The Bible
Professor : You are a Christian, aren’t you, son ?
Student : Yes, sir.
Professor: So, you believe in GOD ?
Student : Absolutely, sir.
Professor : Is GOD good ?
Student : Sure.
Professor: Is GOD all powerful ?
Student : Yes.
Professor: My brother died of cancer even though he prayed to GOD to heal him. Most of us would attempt to help others who are ill. But GOD didn’t. Howis this GOD good then? Hmm?
(Student was silent.)
Professor: You can’t answer, can you ?Let’s start again, young fella. Is GOD good?
Student : Yes.
Professor: Is satan good ?
Student : No.
Professor: Where does satan come from ?
Student : From … GOD …
Professor: That’s right. Tell me son, is there evil in this world?
Student : Yes.
Professor: Evil is everywhere, isn’t it ? And GOD did make everything. Correct?
Student : Yes.
Professor: So who created evil ?
(Student did not answer.)
Professor: Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things exist in the world, don’t they?
Student : Yes, sir.
Professor: So, who created them ?
(Student had no answer.)
Professor: Science says you have 5 Senses you use to identify and observethe world around you. Tell me, son, have you ever seen GOD?
Student : No, sir.
Professor: Tell us if you have ever heard your GOD?
Student : No , sir.
Professor: Have you ever felt your GOD, tasted your GOD,
smelt your GOD? Have you ever had any sensory perception of GOD for thatmatter?
Student : No, sir. I’m afraid I haven’t.
Professor: Yet you still believe in Him?
Student : Yes.
Professor : According to Empirical, Testable, Demonstrable Protocol, Science says your GOD doesn’t exist. What do you say to that, son?
Student : Nothing. I only have my faith.
Professor: Yes, faith. And that is the problem Science has.
Student : Professor, is there such a thing as heat?
Professor: Yes.
Student : And is there such a thing as cold?
Professor: Yes.
Student : No, sir. There isn’t.
(The lecture theater became very quietwith this turn of events.)
Student : Sir, you can have lots of heat, even more heat, superheat, mega heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat. But we don’t have anything called cold. We can hit 458 degrees below zero which is no heat, but we can’t go any further after that. There isno such thing as cold. Cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat. We cannot measure cold. Heatis energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it.
(There was pin-drop silence in the lecture theater.)
Student : What about darkness, Professor? Is there such a thing as darkness?
Professor: Yes. What is night if there isn’t darkness?
Student : You’re wrong again, sir. Darkness is the absence of something. You can have low light, normal light, bright light, flashing light. But if you have no light constantly, you have nothing and its called darkness, isn’t it?In reality, darkness isn’t. If it is, well you would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn’t you?
Professor: So what is the point you aremaking, young man ?
Student : Sir, my point is your philosophical premise is flawed.
Professor: Flawed ? Can you explain how?
Student : Sir, you are working on the premise of duality. You argue there is life and then there is death, a good GOD and a bad GOD. You are viewing the concept of GOD as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, Science can’t even explain a thought. It uses electricity and magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one. To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing.
Death is not the opposite of life: just the absence of it. Now tell me, Professor, do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey?
Professor: If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, yes, of course, I do.
Student : Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir?
(The Professor shook his head with a smile, beginning to realize where the argument was going.)
Student : Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavor. Are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you not a scientist but a preacher?
(The class was in uproar.)
Student : Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the Professor’s brain?
(The class broke out into laughter. )
Student : Is there anyone here who has ever heard the Professor’s brain, felt it, touched or smelt it? No one appears to have done so. So, according to the established Rules of Empirical, Stable, Demonstrable Protocol, Science says that you have no brain, sir. With all due respect, sir, how do we then trust your lectures, sir?
(The room was silent. The Professor stared at the student, his face unfathomable.)
Professor: I guess you’ll have to take them on faith, son.
Student : That is it sir … Exactly ! The link between man & GOD is FAITH. That is all that keeps things alive and moving.

These are american

A liberal muslim homosexual ACLU lawyer professor and abortion doctor was teaching a class on Karl Marx.

"Before the class begins, you must get on your knees and worship Marx and accept that he was the most highly-evolved being the world has ever known, even greater than Jesus Christ!"

At this moment, a brave, patriotic, pro-life Navy SEAL champion who had served 1500 tours of duty and understood the necessity of war and fully supported all military decision made by the United States stood up and held up a rock.

"How old is this rock?"

