adetoks2010: @ Fine, I may be the main financier of the home but that should not be a reason for his reactions. Sometimes I feel if things are working better for him, he won't [b][/b]be this irritable.

Here lies the genesis of ur problem.

Emotional abuse! That's what most of us face in our marriages. All i do when my husband gets touchy is just to keep quiet n in my mind count down from10 to 1 by the time I'm through counting,he must have finished.that way,i don't get to respond to his raves and rants. Most men find pleasure in bringing a woman down and our self-esteem to nothing.I'm tired.

@adetoks2010,
Sometime ago I used to be like your hubby. What I mean by this: I wil tell my girl exactly where am going, and when she calls (I don't do BBM) and start asking questions that may seem she is snooping, I will get angry and cut the line.....Infact, I do it on almost everybody...... sisters, auntys, friends, cousins etc. Maybe because I am a bit hot tempered not because I want to disrespect them. Again, my word is my bond... I will hardly lie to someone.
But I have to start learning to overcome my temper and communicate "maturedly" when my last ex left (though she wants a re-union now).
To your problem and possible solution:
If you can reduce the bb chatting to the barest minimum, responding only when he initiates it. Seem to careless (in action) but do your wifely duties.
If he loves you as I think, I believe he will notice and try to change.
You must understand that most arrogant men and men quick to temper are just babies at heart. He is trying to overcome some "percieved hidden manliness" that is why he is quick with his tongue or fingers.

adetoks2010: Hello house, please I need your candid opinion and advice. What do you think is wrong with this couple. I am the wife in question and talking or chatting with hubby usually degenerate into misunderstanding. The BBM chat below is just a sample of what I mean.

Background of this chat: It was on a Saturday and we had planned to pay a visit to a couple who just delivered a baby. Coincidentally, a church meeting was summoned for 11am and hubby was to go while I do other things. He was to go for this meeting and later pick me and our baby for the earlier scheduled visit. (Please note that a day before, our car broke down and hubby worked on it, he was also talking about taking the car for servicing later). When it was 3pm and he was not back I called him to know where he was, he didn’t pick it but he replied via a BBM chat. The chat below is the mgs exchanged:

Hubby: Do other things b4 I come. Not through
Wife: Kk, but no other tins to be done o. Where r u?,Are you not thru wit d church meeting?
Hubby: Read
Wife: Where r u?
Hubby:I told u not through and u are asking where I am. Where did I say I was going to?
Wife: (the following emoticons were sent to him)
love
kiss:
love:
rose flower:
rose flower:
love
Hugs:
Hugs
Smile
winks
Kiss:
Love:
Gift:
gift

(At 4pm, he was not back)
Wife::Where r u now, still in church or at the mechanic?
Hubby: Did I at any point in time mentioned mechanic to u?
Wife: Relax bro God is in control and don't get worked up for nothing. Life is too short. (Hugs Hugs) .
Hubby: And who is getting worked up. If not that u just wanted to be silly. I asked u back where did I say I was going to. Instead of u to get d drift u remained stubbornly adamant and asked me where I am, haba

Wife (pointing out the negative words he used): Silly, stubbornly adamant (Emoticons- love,kiss,winks)
Wife: One good turn deserves another. It’s just that I remember how dis couple stood by us in our time, making several trips to d hospital and home even b4 d naming ceremony. During d naming nko? Who made most of d purchases? Dis may be d only time I'll have to say hello to them, it's really bad. Haba, God dey.
Wife: My asking you where u are is just to know whether you are on your way or not. It’s sad that such a simple question can generate such heat from you. It is well.
Hubby: I never knew you could be this senseless

Most conversations with him end like this. Communicating with him is really difficult as he takes offense at trivial things that many people will let go of or will not notice. He seems to be always defensive when I talk to him especially if I have a contrary opinion. To me I feel we don’t communicate except for normal day to day issues. I find it easier speaking with outsiders- family and friends as he is usually not receptive. I don’t like this situation and I am tired – It can really be so lonely even while married. This is just 2 years marriage o. What do you think is wrong and how can I help this situation? Thanks for your advice

Your hubby is the one with the problem. Pompous, proud, rude and uncommunicative. Sadly so many people in Naija are like this, treating neighbour bad yet we f*cking claim to love God and look down on atheist/agnostics.

You get 10 stars for remaining calm and trying to get him to open up.

Advice nah to keep trying to reach through him or get someone cool, calm and mature to talk to him. Sadly though people learn only by experience. He has it coming...it just might change him.

Won't life be easier if we learn to treat people exactly how they treat us,no sugar coating or waving the white flag,just good old dishing back??


