[size=20]Biologists Confirm God Evolved From Chimpanzee Deity[/size]

Researchers say today’s Lord Almighty shares many traits in common with the chimp deity, including color vision and omniscience.

BERKELEY, CA—Challenging long-held views on the origins of divinity, biologists at the University of California, Berkeley, presented findings Thursday that confirm God, the Almighty Creator of the Universe, evolved from an ancient chimpanzee deity.

The recently discovered sacred ancestor, a divine chimp species scientists have named Pan sanctorum, reportedly gave rise over millions of years to the Lord Our God, Maker of Heaven and Earth.

“Although perhaps not obvious at first glance, there are actually overwhelming similarities between the Supreme Being of today and this early primate deity who preceded Him,” said Dr. Richard Kamen, a leading biologist who also heads Berkeley’s paleotheology department. “The holy chimp moved around on all fours, but its descendants eventually began walking upright to expend less energy while foraging across the infinite reaches of the universe. This of course led to the bipedalism of modern-day God.”

“In fact, you can see a distinct likeness to God in the chimpanzee deity’s skeletal structures, not to mention its prototypical expressions of vengeance and wrath,” Kamen continued. “The great-ape god was, however, considerably smaller in stature, having not yet developed the capacity to occupy all space and time simultaneously.”

According to experts, divine life began as a single-celled all-powerful organism roughly 3.6 billion years ago, eventually evolving into a multicelled, sponge-like deity that bobbed and floated across the chaos of the early universe. Kamen explained that over hundreds of millions of years, the godlike life form became more complex, with limbs that allowed for locomotion across the endless expanse of the heavens, and sophisticated photoreceptor cells capable of seeing all things.

Based on newly obtained evidence, the Pan sanctorum is thought to have first experimented with creation ex nihilo around 7 million years ago. Kamen noted that the chimpanzee deity made several early attempts to produce rudimentary solar systems, but on each occasion was spooked upon inadvertently creating fire, which is said to have caused it to screech loudly, angrily swat away the newly formed sun, and then scamper across the universe to hide from the flaming sphere.

“Natural selection played a huge role in the evolution of divinity, and in this regard, the adaptive value of Pan sanctorum’s immortality proved critical to its survival,” said Kamen, adding that with its opposable thumbs, the divine ancestor was eventually able to fashion primitive tools for creating crude oceans and basic mountain ranges. “Today’s Lord Almighty actually still has a small bony protuberance in the small of His back, the vestigial remains of a tail we believe was used by an even older, monkey-like god to facilitate climbing, allowing it to escape into the heavens when faced with danger.” [like the Tower of Babel, and spaceships]

“That potential for threats made it an evolutionary imperative for the primate god to develop omnipotence, ”Kamen continued. “As well as sharp claws and pointed incisors.”

Though its smaller brain limited its cognitive abilities, the chimpanzee deity is believed to have possessed not only self-awareness, but also spatial intelligence, object permanence, and a rudimentary capacity for knowing all that is, all that has been, and all that ever will be.

However, it was only relatively recently that the heavenly species developed the intellectual capacity for higher reasoning, critical thinking, and infinite wisdom, according to Kamen. For Pan sanctorum, he noted, the passage of divine judgment was “purely a matter of primal instinct.”

“While complex speech would not emerge until the evolution of the Cro-Magnon god from Pan Sanctorum, the chimpanzee deity was capable of using grunts and hand gestures to convey basic emotions such as happiness, anger, or the forgiveness of sin,” Kamen said.

“However, it appears that the chimp deity often exhibited extremely aggressive behavior, in some cases unleashing its divine wrath with little if any provocation toward the mortal chimps it created in its own image.”

He added, “It is our understanding that these creatures lived in a kind of jungle-like forerunner to the Garden of Eden, until a day came when their enraged creator cast them out, flinging feces at them as they fled.”

www.theonion.com/articles/biologists-confirm-god-evolved-from-chimpanzee-dei,35755/

In light of this irrefutable evidence, I hereby abjure atheism and implore other atheists-- mazaje, plaetton, qstar, EvilBrain, Seun, Scyllapatron, etc-- to do so.

hehe dis man sef

So what this means is that God is a primate

Noah13: So what this means is that God is a primate

Evolved from a primate god. It is even in the Bible. We are made in God's image, and we evolved from ape-like creatures. It's a no-brainer that god himself evolved.

Apatheist:
Evolved from a primate god. It is even in the Bible. We are made in God's image, and we evolved from ape-like creatures. It's a no-brainer that god himself evolved.

However, God's behavior does not seem to have evolved. He's still giving cancer to children and allowing women to be molested....

God save your people.

Apatheist:
Evolved from a primate god. It is even in the Bible. We are made in God's image, and we evolved from ape-like creatures. It's a no-brainer that god himself evolved.

I guess this answers the question of how God came to be.

onetrack:

However, God's behavior does not seem to have evolved. He's still giving cancer to children and allowing women to be molested....

Their fault for not paying their tithe.

Heavenly scientists predict prophesy another evolution of god to one that does not give diseases, or collect belief fee aka tithe.

adanduka: God save your people.

Aman!
He will.
He just needs your tithe to extend your stay in Paradise.

Noah13:

I guess this answers the question of how God came to be.

No one can understand god, which is why they study him in the laboratory church via theology.

na so crase dey start

Apatheist:
Aman!
He will.
He just needs your tithe to extend your stay in Paradise.

I wonder who sold that lie to you

adanduka:
I wonder who sold that lie to you

Lie?
It's been verified scientifically.

Apatheist:
No one can understand god, which is why they study him in the laboratory church via theology.

lol. indeed he's been studied observed.

Genesis chapter 1 verse 1 - In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.
verse 2 - The earth was formless and void, and darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was moving over the
surface of the waters.


according to the christian bible, there was nothing on earth until Genesis 1:1 , my question to you is = where did the god-evolution take place??
your answers will bring forth my further contributions to the topic.

have a nice day Sir.

Scyllapatron: genesis 1 - 1 - In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.
2 - The earth was formless and void, and darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was moving over the
surface of the waters.


according to the christian bible, there was nothing on earth until Genesis 1:1 , my question to you is = where did the god-evolution take place??
your answers will bring forth my further contributions to the topic.

have a nice day Sir.

It seems you don't understand sarcasm.

Apatheist:
It seems you don't understand sarcasm.

hahahaha!! , sorry Bro, i thought it was a subject to be handled noetically. nevertheless, keep the fire burning. i understand you better now.