I went snooping around with pen and paper after
my last blog (I promised there’ll be something on
Ghanaian English, yeah?), and caught all shapes
and sizes of people giving the Queen’s language a
good beating … I decided I will only concentrate
on what we have taken now as acceptable. Here go
20 of Ghana’s most irritating English
phrases….those that we have heard saaã, and are
tired of….(ei…have u heard that now, a small-sized
Club beer is called an Akuffo, as short as you know
who?)

1. Dash me some….

Ghanaians have this instinct for thinking that every
seller is doing them in. So even if it’s pure water,
they wish they can tip the scales in their favour
and get more than they are paying for. The market
people too are getting smart. They serve you less
and then they ‘dash’ you the rest of what you
deserve! Period! Everybody is happy.

2. Home use….

The better thing to say is ‘second—rate’. In Ghana,
we so home use everything: home use cars, home
use clothing, home use toothbrushes koraa mpo,
there is not much GES can do about this phrase.

3. I’m going to barber my hair…..

Arrrggghhhh!!! And when you finish, seamstress
your dress as well!

4. Can you borrow me (some money)?

My primary school teacher said that people who
say this were born before the education ministry
was set up so we may just have to be patient until
they all have lost their teeth with age and can then
honestly shut up!

5. I will climb this car…

Aw, aw, aw! Maybe, that’s why you have been
standing at the station for so long! Looking for a
car to climb! Which driver will permit you?

6. One mother, one father….

Honestly, can anybody be born from one mother,
two fathers? Come to think of it, this phrase exists
because in Ghana, everybody is everybody’s
abusua. ‘Kufuor koraa yɛ me wɔfa’. Those kinds of
things….so you must really be conversant with
your parents if you don’t want to lose them to
some bloke.

7. Petrol shell…

This is what we call an innocent filling station.
Petrol shell! I can’t even help it. Petrol. Shell.
Aaaaba!

8. I am going to branch at this house…

Take a bend. If you finish branching, just be sure
to grow leaves on it as well. The weather is
unpredictable nowadays.

9. It will short….

That is to say that it will reduce till it’s not enough
anymore. Greedily stingy people overdramatize
the five wise virgins when you ask them for
anything. Their answer? You guessed right. It will
short!

10. From today onward going…

Ehhhn! Keep your thoughts to yourself. Where are
you today onward going from today onward to?!!

11. Excuse me to say…

When we want to insult you courteously, this is
what we hide behind. I wish it were an Akuapem
phrase. That will make it so natural. Excuse me to
say, sɛbe sɛbe tafrakyɛ.

12. I for one, I think….

We for two, we also think you should shut up and
gowayyou!!! A mess of spoken language!!

13. At the end of the day….

Which day is it that has still never come for
Ghanaians? I think this is genuinely one of the
most scrubbed phrases in the world, thanks to us.
Such a lame excuse for not getting things done on
time! It even ends our prayers… “at the end of the
day, we will give glory to your name”. Somebody
tell me; which day are we talking about?

14. Only your…

This is one of my favourites. I loved being told
“Only your shoe!” whenever I wore new sneakers
in my kindergarten days. And I still hear it for a lot
of things: “only your dress!” “only your
car!”….”Only Your English!!!!”

15. On the light…

This is “on” being used as a verb, if you get what I
mean. /On/ the light, means “turn on the lights,”
only that, “turn” is too long and unpronounceably
burdensome for us. We love the command it gives
us to say it this way: “On the light!” What a waste!

16. Last…

And we have developed this beautiful use of the
word ‘last’ that spins my head any day. For
example: “What is your last price?” “The price is
fifty thousand cedis, last!” So what is first?

17. I quite remember….

We never fully remember anything in Ghana. We
only quite! Poor tribute to such a sensuous word
as ‘quite’. When we start hearing people ‘quite
forgetting’, that will be the day!!
18. Will not reach…
As in, “The money will not reach.” Where at all is
the money going? Eeenh! This English too will not
reach.

19. I’m going to come…

Can you believe that a song by Buk Bak which had
this line tune-variedly repeated as a chorus
(singing): “I’m going to come, I‘m going to come,
I’m going to come…12X doo daa daa” actually
stayed in the top of our charts? We dey craze for
this phrase waa!!! And we mean to say “I’ll be
back!” This one paa deɛɛ (singing) GOD BLESS OUR
HOMELAND GHANA…doo daa daa…It’s only better
than calling those fish you get along the Volta
“Keta school boys”. School boys paa?

20. Flash me…

We only mean that you should leave a missed call
on our phone as a prompt. God be praised that it
is not “Flush me.”
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Only In Ghana, the things we endure