₦airaland Forum

Ok. The biggest hurdle yet faced. And it’s a very sad one because I don’t know how to deal with this.

When we moved in together, we started actively trying to get pregnant. I’m 33 so I know that time was going. He was always saying we will have children and I should relax but 6 months into tracking ovulation and actively getting into action without any positive tests I knew I had to talk to my doc. I know a lot of pple that waited for a year only to find out they had medical conditions to deal with preventing conception. Even though we were not actively trying, I never used contraceptive and we never used protection. I ran my own STI checks after we got married (silly I know) but it turned out good and there were no issues. So I just felt of course, when we start living together things should happen naturally. I started taking a lot of supplements and prenatals and my husband said he is not sure why but we will have children and I should calm down. That at least he also needed a job. My parents are already asking that we should start our family. His mum was also saying we should do fast.

About 3 months ago, I spoke to my doctor and got a referral. Here you need a referral to speak to specialists and you can’t just walk up to demand for any tests from the lab. I got the referral to a fertility clinic. I genuinely went there thinking it was my age or maybe I just needed meds or supplement and what not. They referred us both for a full fertility work up. My husband felt uncomfortable and said our matter is not a fertility clinic matter and I need to calm down. I insisted that I know but I would just like to know more based on medical assessments. My husband f followed me, even through the sono hsg. We ran all the blood tests. The results came in 2 weeks ago.

Yea, I was fine. Hormones were working as they should, tubes were opened, and ovulation was happening. For him, we did an SA to know counts volume etc. the doc said, unfortunately it was a really low count and honestly we stood almost little to no chance of natural conception without medical intervention. Only IVF. According to him, not even IUI would help because they would need to search out what is viable and use for the procedure. I sat there confused and very very weak.


We left there and I was numb. Weak. Pained. My husband was asking why I was so downcast and I had no words. He said but at least there is a way out and I should please not have high Bp. I didn’t know what to do or not to do. I got home and cried so so much. Because this marriage thing seems like a lot. I cried and cried.

I don’t know how men process difficult information but my husband didn’t want to talk about it. I left him. He just kept going on like nothing had happened. When we finally were able to talk, he said he cannot be sad or depressed over a situation he can’t control. That on the brighter side, there is a way out. I grieved. Knowing that what would happen effortlessly for others now needed medical intervention. Knowing the emotional and psychological effects of this unknown journey. Knowing this information is not even something I can talk to anyone close to me about.


He got a job offer a few days after that news. A job offer that would take him away to a new city (4hrs flight). Good news. But again, we would be apart. Sigh.

I don’t know but I have made a lot of crazy decisions since that info. I just got tired. I quit one of my jobs last week. The job had been a drag and I had to let it go. At this point maybe I deserve all I’m going through but I also know I am very tired. I did my research and ordered supplements that I know may help him. And I had to have the long talk about why he needed to take them. He was reluctant and said it was too many meds. I begged. Pleaded. Even if we had to go the ivf route maybe we can improve the quality of what we have. I’m not going to get younger. It’s been a whole lot. He finally agreed but told me not to follow up that he will take them. Financially we are not even ready for any medical procedure and mentally I don’t even know if I am ok.


I get lost in thoughts. Why is this the way marriage is for me? Was this even worth it? I cannot talk to anyone. Not the pastors. Not my parents. Not my friends. I know having kids is not all that’s about marriage, but I also know that I want them. But we have bigger issues here and it’s beyond kids. I just don’t know if marriage has served me up to this point. In my very mid 30s so I also don’t know what the future holds. Sigh. I’m just tired.

Part 3.

We started living together. And I started noticing a lot more. I’m not perfect, but I was willing to learn from and adjust. He has a strong ego. First thing he started fussing about immediately was me changing my name officially to his. I told him id change it. He started to make a big deal out of it.

Because he moved, he didn’t have a job anymore and I was constantly walking on egg shells around him because everything came down to the fact that I was the one with the money. When I brought up any issues it will come down to it’s not my fault. Blah blah. He was applying. And applying and the many rejections caused a lot of friction. We were together now but mehn. We had agreed that the money coming was ours and we would figure it out. All the bills were on me except maybe the car insurance and the internet bills. He had taken that on while we lived apart.

He didn’t even tell his family that he didn’t have a job. They kept the demands coming and as the man of the family abroad, he kept saving face. So I’d send him some money as needed so the bills on his side will be sorted. Working 2 jobs plus a side hustle was very stressful. I was burnt out. Drained. Exhausted on most days. And I was still expected to be a wife.

