*********************************
“I no go huzzle (till infinity) but I go
bubble (till infinity)…”
I pick d phone. Wizboyy na still my
man. I never buy jeep and Showkey
never serious yet.
“Hello, guy how far na?” Na my guy
Kajeta been dey call. Again.
“Guuuuy! Yawa don gaaassssss o!”
“Ahn ahn. Wetin happen again?”
“Napodia don get belle!”
“Napo-wetin?”
All dis Orile winches no go kill me!

*********************************
As a responsible somebody wey no
sabi him papa, I no wan do Jolomi and
my pikin as my Papa take do me. I
make up my mind say I go help d babe
as my hand reach. Even before she
born.
“Hello,”
“Hey. Ifeanyi… How na?” Dis girl no dey
gree fear god.
“Atink I don tell you tire. My name no
be Ifeanyi. Make you dey call me Crash-
Cos.”
“No be Ifeanyi be d name wey your
mama give you?”
“You be my mama?” She finally keep
quiet. I begin yan wetin I carry for
mind.
“I say make I help you handle some
tins as e be say you carry my pikin for
dat ya big belle. E get anytin wey you
need?”
“Hmmm…” She begin form tinkin.
Shakara no go kill Jolomi.
“I dey go do my ultrasand tomorrow,”
“Wetin be dat?” Jolomi and dis her
yeye grammar sef. No be like say she
finish primary six. She dey fail pass
Danfo fan-belt. Na too much film dey
deceive am.
“Na just scanning to see weda my
pikin dey alright.”
“How much you need?”
“Like two-five sha.”
“I fit follow you come?”
“If you like.” If I like. Mssstchew.
Jolomi na small tif sha because e come
be say d scan cost one-five. She still
collect d two-five from me sha. She say
d 1k na ‘pregnancy allowance.’ Orile
armed robber.
Na so we dey inside d hospital. Doctor
rub one kain tin on top Jolomi belle
and den she carry anoda tin put on
top am. Picture come dey show for
one small screen.
“Oga na your pikin be dat o.” I
squeeze eye begin look like say I
understand wetin dey show for d
screen. To god I no see anytin. D
doctor sef dey look screen, dey look d
belle come dey talk.
“Your baby is quite healthy.” I hear
“healthy” I happy small. Doctor
continue to dey yan.
“From what I can see here, your baby
is about four months old and doing
well,” my blood just cold
“Doctor, say wetin? You sure?”
“Very sure. Maybe even five months
but definitely at least four.”
“Four mont? Jolomi dis na February
na!”
“Ehen? So?” Jolomi dey look me like
say I no well.
“So wetin? No be December 26 me and
you do paroles? How come pikin don
reach four months? Abi na my ciga
give you belle?” Jolomi come dey
understand wetin don happen. Shame
catch am immediately.
“I don dey warn you. I don dey warn
you, Jolomi. Repent and stop workin
ashewo. I don dey warn you.” Jolomi
no fit answer. She just confuse. She
come dey look d doctor like say na him
betray Jesus. If to say I sabi read bible,
I for show am where dem keep Judas.
She come begin count finger. I just dey
look am. Abi she don crase finally
finally?
“Okaaaaaay. E be like say na Moruf get
am sha. I no calculate well be dat.” I no
know wetin to do Jolomi. Even to insult
am tire me.
“Jolomi please give your life to Christ. I
don tell you.” I no even wait again sef.
Na run I run commot for hospital. I
later regret because I for demand my
two-five from dat mumu girl.
But I happy gaan! For evening, I just
arrange myself dey drink, dey dotti eye
for Iya Ibeji joint for Opeleyeru street.
One woman dey sell drink for Onyah
but her shop near one white garment
church. I no fit dey look Jesus picture
dey manya. Anyway, d shepe been
make sense that day. Like say Iya Ibeji
know say beta tin happen for my side.
I sha dey my own jejely when Napodia
come pass. Napodia na Iya Ibeji first
pikin. My people, una for come see
yansh na!
See yansh!
Make I talk am again: yanshhh!
E possible say d yansh size increase
because of d shepe wey dey my body
dat evening sha. I no sure. Napodia fit
tall pass me small. She no black but she
no yellow. Her face no too fine but I no
dey chop face.
“Heyss! Come here!” My voice sef come
strooong. Napodia turn look me. I don
dey notice d babe before but she no
dey fine for my eye. But as she look me
dat day, I look am back. Omo, d babe
no too bad sha. Shepe get power o.
“Na wetin?!” she nearly dey shout sef.
Idiot. She know who I be?
“I say come here my friend! You know
why I dey call you?” she carry tray but
notin dey inside. E be like say she been
dey help her mama do sontin but I no
send. She begin waka dey come.
“Oya. Na wetin make you dey call me?”
“I call you because I have one question
for you,” Jolomi take style teach me
English sha. And I don hiiiiigh…
“Wetin be d question,” Mumu sef dey
squeeze face for me. Dis Napodia
deserve slap. In fact, all d girls for dis
area deserve slap!
“My question is: why your yansh big
like dis?” As I dey ask, my hand don fly
go her back go slap d yansh small. She
no dey fear?
“Common, remove ya hand. Common!”
She dey slap my hand but she dey
laugh small join.
“Why won’t I slap d yansh? You sef no
see as e big. If to say you be me, you
no go slap d yansh?” D yeye babe
begin laugh more. I know say maga
don fall. Idiot…
*********************************

