Lin's Story:

"One of the most frustrating things for people not personally involved in an abusive or battering relationship is trying to understand why a woman doesn’t leave. Far too often they judge domestic violence situations. They may ask, “If it’s that bad, why doesn’t she just leave?” They may say, “She must stay because she enjoys it.” And may say, “This could never happen to me. I wouldn’t allow it.”

The most important thing to keep in mind is that extreme emotional abuse is always present in domestic violence situations. On average, an abused woman will leave her partner several times. The reasons they return or stay in the relationship vary from woman to woman.

This is a topic I am all too familiar with in my previous marriage. My personal experience of spousal abuse may not make me an expert or authority on the subject, but I am someone who truly understands the difficult issues involved with leaving such a relationship. Carefully consider the following information, as it pertains to abused women in general, as well as the aspects that affected me personally. You may see yourself in this Emotional Dance of Domestic Abuse, or someone you know and care about. Educating yourself on these issues may help you save yourself or someone you love.

Some women who remain in abusive relationships may do so for “the sake of the children.” They may feel that an abusive husband and/or father is better than none at all. The abusive episodes they endure have greatly diminished their judgment, leaving them in a constant state of anxiety and fear. They question their ability and strength to live alone and care for their children. Also, the threat of a child custody battle, fear of losing their children and worry about the financial strains of raising children immobilize them.

Personally, I had tremendous fear that my then-husband would take our children to Mexico, where he is from, and I would either never see or hear from my children again, or the struggle that would ensue in trying to locate and return my children to me.

Abused women are usually threatened by their abusers if they try to leave. Continuous “fear” of what the abuser could or might do in retaliation may cause some women to stay even when she knows she should leave. Statistically, abused women and their children are in the most danger when they try to escape the violence. This is referred to as “separation violence.”

Personally, I left my then-husband three separate times over the course of our fifteen year marriage. In his usual, no-nonsense manner, he informed me that if I were to leave, I would “lose the children.” How or why he believed I would lose the children was never made clear, but was only meant to intimidate me into staying. It worked, but only for awhile.

Violence often escalates when women leave or are in the process of leaving the relationship. News reports of murder/suicide involving estranged couples, or reports of a parent leaving the country with their children during separation or divorce proceedings, clearly shows the serious dangers involved therein.

Many abused women feel they have nowhere to go and “lack financial resources.” Frequently, they do not have the immediate financial resources necessary to leave, and fear they will be unable to provide for themselves and their children’s needs. Most women suffer dramatic financial loss, much more so than men, following divorce. Because of the emotional abuse endured, women may believe that they are not capable of surviving or succeeding on their own, perhaps due to limited job skills and income potential.

Personally, I was a stay-at-home wife and mother, with no form of income of my own, with little or no access to “his” money. Purchases made had to be cleared with him first, and without such clearance, I was physically locked out of the house with the warning to return the items I had bought (usually for our children) and to bring him back “his money.”

Abusers often attempt to “isolate” their partners from family and friends. Without a support system and outside validation, partners gradually become more and more vulnerable. In time, abusers are able to control their partner’s perceptions of the abuse and victims may begin to doubt their own sanity. Abusers inflict gradual, yet increasing, emotional abuse on their partners, often to the point where the victim comes to believe they are responsible and to blame for the abuse.

With my intense religious upbringing, I dutifully approached religious leaders as well as my own father in an attempt to get help. This, unfortunately, only made matters worse for me. Without carefully listening to me and what I had to say, even my own father, a church leader, told me in no uncertain terms to get my “butt back where I belong”, meaning with my abusive husband. The embarrassment within the church community was the furthest thing from my mind, as I was more concerned about what was surely going to happen once I got my butt back “home.”

Often, abused women feel committed to their partner’s “for better or worse.” Although unrealistic, they want the abuse to stop but the relationship to continue. They hope that “with enough love” the violence will stop, being attracted to their partner’s good side and the period during which there is no violence. However, research has shown that the abuse will not stop, and will likely escalate, without the help of others. Belief in Counseling for the Abuser, and the dream of a life without the violence, holds many women to the relationship.

