A man enters a barber shop and asks how long before he can have his hair cut. The barber looks round and replies, "Two hours." The man leaves the shop. The next day the man again enters the shop and asks how long before he can have a hair cut. The barber again replies, "Two hours." The man walks out.
The next day, again at the same time the same man enters and asks how long for a hair cut. Again the answer is two hours. He walks out and the barber asks his friend to follow him and see where he goes. Twenty minutes pass and the friend finally returns in stitches laughing. "Well," asks the barber, where does he go?"
The man replies, "Your house."

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet, rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. He does so and she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy.
"Are you the landlord?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" he replies.
"Well, can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" the woman asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his thick hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the barman -clearly aroused "is there anything I can do?".
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to lick them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room.".


Eeeewwww!!!

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.
The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

'Well' he explained' By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started Ladies and Gentlemen'.

On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better than that English fool and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin. When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing.

'Well' he explained' By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Dear Ladies and Gentlemen'.

On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I'll go one further than those mainland fools and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously. When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing.

'Well' he explained,' by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying 'Dear Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure, '

lol

A man was telling friends how first-aid classes had prepared him for an emergency. 'I saw a woman hit by a car,' he said. 'She had a broken arm, a twisted knee and a skull fracture.'
'How horrible! What did you do?'

'Thanks to my first-aid training I knew just how to handle it. I sat on the curb and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting.'

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room

Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there

Ugly: You're in them


Good: Your husband understands fashion

Bad: He's a cross dresser

Ugly: He looks better than you

Good: Your son's finally maturing

Bad: He's involved with the woman next door

Ugly: So are you

nice :d

Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter

Bad: She keeps interrupting

Ugly: With corrections

Good: It's your last paper in your final year.

Bad: You studied your Maths throughout the night till morning.

Ugly: You went for the paper and found it to be Sociology.

Good: You are going to have a good time with your wife.

Bad: Your wife says she couldn't find the pill.

Ugly: Your daughter is using it.

Good: You enjoy nature.

Bad: You fall into a leech-infested mudpool.

Ugly: You are naked.

This one's dedicated to the people in IRAS (no offence intended) :

Good: You are posted to the telephone team where you always wanted to
be.

Bad: A taxpayer calls up and shouts vulgarities at you.

Ugly: The caller is your father.

HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY

~ At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down

~ Insist that your e mail address is:Xena-goddess-of-fire@companyname.com or Elvis-the-King@companyname.com.

~ Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

~ Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

~ Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."

~ Develop an unnatural fear of staplers

~ Reply to everything someone says with,"That's what you think."

~ Don't use any punctuation

~ As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

~ Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme

~ Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.)

~ Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.

~ Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

~ Call the psychic hotline and just say, "Guess"

~ Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling, name, Rock Hard.

~ When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!", "I Won!" "3rd time this week!!!"

~ When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!"

~ Tell your boss, "It's not the voices in my head that bother me, its the voices in your head that do"

~ Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.

IF ABBY WAS A MAN

My fiancee still has feelings for his old girlfriends. I'm afraid he will not be faithful. —Worried

Dear Worried,

A man's capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven to increase with the number of sexual partners. Thus, by having a few other women, your partner is really increasing his love for you. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.

IF ABBY WAS A MAN

Dear Abby,

My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister.

—Ménàge-a-What?!


Dear Ménàge-a-What,

Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing, your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

IF ABBY WAS A MAN

Dear Abby,

My husband continually asks me to perform MouthAction with him.—Staying Up Here

Dear Staying Up Here,

Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this.
His offer to you to perform MouthAction with him is totally selfless.
MouthAction is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

IF ABBY WAS A MAN

Dear Abby,

My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is. —Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it,do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at car-boot sales. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.

IF ABBY WAS A MAN

Dear Abby,

My husband goes straight to sleep after making love, we have no time to talk. —Shut Out

Dear Shut Out,

Sex is an extremely difficult task for a man. Afterwards he needs rest. In fact, the more he loves you, the more hard work his lovemaking is, and the more rest he needs. Stop putting pressure on him. Buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook a nice meal.

IF ABBY WAS A MAN


Dear Abby,

My husband's efforts at lovemaking only last 30 seconds. —Unsatisfied

Dear Unsatisfied,

Your husband loves you very much. He is so turned on by you that he cannot control himself. In fact, the shorter the effort' the more he loves you. Return this love by buying a nice, expensive present, and cooking him a nice meal.

REAL LIFE STORY NUMBER 2

On the morning show at WBBM FM in Chicago, IL they play a game for prizes, usually vacations and such, called "Mate Match." The DJ's ring someone at work and ask if they are married or in a serious relationship. If yes, then this person is asked 3 very personal questions that vary from couple to couple and asked for their significant others name and work phone number. If the significant other answers correctly then they are winners. This particular day (12-9-98) it got interesting:

DJ: Hey! This is Eddie on WBBM. Do you know "Mate Match"?

Contestant: (laughing) Yes I do.

DJ: What's your name? First only please.

Contestant: Brian

DJ: Are you married or what Brian?

Brian: Yes.

DJ: "Yes"? Does this mean you're married or what? Brian?

Brian: (laughing nervously) Yes, I'm married.

DJ: Thank you Brian. OK, now, what's your wife's name? First only please, Brian.

Brian: Sara.

DJ: Is Sara at work Brian?

Brian: She's gonna kill me.

DJ: Stay with me here Brian! Is she at work?

