Can you Imagine this Advert on the Jobs Thread!!!!!!!


Exciting Job Opportunities in the Niger Delta

Our client, a Niger Delta Militant Group with branches in strategic

locations throughout all the six South-South states of Nigeria is seeking

to expand its operations to Abuja , the Federal Capital territory. This

expansion has brought about vacancies for qualified and experienced young

officers. The positions are:



AREA HEAD KIDNAPPING.

The successful applicant who will report to the Executive Council, and the

Executive Director, Abuja , is expected to possess the following

COMPETENCIES:
1) Minimum of 10 years experience in militant agitation. (Membership of

Al-qaeda, Hamas or other similar organisation will be an added advantage)

2) Fluent knowledge of Hausa, Ijaw, English, Italian and German

3) Expert ability to distinguish between Oyinbos and Albinos

4) Ability to swim in deep waters

5) Ability to recognise fake/marked naira notes by sight

6) Ability to easily recognise all Senators and Ministers of the Federal

Republic of Nigeria .



Evidence of previous successful kidnap of BIG MEN must be provided

(pictures preferable)


Photographer:

1) Minimum of 5 years experience taking photos in war zones. (Domestic

fights do not qualify as war zones for these purposes)

2) Proficiency in the use of explosives as camera lighting.

3) Knowledge of the different skin tones of expatriates, as an aid to

taking high-quality pictures, is a must.

4) Proficiency in the use of Adobe Photoshop, and Internet photo uploading

software is a must.

NB:Please include a portfolio of previous photo-samples (must contain

kidnapped persons OR be taken in war-zones OR be nightshots in blackspots

like Oshodi, 3rd Mainland bridge, Apongbon, etc)

MILITANT TRAINEE:
1) Candidates must be between the ages of 13 and 50, be at least 4m tall,
and may be male or female.

2) Minimum of Nursery School/Kindergarten certificate.

3) Jobless university graduates, and serving policemen will be given
special consideration.

4) Possession of jungle boots and face mask is a must.

5) Preference will be given to persons with knowledge of foreign European
languages, and persons with the ability to swim.




Renumeration:
Very attractive, competitive, and comparable with industry standards
(payments in foreign currencies).

Official guns, boats and grenades will be provided.

Excellent training, involving offshore secondment ( Iraq , Afghanistan etc)
from time to time
Regular appearance on CNN, Alaaroye, Time Magazine, The Economist and
other International magazines.

Excellent networking opportunities with Nigerian politicians, oil magnates, and foreign businessmen.


Interested applicants should forward their applications and detailed

curriculum militae within two weeks to:

militant_recruitmen t@OsamaConsultin g.com


It Will Always Get Better not Bitter,

Remember, Keep Hope Alive,

som1 posted dis last week

*attaches a suicide bomb to emperoh*
this joke has been here since nairaland was founded!