Abeg I no get strength for too much typing,make I just dey read.

chaircover: First of all I am not bamboozoled by the love, rose, gift, flower, love, kiss blackberry chat. Infact it sounds patronizing to me. He is saying something and you are answering with something else. its clear that he is pissed off about something but you are patronising him. However if I am wrong and If this is the real and full picture of what happened, then your husband needs to be taken to Aro . . . but you and I both know that you both have been pulling things before this chat happened.

Ive gone back and read your other thread, which incidentally I commented on then blaming your husband, but I know that it takes two to tango and both of you have decided to live like cat and dog inspite of all the advise that you were given here and I am sure other people would have advised you both too.

I know your husband is a nairlander and he will be reading this too. My advise is simple, if you want to live like cat and dog and give each other hypertension, then by all means go for it. If you want to kill yourselves with stress, then by all means go for it. If you both refuse to back down and learn to tolerate the other person, then carry on. You are the ones who will both suffer . .no one else. Every single person advising you here will at some point close their laptops and face their own lives, leaving you to yours. if you like find the best in each other and build on that and if you like carry on fighting. No one cares and no one will live your life for you

A bad marriage will stunt your growth in all other areas and a good marriage will enrich your life in other areas too. Look around you and pick a child doing very well in school, look at the background and you will see a united family. Look at a man doing very well at work in his career and look into his background and you will see a supportive wife. Look at a radiant well dressed happy woman and you will see a woman with a loving husband in the background.

You people are not kids and so its up to you to draw a line in the sand and say no more strife and move on and live the marriage the way it should be. You both are wrong and this time I am not taking sides. If your husband or wife is so bad, either you made him/her bad or you married the wrong person full stop.

This is superb! Madam,may God enrich u flenty flenty.
Never knew they had issues b4.
Op,as u and ur husband make una bed,na so una go lie on it.
I hate proud pple.

byvan: Won't life be easier if we learn to treat people exactly how they treat us,no sugar coating or waving the white flag,just good old dishing back??


Abeg I no get strength for too much typing,make I just dey read.

Agadi nwanyi,I ka na ebughali afo ukwu gi?
How r u?

@yellowpawpaw,Nne akam na ebughali afom,adim mma.Ike ogologo akuko ndia adighim,kam na ele na anya.Oga na baby kwanu?

Ooooohhhhhh Laaaawwwwwddddd....isn't there a rule about not speaking local languages here?
I hereby move a motion to add Rule No 22: THOU MUST TYPE IN ENGLISH ALWAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

@op i think you are giving him too much attention...abeggi free the guy...let him be! Stop questioning him and do things on your own! I know his type, they alwys feel they r right at all times, all u just need to do is ignore him...keep doing ur responsibilities as a wife bt dont bother him....he'll surely miss your botherings by the time u let him be.
I can rmber watchn a cartoon, whr a man bothered som kids so much by telling them som silly stories they tried all they cud to avoid him, insulted and treated him bad bt he didnt stop...bt when he finally did nd left, they missed him so muchhh...they all ran out to go look for him. So just ignore him biko.
Communication might worsen tinz so keep mute while wid him, he wil defo miss you.

byvan: @yellowpawpaw,Nne akam na ebughali afom,adim mma.Ike ogologo akuko ndia adighim,kam na ele na anya.Oga na baby kwanu?

Hahaha! Very soon!I'm counting! Ha di nma

alutacontinua: Ooooohhhhhh Laaaawwwwwddddd....isn't there a rule about not speaking local languages here?
I hereby move a motion to add Rule No 22: THOU MUST TYPE IN ENGLISH ALWAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Aluta,sorry o! But there r things meant for d one u r addressin only.except of course those who can understand d language.
I didn't c u say d same thing on that thread u said too much mgbati mgbati here.

Na wah ooh . . so people like OP exist? You must be an angel!
Me I would have pinged him so hard he would have switched off his phone!
That being said, he had no reason to talk to you like that . . no reason whatsoever!

yellowpawpaw:
Aluta,sorry o! But there r things meant for d one u r addressin only.except of course those who can understand d language.
I didn't c u say d same thing on that thread u said too much mgbati mgbati here.

PM dey!
I bin tire for all of it na...both the mgbati mgbati and this one here. Bikonu

@Aluta,anyi ga na asuriri igbo nah threadia,iwe ewela gi,inugo

adetoks2010: Hello house, please I need your candid opinion and advice. What do you think is wrong with this couple. I am the wife in question and talking or chatting with hubby usually degenerate into misunderstanding. The BBM chat below is just a sample of what I mean.

