jidegirl12:

IMO I think OP is doing the latter

I can bet you 5k your peers are not alone in bed most nights in Nigeria, e easy?

For example; I have a very good friend , he talks about his wife & kids 24/7, could you believe he had a kid with a Somali lady and they're on clear terms bout their status in the relationship. He calls her his baby mama and they spend almost everytime together except Nigerian gatherings to respect his wife, mind you bros came with his Blue passport, while his wife is jolosying away in Nigeria mansion.

Like my fav slang - it's official



I've had a rosy job offer in Australia that I refused.
My hubby got a pay-cut because of his family too.

To answer your question sincerely; Absolutely, we go places together.

Admirable also

But most of the ladies commenting so far are based in the west (i believe) and already ahave access to good schools and the life that this men want their kids to access to

I will bring another scenario

Recession continues and the man lose the job, being supported only by you the wives for like 2 years
He gets a job in Australia/Europe/Naija anywhere else or even in another state in the US like 4 hours flight

will you move the family when he has to move

Please I need pragmatic answers

Well over time, the loneliness starts to tell for some

There is an underlying cause of all this and it first states from the economic side

A lot of you here, your parents did something similar and now you have settled in as immigrants.
If you had to come back to naija and had an opportunity to love ther., would you do it

Not all these idealistic stuff

biolabee:


i am sorry but there is a flawed assumption in your statement
That this couples are not friends that is why they bundled their wife abroad

No.Its why its easy for them to live comfortably apart for those long lenghts of time IMO.I have seen old couples who have been inseparable all their lives even when situations demand that they do otherwise.Its a matter of valuing each others presence and comfort over vanities,careers and capable adult children.
Couples who are or have been true friends of each other would not be so at ease living apart permanently like the article described.
Moreso,most of those reasons are not serious or inexcusable.

I have a senior uncle who won a green card and sent his wife/kids abroad because he works in an oil coy
I have another friends uncle who when the kids went to school (bsc) the wife moved abroad to provide as a ward to the kids

these people love their families.

You are moving away from the real topic of discourse.This isn't about young,struggling couples with school children but old/middle aged ones with mostly adult and settled children.

Some of you commenting, your parents did same. now its the parents dont love each other

because youve been opportuned to get stay abroad
If you were in naija here u would do the same

I assume this wasn't directed at me as it doesn't at all describe the reason for my opinion on the issue.

**sighs** I've given you 2 real life examples of high paying positions me& my hubby ditched to be together. Well I can't make up stories to convince you, we are all entitled to our opinions.

Therefore @biola ... I will now conclude you just want to drag this just for argument sake. Too bad I've to go to bed now. sorry

tpia@:


get used to it, there always is.

Trust the old witch to show up where slimyem is involved...

baby_123:

...and the young one grinning foolishly on..

chaircover: Biola,

My husband is my number one friend; he is the only one who truly understands me and if he is going to kotangora, I am packing myself up and going with him and when my kids start having their own kids we are both going to do that 2 week omugwo together. . . . . Let my children look after their own babies jare My prayer is that untimely death does not separate us or any of us Amen.

awwwwwwwwww

biolabee:

Admirable also

But most of the ladies commenting so far are based in the west (i believe) and already ahave access to good schools and the life that this men want their kids to access to

I will bring another scenario

Recession continues and the man lose the job, being supported only by you the wives for like 2 years
He gets a job in Australia/Europe/Naija anywhere else or even in another state in the US like 4 hours flight

will you move the family when he has to move

Please I need pragmatic answers

Well over time, the loneliness starts to tell for some

There is an underlying cause of all this and it first states from the economic side

A lot of you here, your parents did something similar and now you have settled in as immigrants.
If you had to come back to naija and had an opportunity to love ther., would you do it

Not all these idealistic stuff

Sir i dont think anyone has an issue with immigration or wanting a better life for your children.I guess it boils down to each individual on what better life is.I know people whose kids were sent here for university and stayed back much to the annoyance of their parents and for some they could not wait to go back.All we are saying is that yes children are important (me and my hubby live for our kids)BUT in that love remember who you are married to.By Gods grace what we pray for is to grow old together so if we dont enjoy being around each other now how would we when the kids leave the nest?Alot of african mothers married their kids so that is why they find it difficult to let go of their kids even when the kids get married.I know what am talking about have so many examples around me.Things happen and even if God forbid one is widowed its still advisable to have other interests.If not that its easier for men to remarry in Africa am sure we might not have half as many cases of young marriages collapsing after grandma left.