Even though marrying very young, I took my marriage vows before God and witnesses very seriously. I never imagined that my marriage would become as it did. I was born and raised third-generation of this particular “faith”, wherein the only acceptable grounds for divorce was that of adultery that could be proved by “two or more witnesses”, according to church teaching. To get a divorce without clear proof of adultery, according to church teachings, required complete and total celibacy and no hope of ever remarrying. To remarry after a divorce with no clear proof of adultery, invariably and abruptly lead you to being excommunicated from the church entirely, wherein even your own family and close friends would have nothing to do with you.

The Process of Leaving Issues – Most abused women leave and return several times before permanently separating from their abusers. Separation from abusive partner’s takes time, because of strong emotional involvement and investment in the relationship, as well as a fierce desire that there be change. Every time a woman leaves, they gain more courage and strength, as well as valuable information pertaining to available resources and their own abilities. Because of the potential dangers involved in leaving, it is vital that they do so in the safest way possible, with knowledge of available resources and a plan.

I planned and prepared for leaving the marriage for six long months. I began working part-time a short distance from our home as an Office Manager for a dental office. My organizational skills and ability to close patients’ outstanding balances, lead to my being taken on full-time and a nice raise. I opened a secret bank account and began saving every penny I could pinch towards my lawyer and court fees. Until I had the monies needed to file for divorce, I told no one. No one. The mental and emotional strength and validation I received while working and earning my own money, quickly diminished my fears of how I would care and provide for not only myself, but also my children. The person I was before the marriage was returning in full force, and I was quickly becoming a force to be reckoned with.

Often times, women feel that no one will believe that their partner’s are capable of abuse, often referred to as Societal Denial. Outwardly, abusers are often friendly, popular, charming, successful and professionally confident. Treatment and behaviors towards the community and work place are very different from those with whom they live. They are highly skilled at keeping their controlling and abusive behavior behind closed doors.

I cannot emphasize enough the tenacious ability abusers have in covering up their true colors while in public. I would often hear, especially within the church, “Your husband is so nice”, or “You must be so proud of your husband having been recommended for a leadership role” within the church. If these ones only knew the strength it took for me not to scream out loud “Are you kidding me?!”

The Perpetual Cycle of Violence – Women may stay in abusive relationships because their partners promise “it will never happen again.” Abusive partners may check violent tendencies for a time. But, without professional intervention and help, this “honeymoon phase” of tenderness, apologies and even gift giving, will invariably end abruptly and violently return once again.

If I had a nickel for every time I heard “it won’t happen again I promise”, I’d never have to work another day in my life. But sadly, even I fell for that one time after time. Until the last time.

Domestic abuse and violence shame and humiliate woman. When women live in a constant state of humiliation, they lose the ability and power to assert themselves and assess accurately what is going on in their own life. As a result, women who endure emotional and physical abuse live in a state of perpetual or intermittent denial in order to simply exist day to day.

Since gaining the emotional strength, and needed financial independence, I have lived up to the promise I made to myself as I walked out of the courtroom, that I will never, ever accept that way of life again.

Since my divorce in 1993, I no longer could accept the religion I was brought up in, for many reasons. Although leaving the religion on my own accord lead to the church decision to excommunicate me, therefore losing contact with my family and then-close friends, I am now truly happy and free of abuse. I remarried in 2003 to a wonderful, kind and loving man, who knows me to be a strong, outspoken woman, a force to be reckoned with."

Source: tellinitlikeitis.net

Source pls

Source pls and pls summarize this long thin I no fit read am

Jetsfan1980's Story:

My Wife Is Abusive

"I hate my wife, I mean I absolutely hate her.

We Have been together for 4 years and married for 2 1/2. There are days we get along, we have a lot in common. We have many of the same hobbies and share the same profession. Our relationship started out perfect. I was friends with some of her relatives and I met her through them. I took her out on dates and was very romantic towards her. I really held nothing back, I spent over $2,000 dating her the first 3 months( I am a frugal person, so spending that type of money was big for me.) She was so happy, her family loved me, I felt on top of the world!

Her two brothers and sister all got married in a 1 1/2 years, so she was itching to follow in their steps. Everyone was pressuring me to get engaged, I was so happy, that I conceded and made the idiotic decision to get engaged after 8 months of dating. After I spent $5,000 on a ring ( she said it had to be at least 1 carat). I purposed to her at a large jazz concert. We were in the audience and I had prearranged for the band to call me on stage, I went up a spotlight on me, and I gave a sweet message and asked her to marry me. The crowd went crazy! It was a scene out of a movie! The next day she said nothing that she was excited to marry me. All she talked about was wedding plans. The next 9 months she became obsessive, she turned into a lunatic, and never turned back. She stated breaking stuff like cell phones, and sunglasses out of rage. She started punching me in the arm often, and spazzing out in public. I thought it was just the wedding planning and I loved her blindly.