Cooking and cleaning etc. I had to start asking him to pls help with some of the kitchen cleaning. I was cooking through the weekends and Attimes he’d still wait all day for me to come back to ask me what I made for my husband to eat. I had to just tell him to eat whatever he could find in the fridge or in the house.


The breath issues was not the only issue with intimacy. There are times that I would tell him what I wanted or what I desired and he will tell me to keep quiet that he knows how to please a woman. And he will just tell me to shut up and spread while he did was he had to do as a man. I longed for sweet romance before getting married, but look at me. Waiting it out just to get through the 10 mins of pleasure. Maybe less. He would complain that it seems like I wasn’t into him because I never responded the way a woman is expected to. How? Fake it? I know some people like to dominate but at least listen to what your partner wants. You don’t know my body like me, even if you are Spartacus. We are still struggling in that area. There are days when I don’t even want to be touched. But I do it because well, marital obligation. And guess what I stopped looking forward to it. Except ovulation days because well, we also wanted to have kids.

We quarreled often. He wanted me to call his family members and connect with them. I called when i had time but they never stoped complaining. I have a very busy schedule. I can’t call inlaws every week when I don’t even call my own family every week. He would say things like I’m not acting like a married woman.

He wanted me to ask for permission to hangout or go out to do things. Informing him wasn’t enough. But I should ask for permission. Submission. But how can I shoulder all the responsibilities and still be expected to submit like a Nigerian man expects me to? I’m not a feminist. Far from it. But at least meet me half way. Give me grace. Help me not be burnt out. Don’t demand more because I was already giving too much. Honestly I struggled. And I still am. And there are days I will just cry in silence. He said my crying was manipulative and that’s what women do. Ok. I was just praying with my heart that he will get a job. So that I would stop carrying the burden here alone. It’s hard. Very hard.

He had this way he viewed women that was just not cool. His phone is always locked and I have no access. He has access to my phone, passwords to all bank accounts, he knows what we have in savings, but for him, there are things that a woman should not know. I got to know that he has some stocks and investment portfolio, but I have no access. He keeps saying everything he is doing is for us and he knows what is best. But then where is there no transparency?

When I randomly ask at night if he’s brushed before coming to bed he just snaps that I am trying to control his life. We have periodic dental appointments. I have to remind him to show up for them. He’s care free and free spirited but he also has this thing about not caring what pple say about him. According to him, he’s not living to impress people. He sags his trousers and I have begged and pleaded that it’s not cool, but he insists that is how he wears trousers and he doesn’t care what anyone thinks. That I should leave that and stop talking about it. It’s just a lot.

Thanks for the contributions. My story is not complete.
I genuinely thought I opened this thread in diary section. I just wanted to pour out my heart. But maybe It’s best here. Just maybe. At least I will get a different perspective from people.


Part 2.

As I said we dated for 9 months. After the first 6 months, He proposed, I said yes. I met him in the church. And I was happy because after meeting different men over the years, he really was different. I wasn’t desperate. I just felt like after all the heartbreaks I have had and the disappointments, God was compensating me for making things faster. We were all in between cities. he got a new job in a different city and everything was happening so fast.

I wasn’t ready to frolick. So intimacy or premarital sex was off the table. He respected that. I was attracted to him but he definitely loved me more and was attracted more. We did kiss a few times before marriage. I didn’t immerse myself in it but I noticed a smell. Ok. I just brushed it off as maybe bad day, stress, or inadequate dental hygiene. I’m a very sensitive person to smell especially. But I decided that it wasn’t going to be a deal breaker because it can be worked on.


We got married. 5 days after the wedding he was back to his base in a different city. For context, I needed 2 flights of 2 hrs each to get to him. By road was impossible, maybe 24 hrs or more. We were starting out our lives and my family and a few others were concerned. That its not ideal that we live apart as newly married couples. But, I was understanding. He has been looking for that opportunity for a very long time. So I was like , we will make it work while he found an opportunity close to me. And there were also issues like visas and permit. We needed to be married so I could file for him. All those things needed time. But we had an end goal. Once the visa issues were over, we would be together.

Yes, I earned more. Logically it made sense to let me retain my job in my location. I could not move to his location permanently because I was that would mean losing our biggest source of income. I was also hustling and picked up another job to fill my time. All good. I’ve always been a hustler. I bought my own place as a single lady and I had mortgage to pay. It was in a different location and rented out, so we actually got a new place to rent for us when we got married.

He’s a very hardworking person. He believed in hard work and he would immerse himself in his work passionately. In the midst of our tight schedule we ended up juggling cities for over a year. I was burnt out. I didn’t feel married.