Background of this chat: It was on a Saturday and we had planned to pay a visit to a couple who just delivered a baby. Coincidentally, a church meeting was summoned for 11am and hubby was to go while I do other things. He was to go for this meeting and later pick me and our baby for the earlier scheduled visit. (Please note that a day before, our car broke down and hubby worked on it, he was also talking about taking the car for servicing later). When it was 3pm and he was not back I called him to know where he was, he didn’t pick it but he replied via a BBM chat. The chat below is the mgs exchanged:

Hubby: Do other things b4 I come. Not through
Wife: Kk, but no other tins to be done o. Where r u?,Are you not thru wit d church meeting?
Hubby: Read
Wife: Where r u?
Hubby:I told u not through and u are asking where I am. Where did I say I was going to?
Wife: (the following emoticons were sent to him)
love
kiss:
love:
rose flower:
rose flower:
love
Hugs:
Hugs
Smile
winks
Kiss:
Love:
Gift:
gift

(At 4pm, he was not back)
Wife::Where r u now, still in church or at the mechanic?
Hubby: Did I at any point in time mentioned mechanic to u?
Wife: Relax bro God is in control and don't get worked up for nothing. Life is too short. (Hugs Hugs) .
Hubby: And who is getting worked up. If not that u just wanted to be silly. I asked u back where did I say I was going to. Instead of u to get d drift u remained stubbornly adamant and asked me where I am, haba

Wife (pointing out the negative words he used): Silly, stubbornly adamant (Emoticons- love,kiss,winks)
Wife: One good turn deserves another. It’s just that I remember how dis couple stood by us in our time, making several trips to d hospital and home even b4 d naming ceremony. During d naming nko? Who made most of d purchases? Dis may be d only time I'll have to say hello to them, it's really bad. Haba, God dey.
Wife: My asking you where u are is just to know whether you are on your way or not. It’s sad that such a simple question can generate such heat from you. It is well.
Hubby: I never knew you could be this senseless

Most conversations with him end like this. Communicating with him is really difficult as he takes offense at trivial things that many people will let go of or will not notice. He seems to be always defensive when I talk to him especially if I have a contrary opinion. To me I feel we don’t communicate except for normal day to day issues. I find it easier speaking with outsiders- family and friends as he is usually not receptive. I don’t like this situation and I am tired – It can really be so lonely even while married. This is just 2 years marriage o. What do you think is wrong and how can I help this situation? Thanks for your advice

Advice, don't bother yourself too much about it. A lot of men find it hard to accept they are tied down and still want to do stuff on their own. They feel bugged by you asking where they are, or what they are up to. Or he might have a gf you never can tell with these men. After going thru all this rigmarole with my own Oga, I started boning. If we say 3pm and 4pm I never see you, I'll send a message, "took a cab down to see them, I'll see you when you get there". Remember, you don't have to go with him, don't let him insult you, be calm and don't take it seriously.

byvan: @Aluta,anyi ga na asuriri igbo nah threadia,iwe ewela gi,inugo

some men who are married to women with higher financial standing look for way to belittle them.
He may be feeling insecure and being verbally abusive gives him that king kongish feelings.

adetoks2010: Hello house, please I need your candid opinion and advice. What do you think is wrong with this couple. I am the wife in question and talking or chatting with hubby usually degenerate into misunderstanding. The BBM chat below is just a sample of what I mean.

Background of this chat: It was on a Saturday and we had planned to pay a visit to a couple who just delivered a baby. Coincidentally, a church meeting was summoned for 11am and hubby was to go while I do other things. He was to go for this meeting and later pick me and our baby for the earlier scheduled visit. (Please note that a day before, our car broke down and hubby worked on it, he was also talking about taking the car for servicing later). When it was 3pm and he was not back I called him to know where he was, he didn’t pick it but he replied via a BBM chat. The chat below is the mgs exchanged:

Hubby: Do other things b4 I come. Not through
Wife: Kk, but no other tins to be done o. Where r u?,Are you not thru wit d church meeting?
Hubby: Read
Wife: Where r u?
Hubby:I told u not through and u are asking where I am. Where did I say I was going to?
Wife: (the following emoticons were sent to him)
love
kiss:
love:
rose flower:
rose flower:
love
Hugs:
Hugs
Smile
winks
Kiss:
Love:
Gift:
gift

(At 4pm, he was not back)
Wife::Where r u now, still in church or at the mechanic?
Hubby: Did I at any point in time mentioned mechanic to u?
Wife: Relax bro God is in control and don't get worked up for nothing. Life is too short. (Hugs Hugs) .
Hubby: And who is getting worked up. If not that u just wanted to be silly. I asked u back where did I say I was going to. Instead of u to get d drift u remained stubbornly adamant and asked me where I am, haba

Wife (pointing out the negative words he used): Silly, stubbornly adamant (Emoticons- love,kiss,winks)
Wife: One good turn deserves another. It’s just that I remember how dis couple stood by us in our time, making several trips to d hospital and home even b4 d naming ceremony. During d naming nko? Who made most of d purchases? Dis may be d only time I'll have to say hello to them, it's really bad. Haba, God dey.
Wife: My asking you where u are is just to know whether you are on your way or not. It’s sad that such a simple question can generate such heat from you. It is well.
Hubby: I never knew you could be this senseless