Our wedding was so lavish, I hated it. Our wedding cost over $50K. After the wedding, and a Honeymoon that was OK. She spent the next few months beating the crap out of me. One day she was spazzing out so much, that she tried to hit me with her car as she sped away. I called her Dad out of desperation, and when he and I were outside talking she returned and swerved her car at us. I took her to the hospital, but they said nothing was physically wrong and that she needed to go to a day clinic for a week. That didn't work at all. Several counselors after that didn't work because she would lie to them and say that I was a manipulative person. I know this because she told me that she lied to them on purpose. She would go in waves of being happy for two weeks, and I would get false hope, then she would go back to breaking stuff in the house cursing and spitting on me for idiotic reasons. She would get mad at me for stuff that normal people would never argue about.

One day I asked her very politely to not leave the clothes dryer on when we leave the house. (Our house drying vent was clogged when we first bought it). I heard of a news report of a house burning down, so I wanted to fix it. Any way, she beat the living crap out of me. She said I attacked her character and made her feel worthless. We finally found another counselor, he gave her the most accurate diagnosis: Borderline Personality Disorder. She was put on medication and it relieved a lot of the symptoms. The outbursts were farther apart and she was working on her issues. I stated having hope! She one time stopped taking the medication for a month and lied about it. The only reason why I found out about it is because she hit me, then felt so guilty about confessed that she stopped taking the medication.

A few months later, 3 days before Christmas, I told that it was 3 weeks since we had sex and I wanted to be romantic with her. Well, that was it, she flew off of the handle, punched the crap out of me. I tried to leave and she got in the car and punched me in the face, got out and walked away. I returned 4 hours later and she said I was a worthless person ( and used a ton of curse words to describe how) for leaving for that long. I told her that I needed to leave so that she could cool down, well I got hit for that too. She barricaded the bedroom door I was in and kept hitting me, and my glasses broke. I restrained her and pushed her onto the bed and held her down, and told her to stop. She spit on my face, and went to her parents and called the cops. She told the cops and her family all these lies about me. When the cops came over to the house I explained what had happened and I had proof. I had her diagnosis, her medication, broken glasses, bruises and other evidence. They said that they believed me and I was not arrested. Which is good because I work for the government, and I would lose my job.

It took us many months to resolve the issues. We went to counseling and our therapist said that if we go out to dinner more often, then things would get better. I said to her "lady, my wife beat the crap out of me and called the cops and you think that dinner plans is gonna fix it? We already go out to eat!" Well, I gave my wife an ultimatum, and that if she touched me again I would divorce her. I called a lawyer and made plans and showed her that this was no bluff. Well it's been ten months, and she has not hit me, but she still flips out and uses abusive language. It is not nearly as bad as it once was, she has made progress, but it’s been slow.

Meanwhile, my heart hurts and I do not feel I have a future unless things change. A lot of days I feel so depressed. She wants to have children, but I said that if she does not flip out for a year and things are much better, then we can. I also told her that in a year, if things were not better than I am moving on with my life. I am still young enough (30) to move on and get married to someone else and have children. There have been so many days that I felt like an idiot, the only thing that has kept me going is the students I work with."

Source: theexperienceproject

It's their personal stories - something may be lost if shortened.

To get a divorce without clear proof of adultery, according to church teachings, required complete and total celibacy and no hope of ever remarrying. To remarry after a divorce with no clear proof of adultery, invariably and abruptly lead you to being excommunicated from the church entirely, wherein even your own family and close friends would have nothing to do with you.

snowprince07: Source pls

Both sources are at the end of the stories.

This maga better divorce that crazy woman.does his house look like an asylum where the mentally ill get cured?
One day she'll flip out in future and kill one of their kids then he'll be too heartborken to know where to pick his life up from.

zboyd: .

cococandy: To get a divorce without clear proof of adultery, according to church teachings, required complete and total celibacy and no hope of ever remarrying. To remarry after a divorce with no clear proof of adultery, invariably and abruptly lead you to being excommunicated from the church entirely, wherein even your own family and close friends would have nothing to do with you.

