₦airaland Forum

FortuneTeller:
You lost your job right after the marriage, you don't have any savings, you gave away the money that you supposedly set aside for her, you sold the car, you lost the printing machine. It is good that you are working now, but because of the setbacks, you are still in the "hole". I'm sure this has affected your duties in the bedroom also. In addition to these hardships in the marriage, you beat her. The woman is thinking about all the promises you made before marriage and feeling it was all a lie. She is unhappy. Is it going to hurt you to discuss the issue maturely with her family and try to find a resolution? Marriage is for better or worse. This is your WORSE. Will you just let it go so easily?

Read my post from beginning to the end. And please don't use those words for me 'failure, hole' am not a failure and am not in hole' just keep ur advice.

FortuneTeller:
Please don't say this. You may find it in her heart to forgive her. From your story, I can understand her frustration. It seems that failure was following you everywhere, so when she saw how well your sister was doing, it made her feel even worse about life. Your wife is depressed and feeling in despair. She doesn't know how to handle all the hardships. She is going to look for greener land elsewhere, but she will not find it and then she will want to resume the marriage. Before your heart is completely hardened against her, please try to talking with her family about the situation.

What failure are you talking about, I've a job. She's not contended. Am doing well. I dey try.

ted1741:
Those advising you to move on and the kids will come back obviously do not have kids. Your kids need you just as much as you need them. The kids need the nurturing from both parents. Fathers raise kids differently from mothers because we come from two different perspectives in life. Your kids need that balance and benefit of upbringing from those two perspectives. More importantly, the way she left implicitly means that she is habouring animosities towards you based on her own imaginary and utopian world devoid of your circumstances and reality. She is dislusioned that you are not delivering the "good" life for her. Perhaps she married you under those expectations or based on promises you made or she perceived. It doesn't now, if you do not intervene now, she is likely to poison the kids' minds towards you by saying uncharitable things in both subtle and verbal ways. If you do not intervene in a timely fashion, don't surprise the hostile attitude towards you from the kids, believe me, it will happen and happen very fast. Consequently, the kids will perceive you as a run a way father and may not forgive you so easily. Once the bond is elastically over stretched, the disconnect may never be reversed when they are matured. Put differently, if you are absent in their lives, they will resent you and you have from now before they turn 14, a teenage age when most of our lives' attributes are formed and shaped. Human beings begin to internalize events in their lives as early as three years. They will remember how their mother suffered and sacrificed to raise them and wonder what kind of dad you are and no amount of explanation from you can disabuse them of that ingrained memory. I strongly suggest you meet with her mother and diligently make effort even to a fault and speak with her. She is your wife, she may not be rational in this regard but as a man, she needs your effort to bring her back to reality because she is going through a phase. I suggest you ignore friends who may laugh and call you unprintable names because they are not in your shoes and don't understand why you the dogged effort to bring her back. A philosopher once said that, "in every relationship, one person must play the fools part" for it to succeed. Every family has issues and until they confine in you, you may never know what they are going through. My father once said that, "until you sleep with someone on the same bed, you will never know how their mouth smell", literally. Go and get your family. That is what a good husband/father does. It may take a lot of persuasion to get her to come on board either out of pride or irrationality, but persist for the sake of the children. Confine on someone she respects and listens to if all efforts fail and let the person speak with her. It is imperative you raise your kids or you will be sorry in no distant time. Goodluck.

If I die today, my kids will live.

janellemonae:
Na wa for u o! Ingrate? So u just judged them based on ur own situation because u also moved to osogbo.

Madam ur not in d same situation. They are both jobless & have 2 kids under d age of 3yeàrs. U & ur husband are not jobless & u have no kids yet.

Jobless? Can u even comprehend at all

hellen93o:
some women are ingrate, am someone else wife also and i am Content wit wot we have, i relocated from Abuja to Osogbo but believe me i dont av Single friend cos my husband dont like it and am d Type of stay in door, my husband still in Abuja do come home once in a month,from my office to House if i av any program in d church i will go from there to my house, so ur wife might av some friends dat teach her bad tins, since u pple just relocated Y cant she just av patience wit u and pray along for things to work well for u both, u even av kids already, am still believing God for d fruit of d womb for 6 years now , and my broda am telling u, i cant leave my husband lailai, cos he's always there for me and i always appreciate him, she will still come back to u just dat some pple are teaching her bad tins, and i also pray for her dat it wont late, just relax ur kids will be fine pls

Thank you. God will remember you like Anna, you'll carry your baby soon. Amen.

