??

Well, I don't think you shud be worried about it, since your husband is open about evrything to you. & About your sister, Talk to her, let her know, it's better to discuss those kinda issues with you not a man. Since you're older, with more experience & also her blood sis...That's all

tshegs19: Well, I don't think you shud be worried about it, since your husband is open about evrything to you. & About your sister, Talk to her, let her know, it's better to discuss those kinda issues with you not a man. Since you're older, with more experience & also her blood sis...That's all

My Dear woman, temptation knows no human being & besides it is only what he tells u that u know. There cld be more u neva can tel. Pls talk. 2 them both politely bt seperately. Its ur home u nid 2 protect it & pray also.

May God help u.

chaircover: op I dont quite see what the problem is. Your husband is doing what you should be doing as a big sis. She should be able to confide in you with her issues and feel safe in doing so free from judgment and raised eyebrows. She sounds like she needs guidance not condemnation.

From your post, I didnt quite understand what exactly is your fear. Are you fearful that hubby and sister may get too close and have an affair or are you worried that your husband may become disgusted at your sisters antics although I dont see anything wrong in what she is doing/done from what you have described.

Its sad that you feel this way towards your sisters relationship issues/life and it will be nice if you can actually reach out to her and be there for her as a big sis. She needs guidance. She needs a mentor and that mentor can/should be you. Give her a good foundation and you wont hear sob stories when she is married . . . .Also stop looking at her as your husbands friend but as a sister to your husband.

My problem is that i dont think an inlaw should be the one hearing all this sort of things. I may be wrong but i feel i could not tell personal relationship things to an inlaw. However when one looks at it, since they have always had this good relationship from time then you can excuse the fact she comes to him with tales. I personally am of a stronger temperament and have had issues but you can bet you wont hear them from inlaws even if i am close to them.
i am also worried that this attitude may continue even when she is married. The talk and complaining about what is going on in her home and telling inlaw will not end. I think at some point a woman has to learn to manage her issues and be mindful of who she talks to.
It seems people think i dont want to talk to her. I do talk with her and i am not judgmental at all. However if i am open enough and someone chooses not to talk with me perhaps because i dont have the spiritual muscle she seeks. What can i do about it Its not just me, she does not confide THAT DEEPLY with the other siblings.

chaircover: You have said many things and I fully understand some of the fears that you may have. Do you have senior brothers and if yes what is your sisters relatiobship with them?

Communication is a 2 way thing and she probably has a reason why she feels more comfortable speaking to your husband more than you and your siblings.

As for the things that she is discussing with an in-law ie your husband, so long as he is giving her good advise and guidance and she is taking to that advise ie its not a waste of time, then it can only be a good thing. its best that she has a mentor who is helping her to get straightened out now rather than when she gets married and its too late

No family is perfect and I am sure that there will be some embarrassing episodes in your husbands family too, so your sister wont be the first.

She sounds like she needs mentors and guidance. Pull her close to you and show/teach her how to behave/deal with her relationships.

Her sister needs to grow up though. What happens when she gets married. She goes crying to someone about every little issue? I think the brother in law is enabling her to be a whiner. It really should stop now before she even finds the one she'll marry. It would not be fair to her future husband that his sister in law and husband are privy to anything

I think I understand the fear of the op, she's afraid because this sister of hers do not have any shame and secret about what to say or not which is not a good sign of maturity, and also, that she may continue like that, even after marriage, which of course will not be fair to the man she'll eventually hook up with.


Though, she needs a mentor and a confidant, but "boroboro ko gbodo poju". She shouldn't turn herself to "a woman with diarrhea mouth"
I think such boroboro things should be more between her and her sister, than an inlaw.
The op is naturally shameful for all what her sister is spewing out to an inlaw, I think that lady should first of all confide in her sister, the op, and if the sister can't come out with a concrete advise, she can now find a better way to present the matter to her hubby for an advise, which will later be related to her.



My personal opinion, anyway.

May God help us all

Poster u have d right to be bothered.
Tell ur sis to ZIP UP her mouth.
Since she feels she can't talk to u or other siblings about some secret matters but ur hubby, she should look for another mentor and not ur husband.
She objects, tell her until she is married, she will understand.
And she better grow up too.She should learn how to close mouth b4 it will land her into trouble.must u tell ur mentor some stuff?
That ur hubby is also infested with leaking mouth too. I would have expected him to jejely extract or un tangle himself teetee. Is ur sis aware he tells u those stuffs? Is he not letting her down? How can he be telling u stuffs like that? Somebody's secret?
He no try at all.
The aim hv been defeated the day he told u the first secret so let everything kukuma end.
I don talk my own o.

