Saw this in Vanguard this morning and thought to share. I thought the Villa-Bombers missed giving the Assa-Senators many knockout punch but when you have things to hide, you are on the defensive and cannot really attack...

VILLA- BOMBERS: We really don’t
understand you fellow shareholders,
including those of you in hallowed
chambers. Contrary to your
insinuations, we are no rivals, hatchet-
men or attack dogs.
We are actually Siamese twins doing
the same different duties of media
publicity on public affairs for our
beloved CEO of this great multi-
national oil company.

Assa-Senators: Whether you are
rivals, attack dogs or defence bulls
make no matter to us. Just make sure
you direct your machetes and venoms
at those troublesome noise makers
and not this hallowed chamber, or else
you will find us too hot to handle. In
any case, you two are no match for us.

V-B: Ah, there you goof! We are
actually a set of quadruplets made up
of two sets of Siamese twins. With the
other pair who provides guard services
on information and political matters to
the CEO, we form a formidable
quartet. Oh, here they come!

A-S: You quartet look so militant. Are
you sure you guys have the blessing of
the CEO? Remember, the CEO is not a
bully, neither is he a lion nor a Pharaoh
and …

V-B: Hold it! How dare you? Do you
know the CEO better than us? So,
because he refuses to be Pharaoh, you
believe you can intimidate him with
those mere resolutions stenching from
that mere chamber of yours?

A-S: Chi-ne-ke-me-e! You have the
effrontery to describe the resolutions
the shareholders pay us so heavily to
make as mere resolutions? Have you
forgotten we can make life miserable
for you in that mere Villa with just one
resolution?

V-B: Ah, ah, distinguished men of
timber and calibre, respectable men
and women of Iroko and Mahogany,
have you no sense of humour? That
was meant to be a mere joke!

A-S: What an expensive joke! Well, be
informed that two can play at that
game. You shall hear from us when the
CEO visits with those mere estimates
in what you call the 2013 menu list.

V-B: There you go again, so full of
yourselves! For every little issue, you
go to town with your characteristic
unnecessary grandstanding and playing
to the gallery.

A-S: You guys are too sharp-mouthed!
As you rightly observed, we are men
and women of timber and calibre here.
So we would rather grandstand than
stand as mere rubber stamps.
Furthermore, the gallery in our
chamber is not for decoration but for
the shareholders to watch while we
take you to the cleaners. So what’s
wrong in playing to it?

V-B: You see what we mean? You don’t
even understand simple idiom! Not
surprising though, a good number of
you are illiterates!

A-S: You called us illiterates?

V-B: No, you said you were,
yourselves! A leader of yours so
confessed, publicly!

A-S: Come again!

V-B: Okay, we challenge you
individually to write your names.

A-S: You just wait! We shall not only
write our names, but we shall also re-
write those mere estimates which we
are aware you are only labouring to
intimidate us to rubber-stamp.

V-B: There you go again with your
usual pass time of grandstanding!

A-S: You ain’t seen nothing yet! We
shall also go ahead to mark out and
bench your benchmark with our
Marksman!

V-B: Mark you, our benchmark of 75
American Cowries in the menu list is
sacrosanct. Even the company
accountant and the central auditor
have endorsed it.

A-S: You are all members of Baba
Suwe group of jesters! You think we
are so cheap here? On 80 American
Cowries we stand.

V-B: What arrogance! So you believe
you know more economics than the
combination of the company
accountant and the central auditor?
Even fellow multi-national oil
companies like Algeria Petroleum,
Qatar Petro-Chemical, Saudi Oil
Resources, Venezuela Oil Company,
Angola Petroleum and Kuwait Energy
Resources have benchmarks of less
American Cowries.

A-S: Okay, 78 American Cowries; take
it or leave it! By the way, you haven’t
shown us the performance certificate
on the 2012 mere estimates.

V-B: Performance certificate? You see
who really are jesters now?

A-S: Don’t divert attention; let’s see
your performance certificate.

V-B: Walahi, talahi, this is now pure
drama!

A-S: Exactly! The drama of ignorance!
It is apparent that you are only barking
at areas which you are totally ignorant
about.

V-B: What pot calling the kettle black!
Illiterates talking about ignorance!

A-S: You only give yourselves away as
over-zealous body guards doing a
hatchet job in order to capture
relevance in the scheme of things.

V-B: Just as you are no more than
over-ambitious gun-jumpers using your
selfish ambitions to undermine
company issues. We see 2015 clearly in
all this gra-gra.

A-S: Clearly? It is much clearer you
guys are nothing but fifth columnists in
the CEO’s team. We are sorry for him.

V-B: We are also sorry for you as you
revel in your Project 2015 Waterloo!
We can only pity you day-dreamers!

A-S: You nko? All company
shareholders are aware of your
underground 2015 manouvres.

V-B: You lie! The CEO just denied any
knowledge about 2015 manouvres. He
would talk about 2015 in 2014.

A-S: Just as our Marksman shouted on
the rooftop that 2015 is neither on his
compass nor on his radar. The only
thing on the radar now is your
imminent off-loading.

V-B: There you goof again!

A-S: Surely, you guys still live in the
old world when the CEO played
barefoot with no pair of boots. With just
one of the many pairs he now owns, he
kicks you out. You are all goners!

V-B: You want to place a bet?

A-S: We shall see!


Mr. DELE AKINOLA, a public affairs
commentator, wrote from Lagos

www.vanguardngr.com/2013/01/if-you-villa-bomb-us-we-assa-senate-you/

All of them are birds of a feather. Pity us the masses, we are just puns in these people's grand game.