On the eve of National Coming Out Day (this Friday), 22-year-old Derek Schell has become the first openly gay NCAA Division II basketball player. Earlier today,he published a moving essay about his coming out experience and the internal struggles he faced as a gay athlete at a conservative college on Outsports.com.
Throughout high school and his
first year at college, Schell writes that he struggled to
maintain a heterosexual facade for the sake of his
academic and athletic careers:
“My friends, my parents, my sister, my teachers —
everyone expected me to be an all-star, to help lead
the basketball team to a state championship and to
date a pretty girl,” he says. “I wanted people to
accept me and to embrace me, so I let those
expectations take control.”
As a result, Schell says he suffered many sleepless
nights, anxiety, and even depression. His passion for
basketball also began to diminish. ”Who I was
becoming contradicted who I thought I was supposed
to become,” he says.
His second year of college, he decided to take a stand
and make a change.
“The beginning of my sophomore year of college, the
only way I felt comfortably being myself was online,”
Schell says. “I met the person that I care for most in
this world, my boyfriend Kevin. We have been
together for two years. I began to realize that my life
was my own. There was no more time for living in the
hopes of pleasing others and living up to any one
person’s or any societal expectation.”
After finding the courage he needed through online
support systems and his boyfriend, the first people
Schell came out to were his immediate family. After
that, he came out to his close friends and classmates.
And this past month, he finally came out to his coach
and teammates.
“They all respected me and recognized that nothing
had changed and I was the same teammate and
friend that I was before,” Schell says. “Despite
attending a conservative college, I have been
accepted for who I am by those on my team and
others close to me.”
Today, Schell says his passion for basketball has
been restored and is at an “all-time high.”
“Sometimes the darkest times in life are only
doorways to the best moments of your life, the ones
you were meant to experience and live to see,” he
says.
He concludes his essay by writing:
“You can be who you are and still be an athlete. You
can do all the things you want to do and live a
beautiful life that you’ve imagined for yourself. Find
your peace of mind knowing you are giving your best
self to the world. Be brave. Be love. But most of all,
be you.”
Source
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Full Transcript of his Coming Out Article:
For the past 12 years, I have known at least four
things to be true: the blue Power Ranger was the
best Power Ranger; no one can coach basketball
better than Mike Krzyzewski; the Green Bay
Packers stand for everything that’s right in this
world; and I have always been different. I fully
accepted the greatness of the first three, but
tirelessly fought the last. For the longest time, I
didn’t exactly know what this different was. The
turning point in my journey was the day I realized
and accepted that this difference meant that I was
gay.
My name is Derek Schell, 22 years old from New
Berlin, Wisc., a suburb of Milwaukee. I am a 6-1
senior guard for Division II Hillsdale College in
south central Michigan. Since I can remember, the
fear of being different led me to act differently in
separate aspects of life. I found my escape in the
gym, losing myself in training for and learning the
sport I love. I excelled in the classroom, studying
and using my creativity to draw attention to my
scholastic identity rather than personal
characteristics.
Aside from that I was silent, keeping my emotions
-- and my trust -- to myself, analyzing why I did
not fit into my world the way I wanted to. From
middle school to high school, confusion about
where and how I belonged led to depression and
anxiety. I prayed I would see the light and all of it
would just disappear, but the sleepless nights and
undefined sadness had control.
I hid these feelings from everyone close to me and
"I’m fine" became my personal motto. As a star
athlete and a successful student, I held a high
social rank at a prestigious Catholic high school.
For most 17-year-olds, that is a dream come true.
For me, it was a nightmare. I became part of a
group of people from whom certain things were
expected, including being honor roll students and
varsity athletes. My friends, my parents, my
sister, my teachers -- everyone expected me to be
an all-star, to help lead the basketball team to a
state championship and to date a pretty girl. I
wanted people to accept me and to embrace me,
so I let those expectations take control. I hid who I
was so that I wouldn't let other people down. It
was much later that I realized that the problem
was not that I didn't fit into my world the way that
I wanted to. The problem was that my world didn't
fit who I was. It fit the guy I was trying to be, but it
didn't fit Derek.