*off topic*
,is this how u r resting?
If I get u ehn, I will sieze whatever u r using! U r hereby grounded!)

Before your husband came along,who does she cry to? There is a huge difference between mentoring(career bla bla) and sharing your relationship secrets,ups and downs with someone oh and I find it quite strange that your sister out of everyone in this world,picks on your husband to be that soul sister/agony aunt. Strange things are not necessarily wrong but they are strange.
Is your husband a pastor or counselor

For the meantime and to be safe,try to get close to your sister.Create an enabling environment then use style ask her about her relationship(s),dont be too hard on her or appear pushy,judgmental etc.

yellowpawpaw: Poster u have d right to be bothered.
Tell ur sis to ZIP UP her mouth.
Since she feels she can't talk to u or other siblings about some secret matters but ur hubby, she should look for another mentor and not ur husband.
She objects, tell her until she is married, she will understand.
And she better grow up too.She should learn how to close mouth b4 it will land her into trouble.must u tell ur mentor some stuff?
That ur hubby is also infested with leaking mouth too. I would have expected him to jejely extract or un tangle himself teetee. Is ur sis aware he tells u those stuffs? Is he not letting her down? How can he be telling u stuffs like that? Somebody's secret?
He no try at all.
The aim hv been defeated the day he told u the first secret so let everything kukuma end.
I don talk my own o.

*off topic*
,is this how u r resting?
If I get u ehn, I will sieze whatever u r using! U r hereby grounded!)

My dear sister, thank you very much jare.
Don't mind me, I woke up to pray in the midnight, and after I'm through, na so sleep refuse to come o, I tried reading books, sleep no come, na so I think say make I see werrin dey NL o. No be my fault. I'm sorry ma.

Op,

I would be ashamed if I were your husband not because of your sister's issues or closeness with me but the fact that you still see me as an inlaw. The two shall become one. I do not see my wife's people as inlaws anymore, they are now my people.

To the subject matter, my only concern is how and where does he give his numerous advices? If none of it happens in private and there is no hope of any of the counselling session to happen in private, then I think there is no need for you to become paranoid of what may be. Your husband already struck the right chord with her, hence reason why your sister is open to him and can tell him every damn thing.

To be realistic, no lady will reject a man with a listening ear and comforting words, that she found in your husband. What I will advice you tell your husband is to define the boundary and help her in one of his counselling sessions to be strong on her own. To teach her on how to handle issues without running to people. She should teach her to fish rather than giving her fish.

Your sister is not free with you and other siblings because you all never struck the right chord with her. You may have been opened to her but you never unlocked the key to her being free with you. Do not talk to your sister about her relationship with your husband, she may take it that you are negative about the whole issue. Discuss with your husband to help her in taking decisions of her own and to define the boundary of their closeness. He also needs to take heed of himself too.

Good advice we have here. God bless all of you.

Try and earn her trust. Let her know she can confide in you. Unless there's a reason she doesn't feel safe confiding in you.


^{Or alternatively,please wait for her to get married then use her hubby as your deepest confidant}.

Poster, there are both positives and negatives to take away. Are you all girls or the older siblings girls? Your sister may be speaking to your husband to get a guy's view on her relationship issues. She may just need to know and understand how men think and your husband may be the only guy she can trust. So no need to fear as your husband is now her older brother too.

Having said that I understand your worries. I only hope these counselling sessions are not done one on one but over the phone and don't take too much of your husband's time. I won't recommend too much one on one counselling and it should not be every other day.

My summary is that there is absolutely nothing wrong in your husband counselling your sister, he might be the only man she can trust and as you said earlier she had always looked up to him. But how and for how long these counselling goes on might be an issue. If na one on one and they meet up behind you, hmmm, but if it's over the phone and it's like once a month then no harm!

Are you just uncomfortable with your husband's closeness to your sister or you aren't happy at the fact that your own sister can't seem to see solace from you when needed.

It seems to me your husband is probably a non judgemental person who is always willing to listen and probably has a calming influence on your sister be it due to age gap and/or respect she has for him.

As long as your husband is not going behind your back to talk to her then stop worrying about it.

