FIVE NIGERIANS YOU DONT WANNA MEET!

1. The Talkative:
Yes, talking is an essential aspect of living but there are some people who take theirs to a whole new different level. This Group of people were born to do one thing and just one thing--- To talk!! talk!! talk!! and as if their talking isn't bad enough, not knowing when to stop is another. Personally,i believe they know when to stop but derive immense pleasure in torturing their victim(s).

You are sitting and Fly flies past you. They look at you and smile innocently. Do not smile,I repeat "DO NOT SMILE BACK", its a trap. The smile is a bait to lure un-suspecting prey right into their trap. Well, if you happen to be unlucky and smile back,just know this----- you just created the genesis of what you'll later live to regret. Doubt me? Well, wait and see!

They go like "Bros,you see that fly,that fly wey just fly pass?". They so enjoy talking that they cant afford to allow you answer with a simple YES OR NO. They continue "E con remind me of the first time wey i fly for plane,kai! I no go ever forget that day. Na Tuface music i even jam for plane for that day sef-I wanna be free,free like a bird. But Pilots dey try sha cos E no easy to fly this kain big thing for sky ooo".

Woe unto you if you smile or answer with an innocent "Na true you talk". They take that as "Green light" to continue.

"You dey smile like my cousin Jack. You and Jack get the same smile I swear. Jack Papa and My Mama na Brother and Sister. Na our Grand mama all dem jack resemble,they get the same nose,teeth,mouth and dem even take bow leg still resemble her sef. She don die sha,na old age kill her. As people dey cry for her burial,i no even bother my sef cry cos the woman sef don too try. Make she go rest abeg".

And no he doesnt just stop there,He continues.

"People say i Funny but i swear you never meet my step-brother,Osaro. Osaro funny die. I swear to God", licking his fingers and pointing to the heavens.
"Osaro fit use laugh burst this pimples",the talkative guy points to a pimple on your fore-head. Just when you begin to get un--comfortable,he continues. "Even that pimple wey never ripe" pointing at another on your cheek " i swear Osaro go use burst am" : And he waves his hand with so much force that he bursts the pimple and it starts bleeding in no time.

Just then,you realize what a common "smile" has gotten you into, and decide to escape via your Headset. You plug it into both ears, not realising you're doing yourself more damage.

"Guy i like this your ear piece ooooo".

If you make yet another mistake and answer with a polite "Thank you",you are OYO(0n your own)

Talkative: Na follow come abi you buy am?
You: Na follow come
Talkative: You come make me remember my last earpiece wey i buy for N250 just outside Shoprite for Lagos from One Aboki wey wear blue slippers and short Nicker with Singlet and black eyeglass just last week Thursday,in the evening. I like that ear piece die cos E dey beat well well but na my Elder siter,Martha, pikin wey she born just last two years for Abuja Teaching Hospital on Easter sunday use im Devil teeth take cut am yesterday when i say make i just comot go visit my Friend,philp,wey just come from Canada to attend im papa Burial wey die for Accident last month when He dey drive back from Village inside im toyota camry wey get AC and two exhaust pipes.

Just then, and an Idea of not answering him or even moving parts of your body like hands,shoulder,head e..t..c pops your now tired brain-------just remember----- The last thing you'll wanna do is remind him of the-- Statue Of Liberty, Else you are on your own.

2. Spiritual Police:
This group have something in common with The Talkatives,you dont wanna meet them especially when you dont have time for nonsense. This group have no other job than to sit down and carefully observe thier surrounding and events unfolding like scientists,scrutinize words coming out of people's mouth just for the sole aim of proving that they serve God better and wouldnt hesistate to shoot down any traitor with their spiritual arrow whose's bow is of course, the Holy Bible. Afterall, they have been given the authority to trample upon snakes and scorpions, one sheep who has been led astray by the world shouldnt be that much to bring down.

You offer them chicken on Sunday and the next thing you hear is "Is this chicken a Virgin? I dont want to eat any Immoral thing cos even the bible clearly states "Flee from sin".

They enter the compound after Sunday service and see you eating Bread. They walk up to you.

"Brother Festus,have you read Gods words,the bible, today?

You honestly answer "No" cos even though you are not too religious and rarely attend church,you dont wanna lie on Sunday.

The Holy ghost police fires back.

"And you are eating bread". Just when you are about asking him to be more clear,he sets you free from the cob-webs of confusion you now find yourself entangled in, by explaining further.

"Even Jesus,Our Savior himself said-- Man shall not live by bread alone but by every word that cometh out of the mouth of thy father".