Brian: (laughing) Yes she is.

DJ: All right then, first question: When was the last time you had sex?

Brian: She's gonna kill me.

DJ: Brian! Stay with me here, man.

Brian: About 8 o'clock this morning.

DJ: Atta boy.

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) Well.

DJ: Number 2: How long did it last?

Brian: About 10 minutes.

DJ: Wow! You really want that trip huh? No one would ever have said that if it there weren't a trip at stake.

Brian: Yeah, it would be really nice.

DJ: OK. Final question: Where was it that you had sex at 8 this morning?

Brian: (laughing hard) I ummmmm.

DJ: This sounds good Brian, where was it?

Brian: Not that it was all that great just that her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks and she was taking a shower at the time.

DJ: Ooooooh, sneaky boy!

Brian: On the kitchen table.

DJ: "Not that great"? That's more adventurous than the last hundred times I've done
it. Anyway, (to audience) I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this.
(Advertisements)

DJ: (to audience) Let's call Sara shall we?

(touch tones, ringing)

Clerk: Kinko's.

DJ: Hey, is Sara around there somewhere?

Clerk: This is she.

DJ: Sara, this is Eddie with WBBM. I've been speaking with Brian for a couple of hours now.

Sara: (laughing) A couple of hours?

DJ: Well, awhile anyway. He's also on the line with us. Brian knows not to give away any answers or you lose, soooooooo, do you know the rules of "Mate Match"?

Sara: No.

DJ: Good.

Brian: (laughing)

Sara: (laughing) Brian, what the hell are you up to?

Brian: (laughing) Just answer his questions honestly, OK?

Sara: Oh, Brian!

DJ: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sara I will now ask you 3 questions and if you answer exactly
what Brian has said then the 2 of you are off to Orlando, Florida at our expense. This does include tickets to Disney World, Sea World and tickets to see the Orlando Magic play. Get it Sara? Sara! Get it? Orlando Magic, they are on strike? Sara, helloooooo? Anyone home?!?!

Sara: (laughing hard) YES, yes.

Brian: (laughing)

DJ: All right, when did you have sex last Sara?

Sara: Oh God, Brian. , This morning before Brian went to work.

DJ: What time?

Sara: About 8 I think.
(sound effect) DING DING DING

DJ: Very good. Next question: How long did it last?

Sara: 12-15 minutes maybe.

DJ: Hmmmmm,
Background
voice
in studio: That's close enough. I'm sure she's trying not to harm his manhood.

DJ: Well, we'll give you that one. Last question: Where did you do it?

Sara: Oh my God, Brian! You didn't tell them, did you?!

Brian: Just tell him honey.

DJ: What's bothering you so much Sara?

Sara: Well, it's just, just that my mom is vacationing with us, and,

DJ: She saw?

Sara: Brian?

Brian: No, no I didn't.

DJ: Ease up there sister. Just messin' with your head. Your answer?

Sara: Dear Lord; I can not believe you told them this.

Brian: Come on honey, it's for a trip to Florida.

DJ: Let's go Sara we ain't got all day. Where did you do it?

Sara: In the ass.
(long pause)

DJ: We'll be right back.
(Advertisements)

DJ: I'm sorry for that ladies and gentlemen. This is live radio and these things do happen. Anyway, Brian and Sara are off to lovely Orlando, Florida.

FARTING PEOPLE,


The Vain Person
One who loves the smell of his own farts.

The Amiable Person
One who loves the smell of other people's farts.

The Proud Person
One who thinks his farts are exceptionable fine.

The Shy Person
One who releases silent farts then blushes.

The Imprudent Person
One who boldly farts out loud, and then laughs.

The Unfortunate Person
One who tries hard to fart, but shits instead.

The Scientific Person
One who farts frequently, but is truly concerned for the environment.

The Nervous Person
One who stops in the middle of a fart.

The Honest Person
One who admitted he farted, but offers a good medical reason.

The Dishonest Person
One who farts but blames the dog.

The Foolish Person
One who suppresses a fart for hours and hours.

The Thrifty Person
One who always has several farts in reserve.

The Anti-Social Person
One who excuses himself and farts in complete privacy.

The Strategic Person
One who conceals his farts with loud coughing.

The Sadistic Person
One who farts in bed and then fluffs the covers over his bedmate.

The Intelligent Person
One who can determine from the smell of his neighbor's fart, precisely the latest food items consumed.

A man was in court for murder and the judge says " You have been found guilty of beating your wife to death with a hammer" A voice in the back of the courtroom says "You bastard". Then the judge continues "You have also been found guilty of beating your daughter to death with a hammer" Again, the voice in the back of the court says "You bastard" The judge says "Now, we can't have any more outbursts like that again or I will find you in contempt of court. Now, what's your problem? The man in the back of the courtroom says "For 15 years I've lived next door to this bastard and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he never had one."

u are obviously the only enjoying your jokes

princesa:

u are obviously the only enjoying your jokes

Please show me where I wrote "comments are welcome, if not recieved, will die".

Please will ya?

i know thats what you wanted by posting atfirst, but it seems u aint getting nathing

Ah! Is that how it works here? I didn't know o.

Thanks for the lecture though. I will be leaving for you now.


You wish! Oniranu!

leave or stay it dnt matter to me




_{cos you are nathing to me}

You sha want someone to engage you sha.

am proud of my new pants

and who are u addressing as your new pants