To your question of maybe hubby having to move after years of unemployment,my bro thats why you talk in marriage.You both sit down and talk.You strategise on the life you livr now and then.short and long term goals.You investigate on the opportunities in said location for not just hubby but for the whole family.If its not feasible or practical to relocate everyone dow there,you talkabout maybe it being a short term solution.In short you talk.In our own case we still.wont want it to be for a long extended period.My husband loves being around his family so whatever money or difference would prob be wasted on flight tickets.I am facing a similar dilemma at the mo(a 2hr commute)and you know what i took the redudancy route.So as i am speaking or is it typing to you right now i am unemployed(that sounds so strange) cos i cant bear to spend all my time travelling to.and from.work when i could be there for my kids.Its a very scary time for me cos i have never been out of work since i graduated but my constant reassurance is 1 God has something better fore out there,2 my team mate (hubby) has my back.3 the smile on my daughter face when i pick her from.school is priceless(for now sha ).Its not always about money cos believe me our quality of life (luxuries eg hols)might have to be cut down with me out of work for now but its well worth it.

nice one damiso

for the other posters it not that i am shifting the goal posts

I am giving you real life decisions that my peers are making so with respect to their families relocating them

It is not something of a far generation, it is happening now

The late Anyene (of blessed memory) who was lost in the Dana flight was based in the US while her husband was based in Nigeria with a successful legal practice

A friends cousin who was an engineer married an US- based doctor.
He had a good job and relocated to be with his wife
Now they are divorced because he could not find anything fulfilling over there (recession and what not)

So if we want to learn from each other, lets learn but no p
everyman to himself

These are real issues

slimyem: No.Its why its easy for them to live comfortably apart for those long lenghts of time IMO.I have seen old couples who have been inseparable all their lives even when situations demand that they do otherwise.Its a matter of valuing each others presence and comfort over vanities,careers and capable adult children.
Couples who are or have been true friends of each other would not be so at ease living apart permanently like the article described.
Moreso,most of those reasons are not serious or inexcusable.
You are moving away from the real topic of discourse.This isn't about young,struggling couples with school children but old/middle aged ones with mostly adult and settled children.I assume this wasn't directed at me as it doesn't at all describe the reason for my opinion on the issue.

Good point also

However it is such young couples as you see that become old couples that have lived apart for a while

what i meant is that some of the posts on NL who benefitted from the early wave of green card
Some moved and found out it was a mistake leaveing their O & G jobs, bank jobs to live in the strange land

The next gen of migrants sent only the wife and kids abroad to hold on to their jobs in Naija

Just last week, a friend sent his wife + 2 kids to canada and he works in an oil coy
No be money go pay for house over there
No be money go ay for child care over there

What do you guys suggest

I like realistic examples, which is why i said those of you who have access to ESA may not be the best to see it from this POV

^^

Even if it is still happening now, the key is to learn from these 'older' men in their current predicament. The economic pressures are there and if anything may get worse, but does that mean simply settling for this type of life style or following the prevailing trend? People need to take responsibility for their actions/inaction.

No doubt there are real issues, but real issues have to be faced, as you said, pragmatically on a case by case basis:

- Learn from the experiences of others who have taken similar decisions
- Find ways not to repeat the mistakes made by others
- Decide what YOU and your family can tolerate; that others are okay living far away from their families in the name of 'access to education' and so on doesn't mean you should do the same thing.

Life decisions are not easy, but people are making pragmatic decisions every day.

For example as someone said, regardless of 'savings' and whatnot, my mum CANNOT leave my dad for over 6 months in the name of taking care of a child - who ever gives birth to a child should take care of their child. That is the way I'll handle it. Yes it may cost me financially or be stressful, but the man needs his wife (and vice versa) even more as he grows older than before.

Thank you @Debosky, very well put.

Fact that some people do it doesn't make it right, there will always be life challenges no matter how much you have.

biolabee:

Good point also

However it is such young couples as you see that become old couples that have lived apart for a while

what i meant is that some of the posts on NL who benefitted from the early wave of green card
Some moved and found out it was a mistake leaveing their O & G jobs, bank jobs to live in the strange land

The next gen of migrants sent only the wife and kids abroad to hold on to their jobs in Naija

Just last week, a friend sent his wife + 2 kids to canada and he works in an oil coy
No be money go pay for house over there
No be money go ay for child care over there

What do you guys suggest

I like realistic examples, which is why i said those of you who have access to ESA may not be the best to see it from this POV

I think this just defeats the whole purpose of getting married and "family"
Why get married if the plan is to stay apart while chasing all these things with almost equal alternatives you could browse in sacrifice for that which should be more important?

good point debo..

What i get so far is that everyman shoudl do what what works for him

Thanks everyone!

Where husband go, wife goes.
God punish the "conveniency" that will asunder what God has joined. Amen!

slimyem: Trust the old witch to show up where slimyem is involved...
...and the young one grinning foolishly on..

You must be bi-polar. Mad woman dancing naked in the street. No one cares about you on this thread. Take your meds and stop being paranoid. Lmao. You actually think people look out for your threads? Deluded monster of a child. Small piece of sh*it like you. Mtscheew.