So...must the cheated on party hire a private detective to follow the cheating spouse around, take pictures, record a video, provide proof of having contracted an STD, etc.?

Nonsense!

zboyd:

Both sources are at the end of the stories.

ok summary

Since my divorce in 1993, I no longer could accept the religion I was brought up in, for many reasons. Although leaving the religion on my own accord lead to the church decision to excommunicate me, therefore losing contact with my family and then-close friends

So ppl stop talking to their family and friends because they changed religion?
They become sort of outcast?
Hmm.

We must be taking this religion thing more seriously than God himself

cococandy: This maga better divorce that crazy woman.does his house look like an asylum where the mentally ill get cured?
One day she'll flip out in future and kill one of their kids then he'll be too heartborken to know where to pick his life up from.

You're very right! This is serious business!

Example:

Andrea Yates: Ill or Evil?

http://www.crimelibrary.com/notorious_murders/women/andrea_yates/index.html

Well I guess. How else can they prove it.

What surprises me is the church harshness.
And that part of family and friends turning their backs on one.
What kind of love are they preaching then?

zboyd:

So...must the cheated on party hire a private detective to follow the cheating spouse around, take pictures, record a video, provide proof of having contracted an STD, etc.?

Nonsense!

Sickening I must say.

The guy in your second story may face that in future if he stays married to that his lunatic wife who tried to run him over.
How do you give someone who tried to run you over with a car another chance.
Another chance to do what? To carry out the murder successfully?
Smh

zboyd:

You're very right! This is serious business!

Example:

Andrea Yates: Ill or Evil?

http://www.crimelibrary.com/notorious_murders/women/andrea_yates/index.html

na waoh!abusive relationship is BAD.DT MAN SLF IS FUNNY.

cococandy: To get a divorce without clear proof of adultery, according to church teachings, required complete and total celibacy and no hope of ever remarrying. To remarry after a divorce with no clear proof of adultery, invariably and abruptly lead you to being excommunicated from the church entirely, wherein even your own family and close friends would have nothing to do with you.

Harsh huh? But there is reasoning behind it;

1. It focuses one to not just enter marriage anyhow - understand and commit to it with the right person
2. It puts a lid on frivolous divorce - which is becoming more common and hence normal, and aided by lopsided divorce laws
3. If you knew you couldn't simply remarry, you make every effort to get it right and keep it working. Celibacy is a motivator !
4. At a stroke it also reduces a number of societal ills
5. It's close to the bible reading - divorce does not pre-suppose remarriage

Harsh but purposefully so.


TV

Ok let's leave the church service and programmes aside.

Why does excommunication have to include family and friends who go to that same church with you turning their backs on you?

Understood that the laws are there for the excesses,how does it help the case of someone who was leaving for their own safety?
Especially when they need a network of support from family and friends at those trying times.

TV01:
Harsh huh? But there is reasoning behind it;

1. It focuses one to not just enter marriage anyhow - understand and commit to it with the right person
2. It puts a lid on frivolous divorce - which is becoming more common and hence normal, and aided by lopsided divorce laws
3. If you knew you couldn't simply remarry, you make every effort to get it right and keep it working. Celibacy is a motivator !
4. At a stroke it also reduces a number of societal ills
5. It's close to the bible reading - divorce does not pre-suppose remarriage

Harsh but purposefully so.


TV

cococandy: Ok let's leave the church service and programmes aside.

Why does excommunication have to include family and friends who go to that same church with you turning their backs on you?

Understood that the laws are there for the excesses,how does it help the case of someone who was leaving for their own safety?
Especially when they need a network of support from family and friends at those trying times.

It doesn't matter, the institution is more important than human life.

The second story is so funny

man wants to speak to wife

H.. beat

HA.. beating

HAPPY .. another beating

HAPPY BiRTH.. more beating


HAPPY BIRTHDAY... "oh..is that what you wanted to say all along.. thanks honey"




Since he decided to marry a woman on a whim and is still staying in a marriage where his life is at stake, he loves the relationship
The sense of power he has over her - divorce threat nd withholding kids from her is a high for him
I hope he does not get too high and goes to heaven from there from poisoning after she harvests his sperm

IMO I think that's a law that can't be totally adherred to. I find it hard to believe anyone will turn their back on their own family when he/she is in such need because their church says so .

carefreewannabe:

It doesn't matter, the institution is more important than human life.