GAZZUZZ:
You are still a boy, and not yet a man. Your mother influences decisions made in your home, and your wife tells your where to live.

Your opinion, you can say whatever you like. If your mother warn you against something don't yield to her warning, okay? Real man. Anybody can just come here and say trash when they're not in my shoes. I know you're popular in auto section, this's marriage issue bro.

GAZZUZZ:
You are still a boy, and not yet a man. Your mother influences decisions made in your home, and your wife tells your where to live.

Your opinion, you can say whatever you like. If your mother warn you against something don't yield to her warning, okay?

akeensbussy:
My brother, u are a man and u have to stand by every decision u have taken in life..your wife is one of those decision. u met her, u wooed her and you convinced her to marry u, all by yourself.

in every decision u are taking in life, ur family should be number one. my advice for u is to go and look for ur wife and children anywhere they might be. That is the only thing u have got as a man.

if your wife is with her mother, go there and ask for ur wife authoritatively "Iyawo Mida, Iyawo mi ati awon omo mi ni mo wa ko" tell her parent like that. if u paid for a dowery and did a proper wedding, they will allow I to see ur wife.

Call ur wife, sit her down, tell her how much u missed her and the kids. re-woo her again. Do everything in your capacity to take your wife and kids home.

Be a man and stop been emotional. They are the only family u got. Your mother will leave u one day..even her mother too.

People around u will only pity and mock u.

Good luck

I should re-woo someone that doesn't want me anymore. I can't force her to come back. Never

janellemonae:
@op truth is from everything u explained: I believe ur wife is very depressed. Impulsively moving to osogbo shows this. U just weren't paying enough attention to her state of mind. Maybe she thought ur cost of living d Lagos life would reduce in osogbo. The money situation is a major part of it. Money is d no1 cause of divorce in d world. I know some men think women are gold diggers but truth is every woman wants security. The sad part of ur situation is dt ur also trying ur best but maybe there's a reason she's not seeing dt. One of d reasons is this ur family jnterference. It's too much. Please I know u sugar coated parts of this story, yet it still seems like ur a mummy's boy.

The fact is she can't see a way out, she's not working - and clearly wishes she had a business to help u instead of begging for everything, she has 2 babies to think about, & ur marriage also seems to be delving into anger & violence. No comfort or joy at all apart from d hardship. She might even have had a bout of postnatal depression after her last baby considering d way u said she was treating her children (one of d signs of postnatal depression). I might be wrong but But these are all stressors. I understand ur also stressed but marriages go thru hard times. Both of u seem to be in d dark, seeing only ur own individual difficulties & not seeing what d other is going through. Someone needs to step forward into d light & bring ur marriage from d brink. It's still very salvageable.

PS - Please leave ur families out of all this & talk to each other alone. Take d advise of a neutral therapist or pastor. Leave emotionàl, biased parents/siblings out of it. Dts if u want ur family back.

You're absolutely right about the depression, she's always bitter. I hate seeing her in depress mood, I'll advice her to be calm. I open cake shop for her in Osogbo, gave her 50k to buy somethings first that with time I'll give her enough money to stock the shop because we've spent a lot of money moving to oshogbo but she always complaining that people use to mock her because her shop is empty. With all the bills on my neck, I'll still have to think how am going to stock my wife shop, what do I do? I don't even have anyone to raise me 5k, I bear my burden alone, no support from anybody. She lack patient bro.

Kpac:
I would give my response JUST by hearing you side of the story.....

Situation Currently
First, i am sure your wife is not a Yoruba lady. As a culture, our ladies are not trained and taught to leave their husband's house unofficially or abscond with kids from the marriage. Whatever you were thinking, that was the first mistake.

Secondly, your wife must be a beauty queen and one which you have fought so "HARD" to win and even marry. You have lived all your decisions for her, to please her and to keep her. You have made hefty promises while you were convincing her to marry you and its unfortunate you can really keep them. You spend almost all your resource and energy to make her happy and for the past few years things have been hard, all your goal was to make it up and prove a point. Unfortunately, that goal sent you even deeper into more troubles than your plans could reveal.

