Just two years after our marriage, hubby
brought up the idea of asking Mother to
move from the rural hometown and spend
her remaining years with us. Hubby's father
passed away while he was still very young.
Mother endured much hardship and
struggled all on her own to provide for him,
see him through to a university degree. You
could say that she suffered a great deal and
did everything you could expect of a woman
to bring hubby to where he is today. I
immediately agreed and started packing the
spare room, which has a balcony facing the
South to let her enjoy the sunshine and plant
greenery. Hubby stood in the bright room,
and suddenly just picked me up and started
spinning round and round. As I begged him
to put me down, he said: "Lets go fetch
mother".
Hubby is tall and big sized and I love to test
on his chest and enjoy the feeling that he
could pick me up at any moment put the tiny
me into his pockets. Whenever we have an
argument and both refuses to back down, he
would pick me up and spin me over his head
continuously until I surrender and beg for
mercy. I became addicted to this kind of
panic-joy feeling.
Mother brought along her countryside habits
and lifestyle with her. For example; I am so
used to buying flowers to decorate the living
room, she could not stand it and would
comment: "I do not know how you young
people spend your money, why do you buy
flowers for? You also can't eat flowers!" I
smiled and said: "Mum, with flowers in the
house, our mood will also become better."
Mother continues to grumble away, and
hubby smiled: "Mum, this is a city-people’s
habit; slowly you will get use to it". Mother
stopped saying anything.
But every time thereafter, whenever came
home with flowers, she would ask me how
much it costs. I told her and she would shake
her head and express displeasure. Sometimes,
when I come home with lots of shopping
bags, she would ask each and every item how
much they cost, I would tell her honestly and
she would get even more upset about it..
Hubby playfully pinched my nose and said:
"You little fool, just don't tell her the full price
of everything would solve it." There begins
the friction to our otherwise happy lifestyle.
Mother hates it most when hubby wakes up
early to prepare the breakfast. In your view,
how could the man of the house cook for the
wife? At the breakfast table, mother facial
expression is always like the dark clouds
before a thunderstorm and I would pretend
not to notice. She would use her chopsticks
and make a lot of noise with it as her silent
protest. As I am a dance teacher in the
Children's Palace and am exhausted from
along day of dancing around, I do not wish to
give up the luxury of that additional few
minutes in the comfort of my bed and hence I
turned a deaf ear to all the
protest mother makes.
From time to time, mother would help out
with some housework, but soon her help
created additional work for me. For example:
she would keep all kinds of plastic bags
accumulating them so that she sell them later
on, and resulted in our house being filled
with all the trash bags; she would scrimp on
dish washing detergent when helping to
wash the dishes and so as not to hurt her
feelings, I would quietly wash them again.
One day, late at night, mother saw me quietly
washing the dishes, and "Bam" she slams her
bedroom door and cried very loudly in her
room. Hubby was placed in a difficult position,
and after that, he did not speak to me for that
entire night. I pretended to be a spoilt child,
tried acting cute, but he totally ignored me.... I
got mad and asked him: "What did I do
wrong?" Hubby stared at me and said: "Can't
you just give in to her once? We couldn't
possibly die eating from a bowl however
unclean it is, right?" After that incident, for a
long period of time, mother did not speak to
me and you can feel that there is a very
awkward feeling hanging in the house.
During that period of cold war, hubby was
caught in dilemma as to who to please. In
order to stop her son from having to prepare
breakfast, mother took on the "all important"
task of preparing breakfast without any
prompting. At the breakfast table, mother
would look at hubby happily eating his
breakfast and cast that reprimanding stare at
me for having failed to perform my duty as a
wife. To avoid the embarrassing breakfast
situation, I resorted to buying my own
breakfast on my way to work. That night,
while in bed, hubby was a little upset and
asked me: "LD, is it because you think that
mum's cooking is not clean that's why you
chose not to eat at home?" He then turned his
back on me and left me alone in tears as
feeling of unfairness overwhelmed me.. After
some time, hubby sighed: "LD, just for me, can
you have breakfast at home?" I am left with
no choice but to return to the breakfast table.