Most conversations with him end like this. Communicating with him is really difficult as he takes offense at trivial things that many people will let go of or will not notice. He seems to be always defensive when I talk to him especially if I have a contrary opinion. To me I feel we don’t communicate except for normal day to day issues. I find it easier speaking with outsiders- family and friends as he is usually not receptive. I don’t like this situation and I am tired – It can really be so lonely even while married. This is just 2 years marriage o. What do you think is wrong and how can I help this situation? Thanks for your advice

Do you suspect him cheating? Too bad his response.But from your chat, I believe you are a good woman. Just handle this with care

Reading this thread and the old one, I feel sorry for the op. She's in this one already.
Obviously, all the advices given them both on the other thread didn't do anything to help and I doubt any one given here will. Their marriage is in their hands.

@CC May your days be long.

Your MARRIAGE is how you make it, and I agree it's a team work but someone must put in more effort than the other- Fact.

All those 50year old marriages have had their trial and tribulation times why?; Because they make it work as long as nobody's life is threatened and infidelity is ruled out , I don't see why I should give myself any unnecessary HBP because he's hanging out late with his buddies and start pinging him like an obsessed woman when I have vehicles to take me wherever I want to get things done myself, or call a cab or okada ( worse) if I must go out by all means.

As per earning more than him, I really don't see that as the problem here, let this OP check herself and stop living in fantasy world and get real. People change, that's a fact , so because he was or wasn't like that before is not an excuse here. PEOPLE CHANGE!!!!!


He's not gonna be yes dear all his life because he did that 'when they were dating' .

When you ping me or whatever you call it ; where are you ? ......and I already responded just like they ( in this story) already had an understanding where he was and what he was doing with no certainty when he's gonna be done ,

I don't expect anymore 'toss a few crumb'-like response with fake kisses and hugs to make me look like a fool or a child.( gba biscuit ma binu kinda like thing)

Just drop it for a while and give me a freaking breathing space unless the house is on fire or a kid drowned in the deep end.

Be real to yourselves and grow up already . All these la de da de da back and forth won't take you father in this marriage and that's a fact!!

Go with the growth , people change.

Person dey church meeting come dey call him wife "stup-id" and "silly",na wa for that kind christianity oh.
Madam, after reading through your previous posts and his responses here it is clear he is petty and verbally abusive.
You did nothing wrong by trying to calm the situation, seems you have studied him and learnt to stay calm when he starts I commend you.
I suggest you stop depending on him to do things like visits and things you need to do.
Try to make alternative plans if he is busy to avoid such situations.
Also this attitude is not acceptable lashing out on spouses.
A man is meant to love his wife more than he loves himself till the day he calls him self "stup-id " and silly he has no right to call you such especially a Christian man.
If a Man can not Love a woman selflessly and a woman cannot respect her husband Love and submit to him then people should not get married just because "people are talking".
A marriage is a special gift from God requiring 2 people to work together in respect for Gods commands.
How can someone be in church and be abusing his own body?
Anyway, I wish you the best.

Short of words

adetoks2010: @efe, tanks for your advice. I actually noticed this trait in him while courting and I called his attention to it. He promised that he won't talk to me that way. He talks to his siblings like that sometimes especially wen he is angry but I am not ready to accept that.

@ileobatojo, that is not the issue here. The truth is he has a mindset that I like challenging him, not submissive etc. I don't know why he feels challenged by my person. Fine, I may be the main financier of the home but that should not be a reason for his reactions. Sometimes I feel if things are working better for him, he won't be this irritable.

Now i know where the problem is coming from>May be your husband is using this as his defense mechanism since as u said you are the main financier of the home so as to let you know that being the financier does not make you the head of the house or he might think that is he is not hard with you,you might start controlling( but he got it wrong).The only thing i believe that will work is that you call his attention when his is in good mood.TALK to him as a wife,let him understand that using abusive word on you m hurt your feelings and makes you feel bad,pour out your mind to him in the best way you can but choose your words. Also try and communicate with him often and avoid this chatting of a thing.Marriage is a school of its own,put everything in prayer.It is well Sister!

I had to read twice to get the unspoken words and the truth is the husband is over reacting. Your wife may be silly but do you need to tell her that.
The wife goofed but the best I would do is to be silent. Is also obvious there may be some scores the man want to settle.
Thirdly, I am tired of hearing people telling the woman must do this to make the marriage work. what about the man? It seems marriage is about the women. like someone said, she does this n that, yet her man won't help in house chores at least once awhile. some men should grow up abeg.