I am sure you took the "lucrative" printing job just because of her, she might not be the reasons you gave everyone and yourself, but in your hearts of heart, you know you took that risk to make it big, make her happy, prove a point, keep her quiet and give you confidence as a man. That decision got you deeper into troubles.

You bought the car to get contracts and get effective in your business is another reason you gave everyone and yourself, you knew how you fantasized the happiness and hug from your wife when the car first gets into your compound and she sees it. You bought that car to gain confidence you have lost and the indirect and direct embarrassment she was giving you from comparisons.

Against what is good for you again, you moved to oshogbo to please her yet again. You wrongly thought oshogbo would "tame" her and give you some peace. Another major decisions taken to please your wife again and because you have lost the power to make the right decisions to solely please your wife, all those decisions never lasted as intended.

I wouldn't know what more you did and that you know just for your wife and to keep her.

I respect your wife because i respect you but some women are best left for the consumption social media, for photo shoots and cover pages of magazines. Choosing a wife is entirely a different course and i cant teach you more than you have learnt.

Your kids would still be your kids if you have married any woman, They are your gene, your chemistry and contains your DNA. Choosing who gives birth to them is what they require you take in their best decisions.

Your wife would always keep you on your foot even if you earn 10 million naira every month excluding tax. If you had thought there are levels an insatiable woman gets contented and quiet, you were wrong. They would continue to grow in their in-contentment and their taste and expectations would get to an advanced level as your worth increases.

Way Forward
Please visit your in-laws, seek audience and if possible request for a meeting. Get to know what your wife's expectations are and what time she would give you to achieve them, seek to know what your in-laws expectations are also of you and the time to achieve them. Seek to know the consequences of you failing to achieve them all. Seek to find out if your wife really sees the marriage as compulsory or optional. Seek to know if there are options of separations on the table from your in-laws.

This would let you know the "EXACT" situation you have gotten yourself into and give you the broad view to analyze if you can achieve them or not.

If you cant achieve them, make the best decisions for your kids and please get your life back and stop living to please anybody. Its a journey that never ends.

No matter how hard you try, you cannot satisfy an insatiable wife and its all your faults here because you went into the marriage for selfish reasons and now you have to face it.

Its hard but sincerely, this truth would send you back into the path you should really be.

I'm speechless, you know it all. Thank you sir.

sukkot:
its called tough love. i am saving him in case he marries again. some people need to hear the cold hard truth in a rough manner so it snaps them back to reality, and the reality of the matter is that ' if you are not ready to be a hard strong alpha male in a relationship with a woman ? you should not even bother going into one. God made you the man for a reason. scripture says the man is the head of the woman. if you are not ready to lead strongly ? dont even bother because the marriage will not work. how can you let a woman move you to osogbo ? and you dont think our brother needs to hear the truth in a rough way so he can be saved from future hurt ?

People lives and proper in Osogbo, what you you taking about,? When you're married, you don't take decision alone, sometimes allow her opinion to stand. If you continue with this mind set you'll end up like me, you're even worst than me.

ststyreal:
It seems u really don't value and respect her views. Why will u instantly tell your mum to go with your son without prior discussion with your wife. From the little u have informed us here, it seems you value your parents and siblings more than your own family. I hope you are not the mummy type of husband. Call your wife and try sort out whatever issue u have with her. Value your marriage cos u wouldn't appreciate her now until u have a second wife. Our parents should stay away from our marriage. I dislike mother in laws and sister in laws interference in ones marriage. Go and bring your wife back and don't let your family members dictate to you, be the man u ought to be. Talk some senses into your wife and let God be the head of your home. Endeavour to always pray together as the head of the home, you can head the prayer. May God grant you pea e and joy in your home. "I HATE DIVORCE SAYS THE LORD"!

I'll not miss her. I always encourage her that things will get better (not that we don't eat or by clothes) but you will ask me WHEN.

abike12:
So if she provokes you enough you can kill her? You better work on your temper before the devil uses you to destroy your life. And learn to take responsibility for your actions.

Also, why are so many family members involved?



Same lie my ex told himself instead of addressing the issues I was unhappy about. The fact that someone is unhappy with the relationship or complaining doesn't mean they don't love you.

Did you read the part where I said she slapped me and I never raise my hands against her?

