₦airaland Forum

[color=#770077][/color] Good evening House, I've been a silent readerin this group. You all are doing an amazing job.
Thank you for taking your time to explain, this topic really interest me and from your detailed response I see the clear pictures you tried to paint.

ladymarshall:
Hmm! Your question struck a very very deep nerve in me. Our sweet mothers!!! I was in the same shoes when I relocated to Western Europe. My mum had the same worries because she cares. I was young (still), single without a committed relationship , knew absolutely no one and was according to her, "too ambitious" (we all know the myth that "too ambitious" ladies rarely find husbands, lol). My aunties ridiculed her for that and she almost stopped me. But what's done was done. I moved!

Her mother's concerns are very valid, not because it makes logical sense in the context of material and career prosperity and/or true happiness since it is an established fact that the marriage institution itself does not lead to happiness or fulfillment, but rather the sharing of joys and burdens as well as companionship and children with THE RIGHT PERSON is the real happiness. Take the right person out of the equation, and marriage is useless, becoming a daily torture and a lifelong bore. Her mom's concerns are valid because she is a product of the Nigerian society which overvalues early marriage for ladies and see late marriage or no marriage as a life problem. Every Nigerian mother's fear is her daughter marrying too "late" or not at all, every Nigerian girl fears singlehood from 30 and we all know the stigma of being single post-30. But I am not interested in speaking to whether these fears are founded on myths or unrealistic cultural values or the twisted genderized concept of biological clocks, etc. Let me just answer your question directly.

1. If "easy" means having a powerful uncle or aunty that will get her jobs without merit, only just by submitting cv and lobbying, or having family and people around her do things for her with little effort on her part or getting people's mercy or pity, when you provide a sentimental story, or getting someone to help you pay bills when it is solely your responsibility to, then Canada will not be "easy".
If "easy" means working very hard for what you want and getting it on the basis of merit without nepotic connections, then Canada is "easy". If "easy" means earning a salary or doing business, paying your taxes and trusting the government to deliver good roads, rule of law, security, health system, in short a country that truly works, then Canada is easy. If "easy" means doing adequate research on living in Canada, networking when necessary, applying diligently for jobs, patiently trusting in God to bless our efforts and eventually getting a good job, then Canada is "easy". If "easy" means what you put in the system is what you get out, then Canada is "easy".
If "easy" means escaping all of life problems, not falling sick at all, living forever, not working hard for money but becoming wealthy, just because she flies to abroad where white people are, then Canada is not easy, neither is Nigeria, neither is the world. So what exactly does mumsy mean by "easy" or "not easy"?
Nigerians are diverse, we think differently, not all of us here think the streets of Canada are littered with gold, some of us here know we may have to do survival jobs if it gets so bad for a short time before we transit to good jobs, and we're still going to Canny, so what does momsy mean when she says "as Nigerians think it is". One thing is sure, her daughter will find a bearing, and start life, and a good career, but how soon? We cannot say because we are not God and cannot see the future but many Nigerians are doing fine there and even those not doing fine yet, will do fine over time. It always gets better with hardwork, focus and determination. It is not realistic to expect that you relocate to a different country, continent, culture totally alien to yours and instantly adjust seamlessly. Your body, mind and belief system need adequate time to adjust, I know this because it's the same adjustment process with where I live. How open her daughter's mindset and expectations are will determine how well she will adjust. But she will, she is human, and when push comes to shove and the race for the survival of the fittest occurs, her human instincts will lead her. How strong are her instincts?

2. Her daughter knows no one in Canny? It's not a problem. I know no one too, at least not family or friends. But now I am just knowing those who have just landed and are about to land. And they will clear ground for us We build connections and networks one day at a time. I knew no one when I just moved to my current country and I still got on very well fine and built powerful networks and mentors in the shortest time possible and heck I don't even speak their language so well. So imagine if i am in an English country. My career took off well and the only limitation now is residency and passport which I would get here if I am patient enough for 5 years but nope, too long, I'm impatient, Canada is the answer today today And I am ready to start afresh, no looking back.
Let me tell you that having or knowing families over there beforehand has little bearing on one's chances of success in Canada. In fact if one is not careful, listening to family in Canny as a JJC without comparing it with your own research can be your undoing. Let me blow your mind, I know someone through a former coursemate referral who I reached out to for advice since she is on ground in my first choice province. She got there some months ago and went to live with her aunty and she told me I must do survival jobs first when I land. Puzzled, I asked her if the mentorship networks, co-op programs and internships she tried out did not work out in the first few months, she told me her family did not tell her that but advised her to do survivals in hair salons immediately while she's looking for her career jobs. (P.s she's not on nairaland, and didn't access these resources). Sis didn't even know those programs existed Imagine! I told her straight away to leave that job and get relevant Canadian experience that can aid her job search. Abi what will arranging attachments in a hair salon do on the CV of someone searching for bank jobs? When it's not that she wants to get Canadian hair stylist certificate. They say we should get Canadian experience, she's doing Kanada experience Anyway I sent her the links and she has signed up for two already and just started volunteering in her career field. We've been prepping for upcoming interviews via skype. I give her 2 months max, she will get something good. And based on my advice, she will move out of that her aunty's house asap. Abi what's the point of having family that have hidden useful life-changing information from her, about to turn her to housegirl, is not like they gave her sibling points, family without value. Nonsense
The point of the story is while it's good to have family and friends on ground, most of momsy's daughter's success will come from her personal efforts, guts, research, career-specific networks. Success is not exclusive to people who have family there before. Momsy's daughter might be a disruptor and her success might be much faster than those who have been living there for long. She will thrive better when momsy supports her dreams with prayers and encouragement. So rather worrying over future uncertainties, can momsy please redirect her approach and encourage her baby girl instead? Mumsy should tell her daughter that as long as she is happy with her choices and it is what she wants to do, she is willing to support and pray for her and let God bless her efforts. And pray that God gives her good husband in Canada instead of discouraging her travel plans.

