Dear Goodluck Jonathan
on december 31, 2013 at 1:00 am in femi
aribisala
I have decided to write you this 18-page
letter BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE. If I don’t
write it now, people may start considering
you as a good president; forgetting that I
am the only good president Nigeria has
ever had. There is no one like me. As far
as Nigeria is concerned, I am the Baba of
the Babas. I am the president of the
presidents. Before me, Nigeria had no
president. After me, there will be no other
president.
I have had occasion in the past to warn
you, especially when I nominated you as
vice-president to Yar’Adua and then
campaigned for you to be president, that
under no circumstances should you
outshine me. I did not put you there to do
the things I could not do. Neither did I put
you there to succeed where I failed. I put
you there because my fourth-term agenda
failed. Therefore, I needed someone to be
a figure-head, while I continue to rule from
behind the scene.
But since you became president, you have
not been following my orders. I have
warned you again and again to desist from
this abuse of the authority I gave you. But
you have refused to listen. So you now
think you are actually the President of the
Federal Republic of Nigeria. I still de
laugh! You are not the president. I am the
president. If you continue to disobey me,
and to promulgate policies that put me in a
bad light when compared to you, I will see
to it that you don’t even complete your
first-term, how much more have a second-
term.
I am already in discussions with the APC to
see if we can have you impeached. Did you
not read in the papers that APC leaders
came to my house the other day? When
they were here, we all ate pounded yam
with egusi soup. Even Buhari had a second
helping and asked for the recipe. You
better read the writing on the wall. I notice
you have quickly returned the missing 49
billion dollars after I brought the matter to
the notice of fellow Nigerians; but that
won’t help you. I will have you know that
we are already training 1000 snipers who
will puncture all the tyres of your
supporters. Therefore, if you know what is
good for you, you better start acting as the
puppet president I put you there to be.
How dare you, Goodluck? How dare you
build almajiri schools in the North? Why
didn’t you suggest that to me while I was in
office? How dare you address the NEPA
problem when I could not? What exactly
are you trying to prove? You think you are
better than me? Don’t you know that you
would have remained a striking university
lecturer if it had not been for me? How
dare you appoint a competent man to be
Minister of Agriculture? Now the man is
going around getting awards for his
policies. Which policies? I am the one who
revolutionized the agric sector in Nigeria.
When I became president, I had only one
farm. By the time I left office, I had over
six farms in different parts of the country.
Is that not progress? How many farms do
you have?
You can never be better than me. The
corruption in my government was far more
than yours. You have nothing to compare
with my infamous Siemens and Haliburton
scandals. You don’t even have the
gumption to buy a Toyota Land Cruiser for
your mistress. Chinua Achebe said, “One of
the truest test of integrity is its blunt refusal
to be compromised.” You will soon find
that this statement cannot be applied to
me. I am above it.
How dare you release AlMustapha from
prison after 14 years when you know I want
him to stay there for the rest of his natural
life? I give you my word; you are going to
regret that decision. How dare you
convene a national conference when I
specifically refused to do so? Are you
trying to make me look bad? Did you even
get my approval before agreeing to it? You
are a very disrespectful man. Do you think
that you, a minority nonentity from the
South-South, could have risen to be
President of the country had it not been
for me? Have you forgotten so soon, the
extent I went in order to ensure that you
are where you are today? There was only
bad luck in Nigeria until I, in my infinite
wisdom, bequeathed good luck on the
country.
You ungrateful man! If you don’t stop all
these irritating policies, I will declare a
national state of emergency. Nonsense!
You are supposed to obey your elders.
Henceforth, Goodluck Jonathan, you must
obey me. Otherwise, I will show you
pepper. I will pour sand into your gari. I
will put tea in your coffee. You can no
longer be trusted; that is why you will only
get a second-term over my dead body. I
need to get someone in Aso Rock who will
do what I say. I already have your
replacement in mind. I don’t intend to
make the same mistake three times. I will