To be honest, I got good grades. I won a state
championship. I dated pretty girls. And yet
something still wasn’t right. By that time, I
figured meeting those expectations would make
me feel more comfortable about who I was and
how I fit in. I was sure that my low self-esteem
and insecurities about myself would fade away. I
always identified primarily as an athlete. Both of
my parents were prominent Division II basketball
players in Pennsylvania and my sister was a three-
sport athlete who eventually played Division I
basketball. Growing up around sports and an
athletic family (including my extended family), I
had an appreciation of what it meant to live and
act like an athlete and I strived to live up to those
standards. At the same time, I developed an
emotional connection to more creative outlets like
music, art, and photography and recognized my
attraction to men. Those feelings conflicted with
my understanding of being an athlete and I
couldn’t figure out how to make those two
concepts coexist. Who I was becoming
contradicted who I thought I was supposed to
become.
I felt alone, isolated by my feelings, and I was sure
I was the only person who felt like this. At that
point, I had no trust in myself to open up to
anyone around me. At home and at school, most
people had never even met a gay person. I grew
up in an area of rich, white, straight people of the
middle- to upper-class. There were stigmas about
being gay and misconceptions about masculinity
that I refused to confront. It was the systematic
lifestyle and viewpoint of where I grew up. The
majority of the time, children, parents and their
parents’ parents adopted the same conservative
ideals about family and "morality" that were
socialized throughout generations. They believed
what they were told. Their religions aligned with
their conservative convictions of gay people.
Whether someone believed it was wrong, a sin, or
just abnormal, I heard every gay slur in the book,
directed at me and at others, just because it was,
and unfortunately still is, part of our society’s
language. For awhile, I truly did accept these
lessons. In middle school, when I realized that my
difference was my sexuality, these lessons
became the controversy clouding my whole
outlook on my future self. I thought that I couldn’t
be a Christian and also be gay. People would
assume I act feminine and I would be an outcast
in my social group and as an athlete. I constantly
felt like I was walking on eggshells, afraid to act a
certain way or say something that may give away
my truth. I pushed every worry and negative
thought aside and committed to play college
basketball, hoping, sometimes even praying, that
I would find some sort of remedy for these
thoughts I could not get rid of.
My day-to-day actions were consumed by this
increasing need to hide my sexuality. As it turned
out, not only could I still love the God that created
me in his image, but that he loved me back. Not
only was I not feminine, but I was a real man for
owning my life and whom I loved. Not only was I
not an outcast, but I would be more easily
accepted being my whole self rather than a
fragment of Derek. As a young freshman, I still did
not see those things that seem so obvious to me
now.
My original plan was to make a concerted effort to
date girls and conceptualize marrying a woman.
College was the time to think about starting to
settle down and start what I thought of as a
"normal" family. However, this overriding
dedication to change my innate personality and
desires caused a lot of internal struggle. I turned
my own uncertainty into being a good friend to
others, lending advice to my peers on how to live.
I never managed to get the point across to myself
to love myself and to be proud of who I was. I was
doing exactly what I told everyone else not to do:
let other people diminish my own happiness
because it was my choice to be happy. Even so,
the risk of losing my friends and family over being
gay kept my fake smile on for a year more.
The beginning of my sophomore year of college,
the only way I felt comfortably being myself was
online. I met the person that I care for most in this
world, my boyfriend Kevin. We have been together
for two years. I began to realize that my life was
my own. There was no more time for living in the
hopes of pleasing others and living up to any one
person’s or any societal expectation. I had to find
a balance between helping and caring for others
and making my happiness a priority. I came out as
gay to all my closest friends because I wanted to
see who was really a true friend to me. There was
nothing wrong with me. I didn’t want to be
someone else’s idea of normal. To me, normal is a
boring, stereotypical mold that encourages
conformity and trying to fit in. I just wanted to be
accepted.
