AUG 09, 2010 |JOHN THOMAS

QUESTION:
As a 28-year-old, Christian, single guy, I've heard
this message preached countless number of
times: I need to honor the girls in my life and
treat them with respect. I need to view them as
sisters in Christ. Great message. What I was
hoping this article would tackle is the question,
"How does a single man deal with the lack of
physical intimacy?" Although I am very secure in
myself and thoroughly enjoy the stage of life I am
in, physical intimacy is one of the areas that
seems ... how can I put it ... non-existent.
However, the "male urges" are still existent. How
are single, Christian guys supposed to handle this
issue in a Christ-like manner? I think the majority
of us already know how we are supposed to treat
women. On top of that it's our strong desire to
give them the respect that they deserve. So
instead of us just hearing what we are not
supposed to do, it would be nice to hear how we
can fill that seeming void that exists when we do
the right thing.
I think this unfortunately dives into the problem
with porn in the Christian church today. Although
I am not trying to condone it in any way, I'm sure
that many times pornography turns into the
coping mechanism for the lack of physical
intimacy in Christian, single men. I already know
and could teach the lesson about the harms of
porn, so that's not the issue. It's a battle in which
I already know right from wrong. Sometimes that
battle is lost. And I know for myself, one of the
justifications that runs through my mind is that
this is one way to achieve the facade of physical
intimacy without hurting the "sisters in Christ"
immediately surrounding me. This in no way
really justifies the act, and guilt always follows. I
may be the only one that thinks that, but I guess
I'm hoping that I'm not.
If this issue was tackled by a brave soul, it would
be nice to hear it coming from a positive
standpoint of godly ways to fulfill that desire as
opposed to an article coming down on the
graveness of pornography and uncontrolled
flirting.
ANSWER
We've received numerous variations on this same
question, and I have much to say about it — too
much for one response — but let's at least get
started. I could give you the standard "flee
temptation/be pure" answer and leave it at that,
but it wouldn't do you much good. Don't get me
wrong, the Bible is chock full of "flee temptation/
be pure" instruction, but that really doesn't get to
heart of it. We're going for a holistic approach.
I want to acknowledge John Eldredge for helping
me organize my thinking on this issue in his book
Wild at Heart. I encourage you to read it — once
now and again when you turn 40. You'll get a
different message a decade or two from now.
What is this illusive male "urge"? It is not — I
repeat — not merely the sexual impulse or desire
for orgasm. The male urge goes much, much
deeper than sexual release. A man needs —
"urges" for — three primary things: a battle to
fight, a beauty to rescue and an adventure to
live. Eldredge points out that all three desires are
placed in a man's heart by God himself, dating
back to Adam. It's a theme that recurs over and
over in mythology and romantic stories. The
knight in shining armor fights valiantly for the
noble cause of the kingdom, defeats the enemy
and rescues the damsel in distress. From
Cinderella to Braveheart, the theme is the same
— a beauty, a battle, an adventure.
We men desire to be that hero. We desire to live
that adventure, to fight that fight and unveil the
beauty of a woman. We think, But I'm not on the
streets of Baghdad fighting terrorists; there are
no more knights or gladiators. I'm just a regular
ol' guy in the modern world, earning a degree or
working my job. There are no more battles to
fight, no adventures to live, no beauties to
rescue. So we retreat to the illicit and are
distracted for a few moments from our boredom.
Second Samuel 11-12 is a snapshot of exactly
what I'm talking about, the infamous Bathsheba
Incident. David, the once great-warrior, has quit
fighting, even while a battle raged around him.
While the other men fought valiantly, he lounged
back home on his couch watching Bathsheba,
someone else's wife, take a bath (porn) and then
used her. In contrast, her warrior-husband Uriah
wouldn't even think of sleeping in his own house
with his own wife while a battle raged. His heart
called him into battle. The beauty would have to
wait.
Satan's Big Lie to you, to every man, is that there
is no battle, or at least not one worthy of your
participation. Here, he says when he offers the
illicit, here's a little something to keep you busy in
the meantime, while you wait for something to
happen. But Scripture disagrees, "Be sober-
minded; be watchful. Your adversary [tell me, if
there's no battle, why do you have an adversary?]
the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking
someone to devour [nope, no battles here ...].
Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the
same kinds of suffering are being experienced by
your brotherhood throughout the world" (1 Peter
5:8-9, ESV).
Let me ask you, if a real lion were about to literally
eat your heart, would you be thumbing through a
Victoria's Secret catalog? No. You'd be fighting for
your life. Most of us live like life is a trip to the
mall, but as Eldredge says, in reality it's more like
the opening scene of Saving Private Ryan
(Normandy Beach, D-Day, WWII).
Your adversary, the devil, is not merely trying to
get you to be sexually illicit, whether through sex
or masturbation. The enemy is trying to destroy
your masculine strength, hoping to distract you
from battle against him, thus making you
ineffective.
He might offer counterfeit battles (a lifetime
dedicated to the accumulation of things),
counterfeit adventures (Jackass: The Movie
