i still don´t understand. why is it so important to have children? my husband says that everybody is asking him when he will have his own and that he is the only one in the family who hasn´t got children yet. there must be a great pressure on him since i understand that it doesn´ t really matter who the mother of the child(ren) is.
can anybody explain this to me?

no i dont really want to. its difficult to have children in germany so i cannot image that i will regret not having one. i dont understand this big thing about must having children by all means. i believe that he will regret having 1 because he doesn t love this woman but she is ready to have those children he is dreaming of. in return he will have to get married to her. i am so sick of all that but at the same time i dont want to let go and neither does he. what is there to do

i am really sad and dont know what to do. my husband splitted up with me cos he wants children by all means . i definitally dont want. so he got himself an other woman who miscarried and since then (4 years ago) they are trying. within all this time he is meeting me telling me how much he loves me and that he doesnt want to loose me. what do you advice me to do? we know each other for eleven years now and i dont really want to give him up.