Why should I be wasting my time and mental energy on reading reasons why different women CHOOSE to stay or go back to abusive marriage. If being treated violently makes them feel good, sexy, important or womanly wetin be my own. The world is full of CHOICES. If she wants to be her husband's foot mat, more grease to her elbow, moreover the wheat, vegetable soup, stock fish and pomo in front of me is more important than why different women choose to live their lives with violence


the key word remains CHOICE

cococandy: IMO I think that's a law that can't be totally adherred to. I find it hard to believe anyone will turn their back on their own family when he/she is in such need because their church says so .

I wouldn't mind leaving such a family and even more such a church.

I would leave before they make me leave.

If only I could get a summary

SAMBARRY: Why should I be wasting my time and mental energy on reading reasons why different women CHOOSE to stay or go back to abusive marriage. If being treated violently makes them feel good, sexy, important or womanly wetin be my own. The world is full of CHOICES. If she wants to be her husband's foot mat, more grease to her elbow, moreover the wheat, vegetable soup, stock fish and pomo in front of me is more important than why different women choose to live their lives with violence


the key word remains CHOICE

Honestly, i do not like to read all these kind of stories. I dnt know. I like my life so much that i still cannot understand why i should stay in a marriage when death is staring at my face.

Don't you know in Nigeria, marriage is a ticket for you to fly first class or go to heaven whether it is turbulent or rosy.just bear mrs lagbaja.end of discussion abi shey discussion continues ni?

Sophyrocks:



Honestly, i do not like to read all these kind of stories. I dnt know. I like my life so much that i still cannot understand why i should stay in a marriage when death is staring at my face.

Morning,

cococandy: Ok let's leave the church service and programmes aside.

Ok

cococandy:
Why does excommunication have to include family and friends who go to that same church with you turning their backs on you?

Probably becuase they see the church as one big family - and moreso as they probably all live in a "comunually minded" manner.

cococandy:
Understood that the laws are there for the excesses,how does it help the case of someone who was leaving for their own safety?
Especially when they need a network of support from family and friends at those trying times.

Given that it will mean marriages are established better, such cases shouldbe few and far between.
I would hope they understood this could be the case in some instances and acted accordingly. I'd also imagine living more "communally" would make any abuse more visible. They'd probably have a way of bringing offending men to order.


TV

When people start living their lives not dependent on people's opinion,things will improve.

I can't stay in an abusive relationship,muchless marriage,I have never had cause to raise my hand against any of my dates,despite they get annoying at times. The day I said I would hit my fiancee,she told me point blank that If I dare do that,she would walk away. I was shocked.

the society isn't helping matters too,there are something exclusive for the married,which shouldn't be so.

cococandy: Well I guess. How else can they prove it.

What surprises me is the church harshness.
And that part of family and friends turning their backs on one.
What kind of love are they preaching then?

The teachings of the church and the teachings of Christ are not thesame.

Besides there are lots and lots of misinterpretations in the bible we are using.

And some goats be like "you can just walk away, yano" as if it is that easy. Rubbish. I know some people actually stay with an abusive partner because they know the abuser can't live without them. Messed up!

Btw it takes a person an Average of 7 times before finally leaving for good.

My mum's church member who has been married for about 10yrs with 6 children called her the other day weeping! Her husband had once again beaten her to a pulp. The guy claims to be a pastor and usually goes for some "camp meeting" with some of his colleagues. One of them a female.

According to the lady, whenever hubby went for that supposed "camp meeting", he would come back a "changed man". Pick quarrels and beat the woman up. (I know sha that the woman's got a
sharp mouth ).

She wept bitterly the day she called my mum, narrating a lot of things. She wept! She said she was tired of the beatings,the infidelity,the verbal and emotional abuse to the extent of saying she bore him 6 useless children! ! She said amidst tears: "mum, why don't i leave now that I'm still alive instead of leaving as a corpse?" The man told her that he would deal with her to the extent that she would run away with her two legs from his house. That the devil sent her to come and pull him down! After 10yrs and 6 kids?! Hian!

At the end of the day, my mum asked her where she intended to start from with 6 kids and her meager salary which the government doesn't even pay as at when due. Bottom line, stay and endure. It will pass.

I was shocked and dumbfounded. The woman is still there with her kids enduring till death do them part.

Summary pls