activities) and/or a counterfeit beauty (the
detached women of porn and advertising). But
those aren't really the problems. Your urges are
not the problems. Your heart's deepest longings
are God-given, but for them to be fulfilled, you
must get out on the front lines in the battle for
your heart.
Here's my advice: The next time you're tempted
to satisfy your urges illicitly (and married men, by
the way, have the same temptations and urges),
let me give you a new image. Picture yourself in
full military gear, strapped head to toe with
weapons. It's scorching hot. You're on the wall of
the castle, the center of the kingdom and inside
that castle is its most valuable possession: your
heart as God desires it to be. The sweat and blood
are dripping from your face. Your hands are
gripping a fully automatic 50 caliber machine
gun. Your job is to stop any enemy force that
dare attack — no, devour — your heart. Now, pull
the trigger.
I wish I could grab every young man by the
shoulders and say, The battle! The battle! The
battle! The battle is raging, but it's not a battle
merely against porn or any other illicit behavior.
The battle raging is for your heart. Even as a
Christian, your old nature acts as an insurgency.
You must fight that battle every day. Your
weapons are spiritual disciplines ( Ephesians
6:10-20), especially prayer and reading God's
Word.
I want to issue a challenge to you. I want to call
you into the battle, to fight like you've never
fought before. If I told you that there is someone
who right now is stalking you, watching your
every move, with the intent of stealing from you,
killing you, destroying you, literally devouring
your masculinity, would you view life differently?
Of course you would. You'd be on high alert every
minute — a Special Ops soldier on night patrol
down the streets of Baghdad — finger on the
trigger, watching for flashes of light, ready to fire.
What I just described is not hypothetical. It is
your reality. Your enemy the devil is at war with
you, and according to 1 Peter 5:8, is prowling
around you, seeking to devour you. Every day
you wake up, your enemy has your heart in his
sights. What better way to keep you ineffective
than by offering you counterfeits for the desires
God has placed in your heart? Rather than
embracing the adventure of a vibrant, Christian
life, you chase the short-lived adrenaline rush.
Rather than pursuing the beauty of your life —
your wife or wife-to-be — you retreat to the
detached women of porn and advertising. Rather
than engaging the battle for your heart and the
hearts of others, you settle for fighting for
material gain or prestige. As a result, you are
partially satisfied, fairly bored and completely
distracted from war.
Every day you wake up, you wake up in an arena.
You're Maximus. And when you open your eyes,
the enemy starts swinging, because he knows
that if you really engage, you are dangerous.
You've got to get your hands on some armor and
some weapons, and fast. Ephesians 6:10-18 tells
you what those are.
That passage assures you that you are not
fighting porn, per se, or anything else you can
see with your flesh and blood eyes. You are
fighting the unseen powers of darkness — Satan
and his demons and their schemes against you —
therefore your weapons are spiritual. I know this
can be very, very unfamiliar territory for you, but
it is absolutely essential that you go there. It feels
like wilderness, but that's OK. You can train
yourself.
The passage describes your armor and your
weapons. There is an extensive list, but I'm going
to challenge you on just two weapons that leap
out of the passage: prayer and God's Word. Those
are the nuclear bombs in your arsenal. You must
get serious about these two disciplines of the
Christian life. Any Christian I know who has any
depth has these two things in common: They
pray, and they study the Bible with disciplined
regularity.
Here's my advice in the form of a challenge: Every
day for the next seven days, set your alarm 15
minutes earlier than usual, and start the next
seven days with 15 minutes of prayer and
reading God's Word. Start by reading a Psalm and
a chapter of Proverbs (choose the chapter that
corresponds with the day of the month if you
wish) and then finish the time by praying (if you
need some guidance on prayer, consider using
ACTS, an acronym for Adoration, Confession,
Thanksgiving and Supplication). After seven days
is up, set your alarm for 15 more minutes earlier,
and start the next seven days with 30 minutes of
reading and prayer. Continue this cycle and in
about a month you'll be starting your day with an
hour of prayer and reading. You'll soon discover
that even an hour isn't enough. Here's my story
about the first time I tried to start the day with
prayer.
I commend you for addressing the issue of
physical intimacy as a single person and wanting
to respect and honor the young women in your
life. You showed a lot of courage in writing us.
Rest assured, though, that being single is not the
reason this is an issue. The struggles and
temptations continue after marriage, because the
battle for your heart continues. Go to battle on
behalf of your masculine wiring. Fight for your
heart every day. Be active in the pursuit of the
beauty — the wife — God has for you. Live the
adventure of a life committed to Christ. Focus on
these things, and the rest will fall into place.
Blessings,
JOHN THOMAS
P.S. Anyone willing to take the challenge? Let us
know.
Copyright 2010 John Thomas. All rights reserved.

Source: http://www.boundless.org/advice/2010/how-might-single-guys-handle-their-sexual-urges-in-a-christ-like-manner

Mod I hope you see reason to move this topic to the front page. Thanks and God bless the patient reader.

Nice article.

romans 6:16

Don't you realize that you become the slave of whatever you choose to obey?