Dont see it as a failed attempt at a joke if this same group tell you that "Using an Android phone is a sin". Their defense mechanism is always "E dey bible?" Or better still,the popular catchy phrase "Does it Glorify God?"

I agree that the above is an exaggeration on my part but anybody who has/who will in the near future meet one of those self righteous Nigerians(i dont wish you that ) who have put it upon themselves to be the Police for christ, here on earth, who are more righteous than everybody else will agree with me that this group are as annoying as having your crotch itch in a public bus but you cant scratch cos this beautiful damsel is sitting right besides you.

The fact that this group also have issues just like the talkatives doesnt in any way mean i'll rather take chances with the "Jehovah Witness Crew" esp when I'm busy.

3.. The Kpakobutter:
Kpakobutter is what you get when a mature "Ajekpako"---- "mature" in the sense that this person knows what being an ajekpako means---- as in, if you were looking for someone to write you a handbook on " pros and cons" of being a "kpako pikin" he/she will your right candiddate. As i was saying, Kpakobutter is what you get when a highly concentrated Ajekpako tries to fool the world that she is an "Ajebutter". This group go about deluding themselves and anyone idle enough to listen about how rich they or their parents are.

They belong to the "Society De liars" of the society.

If you think your boyfriend Mark,who always gets robbed at gun point on his way home from the atm machine,anytime you ask him for money is a liar,then sweety you havent met a Kpakpbutter.

You think your Girlfriend,Caro,who is always afraid of sex when you ask for it all cos she always gets molested the previous day is a Liar,then Bros,you havent met a kpakpbutter.

You think Luiz Suarez who claimed the bite mark on Chellini's shoulder was as a result of chellini running into his teeth is liar , then you havent met a kpakpbutter

This Group are so good in lying and deceiving people that if care is not taken,just like a Mad man,you'll begin to question what "reality" really is. They can convince you that you dont exist and you'll believe. Pls dont ask me why!

You hear lies like "My father was invited by President Obama for dinner at the white house But declined cos my little sis was Matriculating the next day at Havard". Lies! Lies! Lies! The closest thier family comes to white,is the cooking salt in thier kitchen.

They borrow clothes from people and claim to buy it for thousands of naira, when the only thing that can be measured in thousands in their life is the number of lies they drop per sec.

Very very lazy set of people, and trust me,you dont wanna meet them. I call them lazy cos they fail to realize that some of the rich people they see today were once poor,accepted that fact and worked towards making things better. Why spend valuable time and energy pretending what you're not when you can get your head outta your asss and work towards making it in life and being addressed like the rich person you so carve for?

I pity anybody who has a kpakobutter either as a Girlfriend,boyfriend or even as a Gateman.

As I am talking to you right now,some of them already have the Samsung Galaxy 7 whose body design hasnt even been completed by Samsung. How they got it,I have no idea!

Well, maybe na connection.

4.. OLD SOJA:
If there's anybody you dont wanna meet,especially on a day when you're just not in the mood for formalities or forming good boy,then it difintely has to be "Old soja". Old Soja is code name for retired police men,retired army men e..t..c . As a matter of fact,you belong to the old soja category if after retiring,you still find yourself going to the pension office daily even though you dont work there. You belong to this category if you've visited the pension office to the extent that when you stand at the bus top and the bus driver picks you up,he doesnt ask where you'll drop cos he already knows your destination.

Since the Pension Board have refused paying them,this group keep themselves busy by channeling thier energy to thier immediate environment. How?
They wake very early,lets say "6;30am" in Singlet and Wrapper Or Singlet and Boxers for the advanced ones OR Singlet,wrapper and medicated glass for the one's who cant see far cos sight is a very important weapon in the operation they're about to embarking on.

Thier Job is to sit-down on some old chair probably given to them by their great grandfather and watch carefully at people passing by. Looking to see if any of the passers within any range their medicated glass can tolerate dare posses any quality or beahviour their(old soja's) way of life frowns upon.

A young man in his early twenties passes by owith an Afro hair-cut and all hell lets loose.

"Ebuwavhrien" Old Soja calls out. And again, one thing about them is -- they dont call you by your name,but by your fathers name. They like being in-charge. Calling you by your fathers name gives them that.

"What are you carrying on your head"? You are tempted to answer "Bench" but keep mute so as not to give old soja an excuse to use the gun he hasnt had a chance to use since he retired, on you.

Interrogation continues: "Ebuwavhrien"?
You answer with -- "Sir".
"So you have joined those way ward boys abi? I used(now past tense) to see you as a responsible well brought up kid but i am very dissapointed in you. You now lack home training.

He continues, "I will talk to your father, Sergent Festus". Note:His use of "Sergent" there is an attempt to voice out his dis-pleasure by reminding you of your father's rank just to get back at you.