Maybe that was where the problem started. Living apart is not Something I’d recommend.


The first issue I noticed was the dental hygiene issues. He has a bad breath. No doubt. I recommended brushing at night, mouth wash, which he was very reluctant to try. Some days he would. Some other days he’d just say he is tired. When we were together , he’d try. I booked a dental to get him checked. Maybe it made a little difference. I begged him to book a check up. They identified gut issues that were treated. Didn’t totally fix the issue. I’ll be very honest here, intimacy started being a challenge. We always had to brush our teeth and freshen up before the action. He complained that it was mechanical and not spontaneous. I explained to him that we just had to do it because yea.

There was also strong BO. He used perfumes for that so it wasn’t so bad. Honestly not even an issue. My thinking was that once we started living together, we would be more aligned. As a woman there are things you take care of without being fussy. Ok.


Finances became an issue. I wanted us to be more accountable to each other because we were living apart. He wasn’t used to that. He had this strong ‘I’m a man’ ego and I respected that. He was spending on his family priorities and other things and would not say much about them. I wanted transparency but maybe cos I was earning more that affected him. I paid for my flights to visit him and Attimes paid for his. I was waiting and hoping for that phase to be over. We would argue over the phone and make peace. It’s ok.

After about a year, he got his papers and his contract came to an end where he was working. So he moved down to be with me and I was really happy. My family was happy that at least, we would be together.

I’ll come back with the other parts.

Getting back to writing again. But hopefully I can stay anonymous while I pour out my heart.

Life is hard. And I am going through a situation that I don’t know if I can share with anyone in my physical world yet. But I need to share till the heaviness is gone.

Who am I? Someone who wished she could undo many things, especially the decision to get married.

I have googled divorce reasons more than 10 times today alone. I don’t even know if I am ok.
No, I am not been physically or emotionally abused. I am not been cheated on. At least not that I know. I am just disconnected, tired and no one would really understand why I want to walk away from a 2 year marriage. Or maybe someone here will.


Let’s just say that there is no reason to rush marriage. But once you hit age 30, somehow the bells keep ringing everywhere around you and the pressure heightens. I wanted it. I wanted to marry for love, companionship and I wanted to choose. But, time was flying and someone came that felt right at the time and I genuinely was a good person. The person was overly in love with me. Or maybe it was the idea of me. A successful independent woman living life on her own terms. Somehow we started dating and in 9 months, we were married. And we were happy at the time. Or I was. Until we started living together.


We had counseling. So it wasn’t a matter of ignorance. But the foolish butterflies didn’t make me see road.


I guess from the very beginning I just settled. Settled for a quiet hush hush wedding. For someone who had always wanted a glam wedding, I didn’t have one. The other person just couldn’t be bothered and concluded that paying bride price was the only thing that signified marriage. We were not in the Nigeria so that happened in our absence. He wasn’t buoyant but I was understanding. I gathered money together. We had only 3 other people at the civil wedding. The plan was that we were going to go back home to throw the big party later. Never did and I’ve heard many times that it won’t be happening.

I thought marriage will complete me. No. It just drained me so much.

youdontknoe:
Thanks for the contributions. My story is not complete.
I genuinely thought I opened this thread in diary section. I just wanted to pour out my heart. But maybe It’s best here. Just maybe. At least I will get a different perspective from people.


Part 2.

As I said we dated for 9 months. After the first 6 months, He proposed, I said yes. I met him in the church. And I was happy because after meeting different men over the years, he really was different. I wasn’t desperate. I just felt like after all the heartbreaks I have had and the disappointments, God was compensating me for making things faster. We were all in between cities. he got a new job in a different city and everything was happening so fast.

I wasn’t ready to frolick. So intimacy or premarital sex was off the table. He respected that. I was attracted to him but he definitely loved me more and was attracted more. We did kiss a few times before marriage. I didn’t immerse myself in it but I noticed a smell. Ok. I just brushed it off as maybe bad day, stress, or inadequate dental hygiene. I’m a very sensitive person to smell especially. But I decided that it wasn’t going to be a deal breaker because it can be worked on.


We got married. 5 days after the wedding he was back to his base in a different city. For context, I needed 2 flights of 2 hrs each to get to him. By road was impossible, maybe 24 hrs or more. We were starting out our lives and my family and a few others were concerned. That its not ideal that we live apart as newly married couples. But, I was understanding. He has been looking for that opportunity for a very long time. So I was like , we will make it work while he found an opportunity close to me. And there were also issues like visas and permit. We needed to be married so I could file for him. All those things needed time. But we had an end goal. Once the visa issues were over, we would be together.