take him to a shrine under Olumo Rock to
swear an iron-clad oath to do whatever I
say. Any flagrant disregard of my authority,
and he will not be able to speak English
and Hausa again.
People close to you, if not you yourself,
have been asking: “What does Baba want?”
What a stupid question. I want to be
president of Nigeria again! I want to be
president! Half a dozen African presidents
have spoken to me and assured me that I
am the only president they recognize in
Nigeria. Half a dozen of them said their
only wish for Nigeria is that I should return
to Aso Rock. Of course, yes. Mugabe is still
there. Why not me? It is not my will but
providence has determined that the
presidency is my birthright. I fought for
this country. Single-handed, I kept Nigeria
together during the civil-war. You cannot
sideline me. I put you there: I can remove
you. I made you: I can unmake you. You
are not the Messiah of Nigeria. I am the
Messiah. Don’t you forget it! I want
nothing personally from you but that you
obey me at all times.
When I changed the constitution of our
great party, I made sure I would continue
to control things by inserting a clause which
guaranteed that I am the only one qualified
to be the Chairman of the Board of
Trustees. But as chairman, I was not given
the recognition I deserve as the father of
the party. Therefore, I tendered my
resignation. Imagine my surprise when you
had the audacity to accept it. You are such
an impudent man. If you knew your place,
you would have recognized that my
resignation was just a protest. You were
supposed to send the elders of the party to
beg me to stay on; a plea I would have
graciously accepted. But like the ungrateful
son that you are, you accepted my
resignation. And now, you have Tony
Anenih occupying a post that rightfully
belongs to me.
Your unlimited ambition became clear to
me when the National Chairman of the
party said he never does anything without
your approval. So you now see yourself as
the Leader of the party. Never! See where
it has got you now. A number of governors
have resigned from the party and taken
APC. If you don’t behave, another set will
resign and take aspirin. The PDP has lost
its majority in the House. There is talk of
impeachment; and you are no longer
sleeping at night. It serves you right. I fully
intend to teach you a lesson you will never
forget. By the time I have finished with
you, you will run out of the country and
seek political asylum in Equatorial Guinea.
It is not surprising that you have not been
able to eradicate the scourge of Boko
Haram from Nigeria. You don’t have
military experience like I have. Under my
watch, Bola Ige, Marshal Harry and others
were surgically removed from the scene.
Similarly, I would have finished Boko
Haram within three months. I understand
the violence. I am fully cognizant of the
root, stem and branches of the underlying
causes. But I will not share any of this with
you as long as you refuse to make an
unequivocal statement that you will not
pursue a second-term.
Unlike you, as president of our great
country, I was dynamic and resourceful. I
exterminated trouble-makers from Odi and
Zaki Biam. I spent $16 billion dollars
restoring NEPA to its enviable heights. I
committed 300 billion naira rebuilding all
the federal highways in the East alone. I
restored the country’s refineries. I raised
the price of petrol several times. I rigged
the most amazing election in the history of
the country. I conducted the first widely-
accepted national census. I could go on
and on but my secretary has to go home.
In short, I was the great president you can
never be. So if you think a neophyte like
you can compete with me; think again!
Stop taking me for granted. You don’t
want to be in my bad books. I don’t
forgive my enemies. You will regret this for
the rest of your life. I will show you how
much of a nuisance I can be. I will
embarrass you everywhere. I will tell as
many lies about you as I can. I will write
public letters to you every week. I will copy
the next one to the Secretary-General of the
United Nations.
Never you forget: I dey kampe!
Accept, ungrateful Mr. President, the
assurances of my highest disapproval.
Baba the Baba.
P.S. I shall be sharing the contents of this
letter with all the newspaper houses in
Nigeria and Ghana. I will also be copying
my very good friend Governor Diepreye
Alamieyeseigha.
By Femi A..

www.vanguardngr.com

LWKMD. Real funny. Mod! Joke section pls.

When trouble sleep yanga go wake am!
Wetin him dey find ooo. Palavar he dey find!

Wether you are an OBJ fan or GEJ umblella you cam sing the song.

As for me I siddon dey look!!! It is my business ?

Am waiting for oga Jona and Iyabo letters.