Welcome to the Plenty Talk No Action School of
Political Science. Take your seat please, as I begin
my lecture, endeavour to turn off all mobile
phones.
How to be a politician? It’s not so difficult, all you
have to do is follow a set of unofficial rules.
These rules are not codified in any legal
document, but that does not, by any means,
mean they do not exist. Being the Good
Samaritan/ political science teacher that I am, I
will carry out a civic obligation and lay them bare
for all aspiring politicians. I present ‘How to be a
Politician 101’.

1. TALK THE TALK
Learn the prevalent parlance. Make yourself a pro
at making empty promises. These days, that is
not as hard as it should be. You don’t even have
to be believed, we’d still think you’re lying
anyway. Honesty is not a prerequisite for the job,
so do well to do away with it. Learn how to tell
white-faced lies while placing your hands on a
holy book. Asides this, you will also need to
master a couple of phrases that are appropriate
for different situations.
When something a bomb explodes: We shall do
our best to bring the perpetrators to book.
When you’re launching an obviously overpriced
project: Today is a great day in the history of
this nation/state
When you’re flogged in the media for obvious
ineptitude: This is the work of my detractors.
While campaigning, your key words should be
change, transformation and restoration. If
you’re inexperienced, don’t break a sweat, it’s
easy to learn, just watch the primetime news or
read the national dailies for indirect coaching
from the professors in the industry. It is of
cardinal importance that your dictionary does not
have the words- sincerity, efficiency or
transparency. Replace those with stakeholders,
contractor, off shore accounts and detractors.

2. SPEND THE MONEY
Before you go ahead and spend all the money
you can lay your hands on, on things we will
never lay our hands on, you must first follow the
custom of probing the outgoing government. Next
step, go ahead and award outlandish contracts to
build invisible airports, imaginary roads and
imperceptible factories. It is imperative that the
contracts are awarded to companies that do not
exist in our directories or in real life. Please do
not disregard this critical point, a deviation from
which will earmark you as an enemy of progress
amongst other politicians. Proceed to appoint
people into posts based on your years of
friendship, alliances and their funding of your
campaign. Pay absolutely no attention to their
qualifications, the media will make noise about it,
don’t mind them. They always do that. The less
qualified your appointees are, the better your
excuse after they inevitably fail to perform, but
nonetheless, when you win a second term,
appoint the same people. The media? Forget
them, I’ve told you that’s all they know how to do!

3. MAKE ENEMIES
This part is very easy. Make enemies, why?
Because you need somebody to blame when
things go awry, why else? Who did you think that
word ‘detractor’ in your special English- Politics
Translations Dictionary referred to? Enemies are a
vital cog of your government; underestimate their
essence at your own peril. If a project goes bad,
your enemies are at work. When newspapers
publish concrete evidence of your financial
dubiety, it’s the work of your enemies. When you
contest and win ‘free and fair’ elections and word
goes around that you got under-aged voters
involved in the electoral process, it’s those
restless enemies of yours again. What about the
devil? Let the devil be, too many people blame
him already.

4. GET A FIRST LADY
This step is of two parts. A. Get yourself a First
Lady. B. Make her come up with a pet project.
Don’t ask me why, ask why not. After all, all your
predecessors did same; it’s just what First Ladies
do. There are some attendant principles to this
however. It has to be related to something
humanitarian so we think she’s serious. Child
abuse, Child Trafficking, Women Trafficking are
all areas of concentration but take note, the fields
of House-girl Abuse and Gateman Abuse remain
yet uncharted courses, if you strive for
philanthropic novelty, I recommend those. Next,
she must organize a fund-raising event via an
elaborate media campaign. Invite your friends,
not those useless old secondary school mates,
we’re talking big men here. Make them donate
handsomely while expecting a contract in
reciprocity and when it’s all said and done, erase
every single evidence and trace of the foundation/
charity or whatever name you append to it and
make sure we never hear of it again. Done?
Perfect.

5. KNOW YOUR ALPHABETS
Actually, you don’t need to know all of them,
some are more important than others. A stands
for ALLOCATION, be familiar with that, it’s
essential. B stands for BOKO HARAM, if you know
what’s good for you, stay away from beer
parlours. C is for CONTRACT. Of course! What
else could it be for? D is for Deziani Allison-
Madueke, don’t mess with her, many have tried,
none has succeeded. E doesn’t stand for
Efficiency, that word does not exist. Fast forward
to P, which stands for Profit Sharing, some silly
holier-than-thou idiots will say it stands for
Pension, what’s your business with that? And
finally Z stands for Zoning, there’s a system in
place ok? Unless you’re a shoeless boy from
Bayelsa, you have to abide by it.
Well, that’s the end of our lecture, wear your Fila,
roll up your Agbada, go out there and make your
party proud! Remember to appoint me as a
Special Adviser of something-something affairs,
so I can sit in a palatial office, do nothing and
still somehow make enough money to make our
enemies jealous.