Yes, I earned more. Logically it made sense to let me retain my job in my location. I could not move to his location permanently because I was that would mean losing our biggest source of income. I was also hustling and picked up another job to fill my time. All good. I’ve always been a hustler. I bought my own place as a single lady and I had mortgage to pay. It was in a different location and rented out, so we actually got a new place to rent for us when we got married.

He’s a very hardworking person. He believed in hard work and he would immerse himself in his work passionately. In the midst of our tight schedule we ended up juggling cities for over a year. I was burnt out. I didn’t feel married.


Maybe that was where the problem started. Living apart is not Something I’d recommend.


The first issue I noticed was the dental hygiene issues. He has a bad breath. No doubt. I recommended brushing at night, mouth wash, which he was very reluctant to try. Some days he would. Some other days he’d just say he is tired. When we were together , he’d try. I booked a dental to get him checked. Maybe it made a little difference. I begged him to book a check up. They identified gut issues that were treated. Didn’t totally fix the issue. I’ll be very honest here, intimacy started being a challenge. We always had to brush our teeth and freshen up before the action. He complained that it was mechanical and not spontaneous. I explained to him that we just had to do it because yea.

There was also strong BO. He used perfumes for that so it wasn’t so bad. Honestly not even an issue. My thinking was that once we started living together, we would be more aligned. As a woman there are things you take care of without being fussy. Ok.


Finances became an issue. I wanted us to be more accountable to each other because we were living apart. He wasn’t used to that. He had this strong ‘I’m a man’ ego and I respected that. He was spending on his family priorities and other things and would not say much about them. I wanted transparency but maybe cos I was earning more that affected him. I paid for my flights to visit him and Attimes paid for his. I was waiting and hoping for that phase to be over. We would argue over the phone and make peace. It’s ok.

After about a year, he got his papers and his contract came to an end where he was working. So he moved down to be with me and I was really happy. My family was happy that at least, we would be together.

I’ll come back with the other parts.

youdontknoe:
Part 3.

We started living together. And I started noticing a lot more. I’m not perfect, but I was willing to learn from and adjust. He has a strong ego. First thing he started fussing about immediately was me changing my name officially to his. I told him id change it. He started to make a big deal out of it.

Because he moved, he didn’t have a job anymore and I was constantly walking on egg shells around him because everything came down to the fact that I was the one with the money. When I brought up any issues it will come down to it’s not my fault. Blah blah. He was applying. And applying and the many rejections caused a lot of friction. We were together now but mehn. We had agreed that the money coming was ours and we would figure it out. All the bills were on me except maybe the car insurance and the internet bills. He had taken that on while we lived apart.

He didn’t even tell his family that he didn’t have a job. They kept the demands coming and as the man of the family abroad, he kept saving face. So I’d send him some money as needed so the bills on his side will be sorted. Working 2 jobs plus a side hustle was very stressful. I was burnt out. Drained. Exhausted on most days. And I was still expected to be a wife.

Cooking and cleaning etc. I had to start asking him to pls help with some of the kitchen cleaning. I was cooking through the weekends and Attimes he’d still wait all day for me to come back to ask me what I made for my husband to eat. I had to just tell him to eat whatever he could find in the fridge or in the house.


The breath issues was not the only issue with intimacy. There are times that I would tell him what I wanted or what I desired and he will tell me to keep quiet that he knows how to please a woman. And he will just tell me to shut up and spread while he did was he had to do as a man. I longed for sweet romance before getting married, but look at me. Waiting it out just to get through the 10 mins of pleasure. Maybe less. He would complain that it seems like I wasn’t into him because I never responded the way a woman is expected to. How? Fake it? I know some people like to dominate but at least listen to what your partner wants. You don’t know my body like me, even if you are Spartacus. We are still struggling in that area. There are days when I don’t even want to be touched. But I do it because well, marital obligation. And guess what I stopped looking forward to it. Except ovulation days because well, we also wanted to have kids.

We quarreled often. He wanted me to call his family members and connect with them. I called when i had time but they never stoped complaining. I have a very busy schedule. I can’t call inlaws every week when I don’t even call my own family every week. He would say things like I’m not acting like a married woman.

He wanted me to ask for permission to hangout or go out to do things. Informing him wasn’t enough. But I should ask for permission. Submission. But how can I shoulder all the responsibilities and still be expected to submit like a Nigerian man expects me to? I’m not a feminist. Far from it. But at least meet me half way. Give me grace. Help me not be burnt out. Don’t demand more because I was already giving too much. Honestly I struggled. And I still am. And there are days I will just cry in silence. He said my crying was manipulative and that’s what women do. Ok. I was just praying with my heart that he will get a job. So that I would stop carrying the burden here alone. It’s hard. Very hard.