The next morning, I was having porridge
prepared by mother and I felt a sudden churn
in my stomach and everything inside seem to
be rushing up my throat. I tried to suppress
the urge to throw up but I could not. I threw
down the bowl, rushed into the washroom,
and vomited everything out. Just as I was
catching my breath, I saw mother crying and
grumbling very loudly in her dialect, hubby
was standing at the washroom doorway
staring at me with fire burning in his eyes... I
opened my mouth but no words came out of
it, I really did not mean it.
We had our very first big fight that day;
mother took a look at us, then stood up and
slowly made her way out of the house. Hubby
gave me a final stare in the eye and followed
mother down the stairs. For three days,
hubby did not return home, not even a phone
call. I was so furious, since mother arrived; I
had been trying my best and putting up with
her, what else do you want me to do? For no
reason, I keep having the feeling to throw up
and I simply have not appetite for food,
coupled with all the events happening at
home, I was at then low point in my life.
Finally, a colleague said: "LD, you look terrible;
you should go and see a doctor." The doctor
confirmed that I am pregnant.
Now it became clear to me why I threw up
that fateful morning, a sense of sadness
floated through that otherwise happy news.
Why didn't hubby, and mother who had been
through this before, thought of the possibility
of this being the reason that day? At the
hospital entrance, I saw my hubby standing
there. It had only been three days, but he
looked haggard. I had wanted
To turn and leave, but one look at him and my
heart soften, I couldn't resist and called out to
him. He followed my voice and finally found
me but he pretended that he doesn't know
me; he has that disgusted look in his eyes
that cut right through my heart. I told myself
not to look at him anymore, and hail a cab. At
that moment, I have such a strong urge inside
me to shout to my hubby: "Darling, I am
having your baby!" and have him lift me up
and spin me around in circles of joy. What I
wanted didn't happen and as I sat in the cab,
my tears started rolling down. Why? Why our
love couldn't even withstand the test of one
fight?
Back home, I lay on the bed thinking about
my hubby, and the disgusted look in his eyes.
I cried and wet the corner of the blanket. That
night, sound of the drawers opening woke
me up. I switched on the lights and I saw
hubby with tears rolling down his face. He
was removing the money. I stared at him in
silence; he ignored me, took the bank deposit
book and some money and
left the house. Maybe he really intends to leave
me for good. What a rational man, so clear-cut
in love and money matters. I gave a few dried
laugh and tears starting streaming down
again.
The next day, I did not go to work.. I wanted
to clear this out and have a good talk with
hubby. I reached his office and his secretary
gave me a weird look and said: "Mr. Tan's
mother had a traffic accident and is now in
the hospital." I stood there in shock. I rushed
to the hospital and by the time I found hubby,
mother had already passed away. Hubby did
not look at me,
His face was expressionless. I looked at
mother's pale white and thin face and I
couldn't control the tears in my eyes. My god,
how could this happen?
Throughout the funeral, hubby did not say a
single word to me, with only the occasional
disgusted stare at me. I only managed to find
out brief facts about the accident from other
people. That day, after mother left the house,
she walked in dazed toward the bus stop,
apparently intending to go back to her old
house back in the countryside. As hubby ran
after her, she tried to walk faster and as she
tried to cross the street, a public bus came
and hit her... I finally understood how much
hubby must hate me, if I had not thrown up
that morning, if we had not quarreled, if.... In
his heart, I am indirectly the killer of his
mother.
Hubby moved into mother's room and came
home every night with a strong liquor smell
on him. And me, I am buried under the guilt
and self-pity and could hardly breathe. I
wanted to explain to him, tell him that we are
going to have our baby soon, but each time, I
saw the dead look in his eyes, all the words I
have at the brink of my mouth just fell back in.
I had rather he hit me real hard or give me a
big and thorough scolding though none of
these events happening had been my fault at
all.
