David,
I hope this letter finds you well.
I am writing to offer you the chance
to sign for Arsenal.

As my club has come under a lot of
criticism recently for things such as
not winning trophies, and continuing
to employ Sebastien Squillaci, I
thought I would write to you
personally to defend Arsenal against
these accusations. I write to explain
to you why we are in fact the most
principled and virtuous footballing
entity in existence and why you
would be a capitalist fool to not
want to join us.

Firstly, the trophies thing. People
criticise us for not bringing home
silverware, but these idiots do not
realise that football is an aesthetic
pursuit as well as a competitive one.
After all, how many Turner Prizes did
Rembrandt win? None, David. How
many Oscars has Scarlett
Johansson won? Zero. Both have
brought so much beauty to the
world, and received no awards for
their selfless efforts. Rembrandt,
Johansson, Wenger.
So, when I see Santi Cazorla and Jack Wilshere playing endless one-
twos in the opposition box, I am almost as happy as when I lifted that
first sweet, sweet Premier League trophy in 1998. Almost. Anyway,
what is the point of winning a trophy when you do it with Martin
Keown in defence? He wouldn’t know the Beautiful Game if it crept up
behind him, screaming, arms raised. Surely you feel the same about
Carles Puyol? I'm sure you do. Now, instead of Keown, we have Laurent
Koscielny, who keeps his hair much neater and whose disgust at shirt
pulling, fouling, and indeed marking altogether, brings Keown to shame.
Ugly Keown. Beautiful Laurent.

Football should be a beautiful sport, David. At Arsenal you will learn
this first-hand. You see, you may think Barcelona have mastered the
passing game, but I’m sorry to tell you, you have been cheating. You
are actually not allowed to have Busquets in midfield – he is much too
tall, and he also likes to tackle. In fact, he reminds me of Patrick Vieira,
and I got rid of him for those very reasons. Now we have Aaron
Ramsey, who is nice and short, with no tackling, and of course far
better looking. No cheating at Arsenal.
You see? Players like Keown and
Vieira have been replaced by
Koscielny and Ramsey. OH DEAR
GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!? And all
in pursuit of beauty. I’m sure you
will appreciate this prerogative -
you shouldn't need me to tell you
that you would fit in excellently
here, with your meticulously-
shaped hair and superbly-trimmed
goatee.

Also, being the chivalrous folk that
we are, Arsenal also have a
socialist pay structure, which means that you are likely to earn a
similar wage to all your peers. This is morality in action, David. No
matter how well you play, Squillaci, Gervinho and Andre Santos will
take home similar pay-cheques to you. And if that’s not the very
definition of fair, then what is?
So, are you a beautiful, collectivist man like me, or are you an ugly,
profit-seeking mercenary? I think we both know the answer.
My very best,
Arsene