There are obvious ways that you can use to draw your sister closer to you such as:
Stop being judgemental if you've always been,
Try active listening,
Be open minded and always ready to share own intimate details with her. This should probably allow her feel relaxed and comfortable when talking to you.

Haba op cut some slack abegiii. Are you competing with your sister or what.shes your kid sis o and i expect that you or your husband should play the big sis or big bro role WHICH YOUR HUSBAND IS DOING.as long as he is open to you,you have nothing to fear and if its their closeness you are getting scared of,talk to your kid sis in the most nice way as possible so that she doesnt think you are trying to sideline her.she might start getting defensive and really gan sef,i dont see any problem.you are just getting unnecessarily scared over nothing.



Dont start creating unnecessary tension in your home.both you,your sister,your husband,your kids are one big happy family.get rid of your negative thoughts




but if you cant help it.tell your husband that you arent comfy about the whole issh and when next she wants to discuss with him.he should tell her to wait till her sister comes so that she can discuss whatever she wants to discuss in your presence and then you can make some inputs if need be.


One thing i admire about my cousins husband is that if you want to tell him something,he will say wait till my wife comes,if you say brother segun why dont you do it like this he will say wait till my wife comes or i have to see what she feels about it and honestly i am so happy for them

jay bee: Are you just uncomfortable with your husband's closeness to your sister or you aren't happy at the fact that your own sister can't seem to see solace from you when needed.

It seems to me your husband is probably a non judgemental person who is always willing to listen and probably has a calming influence on your sister be it due to age gap and/or respect she has for him.

As long as your husband is not going behind your back to talk to her then stop worrying about it.

There are obvious ways that you can use to draw your sister closer to you such as:
Stop being judgemental if you've always been,
Try active listening,
Be open minded and always ready to share own intimate details with her. This should probably allow her feel relaxed and comfortable when talking to you.

true.as a matter of fact,your younger sis should be your young buddy/ paddi while your husband,your personal person.

poppop: My husband has a good cordial relationship with my younger sister. Long before we got married, we all met at the University which myself and my younger sister attended. I am only trying to give some background information on the whole situation about how they met and became friends. I noted my sister sort of looks up to him as some sort of spiritual mentor and confides in him on spiritual growth and also relationship matters (coughs). After we got married, i became slightly weary of the whole shepherd sheep kind of relationship especially as i began hearing about the ins and out of her personal relationship struggles. I know my husband is not snooping around and all but i feel he is being very very naive as well. He is quite open with me on something's she tells him and personally i feel slightly ashamed. Some of these issues i dont even know myself but i wonder ''when does this madness stop''. While i feel he trusts me and can tell me somethings meaning he has nothing to hide, i will ideally not like to hear from my husband how ''my sister's fiancee is having cold feet or how the previous boyfriend fought with her or how another broke off the relationship for the most flimsy reason''. I am walking on a thin line here but i have conveyed my fear to my husband. What would i hear tomorrow? That she has issues with her husband? I mean how far would someone go in the future?
I dont think he really appreciates my concern as he thinks its nothing to worry about. He has promised to be more mindful of how i feel but i realize the issue is not from his end. It is the person feeding him with such sob stories. How do i go ahead to gently convey my feelings to my sister?
Does anyone think i am reading too much meaning to this and should let it slide.
Matured response please. Can this topic be left in house please.

I don't see why you should tolerate what you don't want in your home from your sister obviously there is a communication gap between you and her. You don't pretend to like what you don't want. Your sister's emotional health is not more important than yours. If you don't like it put a stop to it playing miss nice so your sister can be "free" with your husby does not make you a bigger person. Does she expect to tell your husby all those things and he wont tell you? because she and your husby swore an oath of secrecy? or your husby is a priest? or your husby is a counselor. Besides you don't need to tolerate your sister you simply need to talk to her.

andromida:

Does she expect to tell your husby all those things and he wont tell you? because she and your husby swore an oath of secrecy? or your husby is a priest? or your husby is a counselor. Besides you don't need to tolerate your sister you simply need to talk to her.

Thats what you are missing. The sister knows the husband will tell his wife. Anyone would know that. I just feel the sister just needs to get a guys perspective on her relationship drama. She is just trying to understand guys in a relationship and what different things a guy should or shouldnt do. She needs a guy she can trust and that is why she is speaking to her brother in law. I am sure the sister does not mind the husband telling the wife.... but she just feels another girl may not understand the issues she is having with her man.