Many days of suffocating silence went by and
as the days went by, hubby came home later
and later. The deadlock between us
continues, we were living together like
strangers who don't know each other. I am
like the dead knot in his heart. One day, I
passed by a western restaurant, looking into
the glass window, I saw hubby and a girl
sitting facing each other and he very lightly
brushed her hair for her, I understood what it
meant. After recovering from that moment of
shock, I entered the restaurant, stood in front
of my hubby and stared hard at him, not a
tear in my eyes. I have nothing to say to him,
and there is no need to say anything. The girl
looked at me, looks at hubby, stands up and
wanted to go, hubby stretched out his hand
and stopped her. He stared back at me,
challenging me.. I can only hear my slow heart
beat, beating, one by one as if at the brink of
death. I eventually backed down, if I had
stood that any longer, I will collapse
together with the baby inside me. That night,
he did not come home; he had chosen to use
that as a way to indicate to me: Following
mother's death so did our love for each other.
He did not come home anymore after that.
Sometimes, when I returned home from
work, I can tell that the cupboard had been
touched - he had returned to take some of his
stuff.. I no longer wish to call him; the initial
desire to explain everything to him vanished. I
lived alone; I go for my medical checkups
alone, my heart breaks again and again every
time I see a guy
carefully helping his wife through the physical
examination. My office colleagues hinted to
me to consider aborting the baby, I told them
No, I will not.. I insisted on having to this
baby, perhaps it is my way of repaying
mother for causing her death.
One day, I came home and I saw hubby
sitting in the living room. The whole house
was filled with cigarette smoke. On the coffee
table, there was this piece of paper. I know
what it is all about without even looking at it.
In the two months plus of living alone, I have
gradually learned to find peace within myself.
I looked at him, removed my hat and said:
"You wait a while, I will sign." He looked at
me, mixed feelings in his eyes, just like mine.
As I hang up my coat, I keep repeating to
myself "You cannot cry, you cannot cry..." my
eyes hurt terribly, but I refused to let tears
come out from there. After I hung up my coat,
hubby's eyes stared fixed at my bulging
tummy. I smiled, walked over to the coffee
table and pulled the paper towards me.
Without even looking at what it says, I signed
my name on it and pushed the paper to him.
"LD, are you pregnant?" Since mother's
accident, this is the first time he spoke to me.
I could not control my tears any
further and they fell like raindrops. I said:
"Yes, but its ok, you can
leave now." He did not go, in the dark, we sat,
facing each other. Hubby slowly moved over
me, his tears wet the blanket. In my heart,
everything seems so far away, so far that
even if I sprint, I could never reach them. I
cannot remember how many times he
repeated "sorry" to me. I had originally
thought that I would forgive him, but now I
can't. In the western restaurant, in front of
that girl, that cold look in his eyes, I will never
forget, ever. We have drawn such deep scars
in each other's heart. For me, it's
unintentional; for him, totally intentional. I
had been waiting for this moment of
reconciliation, but I realized now, what had
gone past is gone forever and could not
repeated.
Other than the thought of the baby inside me
that would bring some warmth to my heart, I
am totally cold towards him, I no longer eat
anything he buys for me, I don't take any
presents from him and I stopped talking to
him. From the moment I signed on that piece
of paper, marriage and love had vanished
from my heart. Sometimes, hubby will try to
come into the bedroom,
but when he walks in, I will walk out to the
living room. He had no choice but to sleep in
mother's room. At night, from his room, I can
hear light sounds of groaning, I kept quiet...
This used to be his trick; last time, whenever I
ignore him, he would fake illness and I will
surrender and find out what is wrong with
him, he would then grab me and laugh. He
has forgotten that last time I cared for him
and am concerned because there was love,
but now, what is there between us? Hubby's
groaning came on and off
continuing but I continuously ignored him.
Almost everyday, he would buy something for
the baby, infant products, children products
and books that kids like to read. Bags and
bags of it stacked inside his room till it is full. I
know he is trying to use this to reach out to
me, but I am no longer moved by his actions.
He has no choice but to lock himself in his
room and I can hear his typing away on his
computer keyboard, maybe he is now
addicted to web surfing but none of that
matters to me anymore.