Toks2008:
Relax bro...she will come back.

Don't ever asslick a lady but be the man at all times.

I am forced to say you brought thus on yourself cos you became too soft.

As I wrote, let her be and make yourself happy and if you can find a sweet calm hardworking lady please settle with her cos her act is called desertion which is a good ground for you to remarry.

Please get me straight. ..I'm not saying reconciliation is not possible but I will never ask you to go beg her cos from your story..."if it is true" she should be left alone.

Be the man and take your place...there are too many ladies out their that are hard working humble and ready to calm down with a man...trust me...they are many out there.

As for the kiss they will be brought back to you without hassles but use this time to build your life back to a greater position.

Thank you

mhisbliss:
op i can understand what you're saying, i know theres two sides to every story and its bad to judge when you only heard one side of the story, but from what I can see it seems she isnt intrested in the marriage anymore and she can't stand the up and down associated with marriage, the fact that she can't bear something as small as this means she'd do worse if its a little bit worse than it is, she doesn't even understand her marriage vows and she's eager to leave the marriage maybe shes looking forward to an adventure outside marriage, i suggest you don't fight for her, shes not worth it, just fight for your kids and give them the life they deserve, teach them your values so they'll grow up to be contented with whatever they have no matter how small

Thank you.

sukkot:
bros, simply put, you married the devil. just move on.

she is confused and you are confused too. she wants a real man which you are not. first off you bought a car so you can get a contract and then you sold the car to execute the contract which turned out to be useless. this when her anger started. you are confused bro lol

i would say she is a gold digger but in actuality she is not. she just wants a solid man who can make decisions. you gave her 450 k and she rejected it tells me she is not a gold digger

Real man? Can you expatiate?

chubbygal:
Are you sure that you fathered those kids?

Yes pls. Thank you.

adeborode:
bro,don't get twisted,u got married to olosho(runs girl)who is only interested in ur money and nothing else

She is not olosho, I knw her.

arthurshelly:
She can't support you since she is not working.
You make more than 150k before you have ur baby with her and you cant get a plot of land or car?bro its seem you too don't cut ur shirt according to ur size which she was used to before she married you and she was dissapoint when you lose ur job.she cant call you when you travel becaused she dint love you at the beginning of relationship but you dint notice due to ur been too cold..
This ur wife cant pamper you because she dint love you at the beginning but love ur cash...with 150k montly you should be able to have a saving..someppl make less than 100k with 4ppl in the family yet they still have saving,bro adjust on ur spending...she travel to osogbo for month ago and she call that she love you environment which make you agree to relocate to oshogbo,risky ur life to Lagos every week,bro you are too cold to be move by the ur wife.dint you have plan nii?please relax and keep mounting pressure on her on how you can see ur baby for some month before you proceed to court...

Thank you bro. I've learnt my lesson. I strongly believe she'll come back to her senses.

mastermaestro:
Didn't you notice this before marriage? Did her love for you suddenly fade away after marriage? Did you persuade or pressure her to marry you? The whole thing appears to have been built on poor foundation. If she doesn't love you now, it only means she never loved you. And this you should have seen at the time.

Are u married?

mastermaestro:
I expect you to make moves of reconciliation for the sake of your faith if you've got any. Whether or not your mum is right about their sinister plans against you, it's your marriage and your family, there must be ways around the whole disagreement which could lead to reconciliation. You should explore ways to resolve the dispute.

One failed marriage positions you for a second failed marriage. Unless something spiritual sits deep, I hardly see why this union should be dissolved right now.

What faith are you talking about bro Do you want me to force myself on her? She doesn't want the marriage again, and am better off than been with her. This woman never supportd me in anyway, I pay all the bills, house rent, diapers, food, clothes, hospital bills, etc fine it's my responsibility and I don't complain, but little appreciation wouldn't hurt. Yet she still complain, my salary including other freelance jobs is more than 150k per month, still no savings, I don't even have half plot of land. When I travel my wife will not call to know if I arrive safely, she doesn't care about me. I'm not saying this to crucify her, I'm saying the truth, and God is my witness, I'm human I need pampers too. She made her choice, good for her.

KevinDein:
I love this reply. From your write up, I can say you are stronger than you actually know and will definitely see yourself through this ermmmm mess. You seem very much capable of doing very well without her.