TonySpike:
By Bisi Olawunmi

If you are observant enough, you will notice him in markets - an ageing, cosmopolitan gentleman haggling with the market woman pricing pepper, fish, okro and vegetable oil. His age, generally 50 and above. At other times, you see him in the high brow areas of major cities doing his shopping at the mall. If he is no longer in paid employment, he spends much of his time at the Club house. There is a club patronised by such elderly live-alone men in old Bodija in Ibadan. He lives a relatively quiet life at home – no chattering or running around of children. Except, perhaps, for the occasional female visitor, that is for those still with libido, the house environment has an unnerving serenity. The above scenario typifies the changing times for the family set-up, especially for fathers in middle and upper class families in Nigeria. The ageing Nigerian husband and father is facing a silent revolt – a gang-up against him by wives and children who have chosen to remain abroad. The irony of it all is that it is the successful husbands and fathers who are mostly in this bind. Men took different routes to this common destination of loneliness in their twilight years. Many had travelled abroad, often to Europe, the US and Canada in their youth in search of the golden fleece, got married either to fellow Nigerians or ladies in their countries’ of residence, acquire higher education, raise families and look forward to a life of bliss thereafter. While some returned home immediately after their education, others stayed back to also get their children educated before returning home. Some went abroad as employees of government agencies or international organisations with their families or raised families at their duty posts and either returned after their tenure or stayed back. Some men returned while the wives stayed back – different strokes. We have a large number of stay-back wives in Maryland, New York and Atlanta, all in the US, among others. There is a third category of those who went abroad under the US Visa lottery. In all, going abroad were happy moments, then, and in some cases, all the children of many couples ended up going abroad. Many fathers of such children are no longer smiling. Yet, the rush to America and Europe continues.

With Nigeria’s worsening economic problems, those who never came back stayed put while the problems forced the children of many returnees back to the countries where many are citizens. Meanwhile, the returnee parents are getting older as well as those who never went abroad but had children there. The returnees and the locals are now in the same boat. In their active, younger days, many parents travelled abroad on vacations to see their children. Now retired or approaching retirement age, many parents are either financially or physically not able to make the journeys again, while some refused to visit to protest the children’s non reciprocation.

Then, the music changed, bringing about current woes of many men, in spite of some putting a bright face to it. This time, wives started travelling abroad, ostensibly to help take care of their grand children abroad. That was when husbands’ problems began. You would think there was a National Conference for Diaspora-bound Grandmothers at which a road map was distributed. This is because experiences of many marooned husbands are similar: initially when the first grandchild is born, the wife travels abroad and spends about three months. She returns home, spends about nine months to a year and when the second grandchild is born, she either spends six months or stays back permanently. For those who come back after the second trip, the third is for a permanent stay.

Welcome to the phenomenon of the husband ‘bachelor’. What I have found amazing about this category of men living alone, following their wives’ relocation abroad, is that many are not contemplating taking a second wife. Even those in their early 50s who are still randy avoid serious relationships while those who contract temporary marriages soon abandon the venture. I was to learn that the decision against taking a second wife, for many, is generally financially based, given the rising cost of education. “How do you expect me to start training a child from kindergarten at this age”, noted a 60-year-old Ibadan resident whose wife and children are in the US. He says he draws inspiration from more elderly people who are in their 70s and in similar situation. He, however, concedes that he feels the absence of his family most during festive seasons when the loneliness hits him. Some not so solvent again take consolation in the dollars and pound sterling from their Diasporan children. Even then, not all are so lucky. It’s a matter of different strokes. There are those who take in house helps, often with unpleasant experiences. An oil company retiree with a big house in upscale Lekki area of Lagos said house helps can be so unappreciative of your assistance and can walk out on you anytime. He narrated an episode where the driver threw the car key at him in the middle of nowhere, knowing that he had not driven for a long time. A common concern among elderly husbands living alone is the health hazard, the dread of falling ill in the middle of the night with no one to assist. There was the story of a man in the Alagbole area of Ogun State who had died three days before the door was forced open when he did not attend a Tuesday church meeting. Many ‘single’ husbands say their wives are always persuading them to come over, that the wives wonder why the husbands choose to stay in the hell hole called Nigeria. Although a few claim they enjoy cooking, many of the live-alone husbands say they don’t find it funny going to the market. Some husbands follow their wives abroad. According to a FESTAC Town, Lagos resident,” When the second invitation came for my wife to come to London, I told my son he has to send tickets for two, that I can’t stay back again”. After six months, they returned home, but when the wife was to go for the third and extended stay, he declined following. “I find it very boring”, he lamented. There are some husbands who refused to allow their wives travel abroad to help take care of their grandchildren. One such husband insists: Why should they take my wife away, I raised them, they too must raise their own children.

The problem of absentee wives and lonely husbands is part of an overall trend of separation in the family. Economic factor, especially employment, has also contributed to the dispersal of the family, even at local level where, for example, a husband works in Lagos and the wife in Abuja, with dire consequences for family cohesion. Prof. Adelani Ogunrinde, a former Vice-Chancellor, National University of Lesotho, while delivering the Second Commencement Lecture of Bowen University, Iwo on October 16, 2008, highlighted, almost in lamentation, this phenomenon of the dispersed family using his family as an example: He lives in Lesotho, the wife in Abuja and the children in North America. He died about two years later, with the family still dispersed.


http://www.punchng.com/opinion/as-wives-relocate-abroad-husbands-turn-bachelors/

Deep insights.