life is challenging. There is a reason your poor
family decided to pool resources to send you to
Law School. They didn’t send you there to take the
long route – serving some stingy senior lawyer or
law firm for 5-10 years before you can afford to
make it on your own. I will treat the issue of
stingy senior lawyers another day.
When people ask me how it feels like to be a
lawyer, I often save them from the
disappointment that the truth is sure to give
them; I shrug, smile and add to whatever mystery
already exists in their head.
But you, my faithful reader – especially you, the
new lawyer or law student – I will tell the truth. I
want you to, at least, like your banker colleagues,
be able to afford to pay your own rent and buy a
clean second hand car in the first to second year
after your call to the Nigerian Bar.
Register your private law firm as soon as you
finish and print your letter head and
complimentary cards. Your cards especially
should have your full and imposing title:
Barrister and Solicitor of the Supreme Court of
Nigeria. I mean a lawyer knows that’s all hot air
but to a non-lawyer it makes you seem like you
learnt under Saint Paul himself and have your
office right in the Supreme Court. Hustling must
start immediately, whether you work in a law firm
or not.
Learn how to eavesdrop on people’s conversation
for any possible legal services they may need.
Somebody’s wife was slapped. Apologise for
butting in, then quickly inform them that under
our legal system, that is a crime called assault.
You are a lawyer and you can help them. By help,
you mean take their money. If they look at you
funny, whip out your card. They will see that full
title, which is a killer. Suddenly you will appear
more intelligent, more important.
When you walk into a big store, don’t just buy
stuff and leave. If you can see the manager, ask if
they have registered their business with the
Corporate Affairs Commission. Company
registration is a no-brainer. Yes, serious lawyers
snub it but what do you care? Offer to register
their business for less than what your colleagues
charge. The idea is turn over. If you have many
companies to register at the same time, it won’t
matter that you are charging less (and spoiling
business for other hustling lawyers).
You must never ignore police stations. There is
always money to be made there. Anyone who
calls you a charge and bail lawyer, God will judge
them harshly. Take keen interest in the affairs of
your neighbours. There is always someone
dragging someone to the police station or
someone being arrested for something. Don’t
wait until you are called. Go there and offer your
services. Trouble is your business.
The art of securing bail is one that only the
streetwise can handle. No one will teach you that
in school. They teach you crap like “bail is free”
and “no one must be held for more than 24
hours without charge”. Bah! The Police in Nigeria
don’t care what you’ve been taught, in fact, the
more legal you get, the more complicated things
get for your prospective client. And trust me there
is nothing worse than messing up a neighbour’s
case. You don’t want to be sneaking into your
own neighbourhood at odd hours. I have only, in
my four years of legal practice, secured one free
bail. And that was only because the DPO was on
the Investigating Police Officer’s (IPO) case for
something else. I cashed in on his confusion and
by the time he realised I was not going to give
him any money, my client had been released and
bond papers signed. He, however, took me to the
side and gave me a good talking to: “Na you make
your client no give us anything abi?”
Moral of the story? Common sense is more
useful than law inside a Police Station. You have
no friends inside a Police Station. Bail is hardly
ever free.
You must learn to negotiate with the IPO firmly,
respectfully and pragmatically. Learn this and you
will become hot cake in your community, making
so much money that you won’t care if anyone
calls you charge and bail.
To avoid the stereotypical look of the struggling
Nigerian Lawyer – shirts that were once white,
shoe soles eaten to a 45 degree angle, a heavy
tattered bag containing everything from your wig
and gown to dozens of company registration
forms and affidavit forms – you need to also be
an estate agent. You must befriend as many
landlords as you can so that you will have
signboards reading “TO LET” on as many empty
houses as possible.
Look for people trying to sell houses or land and
help them aggressively market it. You never know
which 10% commission will take you
permanently out of poverty. When you have sold
that expensive house and ride home in a Range
Rover Sport (with NBA stickers in front and
behind) no one will bother if you ever go to court
or not. Your neighbours will hail you as you drive
past: ‘Barristaa!’
It is no surprise that struggling lawyers are the
most hated in their families. The reason is
simple. After supporting you morally and
otherwise to become a lawyer, the least they
expect from you is to make reasonable
contributions at family events and send money
into their accounts when they call you.
God forbid that you become a struggling Nigerian
lawyer. Follow my advice and your family and
neighbours will think you are the best thing since
point-and-kill. As always, God bless your hustle

Thankyou for this lovely and really down-to-earth post got my ribs cracking at some point though.


P.S. I'm a budding lawyer myself

tenx

Op Nice one.