*********************************
Actually sha, d name wey my mama
give me na Ifeanyi but I don stop to
answer dat name since. Na one Oyibo
mam give me d name when I small. Dat
tori long sha. One day I fit gist una. I
sha no dey gree make anybody call me
Ifeanyi again. Unless my momsy or my
broda. Jolomi liver no dey finish.
Ah. Jolomi.
Jolomi na babe wey I don know tey
tey. All we grow for d same area. We
even go d same primary school sef. I
suppose senior Jolomi like two years
sha but I no sure. E get when I hear
say she follow her aunty go stay for
Satellite Town. But around October last
year, she come back. I suspect say dat
her aunty na farmer because Jolomi
come resemble person wey dey chop
fertilizer. D babe just full ground. Her
balcony and her BQ na grade one! We
don jam once or twice for area but she
no dey gree hear my yans. I don try
tire but she no dey gree.
Until 26th December; when we do our
Christmas carnival.
Dat day I don drink enough stout. I dey
dance like crase person. I come see d
babe for one corner. She sef dey
dance. She sef don high. I reach dia na
so I begin grove d babe. I grove am for
dance floor sotey she sef KNOW say
person grove am. And na rough
dancingo. You know as we dey do for
area na. Na so she give me back come
dey feel my oil pipeline. She turn face
me.
“Ifeanyi, where your house dey?” Omo,
dat day I no even send say she call me
Ifeanyi.
“My house dey for the next street.”
Jolomi just draw me for hand dey carry
me go my own house.
Oh boy! Jolomi sabi d tin! D girl dey
wine waist die. Me sef I surprise o! No
wonder she dey do shakara. D babe
kpekus carry anointing! See waya! I
nearly trowey on time but I too smart
for dat one. I form stoppage sharply.
“Jolomi wait abeg, wait…” I gats get
myself for one or two minutes.
“Oooh,” she begin complain, “Ifeanyi, e
mean say you no get power?”
“Sharrap dia! Jolomi I wan ask you one
question.”
“What is it?” d idiot come dey eye me,
“You be ashawo?”
“Which kain stupid question be dat?
You see me for ashawo house
before?”
“No na but see as you dey move. Na
ashawo movement be dat na.”
“Oh. How you take know as ashewo
dey move? Abi you sef don carry ashi
before?” I clear my throat. For my
mind I first beg God to forgive me
before I lie:
“No na. Never. Tufia. I don pass dat
level na.”
“Continue dis tin before I lose interest
joo,” by then, I don steady again. After
like twenty minutes, I finish. As I dey
finish, my eye dey clear…
And as my eye dey clear na im I realize
say I no even wear raincoat.
*********************************

It’s raunchy and in
pidgin. Beware…
*** ***
*** ***
*** ***
“I no go huzzle (till infinity) but I go
bubble (till infinity)…”
I pick d phone. Wizboyy na my man. I
no go change my ringing tone till I buy
my own jeep. Or till Showkey Baba
release song again; anyone wey sha
happen first.
“Hello, omo how far na?” Na my guy
Kajeta been dey call.
“Guuuuy! Yawa don gas o!”
“Ahn ahn. Wetin happen?”
“Jolomi don get belle oh!”
“Jolo-wetin?”
“Jolomi! And she dey tell men say na
you give am d belle.”
“Give wetin? I never see im pant na! I
never kiss am sef. How I wan take
pregnant am?” Make I tell una true: I
been don see her pant sha. Smelling
pant for dat matter. But I no wan enter
yawa abeg. Which kain wahala be dis?
“Omo, d babe dey tell men for area say
na you give am sha. Make you know
wetin you go do o. Ehen.”
“No mind d babe joo. She dey find
who go buy baby food for am. Notin
do u my guy. Tank you.”
“Ok na.” I cut phone. Kajeta na my
person but you no fit trust anybody for
Orile-Iganmu for dis kain matter.
Everybody dey find your gist for here.
Any Bleep up na for your head.
“Hello, Jolomi!”
“Hey Big Daddy! How are you doing?”
“Jolomi! Who be your Daddy? Betta go
ask ya Mama o. Na me you dey speak
English for? If I sound you from here
ehn…” I jus dey para. See dis babe o!
Ahn ahn…. Honey bunsh, why are you
angry?” Jolomi still dey follow me blow
grammar.
“Who be your… in fact, I no get your
power today. I just call you to warn
you: no dey teh people say na me give
you belle o! I go wound you for dis
Iganmu o!”
“But dat day, you no wear condom
na,”
“Oh you don learn pidgin sharp sharp
abi? Which day abeg?”
“Ifeanyi, we had sex on the twenty-six
na!” because d babe know me from
small na im make she dey try me abi?
“Dis one wey you dey call me Ifeanyi.
My name no be Ifeanyi again. My name
na Crash Cos. CRASH-COS!”
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