The arrogant professor smirked quite Jewishly and smugly replied, "4.6 billion years, you stupid Christian".

"Wrong. It's been 5,000 years since God created it. If it was 4.6 billion years old and evolution, as you say, is real... then it should be an animal now"

The professor was visibly shaken, and dropped his chalk and copy of Origin of the Species. He stormed out of the room crying those liberal crocodile tears.

The students applauded and all registered Republican that day and accepted Jesus as their lord and savior. An eagle named "Small Government" flew into the room and perched atop the American Flag and shed a tear on the chalk. The pledge of allegiance was read several times, and God himself showed up and enacted a flat tax rate across the country.

The professor lost his tenure and was fired the next day. He died of the gay plague AIDS and was tossed into the lake of fire for all eternity.

THE MARINE AND THE ATHEIST PROFESSOR

An atheist professor, author of several books such as “Heartland America: Why I Hate It” and “Religion: Puerile Nonsense or Dangerous Threat?” was teaching his college class about the Gay Pagan Self-Esteem Program newly mandated by the state. He then told the class that he was going to prove that there is no God. He said, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!"

Five minutes went by. He kept taunting God, saying, "Here I am, God. I'm still waiting.”

Ten minutes. He continued to mercilessly trash-talk God, saying “What’s the matter, God? Don’t exist or something? That’s right, you best keep walkin’."

He got down to the last couple of minutes and a Marine just returned from the Gulf and released from active duty and newly registered in the class walked up to the professor, hit him full force in the face, and sent him flying from his platform. The professor struggled up, obviously shaken and yelled, "What's the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

The Marine replied, "God was busy watching over my buddies engaged in combat, and my buddies wounded in combat, and my other buddies killed in combat."

“What’s your point?” the professor asked, placing his elitist horn rim eyeglasses back in place.

The Marine thought a moment. “So He sent me. To punch you. Because He was busy.”

Rubbing his weak, bewhiskered chin, the tweed-clad egghead asked, “So you’re saying an omnipotent, transcendent deity was incapable of multi-tasking? Or that your pugilistic abilities somehow make a convincing argument vis-à-vis the existence of said supernatural entity?”

The Marine fumed silently as the professor continued hectoring the class in his thin, nasal, New England academic voice. “Or are we to believe Jehovah himself placed you in this classroom for the express purpose of engaging me in fisticuffs to protect his honor? Why, even this little girl wouldn’t believe such nonsense,” he said, indicating little Suzy Jones in the front row, a young girl whose father was a fireman who died the previous week rescuing fetuses from a burning abortion clinic.

Little Suzy put her puppy Patches down and ran to the front of the class, kicking the professor soundly on his shins, until the balding Marxist collapsed again to the floor.

“Ah, yes…here we see a demonstration of the brutality inherent in the, ow, monotheistic tradition,” he pointed out, as Suzy and the Marine continued to rain kicks and punches onto his prostrate form. “Do I need to, ouch, point out that God has not in any strictly, oww, discernable manner actually, personally knocked me off this platform?” he asked, clinging in a fetal position to the podium.

Eventually the two defenders of the faith grew tired and stood by, sweaty and out of breath, as the professor dragged himself up to a standing position. “Yes…well, I think I’ve made my point,” he stated, his annoying, East Coast intellectual voice full of gloating despite the lack of several of his teeth.

“I will now prove that good and evil are merely relativistic Western concepts imposed on…”

Suddenly the door burst open and an imposing figure with a full, Hestonesque beard strode manfully into the classroom, rolling up the sleeves of his flowing white robe as he approached the professor.

“All right Poindexter,” he said in a commanding, booming voice, smiting the professor with a devastating roundhouse to the jaw that sent the snobbish Postmodernist hurtling from the platform.

“Right,” said God, adjusting his robes. “Want something done right, do it yourself.”

“Thank you, sir,” exclaimed the Marine, saluting sharply.

“Sure, sure,” replied God. Glancing at his watch, he strode quickly from the classroom. “Look, I gotta run…that typhoon isn’t going to devastate Bangladesh by itself.”

The smiting and the typhoon got me.

^^^ I personally prefer smirking jewishly
Maybe that can be translated to "smirking igboly"

"a young girl whose father was a fireman who died the previous week rescuing fetuses from a burning abortion clinic" <- pure gold

And wasn't it the devil who was responsible for evil/smiting? I forget... These things seem to change depending on who you ask
Aaah, smiting is supposed to be good... so long as God does it