He had this way he viewed women that was just not cool. His phone is always locked and I have no access. He has access to my phone, passwords to all bank accounts, he knows what we have in savings, but for him, there are things that a woman should not know. I got to know that he has some stocks and investment portfolio, but I have no access. He keeps saying everything he is doing is for us and he knows what is best. But then where is there no transparency?

When I randomly ask at night if he’s brushed before coming to bed he just snaps that I am trying to control his life. We have periodic dental appointments. I have to remind him to show up for them. He’s care free and free spirited but he also has this thing about not caring what pple say about him. According to him, he’s not living to impress people. He sags his trousers and I have begged and pleaded that it’s not cool, but he insists that is how he wears trousers and he doesn’t care what anyone thinks. That I should leave that and stop talking about it. It’s just a lot.

youdontknoe:
Ok. The biggest hurdle yet faced. And it’s a very sad one because I don’t know how to deal with this.

When we moved in together, we started actively trying to get pregnant. I’m 33 so I know that time was going. He was always saying we will have children and I should relax but 6 months into tracking ovulation and actively getting into action without any positive tests I knew I had to talk to my doc. I know a lot of pple that waited for a year only to find out they had medical conditions to deal with preventing conception. Even though we were not actively trying, I never used contraceptive and we never used protection. I ran my own STI checks after we got married (silly I know) but it turned out good and there were no issues. So I just felt of course, when we start living together things should happen naturally. I started taking a lot of supplements and prenatals and my husband said he is not sure why but we will have children and I should calm down. That at least he also needed a job. My parents are already asking that we should start our family. His mum was also saying we should do fast.

About 3 months ago, I spoke to my doctor and got a referral. Here you need a referral to speak to specialists and you can’t just walk up to demand for any tests from the lab. I got the referral to a fertility clinic. I genuinely went there thinking it was my age or maybe I just needed meds or supplement and what not. They referred us both for a full fertility work up. My husband felt uncomfortable and said our matter is not a fertility clinic matter and I need to calm down. I insisted that I know but I would just like to know more based on medical assessments. My husband f followed me, even through the sono hsg. We ran all the blood tests. The results came in 2 weeks ago.

Yea, I was fine. Hormones were working as they should, tubes were opened, and ovulation was happening. For him, we did an SA to know counts volume etc. the doc said, unfortunately it was a really low count and honestly we stood almost little to no chance of natural conception without medical intervention. Only IVF. According to him, not even IUI would help because they would need to search out what is viable and use for the procedure. I sat there confused and very very weak.


We left there and I was numb. Weak. Pained. My husband was asking why I was so downcast and I had no words. He said but at least there is a way out and I should please not have high Bp. I didn’t know what to do or not to do. I got home and cried so so much. Because this marriage thing seems like a lot. I cried and cried.

I don’t know how men process difficult information but my husband didn’t want to talk about it. I left him. He just kept going on like nothing had happened. When we finally were able to talk, he said he cannot be sad or depressed over a situation he can’t control. That on the brighter side, there is a way out. I grieved. Knowing that what would happen effortlessly for others now needed medical intervention. Knowing the emotional and psychological effects of this unknown journey. Knowing this information is not even something I can talk to anyone close to me about.


He got a job offer a few days after that news. A job offer that would take him away to a new city (4hrs flight). Good news. But again, we would be apart. Sigh.

I don’t know but I have made a lot of crazy decisions since that info. I just got tired. I quit one of my jobs last week. The job had been a drag and I had to let it go. At this point maybe I deserve all I’m going through but I also know I am very tired. I did my research and ordered supplements that I know may help him. And I had to have the long talk about why he needed to take them. He was reluctant and said it was too many meds. I begged. Pleaded. Even if we had to go the ivf route maybe we can improve the quality of what we have. I’m not going to get younger. It’s been a whole lot. He finally agreed but told me not to follow up that he will take them. Financially we are not even ready for any medical procedure and mentally I don’t even know if I am ok.


I get lost in thoughts. Why is this the way marriage is for me? Was this even worth it? I cannot talk to anyone. Not the pastors. Not my parents. Not my friends. I know having kids is not all that’s about marriage, but I also know that I want them. But we have bigger issues here and it’s beyond kids. I just don’t know if marriage has served me up to this point. In my very mid 30s so I also don’t know what the future holds. Sigh. I’m just tired.