"Now dismiss". He finally lets you go.

You turn back to Go as ordered and he stop you in your tracks "Halt".

He continues and goes on and on on how a good and responsible child should always make sure his jean is several inches above his belly button with the belt strapped firmly to the four wall of the stomach. He advises you on why you should cut all the hair on your head and leave it looking like his now bald head even though you are just a little above 21.

Just know this,you can get away with enough insults when caught on skimpy and revealing clothing as a lady when old soja is present But I highly doubt if anyone in the history of mankind has ever gotten away with not greeting Old soja. Pls no matter how much you know about your right as a citizen of this country, just swallow your pride and greet "Old soja".

Its up to you to greet old soja or listen to him tell you how your father picked his nose as kid. How he always bent his rings-worm infested head to greet him(old soja) those days.

And Oh! I forgot. Pls it'll be better not to greet him atall than to do it without adding "SIR" .

Last but not the least...

5.. GHOSTS FROM YOUR PAST!!
Everybody has a Past,Present and Future but some pasts are !Oh well!.

So its Saturday and you go hanging out with your female friends. You are having this smooth,interesting conversation with your friends and just from no where,you hear it.

You hear that name that people called you back then,that name that only those who were tired of life and wanted to leave dared to call you. That embarrassing name.

"Kwashiorkor". You hear someone calling somebody. The voice is coming from behind. The name rings a bell but you quickly shove it aside as some random talk by passers-by and gbam!!!!!! you hear it again but this time around---- complete

"Chop 1,Chop 2".

The harsh reality now strikes. You are about meeting someone from your past and worst of all,in the company of your friends. You turn around and there she is,standing in all her glory,grinning like a hunter whose trap just caught a rare breed of an antelope. There she is,no other than Mama Ejiro.

"Eh! Eh! Eh! Mark na you be this? . The toture session begins.

"See as you don big like paw paw tree. All this small children of now-adays,una dey big like Agric oh". She holds you by your shoulder,draws you closer and places your head on her now sagged tired and weary bosoms all in the name of measuring your height with hers. Your friends giggle a little

"See mark,my small mark of yesterday. I remember". Just then,you wish you could somehow hypnotize this woman after realizing where she's headed and the damage her revelation is going to cause. Mama Ejiro now goes into memory lane while you watch helplessly.She tells your entire life history with your friends as the "Target audience". She describes how you looked back then like someone suffering from kwashoirkor. Big belly like a J.p tank,tiny arms like toothpick and a mighty head that four dangote trucks will struggle to carry.

She gives your friends every goddamn tiny detail. She doesnt forget to mention that big "kror kror" (ringworm) that sat majestically on your big head. That favourite pant of our that sagged to the knee,that fav shirt of yours that housed many holes in it like a fishing net.

She doesnt leave out that faithful day the whole compound caught you stealing meat from her very own stew,hence the name-- Chop 1,Chop 2.

You are now caught in a web of embarrassment while mama Ejiro reminisces on the good old days and your friends are busy enjoyint it,grinning left -right- center.

She bids good bye and promises to keep in touch, as if you care anyway. Just when you think all is over,she makes a 360 degree turn and asks:

"Wetin be that your tall brother name again"?
"The senior one?" You inquire.
"Yes" she answers. You begin to wonder what dirt she has on Julius,your elder brother and first born of the family who is now married with 2 kids.She drops another nuclear weapon.

"He still dey lick cartarrh?".
You embarrassingly answer "No". And your friends burst into another session of uncontrollable laughter while Mama Ejiro maintains a friendly face.

Look,its left for you to politely walk away with an excuse of being in a hurry or continue giving Mama Ejiro audience While you patiently wait and hope she doesnt ask if your mum still borrows "cooking salt" all cos she did ask for a "pinch" 15 years ago.

Dis op self na talkative

Feyikaey: Dis op self na talkative

exactly what I have in mind

Can't stop laughing...
This is Epic!!!

Feyikaey: Dis op self na talkative

real22: exactly what I have in mind

chigonye: Can't stop laughing...
This is Epic!!!

Nice write up OP ,ur right about ur post.

Lol,so interesting.Number 1 and 5 is very much typical.

wahabian: Nice write up OP ,ur right about ur post.

SugaryBelle: Lol,so interesting.Number 1 and 5 is very much typical.

I guess you must have experienced one of them. I will rather go through 1 than 5 though..

Kslib:
I guess you must have experienced one of them. I will rather go through 1 than 5 though..

haha,the devil and the deep blue sea...

SugaryBelle: haha,the devil and the deep blue sea...

Hahaha!