hope you like them

A guy goes into the U.S. Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer
asks him, "Have you been in the
service?"
>
> "Yes," he says. "I was in Vietnam for
three years."
>
> The interviewer says, "That will give
you extra points toward
employment" and then asks, "Are you
disabled in any way?"
>
> The guy says, "Yes 100%...a mortar
round exploded near me and blew my
testicles off."
>
> The interviewer tells the guy, "OK.
You are hired. The hours are from
8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You start
tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 A.M".
>
> The guy is puzzled and says, "If the
hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M.
then why do you want me to come in
at 10:00 A.M.?"
>
> "This is a government job," the
interviewer says. "For the first two
hours we stand around scratching our
balls. No point in you coming in for
that."

------------------------------------
> > >Toward the end of the service,
the Minister asked, "How many of> >
> > >you have forgiven your
enemies?" 80% held up their hands.
The> >
> > >Minister then repeated his
question. All responded this time,> >
> > >except one small elderly lady.
"Mrs. Jones, are you not willing> >to>
>
> > >forgive your enemies?"
> >
> > >"I don't have any." She replied,
smiling sweetly.> >
> > >"Mrs. Jones, that is very
unusual. How old are you?"> >
> > >"Ninety-eight," she replied.
>
> > >"Oh Mrs. Jones, would you
please come down in front and tell
us> >> > >all how a person can live
ninety-eight years and not have an
> >enemy> >
> > >in the world?"
> >
> > >The little sweetheart of a lady
tottered down the aisle, faced
> >the> >
> > >congregation, and said, "I
outlived the bitches."
>

Here's a poem written by an African
Shakespeare
Dear White fella,
Couple things u should know
When i born. i black
when i grew up i black
when i go in sun, i black
when i cold, i black
when i scared, i black
when i sick, i black
& when i die, i black
u white fella
when u born, u pink
when u grow up, u white
when u go in sun, u red
when u cold, u blue
when u scared, u yellow
when u sick, u green
& when u die, u grey
& u have the cheek to call me
'coloured'
================

A wealthy man decided to go on a
safari in Africa. He took his faithful
pet dachshund along for company.
One day, the dachshund starts
chasing butterflies and before long
the dachshund discovers that he is
lost.
So, wandering about, he notices a
leopard heading rapidly in his
direction with the obvious intention
of having him for lunch. The
dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep
trouble now!"
Then he noticed some bones on the
ground close by, and immediately
settles down to chew on the bones
with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap,
the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy,
that was one delicious leopard. I
wonder if there are any more around
here."
Hearing this, the leopard halts his
attack in mid-stride, as a look of
terror comes over him, and slinks
away into the trees. "Whew," says the
leopard. "That was close. That
dachshund nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been
watching the whole scene from a
nearby tree, figures he can put this
knowledge to good use and trade it
for protection from the leopard. So,
off he goes.
But the dachshund saw him heading
after the leopard with great speed,
and figured that something must be
up.
The monkey soon catches up with the
leopard, spills the beans and strikes a
deal for himself with the leopard. The
leopard is furious at being made a
fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop
on my back and see what's going to
happen to that conniving canine."
Now the dachshund sees the leopard
coming with the monkey on his back,
and thinks, "What am I going to do
now?" But instead of running, the
dog sits down with his back to his
attackers, pretending he hasn't seen
them yet ... and, just when they get
close enough to hear, the dachshund
says..................
"Where's that darn monkey?
Sent him off half an hour ago to bring
me another leopard."

" You can fool some of the people all
of the time, and those are the ones
you want to concentrate on.

.

Actually liked the explanation on the last joke. Buh mincuu's right, don't explain your jokes.

A few days before her birthday a
husband asked his wife, “Dear, what
would you like for your present?”
Wife: I really don’t think I should say.
Husband: How about a diamond ring?
Wife: I don’t care much for diamonds.
Husband: well, then, a mink coat?
Wife: You know I do not like furs.
Husband: A golden necklace?
Wife: I already have three of them.
Husband: Well, gosh, what do you
want?
Wife: What I’d really like is a divorce
Husband: Hmmm, I wasn’t planning on spending that much.

After the church service a little boy
told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm
going to give you some money."
"Well, thank you," the pastor replied,
"but why?"
"Because my daddy says you're one
of the poorest preachers we've ever
had."

nice jokes there esp the animal tin

its Saint Patrick's day and an armed
hooded robber bursts into the Bank
of Ireland and forces the tellers to
load a sack full of cash. On his way
out the door with the loot one brave
Irish customer grabs the hood and
pulls it off revealing the robber's
face.
The robber shoots the man without
hesitation.
He then looks around the bank to see
if anyone else has seen him. One of
the tellers is looking straight at him
and the robber walks over and calmly
shoots him dead.
Everyone by now is very scared and
looking down at the floor.
"Did anyone else see my face?"
screams the robber.
There is a few moments of silence
then one elderly Irish gent, looking
down, tentatively raises his hand and
says, "I think me wife here may have
caught a glimpse."

Bill catches a taxi
home one evening, the cabbie
charges him almost double the usual
fare and when Bill complains he
becomes abusive.
Bill resolves to get his revenge if he
comes across this taxi driver again.
A week later Bill goes to get a cab
home and notices the driver from the
week before is third in the taxi rank.
He strolls up and gets in the first cab,
once inside he tells the driver that he
doesn’t have any cash but, if he takes
him home he’ll give him a Mouth Action.
The cab driver goes mad and kicks
him out of his cab.
Bill now gets into the second cab and
makes that driver the same
proposition: a Mouth Action for a lift
home. The second driver also refuses
and kicks him out.
So now Bill gets into the third taxi,
the guy who ripped him off, and asks
to be dropped a few blocks away.
As the cab drives off Bill smiles at the
first two drivers and gives a big
thumbs up…

after every flight, pilots fill out a
form called a gripe sheet, which
conveys to the mechanics problems
encountered with the aircraft during
the flight that need repair or
correction.
The engineers read and correct the
problem, and then respond in writing
on the lower half of the form what
remedial action was taken, and the
pilot reviews the gripe sheets before
the next flight.
Here are some actual logged
maintenance complaints and
problems as submitted by Qantas
pilots and the solution recorded by
maintenance engineers.
(P = The problem logged by the pilot)
(S = The solution and action taken by
the engineers)
P: Left inside main tyre almost needs
replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main
tyre.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land
very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this
aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode
produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on
ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main
landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable
level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers
to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after
brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up,
fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with
lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under
instrument panel. Sounds like a
midget pounding on something with a
hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

An elderly couple, who were both
widowed, had been going out with
each other for a long time.
Urged on by their friends, they
decided it was finally time to get
married.
Before the wedding they went out to
dinner and had a long conversation
regarding how their marriage might
work. They discussed finances, living
arrangements, and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it
was time to broach the subject of
their physical relationship.
'How do you feel about sex?' he
asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently' she
replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a
moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned
over towards her and whispered
'Is that one word or two?'