Emotional connection between a guy and a gal is too thin.
complaining and whining to him now, small time na close comfort and then other things follow.
Your husband may be enjoying the whole thing and playing big brother small sister but you guys should watch out.
na small small the thing dey start.

Nashville:

Thats what you are missing. The sister knows the husband will tell his wife. Anyone would know that. I just feel the sister just needs to get a guys perspective on her relationship drama. She is just trying to understand guys in a relationship and what different things a guy should or shouldnt do. She needs a guy she can trust and that is why she is speaking to her brother in law. I am sure the sister does not mind the husband telling the wife.... but she just feels another girl may not understand the issues she is having with her man.

The thing is the wife is not comfortable with this arrangement. The sister may not know this and the longer the wife keeps on pretending with her husband and sister the more the resentment builds. i have discovered one of the no.1 killers of joy is concealing what you really feel about a matter. In this case if i were the sister i would simply call my sister and tell her i didn't know you were having all these challenges. i am so sorry I've not been paying attention and i would proceed to give her advise on the most recent issue with her man and encourage her to come to me whenever she wants to talk and periodically do follow up calls. Who knows from here we may become closer, there is no reason to discuss further with my husband. If my sister is a wise gal she will wake up.

This has actually happened between i and one of my elder sisters. I was in a tight spot and i just dialed her husby and asked for money and he said no problem he will send it ASAP 5 mins later my sis is on the phone and she says " i didn't know you needed money so bad, anyway my husby said you need NXX urgently he will send it later, i'll prefer you ask me next time and not make me look like the bad sister." End of talk it never happened again. It may be innocent but her sis does not like it.

@OP
Tell your sister to get a fcking life nonsense is your husband an agony aunt abi wetin?

Listen to armyofone Op,i won't be lending anyone mine as an agony uncle ,If she need a crying shoulder,let her cry unto God.Tell your sis to cut the crap abeg,"the heart of man is desperately wicked".

Surprised at most of the responses.

I'll ignore the mentor blah blah part and dig straight in. It is your home. As such, your family should respect what you are comfortable with and what you are not comfortable with. You are not comfortable with your sister sharing her problems with your husband, right? Tell her so! I personally can think of a million and one reasons the situation will make me uncomfortable. I am the one my sister ought to be close to. And if for some reason, she doesn't feel comfortable talking to me, well, I and my husband are one! So she cannot talk to my husband too. By the way, where and how do they communicate that you are excluded from it? And why should your sister have express visa to your husband without coming through you? Forget the attending the same university nonsense. You and him are now married and she should respect herself, if not you.

Last time I checked, go to your religious leader if you want advise...or your parents, or whoever suits you. But not my husband! Do not breed temptation. Best wishes.

yellowpawpaw: Poster u have d right to be bothered.
Tell ur sis to ZIP UP her mouth.
Since she feels she can't talk to u or other siblings about some secret matters but ur hubby, she should look for another mentor and not ur husband.
She objects, tell her until she is married, she will understand.
And she better grow up too.She should learn how to close mouth b4 it will land her into trouble.must u tell ur mentor some stuff?
That ur hubby is also infested with leaking mouth too. I would have expected him to jejely extract or un tangle himself teetee. Is ur sis aware he tells u those stuffs? Is he not letting her down? How can he be telling u stuffs like that? Somebody's secret?
He no try at all.
The aim hv been defeated the day he told u the first secret so let everything kukuma end.
I don talk my own o.

God bless you jare. Chair cover i thank you for your input too. She has no idea he tells me anything thats why i find it strange. Of course he will tell me because i am his wife and she is my sister at the end of the day.He still ends up telling me some little things she is going through out of concern for her well being. I know some of THESE THINGS naturally but i also know perhaps there are some deeper things he does not share.

I am watching the situation very closely. I want to have a heart to heart talk with her but i want to ensure it does not totally destroy the relationship between husband and my sister. You dont want to know you mentor gives information to you sister. You would never trust such a mentor again so i know i have to proceed with caution without giving her the idea i know anything she tells him.
thanking everyone for chipping in.I was not so paranoid after all.

andromida: This has actually happened between i and one of my elder sisters. I was in a tight spot and i just dialed her husby and asked for money and he said no problem he will send it ASAP 5 mins later my sis is on the phone and she says " i didn't know you needed money so bad, anyway my husby said you need NXX urgently he will send it later, i'll prefer you ask me next time and not make me look like the bad sister." End of talk it never happened again. It may be innocent but her sis does not like it.

Well spoken