LoveAmaka88:
There are 3 types of people in this world.

Those who can count and those who can’t.

Sorry o...but na two u list na
1. those who can count
2. those who can't

abeg wey d third category? abi na mixture of d two ni?

lol, @yame that was the joke

LoveAmaka88: lol, @yame that was the joke

lol...fear catch me before...'thought it was a riddle that needs cracking ni o......nice work though @loveamaka....

Akpos in a new Secondary School

TEACHER : There will be an elementary science test next week.

Contrary to his nature, Akpos reads his book from cover to cover like no man's business.

On test day, teacher lines up about 5 birds, covering each with a piece of cloth so only their legs are visible.

QUESTION 1 : Looking at the leg of a bird write down its common name, species, family, zoological name, habitat etc.

After about 20mins of frustration and not writing down anything, Akpos storms to the teacher's desk and slams his blank sheet in front of the teacher.

AKPOS : Sir, this test makes no sense! I am going home!

TEACHER : What a rude boy! Come back here. What is your name ?

Akpos raises his trouser and points to his leg "Oya, you too, look at my leg and tell me my name, my surname, my house address,
what tribe I come from...."

During an argument, a HUSBAND told his WIFE, "women are just DONKEYS. All women are DONKEYS!"

The next day as they were travelling along the highway, a donkey
crosses right in front of their car.

The WIFE tells her HUSBAND, "Sweetheart, be careful. Your sister is crossing the road."

good morning

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. What type of bra?" asked the clerk. Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type? Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.

Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from. Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied: There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them. The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple...

The Catholic type supports the masses. The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen...
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright...
And The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills....

A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant. The flight attendant, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, "Did your Mom tell you to ask me?"

The boy said, "yes she did."

"Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you."

A couple received a letter 4rm dia daughter who went overseas 2 study physics and d letter reads: "my beloved parents, i miss u so much and it breaks my hrt 2 fink dat by d time i get back u wil b too old, so i enclosed a bottle of portion i av invented.it wil make u young.so when i return, u wil b d same age as i left u. NOTE:Pls. "Take only a drop". So dey opened d envelope and in it there is a bottle wit a red portion. D man looked at d wife and said: u go first (typical of men) so d wife takes a drop thereafter, d huzband follows. Indeed d wife turned 5yrs younger, years letter d daughter returns home 2 find her mum young and pretty,carrying a baby on her back. D mother proceeds 2 tel her daughter how d portion worked and made her look young. D daughter was delighted and asks of her dad. MOTHER:Ur father? Hmm!, my child, ur father was so jealous dat i was so young and beautiful, so he drank d whole portion. DAUGHTER: What? So where is he? MOTHER: Hahaha!, who do u fink is d baby boy on my back?

A man and his friend were enjoying drinks at a local pub in the early afternoon. The man ordered another tall glass of beer.

Before he could take another drink, his friend pointed outside at a funeral procession passing on the road. The man slammed down his glass, took off his hat, bowed his head and closed his eyes in prayer.

His friend was amazed. "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are the kindest man I have ever known."

The man shrugged. "Yeah, well, we were married for 35 years."

Q: What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women wild?

A: a $100 bill!

A man left work and headed home one Friday evening. However, being that it was payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with his boys and spending his entire paycheck.

When he finally appeared at home Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife. She yelled at him for hours about his behavior.

Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied, "That would be fine with me!"

Monday came and went, and he didn't see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of left eye.

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic,but not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to an expensive boutique and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.

During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents,the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:

"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove."

"These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart."

"I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. "

"When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. "

"Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love. "

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place.

It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would never have to testify
in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his
missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?"

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Guido trembles and signs, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger!"

Good one

Eddie was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really mad. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE".

The next morning Eddie got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral services for Eddie have been scheduled for Friday.

During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asks the students: "Students, If you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom? Michael?"

Michael: "Just a minute, I have to go pee."

Teacher: "That would be rude and impolite!!!

Teacher: "What about you Peter, how would you say it?"

Peter: "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."

Teacher: "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you Little Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?"

Johnny: "I would say: 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I need to go over and shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope you'll get to meet after supper. "

The teacher fainted!!

familiar with a few of 'em, but i still dey feel u

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

sir.law:
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

Na tokunbo o. . . but e still funny sha. . . damn, thats 1 cold hubby

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!" The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

An American Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. “Mom, why is my big brother named Mighty Storm?” “Because he was conceived during a mighty storm.” “Why is my sister named Cornflower?” “Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her." "And why is my other sister called Moonchild?” "We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived. Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?”

There was a woman.

She married and had 11 children. Her husband died.

She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children.

Again, her husband died. And alas, she finally died.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked The Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"

The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."

LOL @ Torn Rubber. . . Hehehe. . .

That woman wey dey born like pig suppose RIP, make dem no turn the whole world to China. . .

Over 2,000 views...It's a party, it's a party, it's a part-ay!

LoveAmaka88:
Over 2,000 views...It's a party, it's a party, it's a part-ay!

Am I invited??

Ochuko was embarking on a long trip and decides his
wife should wear a locked steel underwear so
that she wouldn't cheat on him.
He locks the underwear and gives the key to his
best friend Akpos saying, "Bro, if I don't come
back in 4 years, set her free".
Ochuko was only 30 minutes into his journey when he
sees a cloud of dust behind him. It was Akpos
running after him.
"What's wrong?" Ochuko asked.
Akpos, still panting says, "You gave me the wrong
key!"

WELCOME TO THE 21ST CENTURY!
Our phones ~ wireless!
Cooking ~ fireless!
Cars ~ keyless!
Food ~ fatless!
Dress ~ sleeveless!
Youths ~ Jobless!
Leaders ~ shameless!
Relationships ~ meaningless!
Attitude ~ careless!
Wives ~ fearless!
Feelings ~ heartless!
Education ~ valueless!
Children ~ mannerless!
Everything is becoming LESS But still, Our Hopes
are ~ Endless.
Infact, I am speechless.

A couple of fools in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."

The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"

The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."

"All right. How long do you need them?"

The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check."

After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."

Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.

Before long, along came a little old man. The son exclaimed, "Ooooh dad, there's one!"

"No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to feed the dogs. We'll just wait."

Well, a little while later, along came this really fat woman. The son said, "Hey dad, she's plenty big enough."

"No," the father said. "We'd all die of heart attacks from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."

About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman. The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."

"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."

"Why not?" asked the son.

"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."

Woman walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."

"What's the problem?" the doctor inquired.

"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with men. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."

"My lady, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have suitors buzzing all around you."

The woman seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later she returned with the same downtrodden expression on her face. "Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.

"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most handsome and wealthy men."

"So, what's your problem?"

"I don't have a problem," the woman replied. "My husband does."

My friend Mike was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed Mike by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, "Son, you need to join the Army of the Lord!"

Mike replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

Pastor questioned, "Why do I only see you on Christmas and Easter?"

Mike whispered back, "I'm in the secret service.

5 ways for man to be happy with women

1. Be with a women who makes you laugh…

2. Be with a women who gives cooks good food…

3. Be with a women who takes care of you…

4. Be with a women who really loves you…

5. Finally, make sure these four women don’t know 
each other!