The only thing she has on you is that she's the mother of your children whom you love and she has absconded with them . At this point I advise that you either

A. Let her be. She will get tired and show up in no time. Raising children no be beans

Or

B. Take or at least threaten her with legal action.

Most importantly, never let emotions influence the decisions you'll eventually make; and don't allow anyone convince you you are somehow the villain in all these (I can see a poster or two trying to imply that), you are not

You'll be fine

Thank you baba. Your advice make whole lotta sense.

jabojafa:
this is the time to be more prayerful and draw closer to God. Since He is the author of marriage am sure He wud hv a solution for you. Dont even think of divorce becos you are doing ursef more harm dan good if u try it. Since she isnt working now wen d realities of life hit her she wud either come back to u or look for anoda man. Go to her parent's place but wit some of ur family member and get ur kids frm them. Remember only God can change ur wife n heal ur broken home so do somethin for Him if u want to see wot u hv neva seen.

'do something for Him if u want to see wot u hv neva seen'. Something like what bro. Thanks.

aaronson:
O boy, your wife is really smarter than you sir, you only playing your gender role as a man without think about the future, she tapped into that to make her own decisions just to get you to bend to her direction. Smart wife but dangerous.

My recommedation

Men lead by applying logic, women lead by applying emotion but that has been switched in your own case sir. So what can be done now? Cut back on your emotions and let her be right now and leave the kids with her, don't even try to contact her.

Use this time to focus on your finance, she won't be gone for long when she hears you back on your feet financially and when she returns, Apply logic, get your kids, get a lawyer to legalize your marriage for continuity or legally divorce her.

Smart indeed

Miladi:
At OP, no sane person loves being undermined. Having gone through your submissions, I deduced that you put your mother's opinion above your wife's own. . . . a statement like "my mother can never be wrong" and allowing your mother to take his grandson without prior notice and without you seeking for her (your wife) opinion was wrong and can break even an angel. Respect is reciprocal; and to every action there's an opposite and equal reaction.

She's more on a revenge mission, especially since you're not living up to your former standard and aspirations financial-wise.

On how part though, she came across as a covetous, selfish and inconsiderate person. Kindly apply diplomacy to resolve the issue. Both of you can still mend fences and become a united force once again; this can only be possible if you both are ready to do away with mind games.

My mother cant be be wrong when comes to spiritual matter, she prays alot and might have seen dangers ahead. I didn't put my mother's opinion above my wife's own. And that is not enough reason to packed out of her matrimonial home. If things gone bad and I'm not living up to my former standard, her duty as a wife is to encourage and support me. The issue is love. I've been enjoying my peace ever since she moved out, my only concern are my kids. Thank you.

queenesthr:
No woman walks out of a good marriage. @Op I don't believe your story

ok

Berbierklaus:
I talk am
We are getting somewhere now

So your wife had the enfrontery to slap you during a heated argument She could be hot-tempered(which you know before marrying her,yet you overlooked it but can't keep up now?)

Now,how come her mother that encouraged you to beat her then,is the one advicing her daughter to leave you (Bami na omo mi ode nu olomo ,you don over do the beating )

And please come clean, "He who comes into equity must come with clean hands."

A marriage should not just pack up over flimsy reasons as these,have you considered your children? how they will suffer in case of a divorce?

Oga there is something else you are not saying

She doesn't love me, when someone isn't in love with u, no matter what you do to please her, she'll never be satisfy.

VikingsOO7:
You know its over, You've made up Your mind. Why seek for public opinion?

Maybe you should read my post again

TheArchangel:
Your story is taking shape now. Wife is tired and need a break. No smoke without fire.
Give her a break, she seem to need it.

Maybe

Berbierklaus:
Are you sure this was all that happened

No case of domestic violence and negligence?

I never neglect my family. I provide everything they need in my capacity. She's not working. I beat her once. She provoked me. 5 months after the wedding, she slapped me, she was pregnant then so I spare her, I didn't retaliate. Her mother told me to beat her that no responsible woman will raise her hands against her husband.

Pidggin:
It doesn't mean you are divorced. What do you want? If you still want the marriage why not involve people she respects. She can't just decide the marriage is over, tell her parents and relatives what she is doing

I don't wanna force myself on her. It's over.

Pidggin:
Are you divorced already?

She said she doesn't want me anymore.