It was sometime towards the end of spring in
the following year, one late night, I screamed
because of a sudden stomach pain, hubby
came rushing into the room, its like he did
not change and sleep, and had been waiting
for this moment. He carried me and ran down
the stairs, stopped a car, holding my hand
very tightly and kept wiping the sweat off my
brow, throughout the
journey to the hospital. Once we reached the
hospital, he carried me and hurried into the
delivery suite. Lying on the back of his skinny
but warmth body, a thought crossed my
mind: In my lifetime, who else would love me
as much as he did? He held the delivery suite
door opened and watch me go in; his warm
eyes caused me to manage a smile at him
despite my contraction
pain. Coming out of the delivery room, hubby
looked at our son and me, eyes tear with joy
and he kept smiling. I reached out and
touched his hand. Hubby looked at me,
smiling and then he slowly collapsed onto the
floor. I cried out for him in pain... He smiled,
but without opening that tired eyes of his.... I
had thought that I would never shed any tear
for him, but the truth is, I have never felt a
deeper pain cutting through my body at that
moment. Doctor said that by the time hubby
discovered he had liver cancer, it was already
in terminal stage and it was a miracle that he
managed to last this long. I asked the doctor
when he first discovered he had cancer.
Doctor said about 5 months ago and
consoled me saying: "Prepare for his funeral."
I disregarded the nurse's objection and
rushed home, I went into his room and
checked his computer, and a suffocating pain
hits me. Hubby's cancer was discovered 5
months ago, his groaning was real, and I had
thought that... the computer showed over
200 thousand words he wrote for our son:
"Son, just for you, I have persisted, to be able
to take a look at you before I fall, is my
biggest wish now.... I know that in your life,
you will have many happiness and maybe
some setbacks, if only I can accompany you
throughout that journey, how nice would it
be. But daddy now no longer has that chance.
Daddy has written inside here all the possible
difficulties and problems you may encounter
during your lifetime, when you meet with
these problems, you can refer to daddy's
suggestion ... Son, after writing these 200
thousand words, I feel as if I have
accompanied you through life journey. To be
honest, daddy is very happy. Do love your
mother, she has suffered, she is the one who
loves you most and also the one who loves
me most...." From play school to primary
school, to secondary, university, to work and
even in dealing with questions of love,
everything big and small was written there.
Hubby has also written a letter for me: "My
dear, to marry you is my biggest happiness,
forgive me for the pain I have caused you,
forgive me for not telling you my illness,
because I want to see you be in a joyful mood
waiting for the arrival of our baby.... My dear,
if you cried, it means that you have forgiven
me and I would smile, thank you for loving
me... These presents, I'm afraid I cannot give
them to our son personally, could you help me
to give some of them to him every year, the
dates on what to give when are all written on
the packaging... "
Going back to the hospital, hubby is still in
coma. I brought our son over and place him
beside him. I said: "Open your eyes and smile,
I want our son to remember being in the
warmth of your arms..." He struggled to open
his eyes and managed a weak smile. Our son
still in his arms was happily waving his tiny
hands in the air. I press the button on the
camera and the sound of
the shutter rang through the air as tears
slowly rolled down my face.... A fatal
misunderstandin g and the person who loves
me the most in this world is gone forever...."
Cruel misunderstandin gs one after another
disrupted the blissful footsteps to our family.
Our originals intend of having Mother enjoy
some quiet and peaceful moments in her
remaining years with us went terribly wrong
as destiny's secret is finally revealed at a price,
everything became too late."...... ...
This is a true story.
LEARNING POINT - DO NOT EVER HOLD ON TO
OFFENCES!!!
I am totally speechless, this story brought
tears to my eyes as I read through each line
eager to know what would happen next. It
truly showed the devastating power of
grudges and anger! Simple humility and
communication would have resolved most of
the problems in that story, as well as
patience..... This story has really touched my
heart and life as a whole and it has stimulated
a paradigm shift. Though it is very sad, it is
also very refreshi
ng to know that from today, I can consciously
start to live a life free of grudge..
People please let's live a life devoid of grudge.
Communication is the key.
Take greatest care and live on.
"Protocols Are Broken When God Is Involved"

Wow! The lengthiest post in NL. Hope no one quotes this.

albacete: Wow! The lengthiest post in NL. Hope no one quotes this.

I bet no one is gonna read this, not even you. Too long

akraym: I bet no one is gonna read this, not even you. Too long

i made a mistake and read it.

A bit of stuff to learn but d OP spoilt it with the long epistle. Should have summarised it/broken it into several posts.