Three years ago, I vowed to never tell my secret.
But since then, I have learned that I don’t have a
secret. I eventually told my family, the three
absolute rocks in my life. Although it was difficult
at first, the process of acceptance and maturation
in their understanding of my new-found
happiness has proved me right in thinking I have
the best support system that anyone could ask
for.
I began to feel more comfortable telling friends at
school and back home, and this past month I told
my teammates and coaches. Coming out to them
brought the same possibility of rejection as
coming out to my family. I didn’t want our bond to
change and the love I have for them as brothers
and father figures to ever be tarnished.
I decided talking to them individually was better
than giving a general speech at once, since I have
a distinct relationship with each of them. I went to
each of them and told them I treated them as
brothers, since I have none biologically, and that
this is just a part of me they finally deserved to
know. Some said they had a feeling and were
waiting for me to tell them. Some seemed
surprised but nonetheless gave me credit for
being open about it.
They all respected me and recognized that
nothing had changed and I was the same
teammate and friend that I was before. Despite
attending a conservative college, I have been
accepted for who I am by those on my team and
others close to me. Eventually, I was so tired of
living my life in fear. I was mentally exhausted.
Instead, I realized that I could be an athlete, be a
friend, be a son, be a brother, be an artist, and be
gay as well. I could even be a huge "Glee" fan too.
There never needed to be differentiation between
the various aspects of my life and personality. One
is not mutually exclusive of the other, and being
all of these things, all at once, makes me who I
am.
My excitement and passion for basketball is at an
all-time high. There was a time in college where
my fire died down. However, in maturing and
finding acceptance, the game has shown to me
why I fell in love with it way back when I was 4
years old. It is an antidote to all of life’s problems;
I can always find solace in an empty gym working
on my game. I’ve grown to understand that as
much as I put into the game, it gives me back so
much more. For 18 years, I have put in countless
hours with my dad and teammates and coaches;
but what it has given me is immeasurable. The
bonds I have created and lessons I have learned
will stay with me forever. I accomplished all of my
goals as a high school player but now I could not
be more ready to enjoy and succeed in my last
year competing in college. With all of my brothers
at my side and exciting challenges in the
upcoming season, my antidote is back.
In experiencing opposite ends of the spectrum in
homophobia and in unconditional love, I have
learned so many things from so many different
types of people and haven’t been limited to just
one way of thinking. It has been a blessing in
disguise. My sister’s favorite quote, "Life is too
short to be anything but happy," now resonates
more significantly in my life. Not only is life too
short to dwell on other people’s expectations for
you, but it is your decision to choose your attitude
and how you react to your surroundings.
For a while I always focused on what I didn’t have
and what I wasn’t, instead of loving myself for
every little thing that makes me Derek. I no
longer feel victimized, but rather lucky that God
made me exactly who I am with the opportunities
that I’ve experienced and those that lie ahead. I
learned that you can never give up and you need
to fight for yourself each and every day.
Sometimes the darkest times in life are only
doorways to the best moments of your life, the
ones you were meant to experience and live to
see. I wanted to do this so that the generations to
follow have an example; so that the younger LGBT
youth who live afraid of who they are becoming
can know they have nothing to fear and they are
perfect the way they are. My challenge to you,
whoever is reading this, is to be honest with
yourself and how you’re feeling. God doesn’t make
mistakes. Don’t keep saying you’re fine. You can
be who you are and still be an athlete. You can do
all the things you want to do and live a beautiful
life that you’ve imagined for yourself. Find your
peace of mind knowing you are giving your best
self to the world. Be brave. Be love. But most of
all, be you. Derek Schell is a senior at NCAA Division II
Hillsdale College, majoring in International
Business, and is a guard on the men's basketball
team. He can be reached via email
(derekschell3@gmail.com) and followed on
Twitter (@dschell4).
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