Chelsea's 2-0 win over Arsenal was both entirely predictable and laced with surprises. Arsene Wenger's failure to beat Jose Mourinho's Chelsea in 12 attempts reduced the professorial manager to a level of frustration that resulted in him shoving his counterpart, who himself once poked a rival in the eye. It was an act of helpless desperation befitting Arsenal's fortunes against big clubs in general and Chelsea in particular over recent years.


Despite the definitiveness of the result, it still feels necessary to ask, "What if it continued?"

97' — Wenger declares that it's "opposite day" and a loss actually counts as a win, so Mourinho is really losing and he also smells bad.

101' — Rafa Benitez attempts to buy a ticket for the next flight to London so he can shove Mourinho without getting punished for it, as well.

108' — Diego Costa scores again because two goals are better than one and he's not playing for Spain.

114' — With Thibaut Courtois at a local hospital and Petr Cech replacing him in goal, Mark Schwarzer fears that he might be called upon to play at some point this season and won't have the time to read all of the Game of Thrones books as he had planned.

120' — Wenger pokes himself in the eye and claims Mourinho did it to him and that he's blind now and that Mourinho should go to jail for it and none of his results against Arsenal should ever count. Assistant manager Steve Bould moves several seats away from Wenger only because "the sun was in [his] eyes."

125' — Danny Welbeck politely asks Chelsea's defenders to play more like Galatasaray's so he can continue to be the next Thierry Henry.

129' — Mourinho stares at Wenger and repeats "Arsene...Arsene...Arsene" in an effort to drive him completely insane. Wenger begins to eat his own necktie.

133' — Mesut Ozil continues to go easy on his beloved former manager by playing the exact same way he does in every other match.

137' — John Terry and Jack Wilshere start a club for widely disliked footballers. They inaugurate it by calling each other every racial slur they can think of.

141' — Referee Martin Atkinson wonders if anyone has realized that he accidentally dropped his red card in the toilet before the match and was unwilling to fish it out.

144' — Diego Costa scores once more because three goals are better than two and he's still not playing for Spain.

149' — Finally accepting that all flights to London are sold out, Rafa Benitez resigns himself to going home and poking needles into the doll he made out of Mourinho's hair, as he does every Sunday.

152' — The match is abandoned when Wenger snaps upon seeing that Cesc Fabregas — the disloyal genius he refused to take back — has as many assists as Arsenal's entire team this season. He charges at Mourinho like a giraffe that has been mistakenly included in the running of the bulls. Mourinho lets the attack unfold without fighting back, delighted that he has elicited such unseemly fury. Once Wenger has tired himself out and finally accepted that he will never beat the man he sees as the human embodiment of everything he stands against, he cries. And Mourinho cries. And they cry together, holding each other as the world around them disappears. Wenger feels reborn as a meaningful connection is forged and all of the old animosity melts away. Then Mourinho whispers, "Now more than ever you are a specialist in failure." Wenger bites him so viciously that even Luis Suarez finds it appalling. And Mourinho couldn't be happier.

Culled from Dirty tackle

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