3. Regarding the marriage issue/worry, I will address the lady directly not the mother. It's her life, her mother has lived hers. Whether or not the lady will be happy or depressed as a single in Canada depends a lot on her, not her mother. What is her relationship temperament? To what degree is she gamophobic or anuptaphobic? People tend to lean more towards one than the other.
If she is a moderate or chronic gamophobic, she will thrive very well in Canada. It's an individualistic lifestyle over there. There will be so many other engagements that will take her mind off relationships, if she is socially inclined, she will probably only remember she is single when sexual needs arises, when she sees PDA in public, or when she talks to family back home or depending on what kind of friends she has and she will handle it well In this case, she will need to handle the mother's pressures tactfully too avoid it getting to her. She knows her mom better than anyone else

If she is anuptaphobic, to what degree? If it's moderate. She should just note these: If she eventually moves to Canada, there is no guarantee she will find a good marriage mate. Good marriage mates are not exclusive to a location. There are good and bad marriageable potential (Nigerian) men everywhere. Fact is Canada's dating culture is not as vibrant and robust as Nigeria, I have researched this and having lived in a similar country. Canadians are very conservative and it is normal for people (both Canadians and Nigerian-Canadians) to be very skeptical of newcomers, especially as issues of culture and jobs come on. No one wants a financial or cultural burden in a country where bills and cultural misunderstandings occur and if the goal is long-term commitment not just the regular satisfaction of sexual needs, relationships will take time to germinate and grow. Also because Canada is a country where the system works even for women as long she works hard, relationship style will differ. She would have to unlearn and reevaluate a lot of things that the Nigeria dating scene has taught her. E.g How do you impress your man? For many bachelors living alone in Canada, cooking is a survival skill they had to learn to cut costs, so cooking jollof rice well might not exactly impress them. Washing cloth and sweeping well? No need, there's vacuum cleaner and washing machine. Sex? Maybe but sex is not exactly a taboo or a weapon or sacred in that society as we think it in Nigeria, there is little or no stigma about it in the West, Intelligence? Maybe but literacy rate in Canada is 99% and the average Canadian is informed. Good behavior? In a immigration country with so many cultures mixing, the definition and expectation of "good" is very relative. Also what does her man need to do to impress her? if it's Nigeria, I'd say "na money be fine bobo", but in a country where economic opportunities are almost equal and attainable, money alone and "giving" may not necessarily cut it for her, there's tendency for her to desire more from her man, which extends dating time. Also she needs to factor in race issues as a black woman, we are unique Being black among whites or very fair skins is kinda a good thing if she can pull it off

If the lady is a chronic anuptaphobic and her self-esteem is seriously dependent on marrying. One alternative is to travel first and then mumsy can help her find a lucky naija man who she will come home to marry and sponsor abroad. I don't usually advice this because true intentions are difficult to decipher, it's 50:50 I have a girlfriend who did this successfully but both families knew each other before one family relocated so there was familiarity before. They've been married for a few years and I'm expecting my first godchild I have another friend who did this but divorced after 2 months. Oga JJC was after paper not love and he couldn't even hide it or pretend Sis got crazy and sent him back. I assisted her with packing into her new home post-divorce as per new life, new goals
Another alternative is to hurriedly find a man and get married before she leaves Naija to satisfy her longing for companionship, calm any fears and make her mother happy. But like they say, "if you rush too soon, you rush too out" Divorce is not a big deal in Canada so why rush in?
Lastly, she can decide to test Canada out, if she finds a mate (which I think she might) fine, if not, she can decide to get her passport first, then return to Nigeria, marry and stay while enjoying the mobility and rights that Canadian passport gives. I have two acquaintances who couldn't cope with the limited dating scene here and had to return to Naija to find a man. They're married and living in Naija now, yaaay I can't do that though but they claim to be happy and that is all that matters

Apologies for the long story and clogging the page, but I really liked your question and I am passionate about women and girls issues, although I love men too so I gave my opinion with a passion