When women are trapped in an abusive church the effects are profound and deep. Single women may never marry since they can never quite measure up to the leader's expectations. This, plus the general immaturity of many single men who are kept in a dependent state by the pastor or elders gives them very little choice in a spouse. Both single and married women are told to submit without question to their husbands, the leadership, and sometimes to men in general. Cults generally have a strict "chain of command theology." God is the head, then the pastor who is God's anointed under shepherd, then the husband, then women, followed by children, who are to be totally obedient and submissive.

Women are generally told that their place is in the home, that their identity is found in being a wife and mother only, that they are to be keepers at home primarily except when there is an emergency that the leader deems proper. In some groups there is no excuse for working outside the home, even if financial ruin is the option. Some churches preach a code of dress much like Amish or Mennonites as the only type of dress a truly spiritual woman would ever wear. Wanting makeup, stylish dress, jewelry, etc. are signs of worldliness, and are condemned. Women are good for marriage, sex - whatever type of sex her husband demands or the leader teaches is proper - motherhood, and not much else.

Women are kept from any meaningful ministry in the church. They are to be quiet, reserved, and even totally silent. The man is the head in all things, and his wife is to be subject to him. Single women, too, are to be subject to men, especially the leadership. A single woman is considered an oddity since marriage is the natural state of all women.

Spirituality is measured by dress style and length. Pants suits, slacks, etc. are sinful in some churches, since they are men's clothing. Some cults demand long dresses only, much like the Muslim Fundamentalists. Indeed, there is much similarity between cultic teaching on women and radical Muslim teaching. Anything that flatters a woman's figure in any way is considered sinful, as if Satan was the creator of a woman's shape and not God.

All this, plus much more that many others could add leads to many ills. Women become unnaturally reserved, not expressing their individual personalities as God gave them. Women slow down or stop developing as independent persons who bear the image of God. Rather than growing toward a full maturity and individuality in Christ, women in cults are told any identity apart from men is sinful. An unnatural dependence on men and husbands is the result of this false teaching.

Instead of expressing the individual tastes and personalities that God gives to everyone, women in cults end up looking the same, acting the same, having the same interests, wearing the same type of clothing, hair styles, and lack those womanly things that make women's femininity beautiful. A false femininity is preached which is identified as submission, housekeeping, mothering, and in some cults natural foods only, making one's own clothing only, home schooling only, raising one's own food only, and many other "back to earth" teachings as tests of spirituality.
Please understand that these things are not wrong as preferences, but they do not make anyone more or less spiritual than anyone else; they are just preferences. When they become marks of following Christ and being holy, they become abusive.

Women raised in cults may never know that there is anything outside of what they know to be "God's way," which is really the leader's way and not God's. They view other Christians as worldly and sinful compromisers, but fail to have a positive concept of following Jesus' love and grace. Rather, spirituality is that "we are not like them," just like the Pharisees.

When you go into a cultic, abusive church the women all seem alike. Just like the movie "The Stepford Wives" from the 1970's, there is a uniformity that is unnatural. Rather than giving life in its fullness as the Gospel does, cultic churches rob women of full growth, development, individuality and identity in God and Christ. Women's identity is found in the man, then in the leadership, then in Christ, according to the unbiblical chain of command that is imposed. They are taught that questioning their husbands or pastor is to defy God, since they stand in the place of God. Women are little more than objects for rule and subjugation in some abusive churches.

When a woman leaves a cult, whether she is a wife, a teen, or a single woman past teen years there is great confusion about who and what she is. What should she do now? What is the place of women? How can she dress and use makeup? What is allowed for a career? Are careers allowed, or is menial work the only work fitting for a woman? What is the place of sex in marriage, and how does she express her sexuality? These and so many other questions bombard a sister who has left a cult.

Many of these answers can be found as you enter a wholesome, normal Evangelical church where women are free in Christ. Finding a good church is not easy, but when one is found and you feel safe enough to begin to become a part, start making friends with women who obviously love God, but are so different from the false model you were given in your old church. Look at how godly women are serving and ministering in the church. Talk to them, spend time with them, if needed, find an older woman who can mentor you, maybe even find a Christian woman counselor to help you over the cultic inhibitions. Begin to dream the dreams you had for yourself before you entered the cultic church. Some had gifts of music, writing, business, etc. that were all smothered in error. God has given each of his children gifts and talents that are the very things we are to use to praise him and minister to others. Now that you are free from the cult, part of your healing will be to rediscover what God has given to you so you can bless him and others by using them well.

There are good books on these topics, as well. Many books on marriage, life in Christ, sexuality, ministry, etc. can be found in an evangelical Christian bookstore. Be patient, though. During all the years you were under false teaching you have been brainwashed to believe error, it will not disappear overnight. God will bring you back to truth and life, but it will take time to build a solid foundation of belief and life. Don't despair! God will not leave you!

As a woman you are so greatly treasured in God's eyes. Jesus defied the evil teaching about women in his day - the same type of wrong, evil teaching that is found in most cultic churches. He treated women like equals and honored them. Women were always with him - they even helped support both Jesus and the disciples! Jesus allowed the bleeding woman to touch him, and he spoke and ministered to the woman at the well - all things good Jews of the day would never do. Jesus raised women up from the false subjugation they were held in, and gave them a place of honor in his kingdom. Never, ever look down on yourself. You are highly treasured by God!

This is what I want to say to you, my sisters in Jesus. Leave off following a man and a church and follow Jesus alone; you haven’t seen anything yet!

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord,
Plans to prosper you and not to harm you,
Plans to give you a hope and a future.
-Jeremiah 29:11

Your Brother in Jesus,
Richard Damiani

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